Since When Are Dads Not Important?
Two weeks ago I checked the online homework message board for my son’s sixth grade class and saw a curious thing – plans for a field trip the next day to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. This was news to me.
Granted, my son lives in two homes and sometimes Friday Folder messages end up at the other house and get lost in a mass of paperwork. (Sort of like the Nordstrom bags stuffed full of unopened mail in Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections. Too much information to sift through can be overwhelming.)
But a field trip the next day that I knew nothing about was a problem. My son was with me that night and I was responsible for getting him onto the field trip bus at the right time, with the proper mix of sweatshirts, snacks, notebooks, spending money, lunch.
I emailed the teacher for information.
Didn’t you read my emails? she wrote back. I’ve sent several these past few weeks.
I hadn’t seen a thing. She poked around her account and suddenly realized I wasn’t on her email list. Worse, I hadn’t been on it all year!
Apparently, she’d been sending weekly updates to “all” the class parents keeping them abreast of study topics, test dates, homework projects, etc. My ex-wife got all the emails, but since the email list wasn’t public, she had no idea that I wasn’t receiving them. (She might have checked with me early on in the year to make sure I was receiving emails, since we’re trying to be good coparents, but why would she think it’s a problem?)
The teacher apologized saying it was a mistake on her part. She knew we lived in two houses, that my ex and I were divorced single parents, but she didn’t think to add two emails to her list. After all, communication with pretty much every other family went to the mom. (The local doctor’s office does the same thing. Wouldn’t both parents be concerned about their children’s health? Then again, Dad Gone Mad and his readers would probably be thrilled to not have to deal.)
Sigh.
For the record, my son comes to my house most weekdays after school to do his homework, regardless of whether he’ll be at my house or his mom’s that night. I work from home, so this is a good deal for all parties. His mom can focus on her job and know our son is safe. My son gets homework help from me when he needs it. And I get to see my kid a lot.
To find out now that the school has kept me out of the loop all year is frustrating. It’s also not surprising. It’s been a constant battle for the ten years we’ve been part of this school district. Test scores and important notices are usually sent to only one house, usually the mom’s. I’ve talked to teachers, principals, and district administrators including the assistant superintendent to get the problem fixed. I even offered to give one teacher a pile of stamped envelopes addressed to me so she could send me any notes she sent home. (She said that would be more work for her, and refused to do it.)
We aren’t the first two-home family the school has ever dealt with, but apparently I’m the first dad to complain. It sucks to try to be deeply involved with your kids, only to be discriminated against for being a man.
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- Hey Ann Coulter – It’s Evolution, Baby!
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Comment by The Exception
| May 28th, 2008
Dads are very important!
This breaks my heart in a way. I am a daddy’s girl through and through. The hardest part of being a sole custody single parent has been the idea that my daughter is not and will never know such a relationship with her dad that I enjoyed. Granted, many dads are okay with not being as involved with their kids as my dad was or as you appear to be, but that doesn’t make it right or fair for society and its institutions not to support your efforts.
How difficult is it to add another name to a distribution list? How hard is it to print two notes and sign a name twice? Honestly, why aren’t we doing whatever we can to keep people involved who really want to be involved? I applaud your dedication to your kids, your continued efforts to get the different institutions to work with you, and all that you are doing to be an active parent.
Comment by Backpacking Dad
| May 28th, 2008
That’s outrageous, and if I were more of a dadvocate I’d be all up in the school board’s face about it. That teacher refusing the envelopes? Wow. Happy Father’s Day.
But why the snark toward DGM? That line comes off a little…small….
Comment by mapiprincesa
| May 28th, 2008
Stereotyping is unfair and incorrect, and shame on the school for having treated you in that way. Why schools are so afraid to pussy-foot around key communication issues on multitudes of levels does not cease to amaze me, when the idea is (as an educator I feel I have right to say this) that we are all in this for the kids’ sake. Thus it most benefits the children when all interested parties are involved in communications. Upon registering a child for school, the inclusion of another email address on a form ought to be indicative of a blatant “Yes, I want to be included on that list, too” and not just “I am the back-up.”
…unless there were some unfair reason why your ex-wife would have wanted to keep you in the dark, but it does not appear to me, reading a few of your entries, that your relationship includes spite, especially when involving your children.
I am livid for you. Stories like that fry my burgers.
Be well, Daddy-o. I sincerely hope this resolves and can benefit other multi-home families in the process.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 28th, 2008
The Dad Gone mad reference was intentional – I think part of society’s malaise towards the issue of uninvolved dads is because there are people who celebrate dads not dealing with the kids. Dad Gone Mad making cracks that he “dreads” alone time with his kids, or sees going to a “stupid event” at a school as a waste of time only makes life tougher for involved dads like me. He’s like Rush Limbaugh to the Democrats in that respect. It’s not just teachers and a school board I have to convince that dads matter. It’s society.
So, I don’t see my snarking DGM as small, at all. I’m referencing a bigger issue.
Comment by Andy
| May 28th, 2008
This really sucks. The big question is how many other Dad’s are not on this list and more importantly:
1) What if they are not on the net?
2) Sending an e-mail does not mean anybody has read & received it.
Comment by The Exception
| May 28th, 2008
It is a societal issue – one that might be changing but very slowly. Men (and women) need to take a stand and ensure that it does change!
Comment by debra
| May 28th, 2008
I didn’t realize how fortunate I had been this year. My son’s kindergarten teacher went above and beyond all year, copying both parents on all communications, inbound and outbound. Final grades and year end summaries just came home; two copies of everything (all I have to do now is get my copy from my ex’s house)! I was stunned. I’m sure this is due in large part to the fact that the teacher is a single parent with an extremely involved ex, so she was super sensitive to both parents. But I have since learned that not all teachers at this school will do this unless both parents specifically request it. Sorry for your struggles, a parent as involved as you are should not have to discover he has been left out of the loop.
Comment by littlemansmom
| May 28th, 2008
I am truly and sincerely sorry to hear how you’ve been, shall we say, ‘overlooked’ by the school. As someone who’s X doesn’t even know where his son’s school is because he’s never cared to ask or shown any interest in knowing, I find it very disheartening to read that a dad who DOES want to know has been kept out of the loop. I’d lay down the law with them and press just how much you are dismayed by the whole thing.
You ARE important…..and I wish I knew more single dads who want to be as involved as you!
Comment by Smiling Mom
| May 28th, 2008
As a teacher, this post was a good reminder to be more aware and careful. Thank you.
Comment by SINGLE_M0M
| May 28th, 2008
This is definitely a topic that gets under my skin as well.
My son is only 4 and – apparently – his father and I are the only parents in the entire school (over 150 families) that are divorced.
Well, you can imagine how traumatic the school project was for all of us when his teacher assigned him to bring in family photos which were to be glued onto a piece of construction paper shaped like a house. My son cried on several occasions after this because his teacher made several comments in front of him – and the other children – about the fact that he has two homes and making a much bigger deal about it than it had to be.
Why it is so difficult for teachers and schools to understand the special needs of children being raised in two homes? Why do they not comprehend the importance of communicating with parents on a face-to-face or more personal level? Email just doesn’t cut it.
I take great pride in the fact that when I formed my company and came up with its name (Happy Healthy Hip Parenting) I wasn’t thinking about gender when thinking about the parents that I hope to work with.
I’m tired of seeing all of the “mom sites” out there that exclude men. One even uses the words “No Men Allowed” in their advertisements which is why I’ve made a point to not visit that one in particular.
I am no longer married to the father of my child but his role in my son’s life is important. I want to do whatever I can to support and encourage him to continue to be as involved as he has been up until this point. I wish society could do the same.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 28th, 2008
Debra – out of 13 teachers my son and daughter have had at the elementary school, I’d say 3 of them effectively communicated with both parents. The others didn’t bother. As for test scores, the district says it’s a school problem, the school says it’s a district problem. Though the fact their mom and I both pay property tax which helps fund the schools doesn’t seem to be a problem, at all.
Single Mom – isn’t it sad how insensitive some can be to two-home situations? I know there are people who don’t believe in divorce, but divorce is so prevalent, you’d think there’d be some notion of how to interact with single parents who have joint custody.
Smiling Mom, Little Mans Mom, Andy, Exception – thanks for the support.
Comment by Victoria
| May 28th, 2008
Thats pretty odd. At my daughter’s school, the emails are public from the teacher and they go to moms and dads… any email address(es) provided at the beginning of the year.
Comment by Susan
| May 28th, 2008
I’ve run into this on occasion, but overall my kids’ teachers have been pretty good at including both of us. Usually. But, of course, this is after I make a point of getting both of our emails on the list and stating that our child has 2 parents in 2 households. (Nothing like getting that look of pity from the teacher — or other parents — after telling the teacher at the fall open house. Grrr.)
I’d also add that your ex could have sent you a note with the first email she received to see if you were also on the list. I’m not saying it was her responsibility, but it would have been nice — and if not to be nice, but to make everyone’s life easier, since you’re already co-parenting/sharing custody.
Comment by Oakland Mamma
| May 28th, 2008
This post struck a real cord with me. Yes, you are important! You are an equal partner and should have been included. That said, it needs to be each parent’s responsibility to communicate with schools about their role. My ex doesn’t receive snailmail invitations for school events because he hasn’t updated his address with the school. I used to send him an email everytime something came to my house, but I finally realized that this was HIS responsibility. I also suspect that he only barely skims the weekly newsletters and emails sent home. Absolutely schools need to make systems that include alternate parenting situations, but we, as parents, need to do our part to find out how the school communicates, and get involved!
Sigh. Sorry for the rant.
Comment by dadshouse
| May 28th, 2008
Susan – yep, that would be nice. I usually do that courtesy for her. Not sure why after 8 years of divorce she doesn’t return the favor.
Oakland Mamma – rants are perfectly fine! In my case, I did tell the teacher about the 2 homes and my separate email address. I even emailed her throughout the year on various occasions. But for some reason when she set up her group email alias, she left me off, and never thought to make sure everyone was included. Maddening that no one receiving emails told me.
We’re onto middle school and high school next year where they have eLists – you sign yourself up! I can’t wait.
Comment by Rebs
| May 28th, 2008
I hear you but I want to point out that there are some gender stereotypes happening that are going to take YEARS to overcome. It’s not all about having 2 homes; it’s about trying to correct years of fathers being un-involved in their kids’ lives.
You are doing a great job at keeping on top of your kids’ teachers and schools and letting them know what you expect from them. Keep at it and maybe – just maybe – by the time you are a grandfather you will be able to see the difference.
Comment by creative-type dad
| May 28th, 2008
I still can’t believe teachers email parents these days.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| May 28th, 2008
It is frustrating from the mom’s end, too because I feel a certain responsibility to keep The Kid’s dad in the loop — sending him e-mail reminders of school events, dentist appointments, etc. — but he often doesn’t bother to do the same to me.
But, no one ever said divorce was easy …
So when I call or text my son on the says he’s with his dad, I alway ask him what’s going on this week. Luckily, some of his teachers post everything — trips, homework assignments, etc. — on the school Web site, so it’s up to the parents (or whoever’s interested) to check out what’s going on. Crap, that means we have to be responsible — I hate that!
Comment by chatanika
| May 29th, 2008
And to think I laughed when I saw that I had inadvertently received both copies of Boy 2’s report card last week. The school must have printed two copies of my address, instead of one of each address.
*Shamefully leaving the computer to put said report card into an envelope and mail to the dad*
However, I did forward the first email from Boy 2’s teacher to his father last fall (just to make sure he was in the loop). Just to receive in return a really snitty email in return which, in essence, said “I’m an uber-Dad now, and I probably got this email before you did. Die, evil ex-wife, die.”
Obviously, I don’t bother anymore.
Comment by 4wrdthnkndad
| May 29th, 2008
I hate it when uptight, arrogant school personnel assume the mistake must be yours. Her immediate response reminded of a similar situation with my sons school. Why is it so hard to simply slow down, consider that you might have made a mistake. I think situations like this are too common because dads are simply seen as second class citizens in their children’s lives. Too many dads are lumped into the category of the always working, unavailable dad or the guy who is wrong for not responding to his child like a woman. It seems so hard for some people to accept dad’s can have a different relationship to their kids from their mothers-and both can be positive for the child.
Comment by scorpi2000
| May 29th, 2008
Im a single dad, I’ve raised my son since he was three.
Because I live in the city,a black nieborhood, their is also a lack of fathers present to support their kids.I sacrificed jobs and money to personally walk my son thru the formative years. I realy felt all alone,nothing but mothers and their children. Many without fathers present in thier lives.I sacrificed also dating because I felt it would distract me from my double duties. His mother was not availible. Many mothers overwelmed me with thier request for me to be thier and be a good influence for their sons too. Where were their fathers ? Some working, some not there. I had to turn the mothers down because, they were not willing to make the same sacrifises. They were not aware of the some of the moral issues I was instilling in my son that was abscent in thier lives. Not only did I not have time or extra to sacrifice ,but trYing to combine the up bringing of my child with theirs would have been too much for me to handle and still REACH the goals I had set for my son.
I Taught him computers before kindergarten,help him all along the way as he maintained an A average. He graduated from grammer school Valadictorian 3.9 average. I was so proud of him and glad I made the sacrifice.
Hes a junior in high school now, and so far wer’e beating the odds…….Now colledge ,,,,How am I going to pull that off.
A Fathers Involment makes a Biiiiig difference.
Thanks
SCORPI2000
Comment by massageforfamilies
| May 29th, 2008
“I hear you but I want to point out that there are some gender stereotypes happening that are going to take YEARS to overcome. It’s not all about having 2 homes; it’s about trying to correct years of fathers being un-involved in their kids’ lives.”
I think a lot of my impetus for including fathers in my work is the fact that I was raised in a single-mother household; and I’m trying to support my DH in growing past his parents’ examples. In my certification process for teaching infant massage I had to review two research studies and I found myself continually drawn to subjects involving attachment and fathers. Sadly, there’s not as large a body of work on the subject as I want, but some researchers are cluing in to the need (thank goodness!).
I don’t think it’s going to be merely years–it’s going to take generations (look at how long civil and women’s rights took to come to fruition to some degree in society). And our best start on it is with our children–both genders of children. There’s a Massage In Schools Programme training in Colorado this fall that I desparately want to attend (now accepting donations! *wink*) to help the children grow past some of our cultural paradigms of violence and disrespect; to experience that empathy, concern, involvement, respect are okay and desirable.
I have several acquaintances that are SAHD, one had literally been asked to leave a parkdate because he was not a ‘mom.’ (I was APPALLED when I heard about it!) Another is one of the primary moving forces of a homeschool group we were a part of last year. Awesome dads with fantastic wives and wonderful children.
Which tangents me to my own soapbox–we talk about ‘equality’ of the sexes, but it seems to me that people/society equates that with being ‘the same.’ We’re _NOT_ the same. We have different talents, different thought-processes, different hormone-levels (*lol*). If we would just (as a society) recognize our strengths and talents, and how to balance them with each other instead of bickering about it, we would very successfully be on equal footing. Celebrate our differences and let’s put the jigsaw puzzle together! *grin*
To the soapbox into infant massage: some people feel that it’s the mom’s ‘thing;’ but it’s for both, and the infant thrives on both parent’s attentions. Mothers and fathers have different touch–one might be more playful, another might be more relaxing; one nurturing, another stimulating–both gain SO much from that one-on-one time with their kiddo and the opportunity to become more attune to the non-verbal communication/dance with their bundle of joy. So they are not the ‘SAME,’ but they are ‘EQUAL.’ (And it’s such a great way for a non-breastfeeding father to bond with his child! *wink*)
So this has essentially nothing to do with the ineptness of school systems to communicate with ALL involved, but it did have to deal with the importance of fathers after conception. (and y’all have a snippet of a preview of an article I’m working on writing–so nobody steal it without crediting it to me!! *lol*)
Know your worth! You are not alone (look at all these people supporting you)! And kudos for the effort you are putting forth. Being a parent isn’t easy–I wouldn’t trade it for the world though.
Comment by babbo
| May 29th, 2008
Judging from your experience, which I find to be par for the course when it comes to dads, I’d like to ask:
When will dads be considered important? I have written many times on the subject myself. From family to corporations, I have found the general “branding” of dads is that we are breadwinners & sperm doners. Just as there was an equal rights movement for women, wee need one!
Is it so hard to believe that we change diapers and take care of our kids? Just like mom? It is truly sickening to be downgraded. I’m sorry you had this experience. Did you tell your son about it?
Peace,
Joey
http://www.daddybrain.wordpress.com
Comment by dadshouse
| May 29th, 2008
As the long and well-written comments indicate, this is a real and widespread issue. Dad’s do get branded and downgraded, and bloggers like Dad Gone Mad do nothing to help our case. (Sorry, DGM – but you’re a big boy with a big audience, and you could be using your platform to help the active-dad cause rather than make things more difficult. But I digress.)
I did tell my son about this incident, and have talked with my kids extensively about the problem over the years. I have to be careful not to blame their mom. While she certainly could choose to help keep me informed, and that would make co-parenting smoother, she sees it as the organizations’ problem. But she’s a strong-willed woman fighting her own battles for equal treatment in corporate America, so maybe she figures I’m a big boy and can fight my own battles here.
Comment by mssinglemama
| May 29th, 2008
My father was my inspiration until he died of cancer 9 years ago.
So – to all of you dads – keep up the good work! Your influence is just as important as a mom’s. My son’s father lives in a different city, with his girlfriend and her son. He could easily get a job up here to be closer to our son, but he hasn’t even tried.
I would kill for an ex as passionate as all of you dad’s … and if he had been – we’d probably still be together.
Comment by Shannon
| May 29th, 2008
My Dad was a busy man, providing for our family. He was there, but not in the same way as my Mom. But I did have an “intact” nuclear household. My daughter obviously has a very different family dynamic, and I do my best to make sure all her Dad’s family is kept up to date on events. But I have to play devil’s advocate here and say that sometimes it’s hard for a frazzled single mom with already too much on her full-custody plate, to make sure that the doctors and schools are contacting both parents. I realize this isn’t what you were saying at all, but I also wanted to say that I’ve noticed how our doctors and schools make a real effort to keep BsDaddy and I both informed. I’m thankful for that. And I try to go the extra mile by emailing and texting him again (he’s forgetful) in advance of important events (like tonight’s major dance recital). You sound like you and your wife both have a good rapport going, which has definitely benefited my daughter. (And her Dad and I-I drop her off on my way to work each day, and he drives her to school-win-win!!!).
You are doing a great job!
Comment by dadshouse
| May 29th, 2008
Shannon – well put. My heart goes out to all the parents with full-time custody parents. That would be frazzling, indeed! I’m grateful to have joint legal custody and a half-time custody schedule. The time with my kids is treasured, and the time to myself is also nice. (Though I do miss out on a lot, as does their mom.)
Comment by babbo
| May 29th, 2008
I must say, I’m veery happy to have found your Web site. I think refraining from blaming your wife is the right move – especially for the kids. No matter what your relationship with your EX, she’s still mom to them.
Kudos for not falling into the ego-based realm of blame.
As a fellow dad, I would like to help spread the word about Dad’s House. I’m adding you to my blogroll.
Peace,
Joey
http://www.daddybrain.wordpress.com
Comment by helloworldbea
| May 29th, 2008
It’s the same old gender stereotypes. I love my dad and honestly, I wouldn’t want him excluded from anything involving me.
Comment by whatmenthink
| May 29th, 2008
I think that modern society continues to favor women. Although we have a lot of injustice towards women in the past, I don’t think that two wrongs can make a right! Women are especially favored in divorce. I was actually rejoiced to hear that Kevin Federline was receiving alimony from Britney. Not that I think he’s a great guy, but because it demonstrates the pain men feel during divorce. If we are to have a society where men and women are equal, they should be treated so in every aspect. Even when sending out emails to parents!
I support DadsHouse!
Comment by jonathan
| May 30th, 2008
Dude…I am so there with you on this post. Unfortunately, I think the road before us has been paved by Dads who don’t care. We have to be part of the group that changes that sad reality (and the unfortunate perceptions that come with it). Great, honest thoughts. Keep it up.
Comment by Jaclyn
| May 30th, 2008
My boyfriend is in a situation with his ex-wife where he always feels relegated to second class citizen, and I don’t blame him. His feelings are justified. While he changed diapers, got up in the night with the kids, helped with homework and was a very involved dad (and still is as much as the legal system allows him to be)…the system is very biased against men.
I lost my dad at 8, but I’ve never forgotten him or stopped missing him. Dad’s are VERY important. There was (and is) an emptiness where he was that only he could fill. He worked and my mom stayed home, and while she was good at doing hair and girly stuff, my dad was good with helping me with math homework and teaching me how to swim. There are two good sides to each coin, your mom and your dad. They are perhaps very different, but both beneficial in their own ways.
I work for an online tutoring company for disadvantaged children. When I call for the parents of a student and I reach the father and tell them who I am, they usually say, “Oh, their mother deals with that” or “Oh, I’ll get their mom. I don’t know anything about it”. Its those kind of dads that make it hard for the involved dad’s out there to be considered just as important as the mom.
I also get plenty of single dad’s who are very involved in their kids tutoring and the mother has disappeared. It is a stereotype.
As for my own ex, he’s one of the ones that due a discredit to involved dads. I’ll tell him about doctors appointments, potty training progress, etc. and he’ll never even ask how the appointment went. He delegates his parenting to his new wife, instead of learning how to be a parent himself. By doing this, our daughter likes stepmom better than her dad.
I know there are great, involved dads out there because I had one myself. You let that school know about this and have them correct and let them know where you stand — YOU ARE INVOLVED and its not right to try and cut you out, even unintentionally. You are just as much a parent as their mother. Forget ‘mother’ or ‘father’. There is just ‘parent’.
Comment by Syn
| June 7th, 2008
When my husband attended his daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher said that he was the first father in a two home situation that she had seen come to one of the conferences in all her years of teaching and her first students were now sophomores in high school!
We had our own struggles with the schools and getting information. Once the kids reach jr. high and high school, it becomes virtually impossible.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 7th, 2008
Actually, you’re really being discriminated against for being involved. Most teachers are under the impression that the parents want as little involvement as possible with their children. In fact, they’ve become so used to it that it’s almost a pain in the ass if a parent is interested in being pro-active regarding their child’s educational experience.
I will say, though, that the onus is on you to make sure that your info is given to the teacher. I didn’t read the comments, so I don’t know if this was addressed. But teachers have their plates VERY full. Even the best intentioned of them can’t possibly keep up with knowing everything they need to know about a student. There are grandparents who need to be informed because they are under their care a lot. There are nannies. All kinds of situations.
If you want to be informed about your child, then you must go the distance in making sure that your information is in the hands of the right people. And to make the proper checks to be sure the contact information is being used. Like… emailing the teacher for instance. Or sending her a note and asking for a regular, weekly email telling you what is going on.
I don’t know what communication is like between the ex and you but it’s likely falling short there.
If you want to make a change, you gotta make it. No need in getting disappointed or feeling victimized or disregarded by a woman who has forty kids to look after. She’s got them while they are in school. And that’s a lot.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 7th, 2008
I agree 100% Teri. And that’s the thing – at Back to School night we filled out a form with both email addresses, and added a note that said “we’re divorced and live in 2 homes, please email both of us.”
Then I followed up by sending an email to the teacher and she wrote back. In fact, she and I exchanged emails a few times during the year.
But when she set up her parent email list, she left me off. Who knows why? Maybe she had her husband input the data, or a kid, or a secretary, or she just blew it. Apparently when she sent these emails she put the parent email addresses in a bcc field, so no one knew who was or wasn’t getting it. No one bothered to tell me the emails were going out, including my ex. And I had no reason to suspect, because the teacher was otherwise emailing me.
Comment by Brad K.
| June 7th, 2008
I think you were discriminated against, but for being a husband, not for your role as parent.
That is, most families have two spouses as senior members. The most common role model has the husband working and focusing on out-of-home affairs. The wife focuses on keeping the home and supporting the husband – playing supportive spouse at company functions, entertaining, etc. Most of the time the wife’s role includes monitoring bills, correspondence, and tracking kids activities outside school. For full-time mothers, it is assumed (right or wrong) that their schedule is easier to break to bits to accommodate schools, doctor appointments, dentists, and all the other outside activities and contacts that assume ‘business hours’ are an acceptable imposition on the community. They all assume that Mother has time to accommodate them.
The reality is different. Whether Mom is single or working, usually she is the one to hack up her career and work day to accommodate schools, etc. So a teacher would be very diligent in making sure that every kid’s mom was on the list – for the mundane reason that Mom is responsible for being the contact, and the one most likely to be available. The next pass would identify kids that don’t live with Mom at all – Dad is single.
And if you think Schools seem to present a balanced gender-neutral social structure example to your kids, just count the number of women teaching at third grade and below. I invite any men interested in substitute teaching – the credentials in many states are quite easy to meet (in Oklahoma you need a high school diploma). And keep an eye out for the subtle and not-so-subtle biases entrenched in the different schools in your district.
No, I think you are looking too deeply, taking this too personally. This is an administrative oversight, not a parental role bias. Most men would face issues at work, penalties of position, wage, or perhaps get fired, if they were the school’s primary contact. Which is why many companies still lean toward married men for executives. They have wives to keep the ‘domestic’ stuff out of the dude’s worry list and thus not impose on the company – or at least, that is the underlying assumption.
The world is changing, but we still have some fundamental concepts to address.
Oh, and blame Cathouse Teri for pointing the way here!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 7th, 2008
Ah.. well sounds like a bit of a slip. I would definitely be upset and would probably be sure to email her weekly to remind her of my existence. :)
Comment by Hot Alpha Female
| June 8th, 2008
I seriously don’t know the type of person that i would be without my dad.
I have conversations with him that i couldn’t have with my mum. N i think that dad’s really are under-rated in today’s society.
N even though sometimes we annoy each other because we are so alike … he makes up a very important part of my life.
So this one is to all the dad’s out there …. I don’t know of how many well rounded girls there would be out there if it weren’t for all the dads =)
Hot Alpha Female
Comment by kat
| February 1st, 2009
This makes me very angry to read.
Here you are, a dad who is extremely involved in his child’s life, doing all the right things, or at the very least, trying to, and you’re being blocked because it’s typically been moms in society that do all the child rearing, doctor’s appointments, and educational involvement.
Our society has become so accustomed to divorced families and the fathers being absentee, just walking away after the divorce, but the fathers that do stay and take care of their kids still get blocked, get treated poorly because of all of the fathers who walk away.
I wish you the best of luck in getting all of these issues resolved.
kat´s last blog post..All hooked up, still no signal.
Comment by LEB
| August 4th, 2009
“It sucks to try to be deeply involved with your kids, only to be discriminated against for being a man.”
Your ex (and every other mother on the planet) is being discriminated against, too, when people assume that because she’s The Mom she’s in charge of everyone’s schedule. Husbands VERY OFTEN leave details like this to their wives, so why would that change when they divorce?
Before you get offended at being ignored as a dad, maybe you should consider how tough moms have it when they’re expected to be all-knowing minutiae-absorbing superwomen.