Confessions of a Serial Online Dater, part 1 (Craigslist coffee date gone bad)
When CityGirl answered my craigslist ad, I should have known by the way she replied that we’d already met. My post said I was looking for an attractive, educated woman to meet for cocktails in Palo Alto. In her email reply she said she lived in San Francisco but frequently consulted on the peninsula, and she’d love to meet a handsome, athletic, educated, successful man that evening. (Cue the heart palpitations; what professional guy wouldn’t want to be described like that?) But, her email continued, why stop at drinks when dinner in a nice restaurant would be oodles more fun? She was a self-proclaimed foodie, and she knew of a cute little Japanese spot that had just opened in Menlo Park.
The summer before, I’d met a woman online through match.com who lived in the City and consulted on the peninsula. We met in person at University Café, a Palo Alto coffee house, presumably for cappuccino.
“Are you hungry?” she asked on that summer day.
No, not really, it was only 11:30, and I usually ate after a midday bike ride. I shrugged politely. “Are you?” I asked.
“I’m famished!” she said. “I was in a client meeting all morning. Mind if we grab a bite?”
Now, from my neck of the woods, a bite is just that – a small little something to tie you over. And I can always find room for a raspberry-apricot scone or a poppy-seed bagel. “Sure,” I said. I turned to the café, a spacious place with seating that spilled onto the sidewalk. It was a beautiful day, and a nearby table for two seemed ready-made for our date.
“Oh, not here,” she said. “The food’s terrible.”
I’d eaten here before, it wasn’t so bad. And this was about two strangers chatting and getting to know each other. Conversation would be first and foremost on the menu.
But she hooked her arm around mine and started us strolling down the street.
“I know this cute little Greek place nearby,” she said. “It’s got big shudder windows that I’m sure they’ve thrown open today. You’ll love it.”
The only Greek place I knew in Palo Alto was Evvia, a sister restaurant to San Francisco’s elegant Kokkari. Both were admired for their gourmet cuisine. A bit much for a coffee date, but I have to admit, strolling arm-in-arm in downtown Palo Alto with a beautiful woman on a bright summer day felt good. I could get used to this.
Lulled by the siren song, I followed her in.
We sat and the waiter came with a pitcher of tap water. She waved it off and asked for a bottle of sparkling. Then she proceeded to order soup, salad, an appetizer, and main course. A perfect little feast for two to share.
“And what are you having?” she asked me.
So much for sharing. I ordered a roasted lamb sandwich.
“You’re only having one course?” she asked.
The pretense was getting old, fast. We chatted over lunch, and it became clear that she was only interested in the food, and not in me. Plus, she didn’t visit the peninsula all that regularly; she usually stayed put in San Francisco. Long distance dating for a single dad like me.
When the bill came (after dessert and Greek coffee, of course), she didn’t flinch. She waited for me to pick it up. Now, if this had truly been a coffee date, I would have gladly paid for her grande-triple-mocha-caramel-skim-milk-latte-no-whip. And if we were boyfriend/girlfriend, I’d pick up the tab as well. But she’d turned our getting-to-know-you date into her personal banquet. No way I was paying.
“Did you need help with that?” she finally asked.
“Yes,” I said.
She was taken aback, but tossed a credit card onto the table. I have to admit, it felt weird. I was raised to never let a date pay. At least I split the bill equally; she’d ordered 80% of the food.
Now nine months later, it’s spring and I’m experiencing déjà vu all over again. CityGirl has got to be the same woman. The dating pool really is rather small. I emailed her: I think we’ve met. Lunch at Evvia last summer?
She sent back a pic. It was definitely her. She wrote: Oh, maybe! You sound familiar. I do so many lunches, I can’t be sure. At any rate, if we did meet, it’s been a long time. I’m sure we have a lot of catching up to do!
Catching up? Was she high?
I wrote back: on the other hand, the fact we never pursued a second date means maybe we didn’t hit it off too well in the first. As tempting as Japanese sounds, I’ll pass.
I’m guessing CityGirl found someone else. A foodie like her doesn’t seem the type to eat alone.
- Relationship Compatibility
- Woman of My Dreams, Manifested
- Craigslist Dating for Women
- Cat Woman
- Hungry For You
- Sexy and Funny Stories
- Texting vs Calling For a Date
- Taking Third-Date Sex to a New Extreme
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Comment by whatmenthink
| March 31st, 2008
As I’ve always stated on my blog, I believe in equality of men and women. It makes me upset when women wish to be treated as equals, but then presume we will also continue to be traditional (i.e. pay, drive, open doors, take jackets, pull out chairs, etc.) Sure I still do these things, but for their orignal value. To show someone you appreciate/admire them, not out of obligation.
In a few words, CityGirl is a sexist pig.
Comment by amy
| March 31st, 2008
I’ve heard lots of dating stories — but that takes the cake!
Comment by singlemomseeking
| April 1st, 2008
Did I really make you misty eyed today? For real?…
I’d LOVE to see a blog by you about getting off-line and getting in a REAL line, where you might actually meet real, live single parents… Soccer sign-ups anyone?
These so-called “lunch dates” happen a lot in NYC, so I’ve heard from a few men… who got duped by hungry women. I’m so glad that you had your radar on this time!
Comment by Cara
| April 1st, 2008
Today your blog was featured in the What Men Think blog. Congratulations!
I am a big fan of What Men Think, so much so that I decided to ask him to write my first ever guest blog and I hope you enjoy what he has to share with us. He is doing a great job for the heterosexual female population, as you can see. He loves helping and is willing to answer any nagging dating questions. Happy reading!
http://carahurley.blogspot.com/2008/04/guest-blogger-what-men-think-about-your.html
Comment by Brianne Pitt
| April 2nd, 2008
Goodness. Some people! I hope you have better luck in the future!
Comment by dadshouse
| April 2nd, 2008
Thanks for all the great comments. More to come in my “Confessions” series. Sadly, I have lots more online dating stories to tell.
Comment by Lance
| April 3rd, 2008
That’s amazing. I had heard of women doing this, but never had a personal encounter. I would have stated from the outset, “Sister, I don’t pay for dinners on a first date. We’re going to get two drinks each and you’re going to impress me with your rapier wit and sex appeal, or I’m outta here.” Try that frame. Keep the upper hand.
See, I think this is part of the problem with the traditional dating model. Guy asks girl out. Guy pays. Guy expects kissing or sex. Guy isn’t sure if girl wants to do it. Screw that. Find out if the sexual connection is there first, and then talk about dinner later. No one gets a free meal.
Comment by Romulus Burnett
| April 11th, 2008
Being the professional dater that I am, I knew exactly where this was going when she asked “Are you hungry?” Yeah. Right. That’s code for: “I’m hungry. Do you have any money?”
I figured that trick out years ago. Way back then I would have put up with it but now I’m less inclined to do so. I engage in deep conversation with potential dates long before we even plan on going anywhere.
When that start talking that “I know where the best restaurants are” garbage I intervine and plan the entire night around a budget, which means we’re dinning on MY side of town where I’m more familiar with the prices, which works 95% of the time. However, if she insists on being greedy I’ll go along but already have a “plan B” in place. “Plan B” consists of detouring somewhere romantic and secluded after dropping between 85 to 150 bucks. I’m sure you can figure the rest out. Mind you, I’m testing the chemistry factor all along while at the restaurant.
Comment by Jaclyn
| May 30th, 2008
When I was online dating, I went out on a handful of dates and not once did the date pay for my meal or admission to anything. Sure, they offered, and while tempting (due to my budget), I’ve never taken anyone up on it. I feel guilty about it and like to spend my own money on myself and not feel like I “owe them” something. I’ll order whatever I want…and I’ll pay for it myself. Some guys have actually been really turned off by me wanting to pay my own way, but if they can’t handle it, they just might not be worth the trouble.
Comment by Melodie
| June 24th, 2008
I’m always very considerate when it comes to first dates; if I suggest doing anything, I intend to pay for myself and whatever the guy had to pay for himself wouldn’t be more than $15 plus he’d know about it going into it. Something simple and free like a walk in the park would be fine with me, too. But if the guy is the one who suggests going to a nice restaurant and then takes me there, then I let him pay because it was his idea and he knew what the prices were going to be. Even so, I still try to be considerate, asking what he’s ordering first and then getting something at about the same price, and only ordering water with no appetizer (unless he seriously offers) and no dessert. I don’t think I’m taking advantage of anyone. I never ever suggest going to a restaurant.
Comment by CityGirl
| March 25th, 2009
Call me! I’m famished!
Smooooooooooooooochies!
Comment by Sophie
| February 25th, 2010
Way to go for not paying! Really can’t stand this kind of girls!
Comment by janeen
| April 28th, 2010
OK, I don’t get this at all. I love trendy restaurants and great food as much as the next person, but dinner dates seem like a really, really bad idea for a first encounter with someone I haven’t met in person. You can have the best food in the world but if the conversation is awkward and there’s no chemistry, then the whole experience lasts way longer than it should. Besides, cocktails are so much more fun!
And what’s with the dating pool being “small” on the peninsula? Small is here where you have to camp out on the courthouse steps waiting for “new” singles to emerge with their divorce papers in hand!
janeen´s last blog ..Carrying On