Dating Tips for 40-Something Men
David Mott is on vacation this week, and guest bloggers have the keys to Dad’s House. The party continues today as Lance from HoneyAndLance.com hangs out at the pool and offers dating advice for 40-something men… (btw – if that brunette is still in the Dad’s House pool when I get home, she can stay for good – DM)
Since DM talks a fair amount about dating as a single parent, I thought I would try my hand at some dating tips aimed specifically at DM’s demographic, that is forty-something single men. Since I’m not a forty-something, this is partly based on what I understand about the principles of attraction, but also what I know from a few guys I’ve talked to. Much of this advice would work for a woman also (I think).
Before we start, I want to establish something right out of the gate. Forty-something men are usually looking to date younger women. Shocker, right? That’s a reality, and you can find overwhelming evidence on every online dating site where older guys post their preferred age range. If you’re a younger, attractive woman on one of these sites, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m not hating, I’m saying that’s the way it is.
Alrighty, here’s my advice for 40+ guys looking to snag/shag younger women.
Get a cool haircut. If you’ve got a dorky haircut, time to ditch it. Grow it out a bit, go to an expensive stylist and tell them you want to look cool. You don’t have to look like a rock star, but you certainly don’t want to look like the Geico rep either. This is an actionable item right now.
Get some cool threads. This one is huge. In your off hours, make sure you don’t dress like the high school physics teacher. Find a look that suits your body type and get clothes that flatter. Are you tall and thin? Try the long sleeved shirts from Express. If you’re the clean cut type, shop Banana Republic. Also, get a couple pairs of expensive jeans, like don’t be afraid to blow $150 or more on a pair. Also, buy some expensive shoes, again well over $100. Women notice this stuff immediately. Young women will see that you’re hip and with it. This is another actionable item.
Find Commonalities. This includes music, television, movies, websites, books, places to eat and go out, etc. Hey, if you’re going after the 28-year-old hottie and you’re 45, you better know who Incubus is when she starts telling you about their latest concert. Find out what the young chicks are into. If you’re woefully behind the times on music, I suggest spending an afternoon browsing Youtube vids or listening to Pandora.
Play sports or go to the gym. DM is in terrific shape so this doesn’t apply to him, but if you’re a forty-something and obese and balding, you’ve got no shot at the young babes unless you happen to also be a billionaire or Salman Rushdie. Get your butt to the gym and burn off the spare tire. You’ll look better, feel better, and be better positioned to attract any woman.
Be social. Can’t emphasize this enough. This means going to bars and social venues and interacting with the younger set. I would go further and try organizing parties at your house or forming a social group based around your interests. You’re never too old to throw a pool party on a Saturday afternoon or organize a cool dinner party. Don’t limit yourself to online dating…take charge and be a social organizer.
The great thing about throwing parties is that it gives you an excuse to talk to women. That’s right, go to a nice bar on a Friday night with your buds, open the hotties, and towards the end of the interaction invite them to the pool party you’re throwing at your pimp pad in two weeks. Get a number or a Myspace address while you’re at it. It’s much easier to number close if you have something of value to give the chick, that value being the great party you’re inviting her to.
Make a Myspace or Facebook page. It’s dawned on me in the last few months how relevant social networking is to dating, and how effective a good page can be. Race and Kelly, who specialize in social network game, say having a good Myspace page is like having a PR firm working for you 24/7. I totally agree. Get yourself an account, customize it, and put tons of good pictures on there. Not only will this help get you noticed, but it’s a great way to screen potential dates. It’s also easier to get someone’s Myspace info than getting a phone number.
Those are some of the basics to make you more attractive to younger women. Since you’re a 40+ guy, I’m assuming you’ve got your money handled and a solid place to live, which solves much of the social value problem. Keep in mind, chicks are looking for confident, ambitious, secure men, and you’ve already got that. Do the stuff above and you’ll be fun and cool too.
Ladies, do you agree or disagree?
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Comment by The Exception
| July 15th, 2008
Interesting.
Bottom line – confidence is attractive. It doesn’t matter how stylish you look if you don’t feel comfortable in your clothes. If you aren’t yourself in a pub or bar, then it will show. There is something inherently sexy and attractive about a man with confidence, in good health, and at ease with himself in a situation. Granted, cleanliness and such help, but bottom line… and probably why so many women read this site, is that DM is honest, well written, and confident. It all shines through.
But then again, I am probably not the 20 something trophy that the 40 something man is attempting to attract so, perhaps confidence doesn’t matter? Maybe it only matters to those of us older women (30 something’s) that are looking for more than money, looks, and status! ;) (And I might just be an exception. ;) )
Comment by Honey
| July 15th, 2008
I agree with this advice, PARTICULARLY with the clothes and haircut. The BF kind of has a dorky conservative haircut and uses WAY too much hairspray. I talked him into an expensive hairstylist and some styling pomade once, and he was like, “but I have to get my hair cut so much more frequently/it takes so much more effort to style!” Well, duh. Fortunately he already has me, but if you’re trying to date casually then it’s a much bigger deal.
Comment by Single Mom
| July 15th, 2008
I totally agree! I am a ‘younger’ single mom dating a 49 year old man. Yes, he’s funny, sweet, attentive, a great BF, but I am always harassing him about his nerdly haircut and clothes from yesteryear. And what’s with wearing the SAME pair of shoes every single day? New hot shoes are so attractive on men! I’m also going to get him some shorts that actually go all the way down to his knees. The mid thigh khakis have GOT TO GO!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 15th, 2008
I am sure this is all good advice. I mean, in general ~ can’t hurt.
I’m with The Exception regarding confidence being the MAIN thing. Although, I have no idea when thirty something started meaning older.
Personally, I’ve never really been with a man that I wanted to “dress” and “fix up.” I’m usually more into “undressing” and… doing something that includes the word “down,” rather than “up.” ;)
Comment by Lance
| July 15th, 2008
@all: I didn’t include confidence on this list because it’s a given IMO. I actually mentioned it in my last para. If you’re a forty-something guy and you’re lacking in confidence, you’ve got another whole set of problems.
The main issue I’ve seen with “older” guys trying to get “younger” women is that the guys just aren’t cool. They’re coming off as dad-like or too buttoned up. Like I said, you don’t have to be a rock star, but you do need a sense of style and you need to enjoy doing the things that the 20 and 30 set are doing.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| July 15th, 2008
Hmm, I’m never guided by “rules,” but I do know what I react to. A man has to be attractive (by my definition), fit, interested and interesting, genuine, kind, open-minded, smart, have a good sense of humor, be a man who likes himself AND women, and be a sensual, sexual and passionate person.
Tall order? It might seem so but, not really. However, that has often come wrapped in interesting packaging.
If if I made rules about the shoes and the clothes and the haircut or where I should meet him, I might have missed out.
Accept the person for who he is (not who you want him to be), but be clear about what it is you truly want. (um, is that a rule? Yikes!)
Comment by heather
| July 15th, 2008
It depends on what you’re looking for. If you WANT a younger woman, then give it a shot. Personally I’d be more embarassed by an older guy trying to be “trendy” than I would be by one looking and acting his age. If my husband tried to shop at American Eagle I’d kick his a$$.
And Facebook/Myspace are really for the younger crowd as far as socializing too. I learned this from my teenage daughter who gags whenever I talk about my new layout. I have an account to keep tabs on hers, not to find dates, but a friend of mine gets a lot of strange men trying to add her, and she makes fun of them a lot. Ignore me though, I am married and haven’t looked for a date in ten years.
Comment by The Exception
| July 15th, 2008
Just out of curiosity, would you give the same advice to 40 something women looking to date younger men?
I think that I understand what you are saying to men wanting to date younger women. I would like to believe that women deserve more credit than that though – that we are about the quality of the person over what he is wearing or his hair. That we might actually appreciate self assuredness over dressing like the latest celebrities. I went out with a 50 something man a few years ago. He was a great guy with a fun personality etc – and he followed your suggestions to a tee. He was much more aware of his clothes and the trends than was I, and cared more. Despite our common interests and conversation, he was still 15 plus years older than I and in a different generation and a different place in life. It didn’t matter what he wore, or his hair, or his being more up on pop culture. I am sure he attracted younger women, largely because he had money and it showed (another thing that didn’t interest me)
Comment by Lori W.
| July 15th, 2008
Your advice is pretty good IF you can keep up with it (younger lifestyle). It’s funny reading online dating sites. So many 50 to 40+ men want someone who is in their 20’s or mid-30’s, young, athletic, trim, fun, etc. etc. but their profile shows them as someone who is the opposite. We all would want someone in our lives who is fun, attractive, thin, younger but the reality is that there’s a limited pool. And are you truly interested in any of these things or just want to be with a younger hot woman. (Not that there’s anything wrong with just a physical relationship.) It’s a good time to be HONEST about yourself and what you want to do in your spare time.
I answered an ad for a gentleman who claimed to be 45 but after chatting with him and googling him, I discovered he was 55. He might be a nice guy but the fact that he lied about his age makes me wonder what else he lied about. And it’s not just him, I know a woman who claims to be 45 (she’s well over 50), average body size (definitely not) and 5′7″ (she’s almost 6 feet tall). No wonder she is not meeting anyone either.
I suppose I could try your advice and aim for a younger guy but to be honest, I’m not sure I want to be up on every new band, going out to bars, and doing research to keep up with new trends just to keep up with someone. It’s just hard when in my area, there’s a limited pool and so many of these guys want a thin, younger, pretty, 20-35 somethings. The funny thing is that the same guys are still there looking every day for someone.
I agree with The Exception; I really do look at the quality of the person rather than the outside. I also think men are more visual (and more pickier) about who they date than the women I know.
Comment by Lance
| July 15th, 2008
@Exception: I’m not an expert on cougar rules, but generally I think it’s the same. If you want to attract a younger, hawt dude, you’ll want to dress cool, look cool, project cool, and be social and fun. Helps to go to the venues where young single guys are hanging out. Come to think of it, it’s almost exactly the same! Might try Valerie Gibson’s book, Cougar, for more insight.
@Kat: Hey, me and every other guy on the planet would LOVE it if more chicks were like you, that is accepting of the guy for how he is. Does that actually work? Unfortunately, not. If you ask any “regular” guy on any dating site how many hits he gets from attractive women, the answer is always the same: none, or close to it. You need the BEST pictures and profile. You need to look cool and project cool. You need to stand out and be obviously able to connect. It’s the same as in real life.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 15th, 2008
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… so you are trying to give forty-something men a heads-up on how to get twenty-something women, eh? How to be The Fonz? :)
Hell, either you got it, or you don’t. That can’t be made to happen. Besides, it’s kinda hip to be square now.
If you are a young-spirited person (man or woman) younger people will be drawn to you. And they will find you attractive. If you are someone who is fighting against gravity and mortality by trying to latch onto your own personal “fountain of youth,” you are way off target and you will wind up looking foolish and like someone who is not even comfortable in their own skin.
It’s about life. It’s about living. It’s not about dating. Life breeds life. Go about wrapping your arms around the the very experience of it. The energy you exude will draw others who are present in their own lives. This strange distraction of the dating game is, I think, making it all sterile and formulatic. Which it is not. It should be surprising. Love, and every inch of it. Leave room for much of that.
I will say that in the short time I’ve read Dad’s blog, I have come to enjoy just who he is. But most of that is based on the fact that he is really grabbing hold of life. Not because he has learned how to be an attractive mate. Or because he has learned what women like to see a man wearing. Or because he has figured out some great opening lines. But because he is just a neat man.
Comment by The Exception
| July 15th, 2008
It isn’t fair to use internet dating as a means of judging acceptance of the average looking guy. I worked with a guy who is not physically appealing and yet, many a woman would have happily dated him because he is just an amazing guy. That said, you would never see that from his picture or a profile or probably even the way he dresses.
A 40 something man trying to be a 20 something is like a 40 something woman dressing like and acting like a 20 something – is that attractive?
(As for getting a younger man.. cleavage Lance. It just takes a very low cut neckline and a promise of a great night!)
Comment by lisaq
| July 16th, 2008
Someone was asking for a cougar? hehe…
Speaking as an older woman who dates younger men, I’d say the same rules generally apply. Older women are attracted to younger men for the same reason older men are attracted to younger women. And we know that to attract them, we have to be able to interact with them on the same level. We also know that if we walk in the club looking our moms, they’ll walk right on past.
The only thing that I would add to your list Lance is to lighten the hell up. Don’t take life so seriously. Have fun. If you’re all serious about your career and your life and aren’t spontaneous and fun, a younger woman isn’t going to give you a second glance. At least that’s why I’m attracted to younger men. ;)
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 16th, 2008
As an older woman (is 48 really older?) with a history of dating younger men, I have this to say. The main reason for younger men? They come after me. I don’t “try” to do anything different. I do spend a lot of time with people of all ages, which makes it easy to relate to me. And them easy for me to relate to. However, I’ve met many an immature older man and many a mature younger man. Numbers really have nothing to do with it.
Comment by mad cartoonist
| July 16th, 2008
Another “older woman” (47) who has dated a LOT of younger men recently. (I look young, and they do flock). Sure, younger men are eye candy, And woo, are they good in bed!
But after that excitement wears off, most end up boring me silly. It’s not their fault–that’s where they’re at in their lives. I’m just at a different place–one where I’ve already gone through the issues they are dealing with–so it’s hard to relate.
So I recently wised up and started saying “no”. And looking at men who I would have earlier dismissed as “too old” (actually, they’re more my age).
And surprise! The “old” guys are much more fun to talk to! They have some perspective on views other than their own! They’re over their early-career workaholicism! They like to go hiking or volunteer instead of spending most of their free time in sports bars! I likes it….!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 16th, 2008
Another strange thing… when I meet men in their fifties, they may talk to me, but not necessarily openly flirt. Once they find out my age is close to theirs, they go full-on with forward play. I am not sure why. I do look young for my age, so maybe they think I’m out of their league. Perhaps when they find out I’m in their “camp,” they feel less intimidated?
Comment by A Girlfriend
| July 17th, 2008
I am a 27 yr old dating a 43 yr old. (2 yrs!) I have to say that advice is all true…except for the last one. I think if he was actively on myspace (like I am) I would think he was trying to hard. And lucky for me, he has no interest for myspace. He hasn’t even ever asked to see my page!
Comment by Lance
| July 17th, 2008
I want to echo what Mad Cartoonist said except from a guy’s perspective. I totally agree with this…I’ve dated younger 20’s women and I think they’re hot, but generally they’re WAY too self-absorbed and immature for me to keep around for long. No life experience, nothing to talk about. Yes, enthusiastic in the sack, eye candy, blah blah, but it gets old. Maybe I’m getting old!
My new thing is dating 30-35 year old women, who are much more interesting and on the level.
I recently joined a sport & social club and there are several “older” single women, in the 40-50 age range, who happen to be very attractive. They’re super athletic, which appeals to me. I’m seriously considering gaming these girls up just to see what it would be like to shag a 45 year old! Lance goes cougar hunting!!
Comment by Lance
| July 17th, 2008
One more thing, I disagree about the knocks against social networking. Myspace might be for the younger demographic, but you can always get Facebook (which has an older demo), or any of the other social networking sites. Social networking is the cutting edge and will become much more prevalent in the future, like within 5-10 years from now. Doesn’t matter how old you are, get on there. Notice our presidential candidates have heavily leveraged these networks?
Hey, 5 years ago text messaging was non-existent in the US. Now everyone is doing it. Social networking is the next evolution of game.
Comment by The Exception
| July 17th, 2008
Social networking is the wave of the future, no doubt. Perhaps the trick is to be yourself and find a means of exuding that without coming across as trying to hard, being out of your league, or just weird.
Yesterday I found myself chatting with a 25 year old guy and thought of this post. Though just 10 years my junior, I suppose he could be considered younger. Other than missing a confidence that comes only through age and experience, I would never have known that the guy was just 25. After a certain point, I agree with the comment above, it is not about the numbers as much as it is the life lived, interests, and desires. Dress as young as you feel, try new hair styles, don’t be afraid to step outside the box and wear pants without pleats – but stay true to yourself whether it be in person, IM, My Space, Twitter…
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 17th, 2008
So true, TE.
Here’s what I’ve written about my experience with Myspace:
http://cathouseteri.blogspot.com/2007/09/cant-you-hear-angels-callin.html
Comment by Sassykaren
| July 17th, 2008
OK now the NY nickel from a 44 yo single mom. My kids are out of the house and I am thinking about the dating thing again. I call it a thing b/c that is what it is. I am attractive (so I have been told) I work out and play tennis. I am educated and work in a challenging job and working on my Masters. I have been on JDate, e-Harmony and match. Basically the outlook is bleak for me. Men my age want a 20 something trophy (hey guys, women in their 40 also rock in the sack – news flash amongst other benefits) When I encounter 25-35 yo men I get the “your way too old”. I think I will stick to plastic for now b/c dating is too complicated!
Comment by Lance
| July 17th, 2008
@Sassykaren: Dating is a bitch for everyone. Ain’t none of us single people getting off easy. Go with my last rule and that is BE SOCIAL. Go out every weekend, make sure you have a tight match profile, and keep talking to dudes. You’ll eventually find the right player who is into older chicks. Or a guy your age who is into gals his age!
Partners and dates don’t fall out of trees. You have to GO OUT to find them. I had to approach 1000 chicks before I started to see real results.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 17th, 2008
Seriously. Lance! Dating is not a bitch for everyone! I totally love it when I’m dating. It is nothing but a massive amount of fun for me.
Comment by Steve
| July 24th, 2008
Nice article. I prefer spending my money on shoes and nicer shirts as opposed to pricey jeans. Try to hard and you’ll send a totally different message and yes, confidence is king. One caveat to all. Be careful with Myspace, etc. They are so public and you have no idea what your “friends” might be saying about you in places you have no control. Not for the faint of heart. (I date women my own age, 38, though so what do I know)
Comment by RHM
| July 30th, 2008
Very solid advice. Check out my blog as well.
Comment by Ames
| November 30th, 2008
Well, I’m 27 and prefer guys in the 35-46-ish range. I don’t expect a guy in this place in life to be a pretty boy.
Actually what is attractive to me is the way older guys fill out and look like MEN—in the face, body, etc. A good haircut never hurts however!
Single Dad–where’s your e-mail address?
Comment by 40 Cougar looking 30
| December 7th, 2008
Oh, give me a break. Women are complicated beings,not TROPHIES, boys. You seem to be one of those 40 something guys looking for the 18-24, or 18 to 27 age group that DESERVE to have a good relationship.
You should see some of the “matches” I get by email. Guys posing in dark glasses, caps or hoodies who are 43 but don’t want anyone over 27. LOL. I love the winners posing in their Sunday best (Harley Davidson t-shirt). Oh, yeah,that will attract the ladies.
Women with any intelligence, class or character will not go to some guy’s house for a bud and a hot tub. LOL
Time to grow up, boys, and get over yourselves. No wonder why you can’t get classy women. Key word there: WOMEN.
P.S. Sorry your relationships with Mommy/Wifie/Girlfriend of the Week didn’t pan out. Maybe it’s time for some serious self-reflection.
Comment by 40 Cougar looking 30
| December 7th, 2008
If men over 40 say “your too old”, I would say, “you are too lazy, uneducated, and stupid for me, boy” or “lose 40 pounds, porky”, or “even 20 year old women have standards, baldy”…..
life is good. :)
Comment by dadshouse
| December 7th, 2008
Dear 40-something Cougar Looking 30 – not sure who your comment was addressed to. I’m the blog owner and I’m in my 40s, but the author of this post is younger (20s or 30s, I forget) Why the anger, calling men “boys”, and “baldie”, and “porky”? Name calling like that makes me think that maybe you’re the one who needs to grow up.
Perhaps your comment is just you projecting. Maybe you’re the one being rejected while looking for the weekly trophy boy. After all, it seems a real women in her 40s wouldn’t be wasting her time with any service where she receives emails from such sketchy and less-than-ideal men. And she wouldn’t be trying to convince the world she looks 30. What’s with that?
I have no time for haters or name callers. I prefer a woman who ages gracefully, and is happy and grateful for all the good in her life.
Comment by MindyMom
| December 8th, 2008
DM, you rock! Way to call that one out. Sorry, but it’s women like 40-something cougar that MAKE men want to date younger. Being 40-ish and acting bitter and scorned gives us all a bad rep and ruins it for those of us who are “aging gracefully” and “are happy and grateful” for the good in our lives.
MindyMom´s last blog post..There are Crumbs in My Bed
Comment by 40something
| November 19th, 2009
Hmm nice site…still testing the waters…
Comment by 40something
| November 19th, 2009
@MindyMom. True but not all 40 somthing are like that. I still look like Im in my late twenties from what I have been told.
Hard to find good relationships days…….