Single dads have gone mainstream. There’s a TV commercial with two young girls encouraging their dad to get back in the dating game.
Kind of cute and sweet, I suppose. But when I first saw this spot during the Tour de France, my gut reaction was: are they serious? Here I break it down (tongue in cheek):
- Why are young kids coaching their dad to get out there and date? If they were twenty and in relationships of their own, I could believe it. But these kids are eight. Maybe the ad agency thought the movie Billboard Dad was a documentary.
- Why is the dad texting a photo of his hottie dinner date to his girls? Once again, save it for when your kids are twenty. Or at least wait till you’ve been dating that woman a while and your kids are teens.
- Why don’t his kids accept him for who he is? I mean, they’re saying he’s not desirable to women until the gray is gone from his hair? What about baldness? Being overweight? Being too thin? What happened to inner beauty?
I ran this by my teenage daughter: if I had gray hair, would you do that for me?
Her response speaks volumes:
No, Dad, I wouldn’t. If my uncle had gray hair, I’d get him a box. But if it was you? I’d tell you to get off your lazy butt and go buy some product!
Enough said.
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July 31st, 2008
Posted in
children, dating, family, home, life, relationships, single dads, single moms, single parents |
13 comments
Is dating easier for single dads than single moms? A lot of folks in the blogosphere seem to think so.
Chrissy at Glamour’s Storked! laments the marketability of a single dad who appeared on ABC’s Bachelorette. Seems he got a ton of fan mail that Chrissy as a single mom doesn’t get. Her readers jumped right on the band wagon, saying single moms have it tougher than single dads.
Then there’s Matt Logelin, single after his wife tragically passed away with the birth of their child. He wrote that society has mythologized the good single father, and women daily send him emails saying they’d love to be the woman in his life. He posits that a woman in his shoes wouldn’t get the same attention.
Call me the lone dissenter, but dating is NOT easier for single dads than single moms. That’s been my experience, at least, and I’ve been at this game for eight years running.
Now before you break out Occam’s razor and question whether I’m date-able, know that I’ve had post-divorce dating success – a few serious relationships and tons of short term flings. Women tend to like me. (If you want to decide for yourself, my pics and more about me are here.)
But finding someone to enter my family for the long haul has been a challenge.
I’m guessing Chrissy’s Bachelorette got a ton of fan mail because of the nature of that show. It attracts female viewers who would love a man of their own. Chrissy’s blog caters to moms.
Matt blogs that there are a lot of women who would love to adopt his built-in family. With all due respect to his departed wife, perhaps his being a widower is a factor. Any woman who joins his family will be the woman in his family’s life. For me as a divorced man with half-time custody, any woman joining my family will certainly be the woman in my house, but will take second fiddle to the biological mom when it comes to the kids. Most women want no part of that. (Yes, I realize there are exceptions. But those women haven’t tended to come my way.)
Besides fantasizing Matt as the perfect husband and father, some women might fantasize themselves in the role of nurturing mother and wife. They simply can’t do that with me and my kids. One woman I met on match.com said she wouldn’t date me because if she entered my life, she wouldn’t have a role. The kids already have a mom. I already take care of the family and home. What’s left for her to do?
Plenty more women have told me flat out they won’t date me seriously because they don’t want a built-in family, but then say they’d love to be my booty call friend with benefits.
I’m not saying single dads have it tougher than single moms. I’m saying it’s probably about the same. Dating as a single parent is complicated. Period.
(For the record, my ex-wife is dating someone right now. She’s a single mom. Sure, she has half-time custody and therefore time to date. But so do I. The issue isn’t time, it’s finding someone who accepts our co-parenting two-home situation.)
Which brings me to a bigger point. As a single dad deeply involved in my kids’ lives – caring for them, cooking, cleaning, volunteering in schools, etc. – I run into gender stereotyped discrimination all the time. The schools send notices to mom but not to me. The doctor’s office calls mom but not me. A mom friend who came for a BBQ brought a wagon full of food because she worried I can’t cook (I’m fairly accomplished.) It’s frustrating. Women I’ve encountered see me as different. Their husbands don’t cook and clean and take care of the kids. Instead, those dads tend to work long hours and leave the household and parenting duties to the mom. Some women have even suggested this makes me unmanly. Whatever.
Broad generalizations that lead to societal myths are damaging to involved dads like me as we try to don the non-traditional role of single care provider. (I’ve already said my two cents about DadGoneMad admitting he dreaded alone time with his kids, and I’ve bemoaned the entertainment media for depicting so many deadbeat dads. Talk about setting dads back a century or two.)
Want gender equality? By all means, take it. But with it, let’s leave gender bias out of the single-parent dating debate.
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July 30th, 2008
Posted in
dating, divorced parent concerns, internet dating, life, online dating, relationships, single dads, single moms, single parents |
32 comments
I was recently asked what divorce advice books I read to help me cope with the end of my marriage. The answer might surprise you. While I did pick through several books written specifically for separating couples, I learned far more from books with a spiritual theme.
Here are the top self-help and spiritual books that helped me get on with life after divorce and enter into healthy relationships.
Mom’s House, Dad’s House
, by Isolina Ricci, PhD. This helped me get past the pain of separation to create a healthy co-parenting relationship with my ex-wife, and showed how to lay the foundations for successful two-home parenting, including setting limits and respecting roles. (The title inspired my blog’s name.)
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie. Codependency is often associated with alcoholism, which isn’t a factor with me or my ex. But codependency is a common problem in any emotionally addictive relationship. Failure to get past power struggles is a major reason many relationships fail. If the struggle is rooted in codependency, it takes awareness and strength to break free.
The Art of Happiness, by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler. This book of Dalai Lama wisdom is different than the rest - it was co-written by a western psychologist. Eastern philosophies get explained in the context of American culture, which makes it a great introduction to Buddhism. The Dalai Lama says the purpose of life is to be happy, and the way to happiness is through compassion. For me, embracing this spiritual view of life has helped my relationships immensely.
Anatomy of the Spirit, by Caroline Myss, PhD. When painful emotions and psychological problems are not dealt with properly, they manifest as dis-ease in the body. This book helps you understand physical pain in a spiritual sense. It offers a nice introduction to the chakras, comparing them to Christian doctrines and the Kabbalah’s Tree of Life. (If nothing else, understanding the chakras can later help in your exploration of tantric sex. What’s not to like about that?)
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, by Eckhart Tolle. I lied – I didn’t read this during my divorce. I read his other book, The Power of Now. But I penned a review of A New Earth, so feel compelled to plug it again.
I’ve read tons more to help me heal after divorce including the Bhagavad Gita, the Tao, and books by authors like Thomas Moore, Rumi, Krishnamurti, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ken Wilber, Gary Zukav. And I listen to Tool; their lyrics are based on Jungian psychology and spirituality. I’m happy to discuss any of these in email, just send me a note.
The best divorce advice books are whatever resonate with you!
And now for some gratuitous video: the ending to Tool’s Parabola with swirling kundalini energy rising through the chakras and opening the third eye:
The song in its blissful ten minute entirety is 
here.
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July 29th, 2008
Posted in
books |
15 comments
Before we even met for coffee, 34 year-old SoCal Divorced Hottie let me know that she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. She was merely dipping her toe in the dating pool, looking for something low key.
She was new to online dating and had exchanged emails with only a handful of men. Most of them seemed creepy to her. She’d encountered guys who were married, guys with no social skills, and guys who sounded like players. She’d met two men who seemed all right, but upon meeting discovered they looked nothing like their ten-year-old photos. She was entirely skeptical of the internet dating process. (As she should be. Online dating sort of sucks.)
But apparently, I struck a good chord with her – I’m divorced like her, I live nearby, I grew up down south near Santa Barbara, I’m deeply involved with my kids. As long as I promised the photo I’d sent was recent, she’d meet me for coffee.
In eight years of divorce I’d become a bit of an online dating expert, and I knew not to get my hopes up too high. So I was pleasantly surprised to find her a) attractive, b) sane, c) sexy, d) nice. And she was pleased to find me better looking than my pic. We got along well and had no problem chatting. We were off to a great start.
After a while, she reiterated that she’s not ready for a relationship. She’d only recently divorced and was still processing painful emotions. I’d been there and done that, I knew how she felt. At least with her there were no kids, making the separation simpler. Still, she’d thought the man she’d married would some day father her children.
“I think I just need some really good rebound sex,” she said. “Something with no strings.”
Okay, then. I can’t say that’s what I had in mind when I met her for cappuccino. NSA sex (no strings attached) is essentially a one night stand, usually unfulfilling. But as a single dad who endures his share of dry spells, I had to admit I wasn’t opposed to the idea of helping her out.
We talked about the difficulties of modern dating – meeting other singles, finding someone you like, trusting and respecting your partner, practicing safe sex. She suggested she’d be open to hooking up with me sometime.
I can be pretty direct with women, especially when the door is thrown wide open for me to come galloping through.
“What are you doing right now?” I asked.
She blushed. “What did you have in mind?”
“We can go to my place.”
She smiled. “Okay.”
And just like that, I found myself enjoying some afternoon delight with a SoCal Divorced Hottie. (My kids were out of town, so there was no fear of you-know-what-us interruptus.)
I’ve experienced enough long-term, short-term, and casual relationships to understand the myriad feelings involved when two people get together. And I realize that as a single parent I tend to miss out on intimacy. When it lands in my lap, it’s a treat.
The problem was, afterwards she gave some really good cuddling.
I don’t hookup all that often, but it does happen and I’d grown accustomed to the get dressed quick and flee routine that many singles employ. When this woman snuggled right up and curled into me (very sex kitten-like with tons of feminine energy), it caught me by surprise. It felt like we were dating.
Seems she felt something too. When we said goodbye, she said she hoped to see me again. (Of course, maybe she simply felt better about leaving her ex. Rebound serves its purposes. And my misplaced feelings are a reminder that hookups are a bad idea.)
Still, a few nights later, in excellent modern dating form, I texted her.
How r u? I wrote.
Good. What r u doing? she wrote.
Hanging out. Wanna come over? We could have some fun. I wrote.
She didn’t reply.
In retrospect, my texting was probably too casual and sounded too much like a hookup, like I didn’t value her as anything more than a booty call partner. Granted, booty is what she wanted the first time, but that didn’t mean she wanted to think of herself that way. I let a week pass then emailed her, referring to something specific that was going on in her life. How did your presentation go? She wrote back and said it went great, and thanked me for asking.
What next? After all, she was the one who wanted rebound sex with no strings. Me suggesting any sort of follow-up date would have taken things further. Still, we got along great and the snuggling wes perfect. By treading lightly, respecting the fact that she didn’t want commitment, and keeping things low-key, maybe we’d find a happy medium between booty calls and serious dating.
At the very least there should be more skyrockets in flight. With cuddling.
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July 28th, 2008
Posted in
hookups |
27 comments
Vacationing on California’s central coast has reminded me I’m at an awkward age when women and their mothers can both be hot. I’ll turn my head for a 40-something mom one minute, then check out a 20-something daughter the next.
Which reminds me of a New Years Eve in Manhattan a few years ago. I was out on the town with friends, all of whom were coupled up (and none of whom were matchmakers.) Late in the evening I ventured alone into the restaurant bar. I sidled up to two attractive women and chatted them up over drinks. They looked so similar - their eyes, cheekbones, noses, smiles - I asked if they were sisters.
“Yes!” they said in unison, clearly pleased I’d made the connection.
But their grins and laughter hinted at something else. Turns out they were a 52 year-old mom and her 26 year-old daughter, born in Venezuela and living in New York. (Hey, it was dark, we’d been drinking, they swore their family never aged. Plus, the daughter confessed the mom had had some work done.)
They were both fun, flirty, and sexy. But the more we talked, the more I felt the daughter was more my type. She was educated and career minded, loved that I was a dad, and said she wanted a child of her own someday. (Something I was still entertaining a few years ago.) The mom, on the other hand, had been married four times, was long past dealing with children, hated work, and was used to being a kept woman.
From that point on, I made my moves on the daughter.
Problem was, the mom liked me a lot. And the daughter felt duty bound to make sure her mom’s happiness came first. (It might seem the daughter simply wasn’t attracted to me. But there were tons of guys trying to hit on her all night long, and she kept wrapping her arms around my neck, giving me kisses and hugs. Then again, maybe she was just drunk. Who cares? It was New Years, it was fun.)
On the dance floor, I pulled the daughter close and professed my undying love (okay, lust) to her and invited her to spend a week in California with me. (I’d blame that invitation on New Years drunkeness, but at my age, I figure we live in a global village. You work with what comes your way.)
The daughter loved the idea! She’d never been to California and really wanted to come out. But once again, she suggested I extend the invitation to her mom.
“Don’t you like my mom?” she asked.
“Sure,” I said. “But I like you more.”
“But my mom needs a man to take of her.”
“She’s already had four husbands. You need a man, too.” And I needed feminine energy in my life.
The daughter pressed close and placed her hands on my chest. She looked up at me with bedroom eyes. “You know,” she said, “I loved all my step-fathers very much. And I will love you, very much, too.” She raised a flirty eyebrow and flashed a knowing smile.
I got the feeling her step-fatherly love wasn’t platonic.
Perhaps I should focus on the in-between looking women, the ones with moms who are eighty, or daughters who are two. (Then again, a mom-daughter threesome might be fun… just kidding!)
Like I said, I’m at an awkward age.
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July 25th, 2008
Posted in
bar scene, dating, hookups, life, relationships, sex, single dads, single moms, single parents, single women |
17 comments
My kids and I were enjoying a glorious day at a San Diego beach. I was reading, they were boogie boarding, the sun was shining, I felt complete and content. When my son came over and asked if I wanted to go in the water, I said “sure.” I love body surfing with my kids, and I was more than ready to cool off.
But I worried - why was he alone?
My kids are 12 and 16, old enough to handle the waves without my constant watch, especially when there are other swimmers and boarders in the water and a lifeguard nearby. Plus, we always use the buddy system. We swim in pairs or threes and look for each other after every wave crashes. No one goes in the water alone.
“Where’s your sister?” I asked.
“She’s boogie boarding with a boy,” he said.
A boy? Interesting. I scanned the waves. Sure enough, there was my daughter with a boy around her age slowly paddling their boogie boards and chatting. I smiled. I knew this would happen at some point. She’s an attractive, confident, athletic girl who regularly turns heads.
But then it struck me how easy it had been for her to meet and flirt on the beach, and how hard it now is for me.
While I agree with SingleMomSeeking that a single-parent family can feel complete on its own, so much so that the kids and parent may not want the family to change with the introduction of a dating relation. I also know change is inevitable. Especially when romance is concerned. Kids grow up. Parents need to let go. Everyone deserves to end up with a partner.
When my kids were younger and just sticking a toe in the water, I had no problem chatting other moms up, especially when our children engaged each other in play. Granted, most of the time these moms were married, but sometimes they weren’t. Either way, the conversation was polite, like any two parents might make.
Now that my kids are teens and taking to the waves on their own, it’s harder for me to meet people on the beach. With no children by my side, I can’t approach a woman with younger kids and suggest a sand castle building instant-playdate. Hitting on someone cold can be awkward.
I got up from my towel and joined my son in the water. We body surfed until he got tired and left to skim board. As I headed for shore a woman smiled at me. She was in a bikini, standing in ankle deep water. Dark hair, olive skin, just my type. She was alone and didn’t seem to be watching over any kids.
I hesitated. A conversation would be easy enough to start. Great day, isn’t it? The waves are perfect. Are you heading out? But there was so much I didn’t know about her. Was she a mom? Was she single? How old was she? Twenties? Thirties? I’m forty-four. Did she live in San Diego? I was just visiting.
My son called out for me to watch him. He slid his skim board across the slick surface of the sand, jumped on it and expertly rode. I was truly impressed. I turned back to the woman, but she was moving away toward the deep, stepping gingerly into the ocean. Beyond her, my daughter was still out with the boy she’d met.
A wave crashed, the moment had passed. My son called for me to watch him again. The single-parent feeling of complete and content flickered back into existence. But I know it won’t last. At some point, a crashing wave will wash it away for good.
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July 23rd, 2008
Posted in
dating, family, life, relationships, single dads, single moms, single parents, vacation |
17 comments
Barf.
Vomit.
Toss cookies.
Throw up.
When too much good stuff (not to be confused with good food) goes into a twelve-year-old boy’s tummy, the result is easily guessed. Come join me as I wheel my Dad’s House mobile home over to the Silicon Valley Moms Blog today, and you can find out what really happened on our vacation.
By the way - did you know the word puke was invented by the Bard himself?
I’m referring, of course, to Ralph Shakespeare. (Er, I mean William.)
Click here for the post, What Goes Down Must Come Up.
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July 22nd, 2008
Posted in
children, family, life, parenting, single dads, vacation |
2 comments
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