Men Who Read and Cook – Sexy or Unmanly?
More than one person commenting on my Calling All Matchmakers post said that men who cook, read, and try tantric sex are perceived by women as unmanly. One came right out and said those behaviors are gay. No offense to homosexuals, but a man perceived as gay is assumed to date men – not women. These readers suggested, if I want to date more women I need to take a more manly approach to life than preparing my own food, talking about books, and trying sexual positions beyond missionary.
Please tell me they’re in the minority.
Cooking – As a single dad with half-time custody of two kids, I wonder what my manly dinner options would be?
a) Restaurants and take-out every night
b) Grill steaks every night
c) Remarry quick! Let my built-in cook/housekeeper prepare the meals
Sorry, but I’ll take the unmanly approach of cooking. And I won’t be heating cans of chili or stew. I want good food and real recipes to fuel my marathon running and century bicycle riding and keep me healthy in general. (Maybe a beer gut would be more manly than my fit physique.) Aren’t there enough famous chefs on TV – Wolfgang Puck, Bobby Flay, Rick Bayless – that male cooking is mainstream?
Books – I know most men prefer techno-thrillers. But since when are men who read literary fiction and books on spirituality considered unmanly? Commentors mentioned SNAG as the real unmanly culprit – Sensitive New-Age Guys should be friends, not husbands or lovers. Last I checked, men have been reading for eons, both literary and spiritual stuff. Reading is not New-Agey. Maybe it’s the talking in the kitchen with any senstitivity about books, rather than grunting about sports on the backyard patio. Hey – if there’s a conversation about Serie-A or World-Cup soccer, I’m right in the mix. But I find American sports boring – overpaid crybaby athletes acting like boys. Who’s the unmanly one here?
Tantric sex – it’s ancient, not new-agey. The act of using sexual energy for transcendence and connecting with God is mentioned in the Old Testament, the Koran, and other spiritual texts. Countless celebrities have tried tantra, from Sting to Scarlett Johansson. I’m guessing anyone who summarily dismisses tantric sex as weird simply hasn’t tried it.
Destructive thought patterns are hard to break, especially when they are deeply rooted in our culture. There are characters in best-selling books (unmanly!) that perpetuate outdated stereotypes. Tom Perrotta takes a wack at single parents in The Abstinence Teacher, with a single-dad character incapable/not-allowed to raise his daughter, and a single mom whose only male friends are gay. There are plenty of other books and movies similarly stuck in the stone-age. With drivel like that, how can our culture evolve?
Cooking is sexy. Reading is sexy. Tantric sex is sexy. A hot dad might do all three. It’s the fast-food guzzling, sports blathering, selfish lover sorts of men who are unmanly.
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Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 26th, 2008
Ha ha. Oh… man… I had to pick myself up off the floor for this one. THAT PICTURE! … for one thing. :)
But yes, please DO NOT take anyone seriously who says that a man who cooks, read and investigates such things as tantric sex is not manly! Those things are practically the epitome of manly sexiness! Sheesh!
Keep it up, babe. Some lucky woman, someday, is gonna snatch you up and she ain’t gonna let go!
Comment by Sheryl
| June 26th, 2008
Reading, cooking and tantra??? Very, very sexy (and hard to find)
Comment by I Must Say
| June 26th, 2008
I totally agree with you. The whole thing is just deeply rooted in the American society (please understand that when I say American, I mean people from North, Central and South America), it all starts with the whole “boys shall not cry” attitude. That’s why I broadened my horizons and married a Brit. He’s very well in touch with both his masculine and feminine side. And I love everything about that.
I agree with CT, the one you are looking for will find you!!! Patience…
Comment by Hadley
| June 26th, 2008
I think this is just a case of people having different preferences. You are going to be attracted by certain women and not others. Also, maybe some of the comments came from people who judged you on the basis of one or two posts so they weren’t aware that you have other interests and aspects.
You sort of seem to put down men who aren’t the same as you, and also set up a false dichotomy or two (it’s either missionary or tantric, men either like to cook, read and practice tantra or they eat fast food, blather about sports and are selfish in bed).
“Unmanly” and “gay” are immature schoolyard taunts. I can see how these responses would get to you. Rise above! Transcend!
Comment by Rebekah
| June 26th, 2008
Wait a second, men cook? And read? Where do I sign up to get one of those men?
I think men being able to care for themselves, i.e. cooking, is very attractive. A man cooking for me is downright sexy. And add a nice quiet evening together each of us reading a book…. saving up our energy before the unbelievable sex we are going to have…. even better!
I say that person, or those persons, are in the minority. Or they are very young. Men who cook, read, and are adventureous (sp?) in the sack are a total turn on. Period.
Comment by Robyn
| June 26th, 2008
My spouse is the furthest thing from a SNAG. He can’t cook and prefers to read the WSJ cover to cover over any book. I lvoe to cook, and don’t really want anyone else in my kitchen unless you are eating or cleaning up after me. So it works out well for us. And the bedroom – well let’s just say there is more to sex than missionary or tantric. :)
Some of the SV Moms (and our readers) are a little uptight about talking about sex. I once wrote about doing a strip tease for my spouse for Valentine’s Day and the crowd was silent. I mean, what guy doesn’t want a little fun in the bedroom?? I think it goes back to the Virgin Mary or Whore dichotomy. Mothers can’t be dirty, right? lol
Personally, I’d love to have you over to introduce to my single friends. Unfortunately, I don’t think you are their type. Most seem to be stuck still in the “bad boy who I can convert into a good guy” phase. :)
Comment by debra
| June 26th, 2008
In reference to the SNAG moniker….I don’t think it’s the ‘new age’ part that some women don’t find ‘manly’ it’s the ’sensitive’ part. You’re pretty in touch with your emotional side, for a guy (heck, in comparison to most women I know too!) Unfortunately, I think our society is still conditioned to believe that manly men don’t show their emotions, don’t express their emotions, and certainly don’t contemplate or discuss their emotions! As the mother of a son who is a very compassionate, sensitive little being, I struggle with helping him find his happy medium between wearing his heart on his sleeve and being ‘one of the guys’…and he’s only 6 and already having to deal with going against his nature to be more like what our society says manly men should be like.
Back to the ‘these are the kind of men women want to be friends with’…in my humble opinion…if more of us married someone we were truly compatible friends with, far fewer of us would now be in the boat we’re in!
Comment by Backpacking Dad
| June 26th, 2008
Hold on there!
Sports are awesome, and irrelevant to manliness. Just as cooking and liking tantric sex are irrelevant to manliness. Manhood is about making life choices that will promote your wisdom and improve your life and happiness. That can be done in a ton of ways.
Leave my Red Wings alone; they didn’t do anything to you.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 26th, 2008
Good point, BP Dad. :)
Comment by Kevin (ReturnToManliness)
| June 26th, 2008
Backpacking Dad nailed this one. I agree with him completely. So much so I need to check out his site.
Those guys who say that about manliness (reading, cooking, etc) have no clue.
Also, as a native Detroiter who lived there for 30 years, I am reveling in Hockeytown’s new champions.
Comment by Lance
| June 26th, 2008
DM, tell me that’s a picture of you last Halloween. I insist on believing this.
All three of those things are obviously manly. Hello, cook dinner for her and you’re going to get laid. I can’t imagine a women who has any value being a attracted to a man who doesn’t read. I mean seriously, guys who don’t read are jackasses and panty sniffers. Not that there’s anything wrong with sniffing panties…
I’ve never done tantric sex, but ANY sex where you last forever is pretty manly in my book.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 26th, 2008
Great comments, all. I’ll respond to two in particular:
@Hadley wrote: You sort of seem to put down men who aren’t the same as you, and also set up a false dichotomy or two (it’s either missionary or tantric, men either like to cook, read and practice tantra or they eat fast food, blather about sports and are selfish in bed). – That’s a fair observation. I do seem to put those men down. I think in a 400 word blog post, things become black and white. I of course don’t believe an interest in sports makes a man unmanly. In fact, in this post I say that if we’re talking soccer, I’m right in the mix. I also know there’s much sexual diversity between missionary and tantra. Life is gray. My closing sentence is a bit unfair, but I thought it provided balance to the name calling that inspired this post.
@Backpacking Dad – I agree completely. However, I submit that the “neanderthal” stereotype of the beer guzzling, sports loving, book hating American male who doesn’t cook is quite out of date. Perhaps referring to that species of male as unmanly will encourage some to change.
Then again, maybe not!
btw – Hockey rocks when you see it live… and I played intramural ice hockey in graduate school…
Comment by mama llama
| June 26th, 2008
the lack of willingness to try new things, to learn new skills and,heaven forbid learn to please the wife with some new ideas for rocking the bed-couch-table-dryer-whatever has been a huge reason why my marriage has failed. Books are great…aslong as it isn’t military warhistory all the time. If a man does not cook, cleaning up once in a while would be an acceptable, not to mention an EXCITING,gesture. I dont know much about tantric sex but would so be willing to try new explorations of expressions of love for my partner that I would be grateful for such initiative to be taken.
Nothing wrong with these ideals at all, daddy-o. Gay? No, I would say that perhaps such interests cross sexual boundaries. Interestingly,I was recently hearing of a study to find out what turns on heterosexual women…and it is not naked men. Rather,the study found women most turned on by watching 2 naked females. The conclusion drawn was that women are far more experimental in their sexuality than men…or society…defines them as being. I have to admit, an intellectual cook who drives me orgasmically crazy in bed would be quite a turn-on for me as well.
Sorry on the typos,I’m learning on this iPod. Greetings from Lima. Be well.
Comment by Kai
| June 26th, 2008
There are men who cook and read?? WHERE?!!! Men might not consider other guys who cook and read to be manly, but women (at least THIS woman) certainly does.
Question: how does one get her partner to try tantric sex? Mine is very, wham, bam thank you ma’am…Maybe I’ll try telling him Scarlett does it…
Comment by Honey
| June 26th, 2008
The BF learned how to cook in college when he was a nighttime security guard for an apartment complex. Though he’s at a disadvantage now because he went veggie 2 years ago, I have been veggie for 8 years and we cook together from scratch fairly regularly. It’s awesome.
And his first e-mail to me was about one of our favorite authors (Robert Jordan)–not only do we both like to read (an 11-book series where each book is about 500 pages long means he LOVES it as much as I do) but we have very similar tastes. It’s great to be able to borrow each other’s stuff, even if we do have books in almost every single room of a 3-bedroom house. Seriously, we’re stuffed to the gills.
We haven’t tried tantric sex, but you just reminded me that last week I told him that we needed to light some candles, drink some wine, and have an all-night sex fest on Friday. We’re finally going to break in that Viagra that we bought in Mexico and do some serious experimenting.
You’re a manly man, DM :-)
Comment by pajama momma
| June 26th, 2008
men who cook, read, and try tantric sex are perceived by women as unmanly. One came right out and said those behaviors are gay.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
People who think in absolutes are absolutely stupid. If you’re gonna say these are gay attributes ladies, please, don’t include me in your moronic generalization. Say YOU perceive them as gay, cuz I sure as hee haw heck don’t.
Sometimes a woman is tired and when she comes home from work or her pedicure and extreme makeover, it’s much nicer to have a fine meal, cooked by your man, than rice-a-roni.
Comment by Jonathon
| June 26th, 2008
It’s always surprising to read stuff like this — not that I don’t a) agree with you, or b) accept that it’s there — just that I forget I must live in a bubble where gender roles aren’t (quite) so rigidly defined.
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| June 26th, 2008
I hear you “mama llama”… I’ve learned to keep my exploratory nature very, very quiet until I know a man better. I’ve scared away too many guys that way, and learned, as you say, that women are more open and experimental in that arena.
Anyway, here’s to men who can cook us a meal, cooks it up in bed, and then can have some thoughtful, meaningful conversation when it’s all said and done…
Comment by Oakland Mama
| June 26th, 2008
I guess I don’t think reading, cooking and talking (or blogging) about tantric sex are inherently sexy…it’s the attitude with which you do it. Tthe confidence you put out there is what makes it sexy.
A guy who can master the kitchen, look like he’s having a ball and have no worries about “looking gay” is a sexy guy.
That is to say, I don’t think all Tolle-reading-asparagas-grilling-tantric-sex-talking guys are sexy, but if you really believe in yourself, it shows.
Comment by katherine.
| June 26th, 2008
just goes to show …
not all women want the same kind of man…and not all men want the same kind of woman.
how cool is that?
Comment by The Exception
| June 27th, 2008
After spending the last few days in Omaha rediscovering why I love baseball (probably not very feminine – eh?) this post came as quite a surprise. A man is not defined by his hobbies, likes/dislikes, choice (if any) of reading material, or the way he engages in sex. At least that is not how a define a man or what is manly or masculine or sexy. A sexy man (masculine too) is one that engages in the activities he loves wit confidence. A man who can cook, both in den out of the kitchen, is sexy when he embraces and accepts his abilities, seeks knowledge, and is willing to experiment!
It isn’t about the sports or the beer or the Latin dancing or the cooking – ladies, a sexy man is confidence in action and in motion!!!
Comment by dadshouse
| June 27th, 2008
The Exception – well put! A woman can find a man sexy whatever his passion, be it baseball, cooking, fixing cars, whatever. None of these pursuits make a man less a man, or more a man, or inherently gay. Pursuits are passions, period.
Now then, anyone up for some Rice-a-roni?
Comment by Travis
| June 27th, 2008
I feel very competent in the kitchen and I cook as often as I can. And, present it as if it was done in a elegant restaurant or a restaurant that’s off the foot path in Costa Rica. Whether something is manly or sexy has everything to do with presentation. If you exude anything with confidence you will find success.
Even reading a book and explaining in confidence and conviction, in great detail, why the main character was an emotional train wreck or that the author needed to expand on a character that seemed way more interesting than the lead…
or
Why standing in front of the glass just as a fight breaks out eating food that you know won’t sit well later that night knowing the Admirals are going to win, is the greatest feeling in the world.
unless…
Your standing at the top of the Continental Divide at 10,000 feet in the Wind River Mountain range, feeling it snow, rain, sun and wind gusts all within 5 minutes while holding onto your bear mace eating Ramen noodle and fish to survive..
Can only be done successfully with confidence…
But ya, know. It rocks even more when your not worried about how you appear. When your focused on making others comfortable and not on how you look, you will be the best person you can be, and the people around you will enjoy your company and be happier, and so will you.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 27th, 2008
Travis, thanks for weighing in. I couldn’t agree more with this: It rocks even more when your not worried about how you appear.
In real life, that’s how I live. I don’t worry what people think about me. Even in blogging, I don’t worry too much – I tend to put it all out there.
But with my post here, I did care. This post is a reaction to the social attitude (of some people, not all) that single dads are either incompetent or gay. It gets tiring to not be accepted as a heterosexual man who happens to care a lot about his kids. I’m often ignored by schools, doctor offices, neighbors, etc. who assume I don’t care about what’s going on with my kids. To me, it borders on discrimination. Maybe by blogging about it all, maybe I can raise awareness and encourage shifts of thought.
Comment by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon
| June 27th, 2008
It seems like backward thinking to assume that a man being the best parent he can be is somehow less a man. On the contrary, there’s nothing more “manly” than providing for your kids and doing what they need from you, and being secure in doing it.
I think the problem is in societal perception and I agree with you: Who cares? I don’t parent that way and my son is better off for it, as I’m sure your kids are. I actually addressed a similar issue on my blog today and am curious the feedback will be. So, thanks for putting this out there.
Comment by lisaq
| June 27th, 2008
Competely. Undeniably. Utterly. Sexy.
Being a woman who doesn’t cook (doesn’t, not can’t) a man who cooks for me will get me every time! Reading=ability to engage in intelligent conversation and not just an ability to burp & grunt. Tantric sex=love! jk… :D
Still all of that without inner confidence, drive and focus doesn’t mean a damn thing!
Comment by dadshouse
| June 27th, 2008
I have to say, I’m so happy and grateful to have so many great people commenting here. Even when you guys disagree with me, you do so with tact and respect. Over on Silicon Valley Moms Blog in the original post, commentors are still flinging shit my direction. It’s tiring. I need a drink. But it’s before noon here in Cali, so I’ll wait… Happy hour can’t come soon enough!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 27th, 2008
Well hun, it’s always five o’clock somewhere!
Comment by pajama momma
| June 27th, 2008
I don’t know what kind of books he reads, but I’d like to see any of those women with their claws out tell Chef Gordon Ramsey to his face that he seems a little “gay” (NTTAWWT) because he makes a mean lentil pasta.
It’s a quarter to 5 here, would you like a drink?
Comment by Kat Wilder
| June 27th, 2008
First of all, I can’t even imagine being with a man who didn’t read. Er, well, wait a minute … I married one. Now I’m divorced. Connect the dots? I like a man with smarts. I don’t think you can get that by just watching TV or surfing the Net.
A man doesn’t have to cook, but I love cooking side by side with my lover. Or, if, not that, I’d love it if he loves what I cook. But, you know, if he wants to cook for me — yeah, even Rice-a-Roni — I will eat it with appreciative gusto.
As for tantric sex. Why the hell does anyone have a problem with that? I had some mighty fine tantric sex in my time.
As has been mentioned above, stop putting parameters on what “manly” looks like, and see the person for who he is. And if you like the package, go with it. And dig into the erudite, culinary, tantric feast while you’re at it …. or I will!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| June 27th, 2008
Hold on, now! Let’s not go so far defending the position of the cooking, well-read, tantric man to the degree that we leave out the men who don’t do those things!
To say that a man who doesn’t read isn’t smart, is just wrong. I have a man who is very smart and doesn’t read. There is literacy and there is LITERACY. Just because I can’t talk to my man about Shakespeare, doesn’t mean we don’t have intelligent conversations and that he doesn’t stimulate me intellectually.
I know many people with many interests. And I don’t expect the person I choose as a partner to try to be all things. If I want to talk Shakespeare, I just choose someone else. (Interesting point there, though. I have yet to meet a person, man or woman, who wants to talk Shakespeare specifically in regards to the way I feel passionately about the subject.)
Comment by LOD
| June 28th, 2008
It stands to reason that any man who can cook, read, and pleasure at the same time would be revered as a god.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 28th, 2008
Kat – cooking in the kitchen with a date/lover/partner is awesome, no matter who does the heavy lifting. For me, since I can cook, I tend to attract women who know nothing about cooking, but they still help out on occasion when we make it fun.
Teri – well put. The manly/unmanly debate got twisted a bit through two blog posts and a ton of comments. Everyone can be attracted to whoever they want without putting others down. To make Cathouse Teri purrr, or not to make her purrr, that is the manly question. (queue the groans… )
Laid Off Dad – from one man (and dad) to another, I salute you.
Now if I could just convince my kids I have godly qualities, I’d be set! (ha)
Comment by B
| June 28th, 2008
I think sexy is in the eye of the beholder. Reading, cooking, and Tantra sexy are going to be sexy to a lot of women. You’re not trying to be sexy for some man who thinks those things are unmanly. In fact, I’m sure you’re not doing those things to be sexy at all. They are just what you enjoy and are interested in. What’s sexy is having a brain, using it for good (as opposed to deceptive evil), and having interests and ambitions and passions. Being open to new things and life long learning. Sounds like the things you mention might fall into those categories. Of course, it’s just my opinion :) Oh. Why does it have to be so hard…?
Comment by pajama momma
| June 28th, 2008
Ok, I’m just going to have to come out and say it. You’re not hot to me anymore.
*sniff
I know, I know. I can understand you’re crushed,this hurts me too, but this is my dream man.
Comment by dadshouse
| June 28th, 2008
PJ Momma – step to the front of the line! That’s the best comment URL referral EVER. I mean that. Hats off to you. However, if you don’t reply to this comment and tell me “thank you” by 8pm tonight, PST, that’s Pacific Standard Time, i.e. a time that is convenient for me, then my hat goes back on, I’ll delete your comment, and you’ll be sequestered to my spam queue, forever. I mean that. Unless your dog got sick or something. Okay? Got that? I don’t play games. 8 o’clock, sharp.
(if any readers don’t “get” my comment here, click on the link PJ Momma gave and give a listen… )
Comment by pajama momma
| June 28th, 2008
hahahahaha, isn’t he teh hawtness? He’s got a whole group of weirdness in Toronto, Canada and turns out he’s a total perv who’s lost his medical license and a whole bunch of other stuff for being so extremely sexy.
It makes me hawt when a guy tells me how it’s gonna work.
But seriously, you and I are over
Comment by Susan
| June 29th, 2008
Someone who cooks, reads something other than Maxim (or at least in addition to) and then will make sex a spiritual experience?
Call it gay, call it whatever you want, just sign me up.
Comment by Shannon
| June 30th, 2008
I find it incredibly sexy to find a man who is passionate about anything. Whatever it is, as long as he lives it and breathes it and can’t do without it. I’ve married a musician for that very reason (subsequently left him for it too ;) but still respect that passion), dated a woodworker, a reader, a PhD, an athlete…I love someone who knows what (besides me) is fulfilling to them. It’s all about enjoying life. And I’m the first to admit, as I got a bit older (I’m 34) I started to like the more “metrosexual” men. I want someone who knows a good bottle of wine, a good meal, dresses well and can do more cultured things with me. My husband is a businessman, but doesn’t really read all that much and certainly doesn’t cook. Do I ever wish he cooked!!! I have a 2 hour daily commute and then have to get home and make dinner. I also wish he read, but I knew this going into it…so we make do with me reading and then giving him a synopsis of what I read and then we discuss it. It’s great sharing and bonding over that…nearly as good as the guy who read the same book back and forth with me over morning coffee. God. That was FANTASTIC.
And PJ Momma’s link was the best.
Comment by Tonya
| July 1st, 2008
Dear God… I would totally be into a man like this. These are like 3 of the things I look for in a man! It is very rare to find a man into tantric sex. I love a good gourmet meal (the ex was a great cook) and man who reads spiritual books?!?! What great conversations! I don’t know you that well (I’m still fairly new to your blog) but you sound pretty darn perfect to me. :)
Comment by Hot Alpha Female
| July 3rd, 2008
Hey,
So you seem like a GREAT catch, rather than a Gay Wannabe. Maybe those people are just jealous!
I think that you exude a sense of culture and sophistication rather than anything else.
N i dont know why people think that if your a guy and you can cook that there must be something wrong with you.
Notice how there are a lot more MALE profesional chefs then there are female? Whats going on there. There must be something to it then!
Neways great post!
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| September 10th, 2008
I missed this earlier—it’s so funny!
Unsexy? But those are the top 3 things I lurve in a man!
The cooking’s optional, actually (I know enough to keep us from starving), but the other 2 are practically requirements!
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| September 10th, 2008
And I couldn’t agree more that “it’s the fast-food guzzling, sports blathering, selfish lover sorts of men” who are unsexy total turn-offs.
Comment by April
| February 26th, 2009
My solution to my own deficiences in the cooking dept: DreamDinners. Just sayin’. I would love a real SNAG!
April´s last blog post..Reflection
Comment by Paula
| June 16th, 2009
Reading & cooking = sexy.
Mowing with ear protection = very dorky turnoff.
Comment by Jesse
| August 20th, 2010
Reading and Cooking is not gender specific. The thought of this as unmanly is “Branded” in our minds because of what society for centuries told us gender roles should be. Double standard: It’s ok for women to partake in “male” activities, but not so for men to do “Women” perceived roles.
I’ve often wondered if women do not like these men because are they feeling NOT needed anymore if their man can do cooking/cleaning/etc.?
On the other hand, there are smart women who appreciate men helping out!
The men of today are evolving out of the Bad Boy, barbarian, machismo, insensitive, handy man of yesteryear (you know the kind of jerk women complain/cry about), and we are taking on more roles in parenting, household duties, and learning to a be well rounded man! I think what it is to be a man needs to be redefined.