Is the Dating Pool Really That Small?
I was drinking sangria at the bar of Cascal, a local tapas restaurant, when an attractive woman and her date sat down beside me. It took a moment to catch her eye, at which point I couldn’t help but flash a wry smile. No, I wasn’t hitting on her, trying to flirt when her date wasn’t looking.
I’d already bought her drinks the night before.
Nothing like seeing a blind date again. Which makes me wonder – is the dating pool really that small?
Elisabeth and I met on craigslist, that place you go for concert tickets without having to pay an eBay or StubHub surcharge. Unlike other dating sites where you post a profile containing your photo and an essay about you and your ideal match, along with checkboxed lists of traits you possess and are seeking, craigslist posts are more often short, free-form requests for companionship. Who wants to join me at the Giants game this weekend? Who wants to meet for coffee tomorrow afternoon? Who wants to be my friend with benefits? Or in the case of my post the previous night, Who wants to meet for a drink, flirt and see what happens?
A handful of women responded, but Elisabeth sounded by far the most interesting to me. College educated, slender yoga figure, mid-thirties, strawberry blonde, career in marketing, family in the area. She lived in Los Gatos, just twenty minutes away. I emailed her about me: educated, fit from cycling, early forties, dark blonde, successful engineer turned writer, single dad with two kids. We swapped photos and agreed to meet at Steamers, a restaurant bar in her town.
The date was a lot of fun. We quickly found out we had opposite tastes in wine – I like big bold reds, she loves Chardonnay. Drinks in hand, we got to know each other. She was pretty, articulate, well traveled; we shared similar interests in movies and books, sushi and pasta, vacation dreams of Greece; she laughed at my jokes, enjoyed my wit; she twirled her hair and touched my arm and showed plenty of other body language signs of attraction. There was sexual energy and genuine chemistry between us. I was entertaining thoughts of third date sex and a healthy future of mornings waking up together.
“David, I like you a lot,” she said. “But I can’t get over the kid thing.”
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“I hate ruling you out so completely, but I don’t want to date a single dad.”
Say what? She knew I had kids, before we met.
“You’re right, I knew,” she said. “And you sound like a great dad. I hear your enthusiasm when you talk about your children. You really light up. But I don’t want an instant family. I want to start my own from scratch.”
“Why did you meet me, then?” I asked.
“A drink sounded fun. And honestly, I wasn’t sure how I felt about dating a man with kids. Now I know.”
Huh. Well, glad to help her figure that out about herself. I guess.
When I suggested we hang out as friends, she said she worked too many hours, and needed to focus her remaining time on the search for a suitable mate.
In Cascal, she looked warily at me, perhaps fearful I might spill the beans to her date. He was the opposite of me in many respects – longer hair, hipper clothes, younger, presumably childless. I watched as he fumbled through the wine list, overwhelmed by its scope.
“Boy, there’s a lot to choose from,” he said. “Do you like reds or whites?”
“I’m partial to whites,” she said.
I chuckled. I’d been there just last night. I was tempted to lean over and tell him to get her a Chardonnay. Unless he had kids, of course, in which case he might as well end the date now.
I called to the bartender and asked for my check.
- Internet dating – sadly, I’m a bit of an expert
- Is Dating Easier for Single Dads than Single Moms?
- Ten Great Reasons to Date a Single Dad
- Woman of My Dreams, Manifested
- Successful Online Dating for Women
- Coffee House Sexy Surprise
- Date Stacking
- Blind Date – Ugh
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Comment by Dawn
| February 28th, 2008
I think if more men and women would become more open to the option of dating a single parent..there would be more happy people in this world. I had a guy I went out with..tell me it was wonderful, how this could get real serious eventually..we went out a few times, then he met my daughter and it struck him, he had forgotten what it was like to have a toddler around. (He has teenagers). He broke up with me the next night. Little does he know..that him being in his 40s..it will be hard to find a single woman without kids, unless he goes real young. Good luck on your search!
Comment by mssinglemama
| March 1st, 2008
Yikes. Crazy…I guess single women are just as closed off about the idea as single men – the idea of dating a single parent. Maybe even more so. Because women, I imagine, would have a harder time bonding with children who aren’t their own than a man would. Just a guess. Not basing that on anything other than my experience.
That’s the hardest thing about being a dating single parent – the people we are dating “change their minds” once the reality sets in – all the while making us believe there’s a chance at acceptance.
It’s why we have to keep our guard up…at least she told you right off the bat insted of dragging it out – like Dawn’s situation.
Comment by Katrina
| March 7th, 2008
Single mom here with the same story…just a different place in time. Dated a wonderful man for six weeks, to only call me at work one day and say, “sorry, can’t do the ready made family thing.” It didn’t matter that he thought I was “wonderful, sexy, charming, and intelligent.” He wanted a “fresh woman.” Gosh…I didn’t realize us single parents had an expiration date!
Love your blog!
Comment by Dating Goddess
| March 19th, 2008
I’ve been on the other side. Being a 52-year-old childless woman, I was pretty sure I wasn’t interested in a man with at-home kids until I had a first date with a man who brought along his 3-year-old! She was tired and cranky and wouldn’t let Daddy get a sentence out without interrupting. That cemented my feelings that I wasn’t prepared to date a man with little kids! I just didn’t have the tools to cope.
Regarding your comment about the dating pool being small, I unfortunately found out how small when I was chatting with a newly wed (18 months ago) friend and inadvertently discovered I’d gone on a date with her new husband — 3 months ago! Yuck! She was aghast — as I was — that he had listed himself on a dating site and was wooing women. She was grateful it was me as she now had the evidence — pictures, cell phone number, emails — to confront him.
Dating Goddess
Adventures in Delicious Dating After 40
http://www.DatingGoddess.com
Comment by chatanika
| April 16th, 2008
Confession- I’m a single mom that doesn’t date single dads. Here’s the deal. I’ve seen the failed relationships when two independently evolved parenting styles clash. I don’t want to deal with the unintentional but natural favoritism for one set of children over another. I’ve seen my children heartbroken when their father broke up with his single mom live-in girlfriend and her children. Boom, sisters? No more.
Hypocritical of me? Sure. I expect men to date me, a single mom. And I’m not saying that IF a great single dad with a sympatico parenting style and funny kids came along, I wouldn’t give it careful consideration. So far, though, better safe than sorry.
Comment by dadshouse
| April 16th, 2008
Hi Chatanika – thanks for sharing your thoughts. The “boom, sisters? no more” comment really stood out. That would be very hard on kids to think they had step-siblings only to lose them.
I also like your insights about separately-evolved parenting styles. Brady Bunch families seem harder to get right. I know there are some blended-family readers out there. Love to hear comments from them.
Do you have a blog? I’d enjoy reading you more. I hope you’ll keep commenting here.
Comment by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon
| April 16th, 2008
I’m intrigued by your comment, Chatanika. But I come at this from a radically different perspective.
I am a single dad who lives with a single mom, as we attempt to build a blended family and all that that entails.
But after my divorce I dated quite a bit, and spent two years with a non-parent. It ultimately broke down because of my son. She had no issue with my son; she just simply didn’t “get it.” Hard as she tried to conceal it, she just felt uncomfortable in a parenting role, and with me having a child that wasn’t hers.
She and I remain friends, but it led me to a decision at the time that I would feel more comfortable dating moms. First of all, they understood the time demands, the crazy schedules, and, I think, had become more independent and self-assured about themselves. Mostly, they understood.
That’s not to say that I don’t see your point of view. Most of my friends refuse to date single parents. So it is a matter of what fits for you.
I also understand the sensitivity a parent would feel about introducing their child to a partner who doesn’t hang around for long. I’ve erred there myself several times, and regret it to this day. I have one divorced friend who has dated for years — at one point for two years with one man — and she has yet to introduce her son to a partner.
I consider that extreme, primarily since she dated one person for so long. But it is her rule. To each their own.
For me, I think there are unavoidable emotional risks when you’re a single parent who dates, both for yourself and your child. You work to limit them for the kids, but they’re there. I believe my son is better off now because we both took those risks, and found a woman — and another child — who fits us.
Could we have gotten here with a non-parent as well? Possibly. But why limit the field?
Comment by chatanika
| April 17th, 2008
I do want to say that the best Brady Bunch story I have are my grandparents. Grandpa had three children (full custody in the 1950’s which is telling) and Grandma had three as well. They met working second jobs at a drive-in theatre, fell in love, married and then had my aunt together. They are the most amazing, in love, phenomenal people I know. Maybe I’m just afraid I’ll never rock it like that!
Comment by Laura
| July 24th, 2008
I am entering the dating pool once again after ending a two-year relationship. I have no kids, just a dog. Now, I only want to start dating men who have been married once before because they will not have a false expectation of marriage. If I meet a wonderful man and he has children that is fine by me. My only concern is that he has a civil relationship with his ex-wife. I know it is tough to date single dads. I have done it and it has ended for other reasons. The kids need to come first and when you start dating, that can be a stress. I also realize that their mom is their mom and if I ever became a step-mom, I would have to look at it more as being an auntie more than anything. I think many women who are willing to date men with children, and have none of their own, need to take into consideration the children’s feelings as well the ex-wife’s feelings as being a new woman in the children’s life. Yes, I know I am rare, but we are out there. Now, where do all the single dads hang out?