Hooking Up – I Just Want To Be Your Lover
Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both
Hooking up involves two people getting together for sex without commitment or attachment. Ms. Stepp suggests hook-ups have replaced dating for the young-20s generation. The reasons vary: students preparing for lucrative careers refuse to be distracted by relationships; children of divorced parents don’t trust relationships; the new generation doesn’t value love; dependence on a partner is seen as a weakness; working on a relationship is less important than working on yourself.
Great insights, but I have some news – hookups aren’t confined to bright young women on college campuses. They’re everywhere. As a 40-something single dad, I’ve hooked up with women of all ages and various life stages. (Craigslist is a great resource for casual dating.)
There’s the mid-30s Burlingame woman, an ivy-educated finance professional currently pursuing an MBA. She told me over dinner on our initial meeting that between work and school she didn’t have time for a dating relationship. She then invited me back to her apartment for a sleepover and first-date sex. (Given the attraction and chemistry, I accepted.) In the morning she ushered me out, kissing me goodbye and thanking me for a fun time. In subsequent days and weeks, I tried asking her out again, but she didn’t return my calls.
There’s the early-40s single mom in San Mateo. We flirted over drinks at a restaurant bar, then she invited me to her place to fool around. We made out on the couch, then she kicked me out promptly at 11pm so she could go get her son from a friend’s house. I’m a single parent, so I could relate. When I asked to see her again, she laughed and said her dating days were long past, but promised she’d call me when the mood struck for another hookup. I need more than that from a relationship, and told her don’t bother.
There’s the late-20s San Jose nurse who works at a hospital near my house. She’s searching in earnest for a potential husband close to her age. While she enjoys coffee and dinner dates with her suitors, she doesn’t hook up. Instead, she asked me – a charming, fun, respectful, experienced, older man – to be her monogamous lover while she looks for a mate. (The single dad as booty call partner is something I’ll definitely blog about in future posts.)
I have to admit, I’m mulling this last option. As a single parent protecting the family unit I share with my children, I’m selective about who I bring around. Only two girlfriends have met my kids, and then only after we’d been dating a few months and there was long-term relationship potential.
While I’m not sold on the hookup culture – it’s unhealthy, and ultimately unfulfilling, and I know from experience that intimacy is heightened when two people truly care for each other, when the emotional and spiritual connection is deep – I also know that No Strings Attached (NSA) hookups serve a purpose (as long as they aren’t arrangements. In between serious relationships, they’re a way to touch another person, share some intimacy, stay sane.
Hookups are everywhere, even in popular music. When I hear Radiohead’s Thom Yorke croon on the song House of Cards 
– I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover – I give a knowing nod and sing quietly along with the tune.
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- Putting the EX in SEX
- Holiday Hookup
- Sex Toys Suck!
- Scarlett Johansson Hot in a Sexy Threesome
- Online Dating – Sadly I’m a Bit of an Expert
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Comment by April
| March 2nd, 2008
I’m enjoying your posts about dating as a single parent. I’m glad I’m not the only one having these experiences. Makes you wanna just throw in the towel sometimes.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 15th, 2008
Cheryl at Chicago Moms Blog has a great post covering similar material, with nods to Sex and the City, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, and views from women dating in Chicago. Her post is here: http://svmomblog.typepad.com/chicago_moms/2008/04/does-sex-the-ci.html
Comment by Cheryl
| May 16th, 2008
What a relief, to hear other people are bothered by this trend. I remember when people tried to minimize one-night stands, and felt ashamed by them. Seems a way of life now.
And I know… I’m probably dismissed as a Victorian prude.
My observation is this — all the great romances / relationships depicted in film, are usually monogamous, and require some degree of suffering and sacrifice. Deeper feelings come from commitment. Just my take.
Even in the current mega-hit “Iron Man,” Robert Downey Jr.’s character evolves from being a womanizer to a more sensitive, deeper guy.
I bet it’s challenging to raise daughters today. You have teenage daughters, right?
Thanks for writing and linking. Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
Take care, Cheryl
Comment by Single_M0M
| July 2nd, 2008
I believe that having a strong sense of self allows for great sex and great relationships to exist but that don’t necessarily involve the same people.
There are those who have casual sex for the wrong reasons and get hurt or allow their emotions to get involved which tends to skew their view of relationships.
Then there are others who are satisfied being intimate with a person on a physical level without having a conventional relationship to accompany it.
I believe that as long as the people involved are honest with themselves and their partners about their intentions, the relationship – or the sex – can be a pleasurable experience for both.
Comment by Venus
| December 2nd, 2008
Hey Dad! Great Stuff!
As a twenty-something single female, I have to admit that I am part of the no-strings-attached system of hooking up. But, let me plead my case before the single or divorced MILFs try to beat me down…
I am just going to come out with it…sex is pleasurable and it is going to happen. I am in my mid twenties and I am not going to deny I crave the physical contact and intimacy that sex brings.
That being said, I also know that (opposite to most my age) I don’t have a clue what I really want in love or a man at this age. I personally don’t think I am even going to look at a serious relationship until I am 30 or so.
My problem is not monogamy, it is that I know that people my age (twenties) are trying to learn about themselves and understand their place in life. It seems a real bad time to commit to another person when you know in advance that both of you are going to go through changes until you figure some stuff out.
That is why the hook up ultimately works for myself and many like me. Personally, I can not look at a man and honestly say I love you, simply because I am not sure what that really entails right now to myself or a relationship. So why live a lie?
Venus´s last blog post..How to Get Women – Tips to Attract Girls!
Comment by Marcia
| January 2nd, 2009
I JUST WANT TO HAVE GOOD SEX.
Comment by Alicia
| May 30th, 2009
Hmmmmm…. I think your 3rd option, the monogamous, uncommitted long-term hookup relationship, while I can certainly appreciate its appeal, in reality I’ve found from personal experience it is just plain IMPOSSIBLE.
The problem I found is that sex, by its very nature, is very, what the French call a certain… I dunno what – Intimate! And where intimacy is involved, human emotions are sure to follow. I haven’t found a foolproof way yet to eliminate the injection at some point of those squishy, unruly, goshdarn EMOTIONS! They really do ruin everything! Sooner or later, the longer the hookup goes on, one or the other partner is gonna blurt out the “L” word, or worse, want more of a commitment – outside the bedroom. Or even worse than that: finally become satiated with all the free, EASY, MEANINGLESS sex, and there goes your trusted reliable monogamous hookup….
To want a deeper more meaningful relationship than just sex is, I believe, what sets us as humans apart from the animal kingdom. And that very desire is what ultimately leads to the death of the hookup relationships.
At which point you might consider pondering the age-old adage: is it better to have hooked-up and lost than to never have hooked-up at all?
Alicia´s last blog post..BeginningEnd
Comment by yogi
| August 3rd, 2009
this is just my thought.nsa is the way things are, we now live in the me gen.with divorces as high as thay are no one wants to get into it.we work to hard to many hours to realy build a life for two.cl we all have heard of it,but it should be called pay and play.i have went the married way and it did not work,for awhile may be but for the long run it just dont work.male female it dont matter.you get the itch you are going to scratch.stay single and just be honest.life is to short to stress out when the person who says baby i love you is bedding down with your best friend.be true to your self.hagd
Comment by Christina
| June 29th, 2010
great post hooking up is not bad I have said earlier everyone want have good sex life and no one want a sex drought, but hook up,s should not be emotional, you must know what you need and what are you doing
Comment by robert espinosa
| July 4th, 2010
ill tell you a great sex partner is awsom just cant find one i enjoy sex and conversation