Hooking Up - I Just Want To Be Your Lover
Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Laura Sessions Stepp gives a detailed look at the hookup culture that is permeating social scenes in American colleges and even some high schools.
Hooking up involves two people getting together for sex without commitment or attachment. Ms. Stepp suggests hook-ups have replaced dating for the young-20s generation. The reasons vary: students preparing for lucrative careers refuse to be distracted by relationships; children of divorced parents don’t trust relationships; the new generation doesn’t value love; dependence on a partner is seen as a weakness; working on a relationship is less important than working on yourself.
Great insights, but I have some news – hookups aren’t confined to bright young women on college campuses. They’re everywhere. As a 40-something single dad, I’ve hooked up with women of all ages and various life stages. (Craigslist is a great resource for casual dating.)
There’s the mid-30s Burlingame woman, an ivy-educated finance professional currently pursuing an MBA. She told me over dinner on our initial meeting that between work and school she didn’t have time for a dating relationship. She then invited me back to her apartment for a sleepover and first-date sex. (Given the attraction and chemistry, I accepted.) In the morning she ushered me out, kissing me goodbye and thanking me for a fun time. In subsequent days and weeks, I tried asking her out again, but she didn’t return my calls.
There’s the early-40s single mom in San Mateo. We flirted over drinks at a restaurant bar, then she invited me to her place to fool around. We made out on the couch, then she kicked me out promptly at 11pm so she could go get her son from a friend’s house. I’m a single parent, so I could relate. When I asked to see her again, she laughed and said her dating days were long past, but promised she’d call me when the mood struck for another hookup. I need more than that from a relationship, and told her don’t bother.
There’s the late-20s San Jose nurse who works at a hospital near my house. She’s searching in earnest for a potential husband close to her age. While she enjoys coffee and dinner dates with her suitors, she doesn’t hook up. Instead, she asked me – a charming, fun, respectful, experienced, older man - to be her monogamous lover while she looks for a mate. (The single dad as booty call partner is something I’ll definitely blog about in future posts.)
I have to admit, I’m mulling this last option. As a single parent protecting the family unit I share with my children, I’m selective about who I bring around. Only two girlfriends have met my kids, and then only after we’d been dating a few months and there was long-term relationship potential.
While I’m not sold on the hookup culture – it’s unhealthy, and ultimately unfulfilling, and I know from experience that intimacy is heightened when two people truly care for each other, when the emotional and spiritual connection is deep – I also know that No Strings Attached (NSA) hookups serve a purpose. In between serious relationships, they’re a way to touch another person, share some intimacy, stay sane.
Hookups are everywhere, even in popular music. When I hear Radiohead’s Thom Yorke croon on the song House of Cards 
- I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover – I give a knowing nod and sing quietly along with the tune.
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- You-Know-What-us Interruptus
- Who Needs Protection? It’s Only a One Night Stand
- There’s an Order to a Single Parent’s Relationship Universe
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I’m enjoying your posts about dating as a single parent. I’m glad I’m not the only one having these experiences. Makes you wanna just throw in the towel sometimes.
Cheryl at Chicago Moms Blog has a great post covering similar material, with nods to Sex and the City, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, and views from women dating in Chicago. Her post is here: http://svmomblog.typepad.com/chicago_moms/2008/04/does-sex-the-ci.html
What a relief, to hear other people are bothered by this trend. I remember when people tried to minimize one-night stands, and felt ashamed by them. Seems a way of life now.
And I know… I’m probably dismissed as a Victorian prude.
My observation is this — all the great romances / relationships depicted in film, are usually monogamous, and require some degree of suffering and sacrifice. Deeper feelings come from commitment. Just my take.
Even in the current mega-hit “Iron Man,” Robert Downey Jr.’s character evolves from being a womanizer to a more sensitive, deeper guy.
I bet it’s challenging to raise daughters today. You have teenage daughters, right?
Thanks for writing and linking. Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
Take care, Cheryl
I believe that having a strong sense of self allows for great sex and great relationships to exist but that don’t necessarily involve the same people.
There are those who have casual sex for the wrong reasons and get hurt or allow their emotions to get involved which tends to skew their view of relationships.
Then there are others who are satisfied being intimate with a person on a physical level without having a conventional relationship to accompany it.
I believe that as long as the people involved are honest with themselves and their partners about their intentions, the relationship - or the sex - can be a pleasurable experience for both.