How to Start Dating a Single Dad
Dear David
I met a guy this past weekend for drinks at a wine bar and we had a great time. There were definitely sparks, and I’d like to see him again. How do I let him know I’m interested? I already sent an email thanking him for the evening. Should I call him? btw – he’s a single dad. I never thought I’d date a man with children. A little nervous about the kid thing, but willing to see what it’s like.
Smitten in Smallville
Dear Smitten,
thanks for writing. And congratulations on giving a single dad a chance! Sounds like I don’t need to force my 10 Great Reasons to Date a Single Dad propaganda on you. (The single women who still see a single father’s children as baggage might have a look. Of course, some women want a single dad strictly for hookups and booty calls, exactly because they don’t want to get more involved. Others may want a quick roll in the hay. That’s okay, but let him know. He might want more than that.)
Now then, How do you let him know you’re interested? Should you call him? The answer might surprise you.
Do absolutely nothing.
That’s right. Don’t call him, don’t send him sexy dirty flirty text messages, don’t email him beyond the thank you you already sent. Just sit back and let him do the work.
It’s the man’s job to show interest and pursue the woman.
This applies to single men, not just single dads. Men are hunters. They need to decide what they want, then go get it. It’s a Mars thing. Even if you’re a strong-willed, confident woman, you need to play this game. If a woman pursues a man too aggressively, she can come across as desperate. It also can leave him feeling emasculated. Men want a woman who is prized by other men.
Don’t get me wrong – you can flirt like crazy, get his attention in indirect ways, make him come begging for a chance to spend time with you. But he has to do the asking.
You might find the early stages are different for dating a single dad vs. dating a man without kids. Single dads can move more slowly when it comes to love. Part of this might be a hesitation to get romantically involved, exposing himself to the potential of getting hurt. But it might just be his schedule.
• If he has 50/50 custody, he won’t be free every weekend. Expect him to call you within a week of your first date, but don’t feel slighted if it takes 2 weeks or more for a Friday night dinner to materialize. Your job: be patient with his schedule.
• If he has weekend custody, he’ll want to date on weeknights. It doesn’t mean he thinks less of you if he can only meet after work. He will likely want to wait before introducing you to his kids, to keep them off a dating rollercoaster. And he may not want to get a babysitter in the early stages of dating you. It’s nothing against you – he only gets to see his kids part time, and he wants to spend time with them. That he’s a family man is a good thing. Your job: make yourself available on weeknights.
• His free nights might not be date nights. Going out is more fun later in the week, but if he’s only free Monday and Tuesday nights, can you make an exception? There may not be clubbing, but there’s still plenty to do. Plus, restaurants and bars are a little quieter, giving you more one-on-one time to get to know him. Your job: got out with him on laundry night, and wash your clothes some other time.
The best thing for you to do in the early stages is keep yourself busy and feeling good about yourself. Take classes, do things with friends, date non-exclusively if you like. It’s okay to be busy, or to give him the illusion that you have other options. But understand his schedule may not be as flexible as yours. When he calls, try to see him (even if it breaks The Rules), and don’t read too much into his suggested activity or night of the week. As for what dating a single dad will be like once you meet his kids, I’ll address that in a future post.
It might feel unsettling if he doesn’t immediately make you the center of his life. That doesn’t mean you won’t be at some point. Just remember – for now, a single dad’s kids come first. The more you understand that, the more you’ll win his heart.
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- Ten Great Reasons to Date a Single Dad
- Failed Marriage or Success?
- Kid-Friendly Companionship With Benefits
- Believe in Me
- Hot Dad – Sexy or Old?
- Single Mom Dating a Single Dad – A Month Between Dates?
- Single Parent Movie Date
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Comment by Honey
| May 7th, 2008
I think a lot of this advice can go for other busy professionals, too. I’ve dated doctors and lawyers early in their careers who also had hectic schedules. The point that you can make yourself available at what may seem like unusual times is a good one, as long as you continue to live the rest of your life when you’re not with the guy. Great post!
Comment by debra
| May 7th, 2008
Must…..NOT…..call…..hot…..single….Dad!!!
My new mantra! :)
Comment by dadshouse
| May 7th, 2008
Honey – you are so right! I dated a surgeon a few years back, and her schedule was more difficult to coordinate than mine. And because of that, she was happier steering things towards FWB than LTR. She just couldn’t fit a relationship in her busy life.
Debra – yes, don’t call. For a while. At some point, it’s totally fine to call. In fact, you’ll need to call to give him stronger signs. When is that? After the 2nd date? 3rd? Anyone want to weigh in?
As a man I can say that if I really like a woman, I don’t care if she calls me or not – I will pursue her. Up to a point, of course. Usually after 3rd date sex I know for sure how I feel. (That’s sort of a cop out, but it is a litmus test)
Comment by whatmenthink
| May 7th, 2008
“sually after 3rd date sex I know for sure how I feel.”
BRAVO! I love the candor. This isn’t limited to single dads.
Comment by QTMama
| May 8th, 2008
Wow dadshouse, you have the same philosphy as the author of the “He’s Just Not That Into You” book. Gotta love it. :)
Comment by Lance
| May 8th, 2008
Who actually calls people?
I don’t have kids, but I do know a thing or two about flirting. Which is what you should be doing…send him flirty texts/emails and just use standard girly techniques for letting the guy know you’re interested. This is where I disagree with DH’s advice, BTW…
If there were sparks, I’m sure he’ll respond. You can check in with him via text on like a Thursday with a simple, “Hey, how was your day?”
Also, those Monday and Tuesday nights when he’s available? Perfect for movies and making out on the couch.
Comment by mssinglemama
| May 8th, 2008
Gotta agree with Lance … sometimes men need an extra nudge – but nothing over the top. And especially, if he’s a single dad, you might want to let him know that you’re open to dating him (via flirtatious texts or what not).
Take me for example … I’m a single mom. A guy might be interested in my, but I brush him off – assuming – well, he can’t handle the single mom thing so why bother. It would be up to him to kind of shake me and say – “I really like you – I can handle it.”
Over all – very awesome advice David! You are the king single daddy dater that’s for sure.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 8th, 2008
If I’m the King Single Daddy Dater, where the heck is my court?! lol
Ms Single Mama is right on about the guy needing to pursue her like crazy, even if she brushes him off. That’s exactly my point. If a guy likes you, he’ll chase you. Nothing will stop him.
Lance’s suggestion to flirt like crazy through texting and email is a good one. Just don’t do the asking out in the initial stages. And don’t call. Let the guy do that. Over time it’s perfectly fine for you to call him, but before that, drive him nuts a little. Make him WANT you. Flirting is a big part of that.
Comment by debra
| May 8th, 2008
So….men….what are the best flirty texts/emails you’ve gotten after the first couple dates? Women, what are your tried and true techniques? I’m sure it depends on the situation, and the level to which the sparks have already flown….but it’s still important to keep it subtle, right?
DH, don’t mean to high-jack your post, but what else is a clueless single mom, new to dating to do?! :) You guys are the experts!
Nice to hear I only have to wait for one more date for the 3rd date sex! ;)
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| May 8th, 2008
I agree with Ms. Single Mama that men sometimes need an “extra nudge.” I can’t tell you how many times I thought I was giving a little, subtle nudge… only to hear later from him, “You were interested in me? Really? Sorry, I can be kind of dense.”
It turns out that he was thinking, “Oh, she’s a single mom and she probably has a boyfriend anyway–”
Dad’s House, since I’ve met you in person, I can say that you seem to be much more emotionally “in tune” with women than your average Joe.
Hopefully, this single dad [example above] will get the clue that she’s interested, via the sweet email.
Comment by DeeDee
| May 8th, 2008
What great advice. I think you are the first single daddy blogger I’ve come across. It’s nice hearing things from your perspective.
In case you didn’t know, I found your blog through DadGoneMad. I’ve posted a complete list of everyone who left their blog link on his Big Big Stars post in a post of my own called Blog Rolling With My Homies over on my blog, so if you want to see it come on over and sit a spell. I don’t bite..…that hard anyway!
If you did know just overlook this since my brain feels like mush from trying to comment on all 217 on the list!!
Comment by whatmenthink
| May 8th, 2008
“It’s the man’s job to show interest and pursue the woman.”
I really love this part. However, are men of the 21st century up to the task? I meet so many weak men out there! I want to scream, “Grow a pair! The worst that can happen is that she’ll say, ‘No’”
Comment by Kat Wilder
| May 8th, 2008
Actually, the best way to date a single dad is to be a single mom because you “get” it.
I’m just saying …
Comment by dadshouse
| May 9th, 2008
Debra – for flirty/sexy emails, I like ‘em short and sweet. They are simply seeds to spurn conversation and action.
how r u?
howz yer day?
and as things progress
hey sexy
r u still up?
want booty?
and my all-time favorite (edited to be PG-13):
lets f***!
(can I say that on the internet?)
[Editors Note: just to be clear, the f*** text message was sent by a woman to me. She and I were in a FWB relationship. I don't think text messages like this are a good idea from a man to a woman, or from anyone early on in the relationship. Part of my putting this here was to be funny!]
Comment by Lance
| May 9th, 2008
@Debra: Ooh, I love this game. The most basic interest text is “Hey, how was your day?” But it’s not very interesting and forces one person or the other to come up with something interesting to continue the dialogue. She, for a chick sending to a guy, it works fine.
I prefer funny/mysterious texts that are statements. Example: “Wow, the most exciting thing just happened to me!” This will compel her to text back and ask a question. From there you can say whatever, or if something exciting really happened, you can say that. OR, you can text response, “Give me a call tonight after 8:00 and I’ll tell you ;)” Emotional spike. Now she’s got a little something to look forward to.
Here’s another one:
“Hey cutie, I just saw X and it totally reminded me of you.”
…where X is something interesting, exciting, curious, weird, sexy, whatever. The more mysterious the better.
This pretty much works for gals too. This girl I’m seeing, Kitty, texted me yesterday about a crazy incident at work…someone DIED (she works at a hospital). Obviously not a good thing, but I sure as hell was compelled to call her that night. I called, and we had an actual PHONE CONVERSATION for 1.5 hours about a bunch of cool stuff. Pretty nice, huh?
Comment by mssinglemama
| May 9th, 2008
Oh … DH – if someone sent “wanna f**k” to me I’d never talk to them again or “want booty?”
Once, an ex texted me, “wanna wrestle?” Ha. Okay, that one was kind of cute and made me laugh but he got a big deny. First of all – over a text? How dry is that? Made me feel like such a slut.
Such a turn off. Might have been cool prior to my single mom status but now … I would like to see – “Want a massage?” “Want some chinese take out?”
Comment by dadshouse
| May 9th, 2008
MsSingleMama – I agree the F-bomb text is vulgar. But when it arrives at midnight from a woman you are intimate with but didn’t spend the evening with, it can be effective in a slutty way. (btw – I only got that one once, and in the context of that particular relationship, it was perfect.) I would never recommend a guy texting a woman like that!
The way to a woman’s heart is not by directly asking her for sex. It’s through massages and chinese food. Here here!
Pingback by Via Text: Wanna Go Out? « Ms. Single Mama | May 9th, 2008
[...] Thanks to Dad’s House (who has yet to text me) for inspiring this post, with this post. [...]
Comment by Cara
| May 9th, 2008
EXCELLENT POST!
I particularly agree with the bit about men being the one to do all the chasing. The sooner women learn and RESPECT that, the sooner they’ll start experiencing great & satisfying relationship dynamics.
x
Cara
Comment by Heather Mac
| May 13th, 2008
Here you are again, associating massage and sex. Watch out buddy! The AMTA will be after you soon! Chinese food and sex, OK. Massage and sex, not OK.
:)
Pingback by Ms. Two Pump Non-Fat Hazelnut Latte « JUST A MAN’S JOURNEY | May 15th, 2008
[...] to make that initial contact and determine if there is a reciprocal interest. According to Dad’s House it is our role as man to pursue (well at least for us old fashioned types). Guess what? She broke [...]