Blended Families – Stirred, Not Shaken
When SingleMomSeeking began remodeling her site, it struck me how blogging is kind of like single parenting. Your site is your own, you make your own choices about the what/when/how/where/why, you live with the outcome, good or bad, and you’re happy and grateful for the chance to go it alone.
Imagine two bloggers merging their existing sites, trying to blend content while keeping their individual voices, all while not stepping on each other’s toes. (Honey and Lance don’t count, they started from scratch.)
It’s like two single parents trying to date each other.
Single parents have strong opinions on whether to date in the breed or not. Kat Wilder is a single mom who thinks it’s great to date single dads. She likes how they already “get” parenting. Chatanika, on the other hand, doesn’t date single dads. She’s seen separately evolved parenting styles clash, and worries about favortism for one set of children over another.
Enter Jorge Fitz-Gibbon and his blended family. Jorge, a single dad with half-time custody of a 10-year-old, and his girlfriend, a single mom with a 4-year-old, moved in together last September. So far, the blended approach is working, though he admits it’s an altogether different experience.
In an email, Jorge wrote that single parents going it solo develop rituals and routines with their kids. “You learn to focus on your own child and develop a unique bond.” When you add a partner and another child, “the routine becomes disrupted and changes. It requires both partners to make an adjustment for themselves and their child.”
He said the trickiest part is maintaining a partnership with your own child. It takes conscious effort for him and his girlfriend to “build in some time with each of our children, while focusing most of our time to interacting as a family.”
Jorge feels the alternative approach, where each parent spends significant time with their own child while limiting family activities, is a mistake. “For me, the time management has to lean toward the family unit, although time with your own child remains important and even vital.”
Before creating his blended family Jorge dated quite a few single women who didn’t have kids. He often felt they didn’t “get” the priorities and lifestyle of a parent. At some point he focused on surrounding himself with single parents, both as friends and partners
He says a blended family is a delicate balancing act. But dating for any single parent involves unavoidable emotional risks, both for yourself and your child. He’s definitely happy he went the blended family route.
“I believe my son is better off now because we both took those risks, and found a woman — and another child — who fits us. Could we have gotten here with a non-parent as well? Possibly. But why limit the field?”
Follow Jorge Fitz-Gibbon and his views on single parenting and blended families at Parents Place at LoHud.com.
(Editor’s Note: My clever lead-in for today’s post was supposed to be about my date starting from sexy dirty text messages with a Hottie Single Mom this past weekend and my fast-forward fantasies for a blended family of my own. But when her sudden (cue the air quotes) root canal (roll the eyes) prompted her to cancel on me, I had to improvise a new lead-in. Hope it worked.)
Coda: Chatanika admits her grandparents were single parents who created a blended family. “They are the most amazing, in love, phenomenal people I know,” she said. So why not go the same route? “Maybe I’m just afraid I’ll never rock it like that!”
- Facebook Single Parents Connection Group
- Jon and Kate Gosselin are Separating
- David Brooks on Divorce and Men’s Emotional Communication
- A Great Child Custody Schedule for Divorced Parents
- Is Divorce Coparenting Easy?
- Can Dating Single Parents Be Vulnerable?
- Do Divorced Dads Need to Have More Kids to Find Love?
- Great Books for Relationship and Divorce Advice
| 
Subscribe | © 2008-09 David Mott, DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.
Comment by debra
| May 13th, 2008
The ‘fast-forward fantasies’ I think are almost subconsious for me. When you meet someone you go through your ‘list’, values, education, goals, and how would this person and I contribute to each others’ lives (assuming it gets past the first few dates!) If your most important priority is a child (or children), it would be impossible not to consider the feasibility of a blend before getting too involved. I know that I react differently to a man with children significantly older than my son than I do to someone with a child, or children similar in age. Should this person become part of a new family, how great would it be to have a built in sibling for my only child?! For me, still just ‘fast forward fantasies’ that I’m keeping a lid on (except here, apparently!), but something to think about.
Comment by mssinglemama
| May 13th, 2008
I really, really enjoyed this post.
Thanks for writing all of this so eloquently. Took the words out of my mouth.
As Benjamin gets older I have a harder time envisioning anyone really fitting … it’s hard to even picture. But, one day – it will happen. Until then I’m just locking down my solo parent mindset.
I would LOVE dating a single dad. Like Jorge says – childless people just don’t really get it. But so far, I’ve had quite a few boyfriends who really try … and that is inspiring.
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| May 13th, 2008
You go Jorge! I didn’t know that you and your lovely girlfriend were shacking up. That’s so great!
Isn’t everyone on you: “Why didn’t you propose to her first?” (They kept asking me why my boyfriend and I weren’t getting married first before moving in… maybe because I’m a woman? I don’t know).
I can’t say that I’m partial to dads vs. single men. It depends on the individual. The few single dads I’ve dated were NOT divorced yet (”separated”). Not again!!
Great post. For me, it’s all about how the man behaves, what he says, how he acts… And I have the kind of kid who loves being an only child.
Comment by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon
| May 14th, 2008
Thanks, single mom. :) I think her mom is kind of old-fashioned and prefers a “cleaner” relationship, as in marriage and that her divorce were final. I also agree that it’s about the person, not necessarily their parental circumstance (or lack thereof). Still, my decision to surround myself with single-parents coincided with my son getting older and understanding my dating situation better. To that end, I found myself more comfortable with other single parents who understood the time demands and the dual-responsibility of simultaneously parenting and dating. That led to both friendships and relationships of varying lengths and level of commitment, and which I generally found to be more mature, mutually satisfying and rewarding. As I always said, we may all have baggage, but as single parents we also have carry-on bags.
Enter the blended family. As dadshouse pointed out, it’s a work in progress for me. But I find that it’s significantly easier to make the transition when both partners come from a place of equal standing, both individually and, most importantly, as parents with dual interests and responsibilities. Merging those into one is the trick!
And thanks to dadshouse for tackling this issue.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 14th, 2008
Jorge, thank you for your input – you’re the blended family expert! I’m glad to be learning a different perspective through talking with you and reading your blog posts and comments.
Comment by Honey
| May 15th, 2008
Thanks for the plug, DM! And even if you’re starting from scratch, negotiation is necessary :-)
Comment by OneManThreeKids
| May 15th, 2008
First off…I really enjoy your blog. It has inspired me to start my own. Your content is quite enjoyable.
Back on point now… I have found that these decisions are not made without seeing this potential SO over a few seasons of the year. I have dated both SW/NK and SW/WK both have pros and cons; however the SW/WK blends better into my world as she tends to understand priorities and the “kids first, us when we can schedule it” mentality…not to mention she is a mom and completes the circle well. SW/NK tend to want more than what I can give or desire to blend quicker then I am ready…they don’t understand the attachment kids make overnight. The biggest key…Emotional health!!
A great blend can only be achieved when you find that SO who loves your kids as much as they love you. Then you can work out the parenting differences via open healthy communication and some planning.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 16th, 2008
Hey there OneManThreeKids – welcome! Yes, single parents get the “kids come first” mentality. I look forward to hearing more from you, and checking out your blog. Thanks for dropping in.
Comment by Jane Massengill
| July 28th, 2008
This post is great. I wish all the best to Jorge. In case he has questions about blended families, I invite him to a Live 60-minute call-in Teleseminar on Thursday, July 31st, 6PM Pacific / 9PM Eastern. Please visit Blended-Families.com to be able to participate in the call for free.