Dad’s House

Oh great, Another Bestseller with a Deadbeat Dad

Tom Perrotta’s new book, The Abstinence Teacher, is for the most part an enjoyable read. But what’s with the main characters – a divorced man incapable/not allowed to raise his child, and a woman whose only male friends are gay? Isn’t it time to stop furthering these socially toxic stereotypes?

As a heterosexual man who is deeply involved in my kids’ lives, and who has platonic female friends, I find myself battling social stereotypes every single day – people questioning my ability as a father, assuming the mom is the more capable and responsible parent; and questioning my sexual orientation (or my intentions) when I have female friends who are married.

Come on, already. Not all single dads are deadbeats. Some of us choose to stay involved. We can actually run a household, cook healthy meals without resorting to microwave dinners and take-out pizza, load a washing machine, shuttle kids to soccer practice, volunteer in the school. We can be friends with married women, have girlfriends who aren’t married, and still do beer night with the guys.

Perrotta’s not the only culprit. Richard Ford wrote about deadbeat dad Frank Bascombe three separate times (The Sportswriter, Independence Day, Lay of the Land), and even won a Pulitzer Prize for his efforts. Those were all excellent books, by the way, and some of my favorite-ever reads; but they only give one view of post-divorce parenting. Not every single dad disappears from his kids’ lives and lets the mom have full say in their upbringing.

Then there’s the ever popular Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. I hated the ending. The girl’s dad might have been a strict disciplinarian, but at least he chose to stay involved in her life, raising her the best he could given their circumstances. Sure, he could have been more nurturing, bought her the birthday gift she really wanted, but at least he was there! He chose to take care of her. Ah, but a girl’s bitterness is best soothed by a band of women, right? Please.

How about movies like Weatherman (Nicolas Cage’s character, deadbeat dad), and War of the Worlds (Tom Cruise’s character, deadbeat dad). Why in so many books and films are the dads such losers while the moms remarry such successful men? Life isn’t always like that.

Involved dads do show up occasionally in stories. Dustin Hoffman in the film Kramer vs. Kramer is not deadbeat, in fact he desperately wants to be the primary caregiver, but early on is simply not capable (remember the french toast scene?) Will Smith in Pursuit of Happyness is a capable caregiver, but needs a chance to get his life and career on track (and he does).

This is not to diminish the blight of single moms who often struggle mightily. I know there are deadbeat dads in the world. But there are also some capable, nurturing, caring guys who can take care of kids and keep their own masculinity. And as long as bestsellers and blockbusters keep promoting outdated stereotypes, ingraining them in the public’s consciousness, involved single dads will continue to struggle for social acceptance.

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February 14th, 2008 Posted in single dads | Tags: books, deadbeat dads, films, Pulitzer Prize, Richard Ford, secret life of bees, single dad, Sue Monk Kidd, Tom Perrotta | no comments