There’s an Order to a Single Parent’s Relationship Universe
I’m in a relationship with my ex-wife and also with my two kids. Don’t worry, I don’t live on an FLDS compound in Texas or have some twisted perversion. I don’t mean that kind of relationship. I just figured when Honey & Lance held a contest and asked, What defines a successful relationship? And what does it take to achieve relationship success? the focus was meant to be on relationships of the sexual kind. For me, it’s not so cut and dried.
While romantic relationships have their place and time, for a single parent, other kinds of relationships take center stage. Don’t get me wrong – dating and parenting can be a copasetic mix. But there’s an order to a single parent’s relationship universe.
1. Kids – you don’t know what love is until you have children. As a parent, I put my kids’ needs first. Being responsible is only part of it. Like the Dalai Lama says, the purpose of life is to be happy, and the road to happiness is through compassion. Taking care of my kids fits that to a T. And even though I only have half-time custody, because of soccer and lacrosse and band and other functions, I see them way more often than that. What defines success? My kids feeling happy, healthy, loved, and cared for. Seeing them thrive.
2. The Ex – my ex-wife and I coparent together. While we don’t keep tabs on what goes on in the other’s house, we talk daily and reach agreement on decisions regarding the kids. Success here is tricky. Just when things are humming along, a boyfriend speaks when he shouldn’t be heard, a girlfriend shows up when she shouldn’t be seen, a weekend custody plan gets turned on its ass. The key is to resolve things without an attorney. And never, no matter how good things are going, never ever sleep with an ex-spouse. It just stirs up messy emotions that are better left untouched.
3. Booty Call Partner – yes, single parents do sometimes get laid, despite putting the kids first. Since I’m only free to meet a woman on half of my nights (or less), and since I want to keep my kids off a dating rollercoaster, even when I do meet a woman I like, I’ll wait a few months before having her meet them. In the meantime, a booty call partner can be a very good thing. Success here means she understands my kids come first. If she texts for booty and I say I’m busy, she doesn’t jealously think I’m seeing someone on the side. Instead, she finds out when I can see her, and shows up on that night wearing nothing but a long coat and lingerie. Ah, yes. The sweet smell of success! (Of course, the quality of sex is important, too. Everyone has their tastes – gentle, rough, kinky, sensual, dominating, or just plain hot.)
4. Friends With Benefits – two friends hang out together, enjoy each other’s company, and every now and then climb into bed together. Hey, we all have needs. And we don’t all have body pillows. FWB success means you truly care about each other as friends, you’re comfortable talking about and showing some vulnerability, but you don’t allow yourself to fall in love and get deeply attached. You keep just enough emotional space to respect your separate selves in the morning. It also helps if you both give good spoon. (As in, spooning.)
5. Girlfriend – a girlfriend will embrace the best of everything above: kids, booty, friends, benefits. Plus something deeper. You might even end up wanting to put her first, before your kids. (But then she’ll use all the hot water in the shower some morning, or steal the covers in bed some night, and you’ll remember that you are a single parent and it’s no one’s job to take care of you but you.) Success with a girlfriend means you can envision a future together. One that involves her and you (in and out of bed), and also involves her with your kids (not in bed, unless you’re in a compound in Texas). Just be aware that your first girlfriend after divorce might be a rebound relationship. And dating for single parents takes patience.
6. Mother – hey, everyone should have a good relationship with their mom, don’t you think? If you end up like the poor souls of Legion of Rock Stars covering Danzig 
, you’ve got work to do.
So you see, a single parent’s relationship universe isn’t so complicated. You just have to see the order to it all. Anyone looking to date a single parent might take note.
[Update: the post you just read was the contest winner! Who would have guessed a divorced single parent knows something about successful relationships?]
- How to Start Dating a Single Dad
- Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
- Sexy Flirty Dirty Text Messages
- Can Dating Single Parents Be Vulnerable?
- How to Date Four Women at Once
- Sexy and Funny Dating Stories
- The ‘Fun Parent’ in Divorce
- Breastfeeding Your Man and Blind Date Sex – While Kids are in the Next Room
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Comment by Bill Beck
| April 7th, 2008
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Comment by A Girlfriend
| April 7th, 2008
Wow, hope your kids don’t read this. :)
I am the girlfriend of a single dad with three kids. He has them full time. We’ve been dating now for two years and recently we started talking about the possibility of marriage. He said he thinks I should really start to “take it up a notch” with the kids. I’m not really sure how to do this other than just spend more time with them, but that’s hard when he’s there and the three of them tend to play together a lot. I would be interested to hear another dads thoughts on that. What kinds of things should I be doing? Taking them out one on one? I can’t really think of any other way to do it.. am I missing something?
Comment by dadshouse
| April 7th, 2008
I’m not too worried about my kids reading my blog. They barely listen to me, let alone want to read anything I write! (just kidding – we get along great.)
As to taking it up a notch. Hard to tell what your boyfriend means. How old are the kids? Boys or girls? Does he have full-time or part-time custody?
I’ve never been engaged in my post-divorce life, but there was one woman I came really close to marrying. She and my kids got along great. My daughter bonded with her over girl stuff – clothes, hair, soccer, music. My son bonded with her because she’s a woman and she’s cute and nice. (He takes after me, I guess.)
The girlfriend rarely did stuff with my kids one-on-one as I was usually there, too. But she bonded with them as individuals and showed them a lot of compassion.
Our situation was different than yours because she and I weren’t engaged, and because my ex had half-time custody. This meant the central female figure in my kids’ life was their mom, not my girlfriend. My girlfriend understood and accepted that. But a stepmom like you’ll be carries more weight with the kids, both legally and emotionally.
I think what my kids liked most about that girlfriend was that she made them feel like they really mattered to her – she listened attentively to their daily doings, their fears, hopes, concerns. She was a good pal to both of them. Once again, I’ll use the word compassion – she really showed them that.
Comment by A Girlfriend
| April 7th, 2008
I am 26, he 42. The ex died two years ago. Kids: twins, boy and girl 9, boy 11. I think you made a good point. I need to make more of an effort to show that I love them and am concerned with their lives whenever I am there, not just when I have alone time with them. I felt like I was already doing that. But obviously not to the extend I need to.
I’m sure it’s hard to gauge a situation without knowing the whole story, but I appreciate your comments! Love your blog. Saw the link at Single-ish.
Comment by dadshouse
| April 7th, 2008
Thanks! Congrats to you for taking the plunge with your single dad boyfriend. I happen to think single dad’s have a lot to offer! And it sounds like you do, too. Let me know how things go.
Comment by auntiegwen
| April 8th, 2008
I really enjoyed your blog. I have had 1 serious relationship since my ex husband and I split up, my new partner also was a single parent.We really thought we would be a forever thing and then we broke up and I still really really miss his children.
I never wanted to be the kind of Mummy who introduced her kids to loads of men and I am now wondering how I can ever date again, my ex husband never has my 3 children overnight so it makes Mummy on her own time kind of difficult !!
Comment by Allison
| April 8th, 2008
Hello, I came to your blog by way of the Taoist Biker’s blog. I enjoyed reading this post, and was most amused by the following line:
“…a boyfriend speaks when he shouldn’t be heard, a girlfriend shows up when she shouldn’t be seen…”
Very amusing :-)
Comment by singlemomseeking
| April 8th, 2008
Okay, so what happened to that amazing girlfriend? She sounds like a catch!
Comment by dadshouse
| April 8th, 2008
Hi Allison – thanks for visiting!
Auntie Gwen – I hear you. I love the time I get with my kids, but also appreciate the time I get to myself. I truly admire full-time single parents. There are some full-time single moms with great blogs – http://singlemomseeking.com and http://mssinglemama.com are my faves.
SMS – the particular former girlfriend I had in mind when writing that part of the post still holds a very fond place in my heart… I’ll leave it at that.
Comment by lance
| April 9th, 2008
Very concise and written with a sense of humor. I wasn’t aware that single dads had booty calls, but there you go…Great stuff!
Comment by Shannon
| April 14th, 2008
It’s good to find someone who has the co-parenting relationship with their ex that I do. As a single mom for five years, I really nurtured that. I just got married in January and sometimes I think my husband is a bit threatened by that…even though he has absolutely no reason to be. I just feel that my daughter should have two parents who can at least agree on one thing-her well being. And her well being is best served by her parents being amicable.
Love your blog. Found it via singlemomseeking and Ms.SingleMama.
Comment by Sue
| July 24th, 2008
Great post. I started dating a single dad about 3 months ago. I did not think I would ever date a guy with a kid, but I fell in love with him quickly and I’m doing my best to adjust to a new sitiuation. It’s one I never imagined myself doing and there are setbacks but I really want this and I’m committed to doing the best I can do. He, on the other hand, takes every opportunity to tell me how he doesn’t think I can “handle it” or how I’ll never make a good parent(after only 3 months people!) Help! How do I make him see a good relationship with both him AND his daughter takes TIME! I gave the single dad a chance but he’s not giving me one back… Is this a defense mechanism??
Comment by dadshouse
| July 24th, 2008
Sue – good for you dating a single dad! You sound a little like my first serious post-divorce girlfriend. She never imagined dating a single dad, but once she got to know me as a person beyond that label, and got to know my kids, she fell in love (and I did, too) We dated for over a year before things ended.
I’m guessing he is throwing up a defense mechanism. Maybe he is scared of getting too close. Divorce is painful and very hard to get through, and maybe he fears if he falls in love but things don’t work out, he’d suffer through those feelings again.
Or maybe he’s being cautious about bringing a woman around his kids. It seems to me if he’s dating you for 3 months, he must like you. Actions are stronger than words. As long as it’s a real dating relationship, rather than a booty call/friend with benefits thing, there’s potential.
Have you talked to him about his saying you can’t “handle it”? Maybe address it directly. Tell him “when you say that to me, I feel this..” and encourage him to stop saying those things. If you ask him why he’s doing it, he’ll give you reasons, building up his defense. So I think it’s better to get him to see that it makes you unhappy to hear, and you’d rather he say things that make you happy. Then maybe you’ll start getting that chance to show him things can work.
Comment by Derek
| August 10th, 2008
I’ve been a single dad for two years. Ive been a full-time parent to my child for three. I thought that I had found the right one and we discussed me taking full custody of my child. When it initially begun the three of us were very happy. He was my child and I made it clear that I’d give her as much responsibility as she wanted. She elected to have none. I half expected that from a 20 year old girl. So, I learned to seperate the two as much as possible. When it was unavoidable, she had to interact with him.
Almost a year later, a four year relationship ended. Wedding ring hiding in safety deposit box. I was crushed. She moved on and its now been two years of just my child and I.
I have dated two women over the past year. Neither worked out because I was more dedicated to my child. They both claimed that they were accepting of my child. But, neither were truly happy because they werent my primary focus.
So I wonder if at 26. I’m right in my decision to give up on women for a while?