Sorry I Made ‘Dad Gone Mad’ Madder
I want to apologize to DadGoneMad for making him madder. I recently discovered his blog and read a post by him that struck a nerve in me. I made a comment which, in retrospect, came across as sounding extremely judgmental and heavy handed. This justifiably irked DadGoneMad, who told me to lighten up, and suggested I was talking out of my ass and had made an extraordinarily ignorant leap. Another of his readers suggested my response was idiotic. My bad. I apologize. (Not.)
As some of you know, I am quick to defend a single dad’s abilities to parent solo. Through eight years of divorce, I’ve come across a lot of people who assume the dad has no parenting interests, let alone household or childrearing skills.
It’s something I’ve battled in real life with local schools who send important mailings like the results of standardized testing only to the mom’s house. It’s something I’ve encountered with neighborhood moms who assume I can’t cook. (One mom brought over an entire wagon-load of healthy food to a barbecue I was throwing since she assumed I wouldn’t serve more than hot dogs. There was plenty to eat without her contribution.) It’s something I read about in bestseller books that depict dads as being incompetent.
I’m not shy about making my voice heard. When Dating Expert Evan Marc Katz advised that men who text-message women instead of calling them are lazy, and women deserve better than to be treated like that – I objected and commented that text messaging is a cultural phenomenon, and that in my dating experience, women have sent me far more text messages than I’ve sent them.
When another blogger opined that Jamie Lynn Spears shouldn’t get married if it’s only in response to societal or parental pressures that there be a husband/father in the house – I objected and commented that the dad had a right to be in the picture, and pointed out that Jamie Lynn’s sister Britney hadn’t been a very good mom. (Props to K-Fed for being a stand-up guy.)
So when DadGoneMad said that when his kids were toddlers and their mom left for a getaway weekend he “dreaded the mere notion of 48 straight hours of home confinement with two children,” and that on a present-day weekend he and his kids “spent much of the weekend in front of the TV,” I assumed he didn’t like alone time with his children. A nerve was struck within me and the uninvolved-dad stereotype reared its ugly head in my mind.
I apologize to DadGoneMad for not understanding that the grousing in his post was meant to be humorous. I apologize for suggesting his post was furthering an outdated notion of dads being incapable at home. I now understand that he was relating an anecdote of an isolated incident in an attempt to be funny, not making a statement about how things between the sexes are or ought to be. I got on a soapbox that I had no business getting on, and I rankled him and his readers in the process.
For this, I apologize.
(And if you missed the tongue in cheek approach to this post, consider that a person’s thoughts and words manifest into their life. Dread your kids? Your kids will be dreadful. You get the point…)
- Getting Along With Your Kids – ABC News’ Juju Chang Talks to David Mott (video segment)
- Parenting – Competitive or Cooperative?
- Play the Game of Life
- A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
- Funny Dating Stories
- Men Suck
- Priceless Humor
- Sorry to Rankle!
- Parenting is a Contact Sport
- Marry Him! Lori Gottlieb Book Out Feb 4
- It’s Snowing! On Webcam
- Funny Sick Twisted Humor from Dad’s House Readers in 2008
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Comment by jen
| April 9th, 2008
hey dadshouse! i’m a long time reader of dadgonemad and (as far as i can tell via his blog) he seems to be a more than amazing father. however, i completely understand where you’re coming from and felt that the comment you left on his site was well thought out and had an extremely good point. i guess some people may have read your comment thinking you had the “holier than thou” syndrome, but i didn’t see it that way at all. your comment really did make me (and i’m sure many others as well) think twice about the role of fathers in their children’s lives. and even more props for being man enough to write this post and for being a wonderful single dad!!
Comment by dadshouse
| April 9th, 2008
Thanks Jen. I think the fact that I only get to see my kids half time makes me really cherish that time with them. That doesn’t mean I cherish them “more” than anyone else, it just tears my heart out when they aren’t here. I totally understand how parents who are around their kids daily can get a little bonkers at times. But kids grow up fast (my daughter heads to college in 2 years), and I don’t “get” the humor in saying you “dread” them. Clearly that’s something for me to muse on my own blog.
I appreciate your comment and support!
Comment by Dad Gone Mad
| April 9th, 2008
All is forgiven, my friend. I appreciate that you wrote this and I naturally accept your apology, but it’s totally unnecessary. If I banished everyone with whom I’ve ever disagreed, I’d be a pretty lonely guy.
I’m not mad. (But if you cross me again, I’ll cut you.) ;)
Comment by singlemomseeking
| April 9th, 2008
Well, I hope you were able to let off some steam about this issue with that single mom you had coffee with… Was she empathetic? I hope so.
Comment by dadshouse
| April 9th, 2008
Totally empathetic! Though I have way bigger fish to fry than this issue, as the coffee drinking single mom well knows!
Comment by Terri
| April 9th, 2008
I don’t read Dad Gone Mad but I went over there to see what all the fuss was about. I agree with Jen that there are two sides here. But I wonder how Dad Gone Mad and his readers would feel if he was told he could only see his kids half time. Would he think a life like that is Shangri-La like he says? Would he keep on complaining about his kids and dread seeing them by himself? I’m a single mom with half time custody, and I’m so glad my kids’ dad is involved in their life. But like Dad’s House, it tears my heart out whenever they aren’t with me. I don’t enjoy hearing a full-time parent whine about their kids when instead they could be happy and grateful for the experience they are having.
Comment by dadshouse
| April 9th, 2008
Hi Terri – thanks for the note! I can only guess that DadGoneMad and his readers enjoy sarcasm. Not my cup of tea, but to each his own.
Comment by Fran
| April 11th, 2008
Good for you; stand-up guy thing to do.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| April 15th, 2008
Dads House, I stumbled upon your blog through Single Mom Seeking (it’s a rather incestuous blogging world, isn’t it?), and this post got me thinking. Not the apology per se, although that was nice of you, but about dads, single and married, who are present and engaged in their kids’ life.
Your comment — “Through eight years of divorce, I’ve come across a lot of people who assume the dad has no parenting interests, let alone household or childrearing skills” — is something I have heard from many single dads I know. It’s just sad. And (sorry, here’s a plug for my own blog) I’ve written about it on “The Divorce Dilemma” http://blogs.marinij.com/katwilder/2007/08/divorce_gaffes.html and “Married to Mr. Mom” http://blogs.marinij.com/katwilder/2007/05/married_to_mr_mom_1.html
I, for one, find those kinds of dads very sexy. Why? Because it shows they enjoy many kinds of love, and that expands who they are as a person and that is a truly beautiful thing.
Comment by dadshouse
| April 15th, 2008
Hi Kat – thanks for the pointers into your blog, I read your posts and totally related, especially to the divorce-gaffes where moms are considered the primary social conduit, whether a “couple” is married or divorced. (Funny that people see my ex-wife and I as a couple still!) I’ll keep reading your blog.