Single Mom Seeking Shares a Child’s View on Dating and Partnership
David Mott is on vacation this week, but he left the keys to Dad’s House with some fabulous guest bloggers. Today, Single Mom Seeking’s Rachel Sarah visits the kid’s room…
If my kid had it her way, I’d never have a boyfriend. I’d never go on another date.
My daughter was seven months old when her father walked out and I became a single mom. At that point, I thought my life was over. At age 28, I’d concluded that men were the antagonists.
Well, that didn’t last long. One year later — when my ex clearly wasn’t returning from his European adventure — I was back in the game.
Dating with a toddler was easy-peasy. But as Dad’s House knows, as you get savvier, so do your kids. Also, since it’s just the two of us, Mae and I have quite a super-glue bond.
The last time I went on a date, eight-year-old Mae wanted to know:
- “Where are you going?”
- “Who are you going with?”
I hope that she’ll be honest with me when she’s a teen, like David’s kids. So, I try to model openness.
Me: “I’m going to out for dinner with a friend.”
Mae: “Which friend?”
Me: “His name is Mark–”
Mae: “How do know him?”
You get the picture.
This year in school, Mae’s teacher led a whole course in poetry, and Mae’s favorite style was haiku. If she was going to write a haiku about our future, I think it would go like this:
Mom, don’t get married
Our family is perfect
Just the way it is
Still, I never imagined my life like this. I was sure that I’d be deep into a long-term relationship by now. I’m turning 36 this month (July). I probably won’t have any more kids. But will I ever have a real partner?
The longer I do this — single parenting — the easier it gets. While I haven’t given up finding some strapping, easygoing, here’s-a-love-note-in-your-pocket kind of man, I’m not sure if I want to add a man to our little duo. Maybe my kid is right. Maybe our little family is perfect.
Maybe I just want a man after dark.
Let’s hear from you…. Do see marriage in your future? Or, do you simply want someone after hours?
Rachel Sarah
http://www.singlemomseeking.com/blog
Author of Single Mom Seeking: Play Dates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World (2007, Seal Press/Avalon).
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- You-Know-What-us Interruptus
- Who Needs Protection? It’s Only a One Night Stand
- Sirius Satellite Radio Features Sexy Single Moms Who Date
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Entries
Comment by heather
| July 14th, 2008
My daughter was also 7 months old when her father decided to take a walk. And the worst part was, I wanted to leave HIM before she was born, but thought I needed to stick it out for the baby. Ha.
Single parenting does get easier, but being alone doesn’t. I am happily married now, and fortunately, my daughter and husband get along fabulously. I wouldn’t have married him though if they didn’t.
Comment by peculiaroldbird
| July 14th, 2008
Okay, technically, you aren’t asking me this question (I think, anyway) because I’m married… BUT I imagine if I was a single momma… I’d just want someone to visit for the night - for a while. Then, and this is only because I trust my judgment in the character of men, I’d eventually want a life partner. My kids would always come first, though, through out my entire process of meeting, getting to know, and deciding on who I’d want to be with at any time for any reason. You know what they say, though, a happy mama makes a happy family. I’d just go with the flow of my needs and be extra thoughtful of my kids. Any man or woman who didn’t like my kids, would be out on their ass in a heart beat.
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| July 14th, 2008
Heather and Peculiar: Thanks for the advice… and the hopefulness! I think it’s kind of funny that Dad’s House attracts married mamas. “Funny” in a good way! I really appreciate your wisdom.
Comment by Teresa
| July 14th, 2008
Like you, I’ve been single parenting for close to a decade and now that my kids are older (10 and 15), there’s a weird pressure on dating. My daughter is younger and never has had a dad (he’s all sexdrugsrocknroll these days), so she’s been aching for mama to find a new hubby. I can’t do it for that reason alone. My son, having been through high school sex ed, never wants his mom to have anything physical to do with men. Never ever. So, I’ve got both sides. Personally, I feel like I’ve been partner-free long enough, but finding someone who fits is harder than finding a needle in a haystack. I keep going out on dates, hoping that someone will trip into my path and it will work out. Until then, we’re a happy threesome and that’s okay.
Comment by The Exception
| July 14th, 2008
My daughter doesn’t want me to marry nor does she want siblings though, in the end, I think both would be okay were they to happen. She is not comfortable with the idea of change; and the change would be huge. I don’t push the issue with her because I am not sure that I want a serious relationship or a marriage either right now. I enjoy the simple (what a word to use) life that we have now. I don’t feel that I have the energy to give to a man that I would like to give - the energy to invest what is required to build a intimate relationship.
That said, as I am now 2 months away from being closer to 40 than 35, I do find myself tiring of the “quick fix” and desiring more intimacy, not just physical, but the companionship as well. Perhaps the time hasn’t come yet, but it will. I just have to hope that there are still a few good men left!
Recently, a comment of my daughter’s peaked my interest. She is very concerned that her dad remain her dad - that another man is not confused to be her dad. She is also very sensitive to his feelings (her dads). This from a child who has never lived with her dad, spent the night at his house, nor does she see him more than a few hours a month by his choice. I wonder how many children don’t want their parents to marry/remarry due to the parent they don’t live with over the relationship with the parent they do?
The other question that I ask myself constantly is how to teach her bout love and how to expose her to a more “dad like” relationship if I do not marry or am not involved with a man intimately? I think the male influence is important, so what to do?
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| July 14th, 2008
Great questions, The Exception!
In my life, my father — as well as my step-father — have been the loving, constant, reliable men in her life. I also a few very good male friends. Good men are important, you’re right.
I’m curious about how other single moms work out this one. An uncle? Cousins? Good friends?
Teresa: that’s fascinating that each child has a different vision of the future… whew.
Comment by Legal Editor Mom
| July 14th, 2008
What an interesting and timely topic…My situation is simliar to The Exception’s. My daughter doesn’t want siblings, and she wants me to remarry ONLY if it’s to her dad. I had been seeing a guy for several months now, and she was OK with it, only because he’s an old friend of the family’s, and we keep it very, very casual and friendship-like around her. He doesn’t spend the night and no intimacy whatsoever is allowed whe she’s around. She thinks of him as a friend of both of ours and when something’s broken in the house, interestingly, she tells me I should call him.
Yet when her dad is around, she is deliriously happy and when I suggest going somewhere, she says, “Only if my dad can come.” The first time he came to see her after a few months, she asked him if he could spend the night! She’s crazy about him, despite the fact that he hasn’t been a constant in her life. It doesn’t help matters that he encourages the family talk by telling her that he loves “us,” isn’t it a nice little family “we” have, etc. I’ve told him repeatedly not to do this and get her hopes up for a reconciliation, but that falls on deaf ears. She’s so thrilled to have him around that I can’t see marrying or even being serious about anyone else right now until she’s a bit older. (My male friend talks about getting married all the time, but he’s definitely not the one.)
So for now it is not an option, and I’m ok. with that. I never really wanted anyone else to raise her besides her father. And because I date on occasion but don’t wish to get remarried any time soon. And, as SMS states, the longer I’m single, the easier it is. My ex, although not dependable and still working on his issues, is around IF I truly need him, but I’m content with our girls’ house and life as it is. It would be an adjustment to incorporate ANY man into our lives and our home, and right now, I’m just not interested! (I’m also not going to let my ex dictate any decisions that I make, should the situation change.)
I have a single girlfriend who’s raising her teenage daughter alone, and they have a super close relationship. I can easily see myself and Mini me just like that, down the road.
I’ve actually thought about a long-term mate after she’s gone away to college, if ever, and that’s just fine with me. In the meantime, I’m going to go out and have fun, and while my daughter is definitely my priority, I’m not going to deprive myself of anything that I want or need! ;-)
(My daughter is close to my dad, my stepdad, and fortunately there are a wealth of males in my family who dote on her. My rather large family on my mom’s side is 90% male and she calls all of my boy cousins “uncles.” So she’s definitely not lacking in that department, should her father fall off the wagon or disappear.)
Comment by Laura
| July 14th, 2008
I have actually been pondering this question recently! My kids father is in and out which is more annoying than him being absent!
We live with my folks so they have my dad - who is actually a better grandfather than he was father! And my brother is as involved as he can be not living nearby!
Right now I am actually perfectly content with “after hours”. Like you said the longer you do it the easier being a single parent becomes and I am not sure I have space for a husband!
So for today I am happy with Mr After Hours!
Comment by syd
| July 14th, 2008
Actually, this topic just came up with my 7-year-old daughter, when she overheard me talking with some friends about dating. Her dad and I divorced over 4 years ago, but our family structure has grown somewhat complicated since then. Anyway, she expressed her concern about me dating, and when asked why it would be weird for me to date, she said “because I already HAVE a step-mom.”
The response made us all laugh, but I think she was really trying to say that her family is complicated enough without adding yet another relationship to the mix. :-)
Comment by Monique
| July 14th, 2008
I’m still pregnant (37 weeks and ready to pop!) and think I’ll be a bit hesitant getting back into the dating game. Granted the father and I are in an untitled relationship that has spanned almost two years *rolling eyes* but I want something more stable. Some normalcy for my chil. I’ve had the after-hours type of friend but certainly don’t think I’m ready to deal with all the questions my child my pose. And trust, I know my child will be the inquistive one. LOL
Comment by Legal Editor Mom
| July 14th, 2008
Laura, the in and out of my ex is more annoying than him staying out, too! He wants to be a part of decisions now, but isn’t dependable enough to actually help with anything!! Everything was easier when he WASN’T around. But I am, of course, thankful that he’s attempting to be a part of our daughter’s life NOW, before she’s too big and doesn’t want to be bothered with him.
And both of my dads are better grandpas than they were fathers—I guess it’s the older and wiser theory, although they spoil her too much and laugh at her rudeness when they should be disciplining her! I love the “Mr. After Hours” designation. Here’s to those!!
Comment by GregPeckFan
| July 14th, 2008
I think we are binary about this entire issue. Is it wonderful to be a 2 parent family? YES, it can be wonderful! Does it have a downside? YES, it most certainly does. Is it wonderful to be a single mom? YES, sometimes it truly is. Does it have a downside? YES, definitely. Maybe all of the above can be true at the same time, it’s just shades of grey.
At this point, my singlemomness is down to a science. And it runs very smoothly. And I feel strong, and independent, and self-sufficient and intoxicated by my own capability sometimes. When I had a man, I took care of him too in many ways. Now - I don’t have that burden. So? If I ever get married again, I’m letting go of some things I’ve deeply loved about being alone. But, I know I will gain richness also because I’ve lived in that “married / coupled” space before. I remember how it felt to have someone there IN IT with you. It’s worth something.
I lost my husband abruptly. My kids were 5 and 10 months. We had been together a very long time prior to kids and we had a happy, solid marriage. I feel like I’ve had immersion in both worlds.
I am dating these past 7 months. And my son (3 now) is madly, madly in love with this guy. ( Thank God for earnest, open-hearted toddler boys craving male attention.) My daughter, nearly 8, still has a “meh…I can take it or leave it” attitude of indifference toward Mark. Does she WANT me to date? Uh…. I’m sure not! What’s in it for her, in the larger picture? She probably also wouldn’t want to brush her teeth, or see a dentist, or do homework either. “Dating” for me is long range investment and short range relief for mom.
And by the way, my daughter also flopped on the floor hysterically and bawled when her Dad and I went on a “date” while still married, or even kissed each other. “NOOOO YOU CANT KISS HER SHES *MY* MOMMY!!!”
Comment by whatmenthink
| July 14th, 2008
I’m not a single parent so I don’t have much to say. However, I must say that Rachel is a terrific writer. I’m interested in what she has to say even when it doesn’t pertain to me. A good sign.
Comment by Amy Nathan
| July 14th, 2008
I’m a single mom with two teenagers. My kids father (my ex) is dead. So there’s no dad and family is far away. I worry sometimes that I’m so entrenched in being the only parent and the only adult that I’m too set in my ways for a long-term serious relationship. I don’t want help raising my kids - I don’t want someone moving into “my” house. I can see living with someone or getting married when my kids are grown — and I’d like a best friend/lover/boyfriend in my life, but there would be a limit to it. We grow so accustomed to singlehood that coupledom seems odd, not the other way around.
I’m dating someone now and although it’s somewhat new, I knwo that in theory he is interested in marriage (although I won’t assume he’d ever be interested in marrying me) — because he has said so. He wants a life partner - a wife. I’m still dating him because we’re not at the point of having to choose to move forward or call it quits.
But someone just after dark? I’ve had that too and it lacks severely.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| July 15th, 2008
The Exception brings up a great point; kids do worry about someone “replacing” mom/dad, and even though we don’t see it that way, they do. And therein lies the rub …
My kid is not against me marrying again — once he even requested that I marry someone wealthy so I don’t have to struggle (and I’m sure he might have fantasized about what he might “get” out of that arrangement, too!). As if! Yet I don’t feel the need to do that again. I’m not looking to make babies — too old — and although I would like a life partner, the way we choose to have that partnership doesn’t have to look like the nuclear model of mom, dad, kid(s), dog, house, picket fence. But I realize that my age may be a big factor in that.
I would be very, very hesitant to shack up with someone while my kid’s still at home. I know people do it all the time — married or not — and I know people don’t do it well a lot of the time. That doesn’t mean I’m a sexual martyr; fortunately, his dad has him half of the time, thus I have freedom to play out whatever sex fantasies I have (oh, OK, they’re mostly fantasy. But still …) It’s important to gauge where your kid is developmentally, but also not live your life by that. Assuming you truly are picking the right partner, he/she would make your family (and his) be one in a healthy, loving, accepting and (most likely, very patient) way.
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| July 15th, 2008
Kat: You crack me up!
I appreciate what you say about what a life partnership might look like. After dating someone seriously for a year — when my daughter was 5 — we did shack up. It didn’t work out and I’m so fortunate that she amazingly flexible/resilient with the transition. But she’s older now (so am I!). We’re in a different place in our lives, I’ve let the white picket fence go (but she still wants a dog!).
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| July 15th, 2008
Amy: I really look forward to hearing about your new relationship. You go mama!
What Men Think: blush, blush. I read you, too, even though you’re not a single dad and your writing about Tom Lykus infuriates me…
Greg Peck Fan: I hear you about having single motherhood down to a science. For sure.
LEM: Here’s to “Mr. After Hours”… we’ll see.
Monique: Congratulations! Please keep us in touch.
Syd: Families these days CAN be so complicated, yes?
Laura: Thanks for that “Mr. After Hours”… coin that one.
Comment by Rebekah
| July 15th, 2008
I’ve been a single mom for less than half the time you have and when you say it gets easier I’m going to have to take your word for it. This past week has been hell.
And as much as I beleive my son and I would be fine without a long term man, I would love to get married again, I’d even love another child, but I feel like the longer I go without doing it… the slimmer my chances are.
My son never asks where I am going or with whom. He only cares about where he is going when I am out, his dad’s house, his grandma’s, or his aunt’s.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 15th, 2008
This is such a darling post. Ah, the children.
My son, at age twelve, would FREAK if a man even considered flirting with me. But he’s gotten past that. He didn’t want to. Although he does like seeing me happy. :)
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| July 15th, 2008
Rebekah, these changes in my maturing kid are very recent. Up until a year ago, she was only interested in herself… Hold true to what you want in life. Really. Wishing you the best.
Comment by Rebekah
| July 16th, 2008
Thank you!!!
Comment by mad cartoonist
| July 16th, 2008
My children’s father is living with his long-term GF–so, whew, my kids never ask about us getting back together.
But my kids do assume with every man I’m dating that he’ll quickly move in with us (like the GF did with their Dad). Yes, yes, I wait 6 months before introducing the guy I’m dating to my children. But still, there’s been a few. And my kids are clear that this disappoints them–they’d like to have a father-type living with us, it’s clear.
Comment by Hip_M0M
| July 21st, 2008
I keep asking myself this same question so it’s good to know that when I get to be 36 - and the answer is still not clear - that I won’t be alone in my situation.
My son is not yet 5 years old so I’m not in any hurry to change my situation. For now, after dark is just fine but I look forward to being pleasantly surprised when I find someone to spend time with at any time of day!
Thanks for the post, Rachel!
Comment by MAMMA
| July 29th, 2008
I am a single mom of a sweet and spunky seven year old girl. We have been on our own for the past 5 years after it became apparent that her dad and I were better friends/coparents than a couple. So, up until the past year (when she turned six)we were content as the two of us. Then, I decided to start dating and now, am happily engaged to a wonderful man. We are going through several adjustments in order to all be together. We have to move an hour away, change her school, sell our home and she’s having some minor issues with this but, for the most part she is a trooper and seems to be doing well. I was getting very comfortable with our duo and in some ways will actually be sad for things to change even though I know it is for the better. Besides regular contact with her father, she has had positive male role models with my dad, brother and my step father. Anyone else been through this same transition? any suggestions to making it a smooth transition?