How to Date Four Women at Once
I already know what you’re thinking. How on earth can I write about dating four people at once when most single parents can’t find the time to date one person? I’m here to tell you, the roadblock isn’t time, it’s desire.
Easy for me to say, seeing as I’m dating zero women at the moment. But two summers ago when my kids were traveling with their mom for a month, giving me loads of free time, I did an experiment.
I gave up on my search for the ideal partner, and simply dated to have fun.
I met four women – two through friends, one a stranger I approached in day-to-day life, and one online (an online dating success that wasn’t sarcastic.) Each was different from the others – there were a couple of single moms, a couple of non-natives, a 20-something, two 30-somethings, a 40-something, a few highly educated, one of them not. (All looked cute and sexy in a summer dress.)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not polyamorous or a player, I wasn’t swapping bed partners each night. In fact, I only slept with one of them. I simply spent time planning and doing fun activities with whoever was available. Forget The Rules and The Game. I called whichever of them I was in the mood to see, whenever I liked, for whatever activity struck my fancy.
I’d call Bachelorette #1 (B-1, for short) on Thursday for a weekend hike. I’d call B-2 on Friday for drinks that night. I’d call B-3 for a bike ride any day of the week. I’d plan dinner with B-4 several days in advance. If they couldn’t meet, I found out when they could. And – this is key – as long as there weren’t conflicts, I always made myself available.
By not sleeping over, it was easy to keep things light, and we all could date non-exclusively. (It wasn’t sexless – B-2 and I fell into a booty call relationship where we slept with each other while we both looked for someone else to date long-term. We agreed we’d stop the booty part as soon as one of us got involved with someone. It worked great for a few months, and there were no hard feelings when things ended between us. I didn’t tell the other 3 bachelorettes about this arrangement. I figured there was no need, since I wasn’t sleeping with any of them.)
By dating four women, I always had something fun to do. On the rare occasion none of them was free, I didn’t stress about a lack of plans. I hung out with other friends, or enjoyed alone time, and tried again later.
With my kids gone and the time obstacle removed, I was able to focus frustration-free on desire. I didn’t ask, Who would make the best partner? I asked, Who did I want to spend time with now? The answer changed depending on the day, activity, mood.
When my kids came back, I kept dating the four women. I was less available, but by then they had gotten to know me and were willing to see me even if it took a few weeks to meet. To help things, I allowed myself to occasionally go out on custody nights, as long as I returned home at a reasonable hour.
How did it end? B-2 met a guy, and she and I stopped our liaisons. Soon after, I decided to get more serious with B-3, and we dated for a few months. First, I told B-1 and B-4 that I had met someone who I wanted to pursue a more serious relationship with. They understood, and B-1 is still a good friend.
To recap, here are the keys to dating four women at once:
- Keep things light and activity focused
- Don’t involve booty, unless one of them is your FWB
- Be open to a variety of new activities
- Make yourself available any day or night of the week
- Have the desire to date, relate, and have fun
Who knows, maybe the zero women I’m currently dating will turn into four sometime soon. It’s all about desire.
- Feminine Energy is a Very Good Thing
- A Creepy Writing Vibe
- What Does a Divorced Single Parent Know About Successful Relationships?
- Date Stacking
- Sexy and Funny Dating Stories
- Jon and Kate Gosselin Dating Craziness
- Scarlett Johansson Hot in a Sexy Threesome
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Comment by whatmenthink
| April 30th, 2008
Brilliant! I love it.
Comment by debra
| April 30th, 2008
Thanks David, I love it! The caveat here, this is the way a respectable man dates 4 women at once, I’ve seen it done with far less integrity. A question for you though…what is it that prompts the decision to cut B1 and B4 loose and focus on B3? How did you pull off staying friends with B1 (and did B3 know?) Summer (and the sundresses) are almost here. Get some sleep now while you can, it might be another long busy summer!
Comment by Kat Wilder
| April 30th, 2008
DH, I had done the same thing the fist few years after my divorce because I really didn’t want to be serious with anyone right away; I needed time to experience myself as a single mom and time alone. I’d been married 15 years — that was a long time to be coupled, and I felt as if I’d come out of a cave and everything around me had changed!
I was upfront with that intent from the beginning with each man; no one seemed to mind. In fact, I think they felt relieved! But a few times we did decide, gee, I really like you so I’m going focus on that. I did sleep with more than one, though, and then a few times that became an issue.
The lesson really is that dating is just dating — it doesn’t mean anything more than two people enjoying each other and their time together. Many women start to shoehorn it into a relationship right away (not sure if men do, but I doubt it).
Comment by MetroDad
| April 30th, 2008
This reminds me of one of my favorite jokes. I’ll share it with you now. Let me know what you think….
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Comment by Honey
| April 30th, 2008
Wow, I’m impressed! When I was single I dated numerous people at once all the time, but not the same several people for any consistent length of time. I was the queen of first dates. But then, I was always looking for someone suitable for a long-term relationship, and hardly anyone was. My own inability to put my pickiness aside working against me, I suppose :-)
Comment by dadshouse
| April 30th, 2008
Honey – I used to be King of First Dates and super picky, so I know what you’re saying. My buddies kept telling me to lighten up and go on more second dates, and give these women more of a chance. So for this one summer, I did just that. It led to way more activities (and feminine energy), but still didn’t find me an LTR. Maybe I’ll try again this summer.
MetroDad – LMAO. Too funny. Humor is a good thing. Although, there might be some truth there. It reminds me of an article in USNews last week about FDR and the various women in his life (mother, wife, aide, lover) who satisfied his need for “adulation, admiration, approval, and respite from the crushing burdens of his office.”
http://www.usnews.com/articles/news/politics/2008/04/18/fdrs-secret-love.html
Kat – I was married 9 years but dated that women for 5, so 14 years together as a couple. I think dating after divorce, I forgot how to grow a relationship from scratch. I wanted that instant couple-dom again. Hence my buddies bugging me to lighten things up and date non-exclusively.
Debra – what prompted me to cut B1 and B4 loose? I think after a certain amount of time, if you’re not sleeping with someone, it feels weird. I felt that way about B1 and B4. I liked B1 enough to maintain a friendship. As for B3, I felt some genuine potential there and we got more serious. But she was a single mom, and our custody schedules were a difficult match (I have 50/50 time, she has 6/1). I guess I didn’t notice that while I had 3 other distractions! I never told her about B1. I have female friends and male friends, and she never met the whole group.
Great comments – love to hear more opinions.
Comment by singleparentingdad
| April 30th, 2008
What an attention grabbing headline! lol
As a single custodial father of a 3 yr old boy, I am still looking for ways to balance quality time with him and work!
You’re a better man than I!lol
Congrats!
Comment by lance
| April 30th, 2008
Dude, I think you and me would get along great. My goal is to date 5 women at once be mid-year. See this post:
http://honeyandlance.com/harem-is-a-good-thing
Comment by debra
| April 30th, 2008
Just read Lance’s harem post….while the thought of being one of the 5 girls anyone is sleeping with makes my skin crawl, you’ve both got a very good point. I think Lance called it ‘building the line up…the team approach’. I hadn’t thought of it that way. I don’t have to find a funny, intelligent, running single Dad with a boat, I can find 1) a funny runner, 2)an intelligent single Dad and 3)someone with a boat! As long as the runner is also the one who is good in bed, so I get my sleep over, Sunday morning run and an omelette!
Comment by dadshouse
| April 30th, 2008
Debra – I’m not a fan of the polyamorous harem, either, it’s just not my style. But having great friends of the opposite sex to do fun things with is perfect. If that’s called light, non-exclusive dating, or just a really good friend, so be it. I know I sometimes spend too much time/energy looking for “the one” who encompasses all qualities, and end up frustrated when she doesn’t exist in my life right now.
Thanks again for sending me email and seeding the idea for this post! I love getting reader input as to what you’d like me to write about. Keep ‘em coming.
Comment by pajama momma
| April 30th, 2008
To recap, here are the keys to dating four women at once
*sigh
So maybe I should just switch teams?
Comment by dadshouse
| April 30th, 2008
My bad, PJ Momma – please replace that phrase when you read it to say “Here are the keys to dating four men at once.” The wording is just me being a man who dates women. (I tried saying “people” early on in the post, but PC writing isn’t my thing. Sorry)
There’s no gender thing here. Women can date non-exclusively just like men.
Comment by pajama momma
| April 30th, 2008
Gosh, you act like it’s all your blog or something. ;)
(PC’s no fun)
Comment by uncabledheart
| April 30th, 2008
I’m not a single parent, but I’m single, so I can relate to this post anyway. Sounds like what I’ve been experiencing lately and it’s been fun (though sometimes frustrating a bit). I quite like not getting serious. I never really “got it” until now :) Thanks for the post. Validation! :)
Comment by dadshouse
| April 30th, 2008
Uncabled – your response validates me. Validation all around!
PJ Momma – I just realized when you asked about switching teams, you were likely wondering whether to finally quit your Chargers and become a Raiders fan. No?
Just win, baby!
Comment by pajama momma
| May 1st, 2008
Yeah, erm, that’s exactly what I meant when I left that comment. You knew.
I will admit I’m still trying to recover from the loss of Junior Seau.
Probably a few more years of psychotherapy and massive amounts of pill popping will help me recover, possibly, maybe.
Comment by Honey
| May 8th, 2008
Just to clarify Lance’s point, you don’t necessarily have to be sleeping with them all. And if you are, everyone should know you’re not exclusive. And protection should be used. To me, there’s no real difference between that and sleeping with several people in a row without taking 3 months in between each to get retested for STDs.
Comment by Single_M0M
| May 9th, 2008
This sounds familiar! I recently read – and reviewed – The Four Man Plan by Cindy Lu.
Good luck with the dating scene.
Single_M0M
Comment by dadshouse
| May 9th, 2008
I hadn’t heard of that book – wish I had before! From my own dating experience, it really does take the pressure and angst off if you date non-exclusively. It’s always good in life to have no expectations, but be open to possibilities. I think when people date one person, they have a TON of expectations. Dating multiple people at once keeps things light and fun.
Thanks for sharing about Cindy Lu’s book. I hope you’ll be back to comment some more.