When Online Dating Doesn’t Work, Use Your DNA
Dear David,
online dating isn’t working for me. I’ve tried different dating sites for over a year now, with no luck. Granted, I go on plenty of coffee dates, but I haven’t even come close to finding Mr. Right. Is it me, or am I correct in thinking internet dating doesn’t work? I need your advice! Should I get an internet dating profile makeover? Would a professional photo help me look better online? Should I hire an editor to punch-up my profile essay? Help!
- Frustrated in Fresno
Dear Frustrated,
Believe me, I understand exactly how you feel. Through eight years of divorce I’ve done a lot of online dating, and like you, I haven’t found my ideal match. I hear it works for some people, but I’m skeptical. Despite success stories you might have heard about a sister’s roommate or a second cousin’s friend-of-a-friend finding love online, there are tens of millions of people on internet dating sites right now, most of whom aren’t quite so satisfied. It seems Jupiter Research found that “barely one quarter of users reported being very satisfied or satisfied with online personals sites.”
(I’m happy to share a good review of what’s wrong with online dating, citing studies and surveys to make the point. Sadly, such voices of reason tend to get drowned out by industry hype when there’s big money to be made. The New York Times reported that in 2007 online matchmaking industry subscription revenues were $650 million, while SmartMoney.com suggests the figure is $890 million. No wonder some dating advice sites happily suggest you give internet dating a try – there are referral commissions to be made!)
I won’t tell you internet dating sucks completely. It has proved an efficient way to meet strangers for coffee, drinks, dinner, and even booty calls. (Forget Adult Friend Finder, for casual dating Craigslist is totally free.) Internet dating is definitely for real, as researchers at UC Berkeley are trying to better understand the effect of online dating sites on how people interact.
But for finding the love of your life, my advice is this: give online dating a rest. Cancel your online matchmaking membership and hide your internet dating profile. Get out, mingle, flirt in everyday life. Join a club. Go to the gym. Volunteer for a cause. Put yourself out there.
And if that doesn’t work, use your DNA.
That’s right, there’s now (online, of course) a service that will match you genetically with a prospective partner. Talk about chemistry! For $1,995.95 (less 50% off until February 2009), you can join ScientificMatch.com. They’ll have you swab the inside of your cheek with cotton and send them a sample of your DNA. (I’m not sure whether it’s best to swab after enjoying your favorite meal or cocktail, or whether your mouth should be antiseptically clean. I’m guessing this is addressed in ScientificMatch.com’s DNA collection kit.)
Apparently, a chemical match like this provides amazing benefits, including: “you’ll love their natural body fragrance–they’ll smell ‘sexier’ than other people,” and “there will be less cheating in your exclusive relationship,” and “your children will be healthier.”
What’s not to like?
In short, Frustrated, it’s not you, or the photo in your profile, or the 250 words in your essay. Online dating doesn’t work. Instead, swab a bit of that double-helix magic out of your mouth, and Mr. Right will soon be on his way.
- Confessions of a Serial Online Dater, part 1 (Craigslist coffee date gone bad)
- An Online Dating Success Story
- Eight Great Ways to Meet Someone New
- Sexy Dirty Texting
- Online Dating Expectations
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