Ways to End Relationships (And Live to Tell…)
When my girlfriend and I broke up last November I figured it was over for good. I’d been around the block enough times to know that rebounding with an ex was a bad idea. Still, when she texted me for booty in early March, I didn’t say no. And so began a rekindling that never quite caught.
On a recent weekend when I came down with a fever, her true colors came out. She texted me for booty, and when I told her I was sick, she said she didn’t want to catch anything and would stay away. (My ex-wife, on the other hand, upon learning I was sick offered to go to the store and get me whatever I needed. For the record, my kids have a wonderful mom.)
Of the many ways to end relationships, I’m wondering which I should use…
• Ignore her – I could simply stop calling, and not pickup when she calls. This would include a ceasefire on texting. Pros: we broke up once, and this avoids us having to go through that again. Cons: it’s rude, immature, and doesn’t bring closure.
• Text her – since the rebound was restarted by her texting me, it seems fitting to end it the same way. Pros: painless, faceless, quick, surgical, and brings closure. Cons: it’s rude, immature.
• Phone her – she and I have already talked about our lack of future as a couple, and how anything we do together is strictly for fun (a not uncommon scenario.) Steering the conversation from going nowhere to it’s over wouldn’t be too hard. Pros: we’re already pretty straightforward with each other on the phone, and this would end it for good. Cons: it’s rude. When you end an intimate relationship, shouldn’t you look your intimate partner in the eye? (Although, she did end things last November with a phone call.)
• Tell her in person – the stand-up thing to do. Pros: mature approach. Cons: we’d probably sleep together before breaking up. And then again after, for good time’s sake.
Maybe I should just let things drift… Not stress about the lack of chicken soup when I was sick… Don’t throw the booty-call partner out with the bath… After all, it’s hard for a single parent to find a lover who knows that your children come first. (And even harder for full-time single parents whose children are in the next room.)
Maybe I should keep the ex around, after all. I’d certainly live to tell…
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For what it’s worth, I would end it. I appreciate the idea that as a single dad it’s hard to find someone who understands that the kids come first. However, it’s always hard to find someone who understands whatever is most important to you. I think that if you don’t end it then you’re not motivated to find someone who’s better for you (as a lover, gf, whatever).
And of all the options I’d probably do it over the phone, but you could explain why you don’t want to do it in person. Sleeping with someone before and after isn’t exactly closure. You’re not going to get any prizes for the perfect breakup…you’re looking for a compromise between maturity and effectiveness/closure.
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of evaluating the long term potential of any relationship. Seriously, if I did this with a few of my closest girlfriends, I’d be short at least two of them! I say, as long as you’re not dating anyone else, enjoy your time with the ex. What harm is there, really, as long as you both understand it is for the immediate enjoyment, companionship and friendship. She didn’t exactly commit a mortal sin by not producing sympathy and chicken soup. But, I agree….don’t let this be a crutch to stop looking for a better long term ‘child friendly companion…with benefits’. No reason to not be getting any while you look for something more permanent, right? I’d love to hear a man’s advice on this one.
I would be surprised if she doesn’t read your blog. In that case, I think you just ended it.
If it’s causing you stress to think about it, then just email that you’ve moved the next time she emails. If she ONLY texts, then ignore it and she’ll get the message. If it’s not causing you stress, then do nothing. Just let it either drift off naturally or maintain the occasional FB relationship until something better comes along. No need to cut it off unnecessarily.
Great advice so far from everyone. Much appreciated. Believe it or not, other than texting she and I have a low-tech relationship. No email. She doesn’t read my blog. I’m definitely not stressed. My inclination is to let things drift. The staying away (rather than nursing or even helping me) while I was sick thing is clear indication that there’s not much depth to the relationship. But maybe that’s okay for now. It is what it is.
At some point, though, I need to move on and get a proper girlfriend. One who brings me chicken soup when needed. Someone who can meet my kids!
I’m always a proponent of face to face break ups.
Make sure you have a good escape path if turns into a blood bath or sob fest. Booking a second appointment or pressing engagement right after your rendevous will usually work.
Yeah, face to face breakups are always the best. Then they don’t have any ammunition (or should I say EXTRA ammunition), when they go through the angry, bashing you moments. It’s not the easiest way, for sure, but it is the most “stand-up” way. And you don’t want to get a bad name out there in the dating world…although you might actually not suffer from that. Girls like a guy to be a little bit “bad”.
And honestly, she might have wanted to drop something off, or at least OFFER to get anything you may have needed.
Oooooh! I know the answer to this one! The next time she calls or texts, tell her that you have some fairly minor but persistent condition (like, let’s see, how about treatment-resistant crabs) but that you wouldn’t mind getting together anyways and you’ll be really careful so as not to spread said-condition.
She will, of course, balk and you can then say, “well, that’s alright, I need to focus my energies on finding someone who will love me AND my crabs.”
Ta-Dah!
I broke up with someone over the phone once, leaving a message on her answering machine. Not one of my better moments… but she had stopped returning my calls a couple weeks before that anyways.
Of course, as soon as I hung up, it occurred to me that I wasn’t in the position to break up: she’d already ditched me. And I was completely *mortified* by the message i had left. Something along the lines of “If you’re not going to call me back, then it’s over!!”
I realize this doesn’t answer your question, but whenever I tell this story I have a good laugh at my own expense.
Tom - that sounds like a scene from the movie Swingers! You didn’t call 17 times, did you?
Chatanika - that’s a unique approach, I’ll give you that.
Shannon - how come women like “bad” boys so much? Some even like thugs. Maybe I need more “street cred”?
I’m confused about why you are holding it against her that she didn’t bring you soup or nurse you back to health when you were sick. In your post about the constellation of relationships, go back and read the “booty call” section!
Maybe it is just that since she was once your girlfriend, you are now having a hard time seeing her in a lesser/different capacity.
I’d vote for the in person approach if you feel the need to end things. It’s mature and classy.
DH, I think you’re going to have to be the man here and tell her that you’d like to end it … in person … and give up the booty call, too. I know it’s hard for guys to not give into a woman who wants to f@*k him — right now! — but the measure of a man is when things are tough, not easy, right? I sure MLK was talking about just this scenario.
Or, just consider her a booty call, and leave it at that — no breakup needed — as long as it’s clear to both parties it’s booty and booty only.
Hadley - good insight. I’m having trouble relegating her from girlfriend to booty call. If we’d just been booty partners all along, I wouldn’t expect any chicken soup from her. But since she and I were dating before, it really hit home when she avoided me when I was sick.
Kat - I wonder what MLK had to say about booty… Can I wiki that topic? lol
I actually have to agree with Hadley on this one. Only mothers, roommates, and gf’s bring chicken soup, while FB’s most definitely do not. The only thing they bring is the BOOTY. Once you start nursing folks back to health you’re crossing the line into girlfriendy zone.
Face-to-face all the way man. It shows respect, and allows you to keep your dignity. All other ways will put a small weight on your conscience that will unnecessarily distract you from living a normal life. Plus, you don’t want to be looking over your shoulder for a crazy or unexpected reaction to discourteous behavior on your part. If she’s upset face-to-face, you may get a slap (or worse), but it will be done for good.
Yeah … wouldn’t hold it against her for not bringing the soup - although she clearly isn’t your friend. B/c a friend would bring you soup. I prefer my booty calls to be both.
Here’s the thing.
Perpetuating a booty call means you’re physically still kind of attached to that person and it could block the “real deal” from happening.
But if you’re not looking for a relationship with anyone right now then go for it.
Tell him I am busy washing my hair. Can he call me back another time?
*(true story)
I’d just tell her you are STILL sick. Problem solved.
Nearly the same thing happened to me, but we were actually dating at the time. It’s hard when you are sick and you just want a little attention. He wouldn’t come over cause he didn’t want to catch it. Made me so mad. (my ex did go shopping for me me too!) I was mad enough to continue to be “sick” for about 6 weeks, cause I just didn’t want to deal with him. I finally fessed up on the phone. We’d broken up and gotten back together again enough times that phone was acceptable. But if yours is really just a booty call, phone should be fine.
Text-message break-up
Which ever way you decide to do it, ending it would be better for you. Booty call relationship status is precisely the reason why she did not bring you the chicken soup. If you are looking for the type that would bring you the soup, stop wasting your time on those that don’t - you need that scouting time to find the right one. Good luck with this - of course advice is easier given when not faced with the situation. Good luck!