Wouldn’t Both Single Parents Be Concerned About Their Children’s Health?
My son’s orthodontist office called to see if we’d gotten his X-rays taken for next Monday’s consultation.
X-rays? Consultation? I knew nothing.
My ex-wife had taken my son to his last ortho appointment, a routine checkup. She and I have joint custody of the kids, and take turns taking them to appointments. Apparently this time the orthodontist saw something he didn’t like and is advising more work.
The least someone could have done is tell me. After all, I’m equally concerned about my children’s health.
Sharing information between my kids’ mom and me has been a problem over the years. Despite an amicable separation, a desire to coparent, and living in homes just three blocks apart, communication flows decidedly one way – from Dad’s house to Mom’s house – hardly ever the other direction.
To combat this, I’ve tried to get schools, doctor offices, coaches and team parents to communicate information to both me and my ex-wife. Every time, it’s an uphill battle. When a Marin single mother blogged about the frustration of filling out forms that ask for a child’s “main” address when there are two households involved, I related completely.
I asked the orthodontist’s office if the doctor would mind sharing his opinion with me. “That’s what Monday’s consultation is all about,” the receptionist said. A consultation I would have known nothing about if the office had been able to reach my son’s mom and gotten the X-ray status. (I would have known nothing, that is, until the bill came.)
Sadly, it’s typical in our society for a father to be less involved in childrearing. When I suggested on a married man’s blog that fathers in general should be more present and involved with their kids, my comments maddened him and his readers. But I have joint physical and legal custody, and a willingness and interest to know what’s going on with my children, whether it’s school, health, sports, friends. I need to be informed.
The question is – if in eight years of divorce I’ve failed to get my ex-wife to communicate information to me, is it fair for me to demand that schools and doctors and youth sports teams do it, instead? I feel bad dragging them into it. After all, the fact I’m divorced isn’t their problem.
Still, I wonder when society will truly start accepting two-home families.
- Since When Are Dads Not Important?
- A Great Child Custody Schedule for Divorced Parents
- Auto Insurance is Double for Teens of Divorced Single Parents
- Single Parents Connection Facebook Group
- Not All Men Are Monsters
- Birthday Traditions for Children of Divorce
- Hey Ann Coulter – It’s Evolution, Baby!
| 
Subscribe | © 2008-09 David Mott, DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.
Entries
Follow me
Comment by Kat Wilder
| April 17th, 2008
I have the same problem, except in reverse. I tend to be the one to keep my kid’s dad informed, and he often is oblivious to the fact that he should tell me that, oh, he took our teen to get x-rayed, etc.
I don’t know how we can “demand” to be informed from strangers when we can’t even get it from the person we once shared bodily fluids with! It’s too complicated for them to do twice the work, and I absolutely get it.
But I don’t know the answer, either. So I call my kid when he’s at his dad’s to check in; he’s old enough now to be his own advocate, and if I hear something that makes me say, “Huh?” I call/e-mail his dad.
I’m sure this is why I turn grayer by the day …
Pingback by In response to Dad’s house re: medical info sharing; « Mom By Half | April 17th, 2008
[...] · No Comments Dad’s House wrote a post this morning that hit a chord in me. See it here. Communication issues are prevalent amongst us single parents, but sharing information about your [...]
Comment by chatanika
| April 17th, 2008
When it comes to your kids, who cares if it’s fair for outside agencies to communicate to you? If that’s the only way that you can get information, so be it.
I’ve had to inform my sons’ schools that there is virtually no communication from my ex and that double copies of everything (newsletters, report cards, etc) need to be sent to both households. The nurse at my younger son’s school knows that if he is sick in school, she should call me first no matter what week it is. I’m not even apologetic about it anymore. I didn’t create the situation, I’m just doing my job as the Mom.
Dadshouse, I linked to this post from my blog… had a wee story to tell!
Comment by Kat Wilder
| April 17th, 2008
OMG (can you tell I have a teen?)), I just realized you referred to my post. *Gulp* thank you!
Comment by amy
| April 17th, 2008
Ohmygoodness. I try, and try, and try to get the kids dad more involved. I’m the one who misses work, I’m the one who sits with them at the doctor, who comforts them after throat cultures… Their dad, don’t you know.. has to work — because that’s so much more important.
We took my younger son to the Dr & he had to have a blood test (as he usually does after seeing this Dr) & my son said “oh, Dad will come – he’s never been with me for a blood test!” And my X said “No. I have to go to work now.” And let’s not forget the classic when he had the kids over one weekend & I asked him to bring one of them in for a throat culture (sore throat) so I wouldn’t have to during the week. His answer – “but it’s my Father’s Day – great. ruin my day.”
Or how he never helps with homework. School projects. Anything.
Sorry for the rant. And I truly hope I’m wrong, but I fear you are the exception and not the rule.
Comment by mssinglemama
| April 18th, 2008
I agree with Amy … it’s why you are coming up on so many walls. Because you ARE the exception to the rule, unfortunately. I would KILL for my husband to have 5% of the caring that you obviously do for these daily tasks, school, health, etc.
Sigh.
Comment by dadshouse
| April 18th, 2008
Well then, let’s all give dads (married or single) a kick in the pants to get more involved!
Comment by Shannon
| April 21st, 2008
I always inform my daughters Dad about everything…even though it sometimes seems like he doesn’t want to know. And yes, like the above comments I’ve read-you definitely are the exception to the norm.
Comment by Aprille
| April 22nd, 2008
I just started reading your blog a few weeks ago and am now addicted. You are truely and amazing dad and unfortunatly like everyone above me has said the exception to the rule. I only wish that my kids father was as involved as you are. I’m trying to get him to read your blog but he is too busy with work? Or playing poker? I’m not sure which one yet because if it wasn’t for his mom I’m not sure he would ever spend more than one day a week with our children. Thank you for being such a great father and an inspiration to single parents- I’m sure you don’t hear thank you enough so again, Thank you!
Comment by Supermom Bonnie
| March 7th, 2009
I am enjoying your stories and words of advise to single parents.
You have a fantastic way of writing and getting your point across
In an entertaining way. Your children are fortunate to have a father
Such as you. I have joint custody which meant our kids lived with me
In New Jersey during the week where they receive their education,
Build friendships, medical care, extra curricular activities and much
Nurturing from their mom who works FT and graduated college with MA
After attending FT for 5 years.
Their Dad was the Weekend Disney Dad while they were little till they were teens. Now as they have matured they see him
less maybe once a month, but talk frequently. Wish it was more often then that, but with school, work, activities, friends, etc time flies quickly.
Comment by Dan
| June 29th, 2009
I know this is coming on the issue late, but it’s NOT unreasonable, IMHO, to expect a school or doctor’s office to communicate with both parents. Especially about medical stuff – what if a child, say a young child, had been diagnosed with a serious condition, and the parent in-the-know didn’t tell the other parent? What if the child was with the O.P. one day and the serious condition came into play – and the O.P. is clueless? That’s an extreme example, perhaps, but instructive.
It takes at most an extra minute or two to call a second parent and leave a message. That shouldn’t be a big deal.