Kid-Friendly Companionship With Benefits
Warm weather has hit the Bay Area, and you’d think I’d have spring fever right now. Especially when a sexy ex-girlfriend lands back in my lap, eager to resume last summer’s torrid affair. What guy wouldn’t want to put and end to the madness of internet dating, get out of a too-small dating pool, steer clear of the hookup culture, walk away from a Silicon Valley singles scene that is woefully devoid of women.
But something inside me has changed. I need more than built-in sex and companionship from a partner. I want someone I can bring around my kids. (The ex in question just wants a lover right now. Eventually she wants kids of her own, after her career is established, but by then my children will be grown and in college. I don’t plan on fathering more kids when I’m in my 50s.)
In eight years of divorce, only two of my girlfriends have met my kids, mainly because I’ve been protective of our family unit, selective about who comes around. I’m not going to settle for someone who doesn’t fit in. (Modern Single Momma nailed it when she blogged about a single parent’s need for protective armor. And Single Mom Seeking talks about the downside of settling on a mate.)
We might have a non-traditional family structure, (making us socially less attractive to other families, especially ones with moms who love to chat with other women – and believe me, there are lots of families like this; one blogger suggests women prefer talking to women because they exude more empathy than men); but at home my kids and I are happy as clams.
When the two women entered our family life as my girlfriend, my kids embraced them wholeheartedly. The women joined us for dinners, hikes, ski trips, Disneyland vacations, and just plain hanging out on the couch. While they didn’t move in, they did occasionally sleep over. They were included in everyday family life. (Reading this paragraph out of context sounds like I’m a polygamist. Don’t worry, I dated these women separately, two years apart.)
I’m not going to bring a lover around my kids if there’s no potential for that woman to remain part of our lives. What would I tell the kids? Here’s the woman I sleep with, my friend with benefits, my booty call partner; but don’t worry about how she fits in, she won’t be around five years from now.
Maybe it’s the nostalgic romantic in me, but this spring weather has me wanting to do things as a family – picnics, hikes, bike rides, outdoor movie nights – but with a beautiful, intelligent, confident, compassionate, sexy woman joining us. This after eight years of going it solo, being the lone adult for the half time my kids are with me.
Is it me wanting to merge my lives as a single man and a single dad? Or me wanting to model a loving romantic relationship for my children before they head to college and enter adult life on their own? Or is it me just wanting someone else to make the egg salad for a change?
Whatever it is, spring has sprung, and this single dad is seeking kid-friendly companionship. With benefits.
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Comment by apathwaythroughthestorm
| March 11th, 2008
It’s really hard to find that someone you can trust with your kids. I don’t want my kids to see a revolving door of dates coming into out home. Two and a half years of dating and so far no one has passed the test. Sad thing is, the last person I dated seriously and was ready to introduce to the kids, dumped me a week before Christmas because I was a mom. Said he needed someone “fresh” he could make a family with. Love your blog bye the way!
Comment by singlemomseeking
| March 12th, 2008
“Kid-friendly companionship. With benefits.”
Now YOU have nailed it! Bravo. Well said. I hear you.
Comment by DadofTwins
| March 17th, 2008
I think you called it with the statement about merging lives as a single man and single dad. I too have my kids half of the time (slightly more) and I want nothing more than to have my girlfriend be part of our family so I don’t always feel split in half. The bigger half will always go to the kids and it’s tiring trying to live 2 lives.
Comment by Ms. Single Mama
| April 12th, 2008
It’s funny because this is the fine line we walk…
It’s what I’ve called the single mom dating conundrum, might have to change that to the singe parent dating conundrum. So hard. Good luck with that spring fever…and btw – you’re kids are absolutely stunning!
Comment by dadshouse
| April 13th, 2008
I confess these are my “stock photo” kids. I guess that’s my blogger’s conundrum – how to get more personal while respecting the privacy of my children. I did put their real pic in my about The Author page, but that pic is a few years old.
Comment by Rebs
| April 14th, 2008
Wow. Well said. I’m about ready to crawl back into bed and stay there.
Comment by DD
| September 14th, 2009
I think all of you should have thought of this before you divorced your child’s (ren’s) biological parent. I know many children of divorce (who are now adults) who put on a happy face around their parent and his/her date only to please…mostly they were ambivalent. Face it you blew it as spouses and parents. (This excludes those of you who were dumped or abused)
Comment by dadshouse
| September 14th, 2009
DD – so you’re saying that every divorced person has failed as a spouse and parent? That’s ridiculous. I know married people who are doing a worse job of raising kids than I am. And they treat each other worse than some divorced couples I know.
I could make the case that you failed as a person, in that you are extremely judgmental.
Comment by T
| September 15th, 2009
WOW, David… I don’t even know what to say about this comment. Ok, maybe this:
Unless you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes, you are unable to make a judgment.
Have you seen my post today?
T´s last blog ..Don’t know nothin’ bout me