When a Married Man is a Wingman
As a divorced dad in my forties, I don’t have a lot of single guy friends. So when a married buddy offers to be my wingman for an evening out, I gladly accept. Having a friend along for drinks is fun on its own, but when you’re trying to meet women it can be a necessity. Drinking alone at a bar can make even the nicest of guys look like a creep. With a friend you’re laughing, smiling, and more at ease, all of which makes you look more attractive.
(Dining alone at a restaurant bar is a different story, and is a great way to meet people, be they business travelers or locals who are single.)
The problem is, some married men use their wingman role as a ruse to meet women. Sure, any married person deserves some playful sexual sparring with members of the opposite sex other than their spouse. It’s healthy to flirt. But how much is too much? A married man as wingman can be bad for everyone involved.
• I’ve had married buddies compete with me for a woman’s attention. It’s hard enough to meet people to date, even tougher when your friend butts his head in with nothing at stake.
• I’ve had married buddies charm the girlfriend of a woman I’m talking to, so much so that the girlfriend wants to date him. Didn’t she ask if he was married? Didn’t he tell her? (Some married men don’t wear rings, at least not in bars.)
• I’ve had married buddies’ wives ask me why I kept their husband out so late – on nights he didn’t even go out with me!
Please know that not all married guys are like this. (From my experience I’d say most married guys are not like this.) But some are. They betray their spouses and friends, and smile and lie to the women they meet.
Why do they do it? Some men are unhappy in their marriages. Some like the thrill of the chase. Some need to feel the spark of sexual conquest. A lot simply need women to love them. They’ll say anything to make a woman think he’s the most fabulous creature on earth, sometimes by simply noticing things about her and helping her feel great about herself. It’s an ego need. (Random pop psychology note: often when a person feeds off the adoration and love of others, they are doing so because they don’t love themselves.)
As for me, next time I’m out I might go by myself. Just don’t automatically think I’m a creep for drinking alone. I might be doing it to help a married friend stay out of trouble. Or at the very least, let him find trouble without my help.
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Entries
Comment by whatmenthink
| March 26th, 2008
Whether they go out with you or someone else or alone is irrelevant. They would act this way with or without you. If you are looking to hook up at the bar, the last thing you need is a wingman. You just need confidence with an air of indifference. If you are looking for a relationship, stop looking in bars. Even online dating is better than your local dive bar. The best place to meet like minded singles is getting involved in charities or volunteer work. Singles tend to be more active in these areas. You might even try a speed dating service, but the local bar is just a meat market to hook up. Unless thats what you want. ;)
Comment by whatmenthink
| March 26th, 2008
Added you to my blogroll. Good for readers to get many male points of view.
Comment by dadshouse
| March 26th, 2008
Whatmenthink - you are absolutely right! They’ll act that way regardless. But if I choose not to go out with them, at least my conscience is clean… I agree bars are meat markets. I’ve found bars in upscale restaurants to be different - I’ve met women in these places, some to date, some who turned out to be good friends. And the wingman concept works in other places, like wine tasting rooms.
Comment by brenda
| March 26th, 2008
Well. I wouldn’t necessarily find a man alone in a bar as a weirdo. But then again, I haven’t frequented bars in many years, so I don’t have much experience in that area anymore.
As for online dating? My experience is that most men there are not looking for anything serious. But that’s just been my experience.
:)
Comment by Cara Hurley
| March 27th, 2008
You make a lot of good points about it. Married men suck, period. lol, I kid, I kid! ;-)