Kids Are on Vacation, and I’m a Lone Wolf
My kids left on vacation Friday with their mom, and I’ll be a lone wolf for three weeks. Full-time parents might cheer that break. But if you’re a single parent sharing custody, like me, chances are you’d rather have the kids around. Time spent with children is precious; they grow up quick.
Their mom and I alternate summers for taking them on big vacations. Here’s how I’ve dealt with summer alone-time before.
• Newly divorced – the first time they took off with their mom, I dated like CRAZY. I had just discovered internet dating and thought it was manna from heaven. Interestingly enough, the two relationships I entered that summer were from someone I met at a wedding, and someone I was set up with by friends. (So much for online dating, eh?)
• Two years after divorce – I had just broken up with a girlfriend, and friends were still conflicted about my divorce: they hadn’t taken sides between me and my ex, and they ended up leaving us both a bit out to pasture to fend for ourselves. With my kids gone, I was LONELY (and depressed). Like any good single, I fled to Club Med for a week of drinking and hooking up (in my case, with a gorgeous and sexy Cuban woman, who made fun of my salsa dancing skills, but otherwise liked me).
But debauchery only carries you so far. At some point, I hit rock bottom. No friends to hang out with, no kids to take care of, no girlfriend to smooch. Like Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love, I was wondering what’s the point of this thing called life. Let’s just say, since then I changed a lot. That summer was cathartic, and I’ve gone on to write two novels about the spiritual, emotional, psychological, and social shifts that arise from divorce and single parenting.
• Four years after divorce – by this point I had a completely different set of friends, ones who were more accepting and supportive of me being a single dad and single man. We enjoy yachting, and we sailed the British Virgin Islands together for a week, sleeping on the boat, listening to reggae, and drinking way too many Bushwackers. I also hung out with good friends in Manhattan, running in Central Park, dining in fabulous restaurants, and sighting celebrities. (Celebs I’ve seen up-close in NYC over the years: Marisa Tomei, James Iha from Smashing Pumpkins, Toby Maguire filming Spiderman 3, Dustin Hoffman, Scarlett Johansson (I wish))
• Six years after divorce – I finally accepted the fact that I can’t force the outcome of my future. I went with the flow and dated four women at once. Rock concerts, wine tasting, weekend road trips, a lot of cycling. Fun times, for sure.
Which brings me to now. I have no plan. Even though I’m faced with three weeks alone, I’m not too concerned. I won’t throw myself into online dating, or rush off on a singles holiday. I’ll just take each day as it comes and see what enters my life. No expectations, but open to possibilities.
Sometimes a lone wolf just needs to howl.
- Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
- What Does a Divorced Single Parent Know About Successful Relationships?
- San Francisco Fireworks of Another Kind (Texting Ex-Girlfriend)
- Marisa Tomei – Erotic Dancer, Single Mother in The Wrestler
- Play the Game of Life
- Where Did My Mojo Go?
- Ex Girlfriend Inspiration on Facebook
- Sexy and Funny Dating Stories
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Comment by debra
| June 23rd, 2008
Thanks for the sanity check. So often, it feels like whatever stage you’re in, right now, is the only stage you’ll get to. Nice to think I might mature out of the dating insanity that is the first year post divorce. Can’t wait to get to that point of peacefulness, as you describe ‘three weeks alone, no plan, not too concerned’. Started reading A New Earth this weekend, thanks for the recommendation, hoping to find a little inner peace.
Comment by debra
| June 23rd, 2008
….and LOVE the howling wolf image! Hope you found your full moon last week.
Comment by Susan
| June 23rd, 2008
No plan is a good plan. Enjoy it!
Comment by lisaq
| June 23rd, 2008
Mine are grown and gone…75 miles away. The ‘baby’ just moved last month. I always had them with me even during the summers so it was an adjustment. That ‘three weeks alone, no plan, not too concerned’ is of course multiplied for me, but it’s a good place to be. Have a fun three weeks!
Comment by Gunfighter
| June 23rd, 2008
“Sometimes a Lone Wolf just needs to howl”
Amen, brother!
Comment by QTMama
| June 23rd, 2008
Ditto on what Susan said. Howl away DadsHouse!!
Comment by mama
| June 23rd, 2008
A-ROOOOOOOO!
And I am Mama Llama…perhaps the only Llama on Earth that roars instead of hums.
My vacation begins officially at 3:00 a.m. on Thursday when I hit the airport and leave for a week in Perú…no kids, just my bag and my camera.
Have a great time, and be well, Wolf-man (heh heh).
Comment by dadshouse
| June 23rd, 2008
Debra – yes, it does change over time. Divorce is the hardest thing I ever went through. And parenting is the best. Makes for interesting times, for sure. But things can/do get better, especially with inner peace.
Mama Llama – nice howl. I love Peru! Went there with a girlfriend some years back. Maccu Pichu is amazing, ethereal, incredible.
For people who travel alone – how do you do it? Where do you stay? I’m too old for hostels. I’ve tried the solo travel route, and I much rather go with a companion (preferably female, cute, girlfriend)
Comment by Shannon
| June 23rd, 2008
I am so with you DH. Divorce is the hardest thing I have ever went through. I’m never going to get “used” to it. I’m living with it, and since I’m generally a very upbeat person, I’m happy. But it stinks. It’s taken me five years to get remotely comfortable in this role. If you can call it comfortable.
Comment by Rebekah
| June 23rd, 2008
If gas prices weren’t so dern high I’d suggest getting in the car and just driving to see some things you’ve always wanted to see.
I would totally dig having three weeks of vacation (although not away from my son, just away from work). I want to see the Pacific, I want to see Redwood forests, I want to see the Grand Canyon, I want to see Italy, Paris… but no, I get two weeks and can only take ONE at a time. So it’s Orlando for us this year.
And I hear ya on the missin’ the kids, when my son is at his dad’s JUST OVERNIGHT I’m bored to tears and missing my boy.
Good luck, and stay out of trouble.
Comment by Single Mom
| June 23rd, 2008
Most people interpreted your howl as a call to the wild–the wild single life with no kids around — I heard your howl as a need to vent ’cause you sound a little sad, a cry of being the lone wolf without your pack around! Facing three weeks alone in an empty house sounds like both a reason to cheer (your nocturnal activities with your ‘friends with benefits’ won’t be interrupted!) and a reason to sigh, miss your kids, and take advantage of quiet time for yourself. I don’t look forward to a kid-less house either, but it IS nice to sleep in, with or without company. Sounds like a solid plan to have no plan, and sounds like it took many years to reach that comfort level. I’m somewhere in the middle – The freedom to do as I please is a nice throwback to my pre-marriage days without kids and reconnect with myself, friends (and also men!). So just enjoy.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 23rd, 2008
Single Mom – nice analysis. I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy. I miss my kids, for sure. But I enjoy my time to myself – I have tons more time to read, sail, cycle, hang out with friends, have uninterrupted nights (with female company) on the couch, etc.
I think my howl was just a howl – getting in tune with the wildness that surrounds me and is in me. (Where wild doesn’t necessarily mean reckless – just free, raw, passionate toward life)
Rebekah – I have contemplated road trips, and will probably roll down to Santa Barbara at some point. The women there are SO different than Bay Area women. More grounded, down to earth, free spirited, “nice”. i.e. you can have a conversation with a stranger and they don’t freak out and think you are creepy.
Shannon – divorce is tough, indeed! Getting to a good state is so important. I really think divorced people are forced toward self-awareness in a way that married people aren’t. There’s no spouse around pointing things out to help us evolve, it all has to come from within. Really good friends can help, but even the best of friends tire of being a therapist.
Comment by singlemomseeking
| June 23rd, 2008
Sorry, Dad’s House, but I don’t agree with the way you describe the Bay Area women, but maybe I’m kind of freaky over here.
I’m the one who’s usually talking to strangers… There are some down to earth free spirited women over here, at least I hang out with them. Maybe you’ll join one of us for lunch/a walk with all your time off?
Comment by dadshouse
| June 23rd, 2008
Maybe Berkeley women are different, though I haven’t run into the friendly ones like SMS when I’ve been there. I live in Silicon Valley, and women here are not very talkative or friendly. Try to strike up a conversation and they glare at you like you’re a stalker.
San Francisco women aren’t much better – they immediately ask what “neighborhood” you live in. If you say the peninsula or south bay, they roll their eyes as if you’d just said you’re from Siberia or Mars. (City women tend to want to date City men, so they can enjoy all the City has to offer)
These are all blanket statements, and there are of course exceptions. I’ll have to check out Berkeley some more. Though for dating, it’s an hour away, which is too much for a single dad tethered to his home by kids.
(Santa Barbara women tend to be SUPER friendly. Too bad they are 5 hours away!!!)
Comment by pajama momma
| June 23rd, 2008
Full-time parents might cheer that break.
You are correct.
Comment by katherine.
| June 23rd, 2008
I remember once year they were all on holiday for the same three weeks. pretty much the first week was relax and catch up….the second lots of fun….the third week I couldn’t wait to see them again…
enjoy your time
Comment by justrun
| June 23rd, 2008
I would think three weeks would be a long time for any parent, but then again I miss my dog after a weekend, I can’t imagine how badly I’d miss my kids.
As for what you should do… more sailing so those of us land-locked people can live vicariously.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 23rd, 2008
I should add that women I’ve met in other places have been SUPER nice and friendly, too. Notably: Portland, Boston, parts of Manhattan, and other places. So maybe it’s a Silicon Valley thing – it’s definitely different here. Way more single men than women, so maybe women get away with being not quite as nice, or maybe they are hounded so much, they get tired of it.
Bottom line – I haven’t hung out that much in the East Bay, so I should have said Silicon valley rather than Bay Area women.
Comment by Single_M0M
| June 23rd, 2008
I travel on business and have since before my son was born. I get used to the small five day breaks but it’s much different when I’m away (and busy working) then when he is (and I’m missing him constantly). His dad takes him on a two week vacation every summer and one week in the winter and those are THE times of year that I dread the most.
Which reminds me – I’m heading to Stanford University to attend a summer course for 10 days in July. Might you be able to recommend some places to eat, drink or altogether avoid? The only downside is that I won’t have a car.
Comment by pajama momma
| June 24th, 2008
We’re nice in Florida as well, we’re just all retarded here.
Comment by katherine.
| June 24th, 2008
and depends on WHICH bay your area is in…..
Comment by Erika Jurney
| June 24th, 2008
Hey, I’m just stopping by to thank you for turning on full RSS feeds. You rock.
Comment by Shannon
| June 26th, 2008
NY women are nice. :) Well, maybe it’s just me.
Comment by The Exception
| June 27th, 2008
Arizona has some very friendly women – especially those who have moved to Virginia!! ;) (We tend to be the simple, outdoor loving variety!) ;)
Comment by The Exception
| June 27th, 2008
I know that feeling – the desire to howl. Not because you miss the pack but because it is your moment to enjoy. Everything seems possible and opportunities. So many choices – whether realistic or not… and you just want to let loose and howl!!
(Oh, maybe that is just me and there is usually a man involved when I do it… )
Comment by The Exception
| June 27th, 2008
(David, would love to hear your thoughts on Eat, Pray, and Love. I have never met a man who has read it so your thoughts would be interesting)
Comment by sammie
| January 8th, 2010
I have been divorced for three years and my ex has the kids most holiday and in December for nearly three weeks. I enjoy and dread this time, the first week is nice relax enjoy your own company again and reconnect with friends but after that im missing my babies and realise how precious my time with them is.