How to Talk to Your Daughter About Sex
This advice comes about nine months too late for the Gloucester High teenage girls with the pregnancy pact, but there’s been enough reaction to what they did that I figured some prevention talk was in order.
As a single dad with a teenage daughter, I have first-hand experience in giving the talk to a girl. I told my preteen daughter about the birds and bees in explicit detail when she was a heading into sixth grade. This in response to news that local 6th-8th grade boys were persuading girls to perform oral sex on them in the school bathroom. (My daughter is now 16 and dating.)
My daughter and I talked for an hour. I wasn’t nervous, I remained calm and spoke openly. My candor eased her into having a real conversation with me.
1. Biology – I explained the reproductive system of men and women, building on whatever knowledge the school had given her. I asked leading questions to see what she knew, then wove in new information. I described intercourse. (I didn’t get into 
crazy monkey sex. I’ll leave that to Honey and Lance.)
2. Love – we talked about falling in love, getting married, caring unconditionally for another person, and how sex can enhance all that. Without getting into tantric sex, I explained that great sex can feel spiritual.
3. Enjoyment – sex feels good. If it didn’t, no one would procreate.
4. Entertainment – it’s possible to have sex for entertainment and fun, without being in love, and a lot of people do just that. It really helped having a visual aid for my daughter. I showed her the book Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both
5. STDs – some sexually transmitted diseases are passed through an exchange of fluids, and others from skin-to-skin contact. Safe sex, including condoms, is a must.
6. Peer pressure – we talked about how some people go along with the group, even if the choice is wrong. Locally, girls were told they had to give blowjobs if they wanted to hang out with the cool boys. Some were even promised the status of girlfriend. This gave the girls a sense of self-esteem that maybe they weren’t getting at school or at home. Problem was, the next day some of the boys turned a cold shoulder and moved on to their next conquest.
7. Oral – the boys in our local community were telling girls “it’s only a kiss, just not on the mouth.” So, yes, I explained to my daughter how oral sex is peformed. She was kind of grossed out (what eleven year old wouldn’t be?)
8. Parenting – I reminded her that having a kid changes the course of the rest of your life. Parenting is hugely rewarding, but also a giant responsibility. Let pregnancy happen when she’s ready for everything that goes with it.
My daughter asked great questions – Does it hurt? How old was I when I became sexually active? She called her aunt the next day with well-thought follow-ups.
The fact that I’m divorced and dating helped me relate. It also meant I felt a little awkward at times – like any normal adult, I usually have sex just for fun. Sometimes that’s with a Friend-With-Benefits or booty-call partner who I’m not in love with.
But I kept all the awkward feelings to myself. It was more important to arm my daughter with knowledge, and empower her to feel good about herself, enjoy sex when she’s ready, and become a mother on her own good time.
- Talking About Sex with a PreTeen Boy
- What a Dad Needs to Know About His Daughter
- Father Daughter Stories: Hitting the Pump
- Who Needs Protection? It’s Only a One Night Stand
- David Letterman Joke About Sarah Palin Daughter Bristol
- My Daughter’s On Facebook – Can I Still Join?
- Honey and Lance.com: How Much Sex Ed Are You Giving Your Kids?
- Miley Cyrus Boyfriend Justin Gaston Too Old? Nah…
- Miley Cyrus Sexy Vanity Fair Pics – She’s Younger Than My Daughter
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Comment by Lance
| July 2nd, 2008
Namaste! Thanks for the link love. Solid post too.
Question: did your daughter have a reaction when you talked about peer pressure? That’s probably the area I’m most interested in learning about, ie is peer pressure any different these days from when I was in school?
Comment by dadshouse
| July 2nd, 2008
My daughter is uncannily strong, self-confident, independent. So when I brought up peer pressure, she just nodded, she already knew that others succumb to it and she doesn’t.
It does exist, though. Not so much at her high school, it seems – kids there are pretty focused on getting into a good college. But there was some of it in elementary and junior high. I’m sure it’s different in different parts of the US.
Comment by Honey
| July 2nd, 2008
I put so much pressure on myself when I was in school (to do well so I could get a scholarship and afford to go to college and get the HELL out of my town) that I doubt I would have even noticed peer pressure. I learned about a year after I graduated that most of my friends drank (I’d never seen this at a party), and my high school sweetheart was content with hand-holding and the occasional french kiss.
I am an American anomaly.
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| July 2nd, 2008
Very open and honest post, thank you. I’m going to bookmark this for the near future.
You’re such a great parent to open the door, and let her know that she can talk to you… but I wonder about the reality.
Is your daughter dating? I imagine that she has gone out on “dates.” Does she share with you?
(I hope you know that I’m asking these questions from pure selfishness. I really do wonder how I’m going to deal…)
Comment by dadshouse
| July 2nd, 2008
My daughter and her friends go on co-ed group dates right now – cross-country runs (I guess that’s a date), movies, pizza. Nothing extreme. Which could be a worry – the teen years are a great time to invest emotionally in a serious crush/romance, and work on interpersonal relationship skills. But she just turned 16, I’m sure she and her friends will get there soon enough.
Comment by Single_M0M
| July 2nd, 2008
Great post David. Remind me again, please, how old your daughter is now. Have you had a “follow up” discussion with her now that she’s a bit older?
I have many questions for you as I am currently writing a curriculum to teach parents how to talk to their children about sex at different ages and stages of their lives.
As a female who’s lived through many interesting situations, I wonder how the conversation will be between dad and daughter when it comes time to have the “real” talk – when she’s dating and seriously considering becoming sexually active.
More questions to follow via email…
Comment by Honey
| July 2nd, 2008
My mom bought me a “What’s Happening to My Body?” book, and before I went out on dates my dad made me recite “the rules,” which were basically, “no drinking, no drugs, no sex.”
Beyond that, nothing was said about it until I got to college. When I was talking to my parents I told them I had a boyfriend. Practically in unison, they said, “go on the pill.”
End of discussion.
Comment by Rebs
| July 2nd, 2008
I’m curious…where did her mom come into the talk?
I’m co-parenting a preschooler with my ex-husband and have assumed that I would take care of the sex talk, so I’m pleased (and curious) to come across a guy who’s taken on that job with his daughter.
Did you and your ex agree on the talk beforehand? And why would your daughter call her aunt rather than her mom?
Comment by T
| July 2nd, 2008
Wow. I’m impressed. I really think many single dads are afraid of having this open discussion with their daughters. Good for you for opening the door to the discussion and letting her know she could come to you with honest questions. My girls are only 6 and 3 but this is good info to have. I appreciate you sharing with us!
Comment by dadshouse
| July 2nd, 2008
My daughter’s mom was uncomfortable talking about this topic with our daughter. I have no problem being open and candid. I did encourage the mom to at least open the lines of communication, but she wasn’t comfortable with it. So, I talked, and my daughter called the aunt.
My daughter is now 16, and she and her mom get along great and have their own things to talk about. But I’m not sure whether they’ve gone anywhere near the birds and bees.
I have talked to my daughter since our initial chat. For instance, when the condom posts came up on this blog and other blogs, I talked about it with her, letting her know that even amongst adults, different people have different opinions, and all I can do is explain the health and birth protection benefits of safe sex.
fyi – that post is here: http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/06/04/who-needs-protection-its-only-a-one-night-stand/
Comment by Kevin (ReturnToManliness)
| July 2nd, 2008
I read Lance’s post as well and it was a great post. Crazy monkey sex was indeed crazy.
I would have been nervous talking about what you talked about. It might be because I am new Dad and I can’t even think that far ahead, but again, talking through this stuff is the key to success. Thanks for the post
Comment by Lance
| July 3rd, 2008
Okay, so wanted to ask this question. I’m working on my sex ed model in my head and trying to think of exceptions to parents teaching their kids about sex.
One exception is this. Say you have a daughter who is a true “daddy’s girl.” She absolutely adores dad and wants to be given away at her wedding by dad. Her frame is that she wants to be thought of as “pure” by her father, and it’s critically important to the experience of her wedding that this remain intact, when in actuality she’s sexually active. My take in this case is that dad should NOT go overboard on the sex ed. If mom is in the picture, have her do the birds and the bees routine. If mom is OUT of the picture, I say designate a sex ed mentor, such as an aunt, or even a family friend female mentor. What do you think? Do you dispel this dream or find another option?
I know multiple young women who are in this situation.
Comment by The Exception
| July 3rd, 2008
Education, education, education!!! I am always stunned to hear some of the stories that kids hear, believe, and repeat mostly because their parents are uncomfortable discussing sex. Admittedly, it isn’t easy, but so necessary. Sex and parenting are wonderful experiences, but at the right time and maturity level.
It is nice to see a dad taking the lead in this discussion. I know plenty of dads who would rather hide their heads in the sand then admit that their daughters are maturing and could possibly be sexually active. (I should say parents as I know plenty of moms who cringe at the thought of teaching their kids about the birds and the bees… great book, BTW… It’s So Amazing) It is nice that your daughter feels comfortable talking to her aunt too – she has both sides of the story.
I wonder if this issue is as prevalent in other cultures – like Europe?
Comment by Kelly
| July 3rd, 2008
This is awesome. I STRONGLY feel that open communication combined with an open, and non-judgemental attitude really work as a parent.
My parents were always very open and honest with me, whether it be about drugs, alcohol, or sex. Told me about some of the mistakes they’ve made, and assured me that I could speak with them about anything I had a question or concern about.
When I first started having sex (when I was 18, nonetheless) I called my Mom right away to ask if she could contact our doctor at home for an appointment to discuss birth control.
You’re doing a good job, D. I’ve seen some parents just ignore the issue, hoping it’ll just go away. This NEVER works. :)
Comment by dadshouse
| July 3rd, 2008
Lance, your Daddy’s Girl question is a good one. I treat my daughter like a person, not a “kept woman”, so I probably fail in the Daddy’s Little Girl department. It always seemed to me that treating a girl like Daddy’s Princess would set her up for a non-equal-partner adult dating/marital relationship. But I could be wrong.
I personally don’t see the benefit to the daughter and dad pretending she’s a virgin when she’s actually a girl gone wild. Maybe some women can weigh in on this topic.
Comment by Tonya
| July 3rd, 2008
Completely agreed with you on the Daddy’s little princess comment. Just seems like a recipe for a future frustrated husband to me.
Comment by Lance
| July 3rd, 2008
Yeah, I get that in principle the daddy’s little girl thing is retarded, but I know about 30 girls who are a little wild behind closed doors, but they wanna be daddy’s girl when they’re in the family environment. I mean, it’s just a big part of their reality. Is it worth it to dispel that myth or is it better to just go around it?
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 4th, 2008
Lance is right. It happens quite often that the sexual kittens come out behind closed doors. And they especially want to hide that from daddy.
I don’t feel that teen pregnancy occurs because of lack of education. We are almost an over-educated society. Especially when it comes to worldly things. Perhaps we should be called the TMI nation!
It’s been my experience that young women who get pregnant do so for a few reasons. First off, they think they are all grown up in the sexual sense. Once they start getting “that kind” of attention from the opposite sex, it can be a heady experience and they can begin to bask in it. They learn to use sex in all the wrong ways.
Another reason is that they are just too young to realize what it means to get pregnant. Almost always, the only real horror associated with it is that they will have to tell their parents. Disappointing your parents this way is a huge fear to have realized.
But I truly believe that the main reason young women get pregnant in this current age is because the family unit has become all but nonexistent. And they want a family. I have deduced this from talking to a number of young women I’ve known who have become pregnant in the last couple of years. I consistently hear bizarre statements to the tune of “I am so excited to make my OWN family. A good one. A right one. A loving one.”
How to prevent teen pregnancy? You may as well ask me how to prevent war. The only real way is to form a police state. Apart from that, we are just going to have to do the best we can to teach our children to have a strong enough character to walk on the road less traveled. It has much more to do with this than it does to do with whether or not we’ve given them the “sex talk.”
Comment by dadshouse
| July 4th, 2008
Great insights, Teri. I agree that just educating kids isn’t enough. I think having a parent give the sex talk, though, builds on some of your other points. It shows the parent cares and is involved, and that helps build family.
Some of the sex-kittenish women I’ve met had less than meaningful relationships with their dad. As girls, they saw women use sexiness to get their dad’s attention. It’s not surprising these girls then grew up to be very sexy women who rely on sex to get the attention of men.
Like you said, family is key. Whether that’s a two-home family, a single parent family, a traditional family – what matters most is that the parents are present and involved, give love and genuinely care.
Comment by pajama momma
| July 4th, 2008
{{{shudder}}}
This is why I don’t have to talk to my children about sex.
Comment by Shannon
| July 7th, 2008
This was a fabulous post and your daughter is very blessed to have a Dad who was so open and honest with her. My daughter is almost nine and I’m nervous about these talks. So far, I’ve only given her what she asks. I think when she starts middle school in two years, I’ll have the talk with her in complete detail before hand.
My parents avoided talking about sex to me…it was just implicitly forbidden. As were drinking and drugs and really, even having a boyfriend. I think that tactic is entirely wrong. It’s much better to have your child willing to come to you and talk and accept that they are going to be curious. And maybe even try things. I just want to make sure she’s educated and aware of the pitfalls of things that “feel good” at that time, but have severe repercussions later. On that note, I will probably pound the first boy who breaks her heart. The End.
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| August 4th, 2008
I had the same experience in background growing up as Shannon. I am lucky that I had friends, who not only were open with my ignorant self, but who also had parents that were open to them and in turn me. So kudos to you, for keeping your daughter informed.
Comment by ShannonGB
| March 4th, 2009
Good pointers. Troubled parents should take a look at this before taking the awkward dive! I’m not sure what all the fuss is about but parents should not find it hard to talk to their kids about sex. It’s a natural part of life. Well, who knows, maybe I’m just desensitized, lol! I think most teens get into trouble with sex because it is something that really hyped everywhere and at the same time a bit taboo. It’s like a “Do Not Push The Red Button” sign. Talking to one’s kid about sex, I think, effectively kills this hype, which is a good thing.
ShannonGB´s last blog post..Child Safety Product Award of Excellence Given To InstantAmber by Safety Expert Pediatricians
Comment by anon
| March 15th, 2009
Just found this, but want to chime in: Many std’s can be contracted EVEN WHEN USING A CONDOM. Herpes, easily, because it’s on the SKIN AROUND the genitals. And others. DO YOUR HOMEWORK and TELL YOUR KIDS. These teens are passing diseases/viruses because we’ve told them a condom protects you! NO! We must tell them NOT ALL THE TIME! There’s always a risk!
Comment by Melifera
| March 27th, 2009
I just happened upon this posting, and what great timing. Today has been a day filled with important conversations with my daughter… AIDS, condoms, sex, responsibility… In fact, I’ve just left a posting about some of these conversations.
My kid is only seven, but with all the (wrong) info out there that she might run across, I feel that the earlier she is well-informed, the better. Like you, I take an honest approach, and don’t gloss over many topics.
I realize that your posting was from last year, but it’s still such an important topic.
Melifera´s last blog post..Buying an Obama condom and the conversation it started with my kid…
Comment by Kathleen
| May 3rd, 2009
Serious question here. Should you talk to your Tweens about masturbation when having the talk? I’m an RN and my tween thinks that everything she needs to know about sex she can learn from me. I believe she needs to take the family life class which is next week and then I can talk with her about what she learned and then add as needed to her base. We have been talking about puberty and such through the years as things came up. I don’t remember any discussion about masturbation when I was young and it seems that I like many others were probably embarrased when/if caught and felt like I might have been doing something wrong. But we all know its a normal thing to do and whether admitted or not everyone does it. Well most everyone. So to talk about it with tween/teen or not is my question. Please chime in male or female? Thanks much
Comment by dadshouse
| May 3rd, 2009
Kathleen – I’ll give two answers to that. First, I did talk to my daughter about masturbation when we discussed the biology of sex. At the time, boys around here (and perhaps everywhere?) were coaxing girls into performing oral sex on them, saying it wasn’t sex, it was just kissing. I wanted to arm my daughter against that, so I explained in biological terms the various ways that men and women can be sexually stimulated and aroused, including self manipulation.
I think you are asking about the emotional/pscyhological aspect of masturbation, i.e. that it is a normal healthy thing. We touched on that a bit, so she knows it’s not taboo. But honestly, I don’t know if this part of the discussion should come from a parent. My dad covered this topic when my brothers and I were growing up, and I remember it creeped me out hearing it from him. I tried very hard to approach this with my daughter in a non-creepy fashion.
Comment by Kathleen
| May 3rd, 2009
Thanks much David for the quick response. Last thing I want to do is creep her out. I just think it is one subject that seems to never get mentioned and really should. I will approach it from the viewpoint as it is another normal thing about sexuality and leave it at that. Let’s see what questions she has after class next week.
Comment by Paula
| June 24th, 2009
Still catching up on the old posts (do you get these age old added comments?)…
Did the same thing w/ my daughter. And her friends. While all the other parents screamed “Don’t have sex or I will KILL you,” I told all the girls the best reason to wait is so they aren’t allowing some guy to wack off on/in them (sounds nasty, but it’s true). Sex is for two, both parties should find pleasure. Meet someone who cares enough to know you should have fun too (girls were very impressed with this knowledge no one had bestowed upon them).
Second was the info on where to obatain free birth control/pill/condoms for when that “special” time came. And of course the VD thing.
Then I bought some excellent sex books (the kind with real photos but non-porno type pictures) and left them in hidden places I knew my daughter would stumble upon. We never discussed it, but I know she read them cover to cover.
She seems very happy in her 4 year relationship w/ the live in boyfriend. She doesn’t say much, but you can read them and see their sex life is good.
Comment by Jonathan
| September 26th, 2009
I think that talking about sex with our children is the best way to prepare them for any situation that comes their way.