Internet dating – sadly, I’m a bit of an expert
In eight years of divorce, I’ve browsed thousands of profiles and met hundreds of women through various dating sites like match.com, salon.com, chemistry.com, eHarmony, and craigslist, making me a bit of an internet dating expert. First dates covered a range of activities, including meeting for coffee, cocktails, hiking, cycling, dinner, museums, and even the occasional booty call. A very small number of these meetings actually led to second dates. And how many turned into real relationships? One. That’s right, ONE. Online dating does not work!
Whew, felt good to get that off my chest. For the record, I’ve had five serious long-term girlfriends since my divorce, and way too much in-between-relationship time. Besides the girlfriend I met online, I met three through friends (a few blind dates and a handful of parties), and one through everyday life.
The internet may be a useful tool for meeting random people, but as Malcolm Gladwell explains in Blink, chemistry is something felt, not thought about and articulated in checkboxes and paragraphs of online prose.
I must be a slow learner. Which is great news for you as I have plenty of good* online dating stories to tell. (*where good means: juicy, interesting, provocative, shocking, thrilling, jaw dropping, mind numbing, titillating, insane, crazy, sexy, stupid, and just plain bad.) For some reason, I’m compelled to start with this one…
Sati and I met on chemistry.com, which is to say, “world-renowned biological anthropologist” Dr. Helen Fisher’s algorithmic calculations of our personality profiles considered us to be a great match. Sati and I exchanged emails, then a phone call, then decided to meet in Palo Alto outside Mills The Florist. The summer evening was balmy, and Sati wore a white sundress that contrasted beautifully with her black hair and dark skin. (If anyone cares, I wore nice jeans, an untucked short-sleeve shirt, and black Kenneth Cole’s. Typical guy attire.)
I suggested cocktails at Zibibbo, an upscale restaurant that was nearby.
“I don’t drink alcohol,” Sati said. “Tea, perhaps?”
Oh, boy. Certainly a cocktail or glass of wine lends itself to a more relaxed first-date conversation than caffeinated (or, God forbid, herbal) tea. I’m a man who likes his martini shaken. And I don’t like drinking alone. That Sati doesn’t drink alcohol was Strike One against her.
We opted for a walk, then sat together on a park bench and watched children having fun on a play structure. Sati became dreamy eyed. “You know, David, it’s so great how chemistry.com matched us up. It’s like an arranged marriage, except we both had some input as to who we want to meet. And I must say, you’re much more handsome than any man my parents would have picked for me, had I stayed in India.”
Yikes! We’re not twenty minutes into our first date, and she’s already talking about our marriage potential? Strike Two!
Dinner was in a funky Mediterranean café, and Sati suggested we order a few plates and share, family style. Fine by me, I was in kabob heaven. “Do you want lamb, chicken, or beef?” I asked.
“I’m a vegetarian,” she said.
Ugh. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the eating choices of other people. But my kids and I like meat – lemon chicken, cajun chicken, chicken and dumplings, BBQ ribs, bacon on Saturday mornings, Santa Maria style tri-tip, thuringer sausage from Dittmer’s, In-n-Out burgers (double-double for me, flying dutchman for my son, animal style for my daughter), forty garlic-clove lamb, etc. etc. etc.!
At this point, I could draw only one conclusion. Strike Three! You’re out! This date is over.
But after dinner as I walked her towards her car, Sati grabbed my hand and snuggled her body close. “You know what I’d really like tonight?” she asked. “I’d like you to tuck me into bed.”
Ding ding ding ding!!! HOME RUN!!! If that’s not an invitation for a booty call, I don’t know what is.
Now, you may wonder why I would consider a booty call with Sati if I felt there was no relationship potential. Women will forever be asking men that question. And maybe I’ll get into it in a future blog post. For now, suffice to say I took her up on her proposition.
Her flat was small and spartan, in a hippie-ish apartment community. In her bedroom was her computer, the very device on which she received her chemistry.com communications. Our communications. She excused herself to the bathroom to change for bed, and I wondered if I should undress now or when she returned. (At that point, I recalled a scene from Jerry Maguire when Renee Zellweger comes out of the bathroom ready for sex, only to find Tom Cruise creepily posing in his underwear – and I kept my clothes on.)
Sati came out wearing long pajamas. Decidedly not sexy. But hey, maybe that’s her style, her comfort level when entertaining a man. Helping her take the pajamas off would be part of the fun. But she climbed right into bed and pulled the covers up tight. “Okay, David. Tuck me in.”
I’ll make a long story short – tuck her in is all I did. Presumably, more would happen on our wedding night. It was probably for the best. I’m a big believer that sex on a first date is not a good way to start a relationship. But a three-strike evening is not a good way to start out, either. Despite future phone call protestations by her that “we have to work through problems like any other couple,” and “communication is the key,” we never had a second date.
I wonder if Dr. Helen Fisher would consider adjusting her matchmaking computations to better account for booze, meat, and booty. Or maybe I should just let my mom set me up.
- Sexy Flirty Dirty Text Messages
- Confessions of a Serial Online Dater, part 1 (Craigslist coffee date gone bad)
- Boys are the New Girls, Women are the New Men
- How to Start Dating a Single Dad
- Online Dating Expectations
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Entries
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| February 15th, 2008
Oh, you beat me to the punch! I read your blog before running out the door and thought, “What a coincidence!” I was JUST asking for single parent advice about online dating.
Now I’m home… and this is a great post. Wow. But I’m amazed that she didn’t say “I don’t drink alcohol” and “I’m a vegetarian” on her profile? Maybe Chemistry.com doesn’t have those boxes? (I haven’t tried those sites.)
All right, I’m already a big fan of yours! I’m adding you to my blogroll ASAP.
Comment by Hanie
| March 5th, 2008
David, just found your blog. I think your posts are funny and in particular this one! “Tuck me into bed?” lol. And what vision did you have when you heard this? Three strikes in one nite over a date is bad enough but didnt you asked some of the “important” questions first before meeting up?
Comment by Victoria
| May 25th, 2008
Best. Dating Post. Ever.
It certainly ranks high up there. I never really had bad date stories from online dating but I certainly have had some hilarious moments.
You rock. You’re on my blog roll.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 25th, 2008
Thanks Victoria!
Comment by Marina
| August 18th, 2008
Well, that’s true, online dating does not work, but… people keep trying. I did it a couple of times and very soon I realize that coffee dates and the ‘job interview’ part are just plain boring and even if there is something there to go on a second date, there is very little left to go for a third one. The funny part is that many of my friends have had similar experiences and a collection of horror tales to share but some of them still have a little bit of faith in the profile browsing ritual, can’t blame them for trying.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 18th, 2008
Actually, I met my guy at a dating site. We’ve been together for three years. I’d say it’s kinda serious. :)
Comment by Lisa
| September 6th, 2008
LOL! “Presumably more would happen on our wedding night.”
This esp. made me laugh because I have a very pretty, sweet Indian friend, who was in an arranged marriage, and told me in her entire 12 yrs of marriage, they’d had sex 7 times, mainly to get pregnant. They eventually divorced, because she was too American-ized compared to her Indian husband who expected her to be submissive.
In her new relationship with a Caucasion, she’s always wanting to talk, communicate and work through their problems, stating that you have to put in the hard work for a relationship to work. (their relationship is NOT working tho) Your Sati reminds me of my dear friend, who can talk you to death. Thanks for the laugh! BTW, I’ve had a couple of LTR’s thru online dating, and a whole lot of bad dates too. I’ve thought about writing a book!
Comment by Ste
| September 15th, 2008
My initial thought when I started reading this article was maybe there’s something wrong with YOU! I mean come on the history speaks for itself, you’ve had strings of relationships and here you are still trying. Then I realised I was being very judgemental without reading the rest of the story, so urm… sorry.
Anyway I read on and well, I guess you proved me right. You’re going in there trying to find what you want far too much, take it from someone who found out first hand, it’s amazing what you find when your not looking!
You were far too quick to spot all the negative things about this girl, Strike 1, she doesn’t drink… ok fair point, but is that such a bad thing? I’m sure if you would have explained that a couple of drinks before you went for a walk would help as you were a little nevervous she would have understood, and hey, if things worked out your mrs wouldn’t be goin off out all the time ;) I’m sure it would’ve helped conversation a little like you said which leads me to strike 2..
OK she’s a vegitarian… doesn’t mean you have to be, not such a big problem, infact it shows this person can stick to something they believe in which is a good quality for a potential partner! I know I couldn’t do it… im sure they put nicotine in bacon!
Here’s the main thing, strike 3. OK I wont blame you, If I was single and offered a booty call by an attractive woman, i’d be in there like a fly into ****, im a man, it’s what I do, it’s something called human nature and basicaly you can take the attractive bit out of the previous statement and it’d still be true!
That’s not the point though, the point is THAT..WAS..NOT..A..BOOTY..CALL! That was a woman who missed the company that comes with a relationship, someone who just wanted someone there when they went to sleep, to talk to, to be told sweet dreams by or to stroke her hair… whatever. The fact that you missed this and thought it was a booty call makes you what us mancunians call… a muppet!
The point im tryin to make is if you hadn’t judged and just gone along with an open mind not lookin for anythin in particular… chances are you’d have banged her insides out sooner or later an maybe even met someone worth settling down with.
My advice is to go on these dates not expecting anything, it’s just like putting your foot in the water to test how cold it is, treat each person you meet with respect no matter how different they are as you might learn something from them, probably about yourself, and when you’ve learned enough you might meet the right one for you.
Good luck out there :)
Comment by dadshouse
| September 15th, 2008
Ste - thanks for reading. Of course I left out tons of details, and I cut straight to the chase for the sake of short attention span blog readers.
Part of what I left out: I did go along with things with an open mind. I did try to have a second date with this woman. There were phone calls and emails I’d rather not share, for brevity and her privacy. But come on - her seeing chemistry.com as an arranged marriage, only better because it’s got computer algorithms behind it? That’s messed up.
Also, how does me having preferences make me judgemental? If you wear blue tomorrow, does that mean you are judging green, red, yellow, and other colors? I’d rather date a woman who eats meat and enjoys an occasional drink than someone who is vegetarian and doens’t drink. No judgement, just preference.
I think it’s pretty silly to be called a muppet based on a few hundred word post. Especially when I’m trying to relate the story in a humorous fashion. (Honey, my dear vegan wife, can you pass the Worcestor sauce for my steak?) But, such is life. We all have our own perspectives.
Hang on, Kermit is calling me… gotta run.
Comment by Robyn Urback
| September 22nd, 2008
Great blog!
I’m a journalism student at Ryerson University in Toronto and I’m currently working on an article for a service publication about online dating via Craigslist. I came across your blog while doing some research and think it’s fantastic! I would love your voice in the story. If you would be available for a phone interview in the next day or so send me an email.
Thanks!