Dad’s House

Dear David

I met a guy this past weekend for drinks at a wine bar and we had a great time. There were definitely sparks, and I’d like to see him again. How do I let him know I’m interested? I already sent an email thanking him for the evening. Should I call him? btw – he’s a single dad. I never thought I’d date a man with children. A little nervous about the kid thing, but willing to see what it’s like.

Smitten in Smallville

Dear Smitten,

thanks for writing. And congratulations on giving a single dad a chance! Sounds like I don’t need to force my 10 Great Reasons to Date a Single Dad propaganda on you. (The single women who still see a single father’s children as baggage might have a look. Of course, some women want a single dad strictly for hookups and booty calls, exactly because they don’t want to get more involved. Others may want a quick roll in the hay. That’s okay, but let him know. He might want more than that.)

Now then, How do you let him know you’re interested? Should you call him? The answer might surprise you.

Do absolutely nothing.

That’s right. Don’t call him, don’t send him a sexy dirty flirty text message him, don’t email him beyond the thank you you already sent. Just sit back and let him do the work.

It’s the man’s job to show interest and pursue the woman.

This applies to single men, not just single dads. Men are hunters. They need to decide what they want, then go get it. It’s a Mars thing. Even if you’re a strong-willed, confident woman, you need to play this game. If a woman pursues a man too aggressively, she can come across as desperate. It also can leave him feeling emasculated. Men want a woman who is prized by other men.

Don’t get me wrong – you can flirt like crazy, get his attention in indirect ways, make him come begging for a chance to spend time with you. But he has to do the asking.

You might find the early stages are different for dating a single dad vs. dating a man without kids. Single dads can move more slowly when it comes to love. Part of this might be a hesitation to get romantically involved, exposing himself to the potential of getting hurt. But it might just be his schedule.

• If he has 50/50 custody, he won’t be free every weekend. Expect him to call you within a week of your first date, but don’t feel slighted if it takes 2 weeks or more for a Friday night dinner to materialize. Your job: be patient with his schedule.

• If he has weekend custody, he’ll want to date on weeknights. It doesn’t mean he thinks less of you if he can only meet after work. He will likely want to wait before introducing you to his kids, to keep them off a dating rollercoaster. And he may not want to get a babysitter in the early stages of dating you. It’s nothing against you - he only gets to see his kids part time, and he wants to spend time with them. That he’s a family man is a good thing. Your job: make yourself available on weeknights.

• His free nights might not be date nights. Going out is more fun later in the week, but if he’s only free Monday and Tuesday nights, can you make an exception? There may not be clubbing, but there’s still plenty to do. Plus, restaurants and bars are a little quieter, giving you more one-on-one time to get to know him. Your job: got out with him on laundry night, and wash your clothes some other time.

The best thing for you to do in the early stages is keep yourself busy and feeling good about yourself. Take classes, do things with friends, date non-exclusively if you like. It’s okay to be busy, or to give him the illusion that you have other options. But understand his schedule may not be as flexible as yours. When he calls, try to see him (even if it breaks The Rules), and don’t read too much into his suggested activity or night of the week. As for what dating a single dad will be like once you meet his kids, I’ll address that in a future post.

It might feel unsettling if he doesn’t immediately make you the center of his life. That doesn’t mean you won’t be at some point. Just remember – for now, a single dad’s kids come first. The more you understand that, the more you’ll win his heart.

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