Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
One of the huge joys of parenting is simply spending time with your loving family. Coming home to a house full of kids excited to see you can take the edge off any bad day. Conversely, one of the worst feelings for a single parent with shared custody happens on nights when the kids are with the ex, and you come home to an empty house. How does a single parent live a full life when half the time they’re alone?
When my wife and I separated, I moved into my own place. For the first three months, I was so busy furnishing the apartment with every big (and little) thing we needed – kitchen table, couch, TV, beds, sheets, pillows, sponges, broom – I barely noticed I was alone on nights the kids were with their mom. But three months into it, with everything bought and errands no longer serving as a distraction, it hit me hard.
My marriage had crumbled. My spouse, lover, and friend had become an enemy. The family I helped create no longer existed whole. Here I was, living in a tiny apartment I didn’t much like, painfully unhappy and entirely alone.
Divorce was one of the hardest things I ever went through. It took a few years to work through the shock, depression, remorse, and other roller-coaster feelings I was forced to endure. (I could write a book about that process.)
But come out of it I did. While I still suffer the occasional night of feeling depressed and sorry for myself, wondering how I lost the family I’d cherished, and sad about the alternating holidays and vacations I can’t share with my kids, for the most part I’m okay when they’re with their mom and I’m on my own.
Here are some ways I cope:
• Cooking – I cook dinner whether my kids are with me or not. When they’re here, I feel great knowing I’m preparing them a healthy and tasty meal. When it’s just me, it feels good to take care of myself. Either way, cooking is an act of giving love. Plus, immersing myself in the process of cooking keeps my mind occupied on what I’m creating, rather than on what I lack. When dinner’s ready, the meal is the reward.
• Eating out – some nights my fridge is empty, or maybe I want to feel cared for by someone else, so I head to a favorite restaurant and (this is key): eat at the bar. Most bars are social environments. Chatting up the patron next to you is way more fun that sitting at a table alone.
• Furnish and decorate – after moving out of my divorced-man apartment to a house, I didn’t furnish the living room because I planned to meet a woman, remarry, and let her decorate. Bad idea. For months whenever I walked through this empty room, I was reminded of what I lacked, that I was without a new wife. Finally I bought furniture for this room (with design help from a female decorator). Now when I’m there, I’m reminded of all I have – this is my home – and I feel great.
• Friends – invite friends over for dinner or to watch a ballgame on TV, or suggest meeting at a restaurant or heading to a movie or concert. Accept every invitation you receive. The company is great, and you might just find yourself in a position to make even more friends. Try to keep the conversation positive – even the best of friends will eventually tire of hearing your divorce woes. They have problems, too. You don’t have to avoid negative talk completely, just try to be thankful and grateful for the good in your life. You attract what you put out to the world.
• Get chores and extra work done – if you get stuff out of the way when the kids are with the other parent, you’ll have more quality time when the kids are with you.
• Reading – I used to worry that if I wasn’t out in the bars trying to meet someone to date, I would be unhappy and alone for the rest of my days. But I tired of this drinking lifestyle, and realized I could choose to be happy simply by doing things I liked. I love reading, and will happily sit with a book, either at home or in a coffee house, and have an enjoyable evening.
• Watch a great movie or music DVD – it doesn’t have to be date night to enjoy a good film. Watch those war movies or westerns or chick-flick romances that a date won’t want to see.
• Italian Serie A Soccer – my daughter has played soccer all her life, and so I’ve really gotten into the game. This past year I got Tivo and Fox Soccer Channel, and now I can watch a different Serie A match every night of the week. (I’m partial to the giallo rossi, biancho neri, and rosso neri – AS Roma, Juventus, and AC Milan. Andiamo!)
There are plenty of other great ideas, like taking a class (a new language, cooking, wine tasting – anything with a social element), joining a club or sports team (volleyball is huge around here, and it’s co-ed), getting a cat or a dog. Do things you enjoy. Focus on the good in your life. Live in the present moment.
Of course, nothing can replace time lost with your kids. But whether they’re physically with you or not, you can love them just the same. And what feels better than that?
- Single Mom, Empty Nest
- Divorce Didn’t Make Me a Homebody – So What Did?
- Secrets to Single Parent Success
- Hey Ann Coulter – It’s Evolution, Baby!
- Jon and Kate Divorce – What the Future May Hold
- Is Dating Easier for Single Dads than Single Moms?
- Dating Tips for 40-Something Men
- Hot, Sexy, Confident
- Dating After Divorce
- Single Dad Fireworks on Mother’s Day
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Comment by Angie
| March 21st, 2008
Check out a climbing gym in your area, as another possible bullet to your great list. It’s a recent passion for my family…the community is very sweet.
Comment by Hanie
| March 23rd, 2008
David, when I read this post, it reminded me of the stuff I did and felt as well. It sure does take a while to get off from the roller coaster motion. I did most of the stuff you wrote. I am quite happy with the routine I have now, I cook, clean, go for a movie alone or with my daughter and just generally is contented. Yes, sometimes I do feel empty and lonely but you get those even when you are with someone “who isnt there”.
Comment by ana.biosis
| March 24th, 2008
Sometimes…I dream about nights alone….
I never get them, I thikn they would be just dreamy… take a long hot bath…sit down on the floor paint my nails…and not have to talk to anyone….
but I did that once…and I felt completely lost.
Comment by a broad
| March 25th, 2008
Although my kids and significant other and I all live under one roof, there are times when I wish I could just have an evening to myself. However, when faced with going to the UK on my own to visit a friend (which sounded like a brilliant, time-off idea) I immediately got cold feet thinking that I don’t think I could handle being without the kids. Hubby travels alot so I can deal with that but not without the kids. I felt for you when I read your post because that must be a pit of your stomach type feeling that only parents would know. But if you do all those other things when the kids are with their mom, at least you get to spend some great quality time with them!! I am sure they enjoy their time with you because it is not bogged down by chores!
Comment by dadshouse
| March 25th, 2008
Great comments – thanks. When I was married, one of our trips to Europe was for 11 days without the kids. After 7 days, I was dieing to come home – I really missed them!
After my divorce, it was REALLY hard to take the nights without the kids. Now, I’m more used to it, and I’m grateful for the time I get to myself, but I do miss them.
Some of my married friends envy my situation, because they see I’m involved in my kids’ lives, but also get time alone to do my own thing. And I envy those friends for getting to be with their kids full time. The grass is always greener…
Comment by Mac
| April 18th, 2008
when my son is w/ his mom, I’m out- dinners, movies, hanging-out w/ other singles- when I get home, I read or talk to people on the phone- after that, I’m usually sleepy and fall off to sleep.
Comment by amygirl29
| May 7th, 2008
I just found your blog–lots of great ideas. I’m 3 weeks out on my own and am in that “what is my identity without the kids” place. I never thought of eating at the bar alone at a restaurant. I think that’s one I’ll try. I’m not interested in dating yet, but that doesn’t mean I want to sit at home by myself either. Good site!
Comment by dadshouse
| May 8th, 2008
Hey, thanks. Glad you like the site. Divorce is tough, I know what you’re going through. As such, I hope to amuse, inform, entertain, and provide the occasional voyeuristic thrill. Life after divorce is interesting, to say the least, but it can be happy, healthy, and fulfilling.
Comment by amygirl29
| May 9th, 2008
Yeah, the whole thing is just plain wierd. We’re avoiding doing the paperwork because it’s just so final, but it’s inevitable. So I appreciate your site. You seem to have your head on straight about the whole thing and I like your writing.
Comment by SDMktg
| September 24th, 2008
How long did it take before you got used to the nights alone? My split was 3 1/2 years ago and though I spend most of my nights without them with my girlfriend the handful of nights she’s busy and I’m alone still give me that uneasy feeling. When the night actually comes along it’s never that bad and time passes quickly but I always dread it and end up trying to find friends or family to fill the void so I’m not alone in my empty apartment. I guess learning to be truly alone with yourself is a pretty key piece of the journey.
SDMktg’s last blog post..NFL Week 3 Tailgating Menu – Tri Tip Sandwiches with Grilled Onions and Peppers
Comment by dadshouse
| September 24th, 2008
SDMktg – it took years to get used to it. It took a lot of spiritual inward looking to pull off (by spiritual, I don’t mean religious). i.e. that even if you’re by yourself, you’re not “alone”. We’re all in this universe together, each of us interconnected. Plus – nothing in life has any intrinsic meaning. The meaning exists in our minds, and is different for every person based on their life experiences. Which means: if you’re alone, it doesn’t mean anything except that you’re alone.
All that said, I miss sleeping with a woman! I love when I have a girlfriend to curl up next to and spoon. The in-between relationship times are tough. But manageable.
Comment by sway
| November 21st, 2008
So, Im looking online to get some advice.. technology age, advice and shared experiences are so readily available. I am, or have been a single mom. My son is now moved out, and I am totally lost. I have just completed a 3 year diploma and can’t find work in a primarily french / bilingual city and seriously considering moving. I feel like such an experienced fish out of water its ridiculous. I have no friends in the same boat as me, I am paddling alone. Though I have friends for support and family, they just dont understand and I am starting to feel like the “needy” one. I have always been strong and independent. Health issues have struck me down ( fibromyalgia, anxiety, IBS) and so I am limited in my abilities. I just got rid of my dog who I had for 5 years and now, am truly on my own. I have travelled the world and know that wherever you go, you go with you. Meaning I feel like I have been there done that, and that and that and that.. so whats left for me? this is the question. Also I dont have a job right now, so occupying yourself with stuff that usually costs money is not an option… alone, broke, lost and running out of hope… yikes…