Rebound Sex Coffee Date
Before we even met for coffee, 34 year-old SoCal Divorced Hottie let me know that she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. She was merely dipping her toe in the dating pool, looking for something low key.
She was new to online dating and had exchanged emails with only a handful of men. Most of them seemed creepy to her. She’d encountered guys who were married, guys with no social skills, and guys who sounded like players. She’d met two men who seemed all right, but upon meeting discovered they looked nothing like their ten-year-old photos. She was entirely skeptical of the internet dating process. (As she should be. Online dating sort of sucks.)
But apparently, I struck a good chord with her – I’m divorced like her, I live nearby, I grew up down south near Santa Barbara, I’m deeply involved with my kids. As long as I promised the photo I’d sent was recent, she’d meet me for coffee.
In eight years of divorce I’d become a bit of an online dating expert, and I knew not to get my hopes up too high. So I was pleasantly surprised to find her a) attractive, b) sane, c) sexy, d) nice. And she was pleased to find me better looking than my pic. We got along well and had no problem chatting. We were off to a great start.
After a while, she reiterated that she’s not ready for a relationship. She’d only recently divorced and was still processing painful emotions. I’d been there and done that, I knew how she felt. At least with her there were no kids, making the separation simpler. Still, she’d thought the man she’d married would some day father her children.
“I think I just need some really good rebound sex,” she said. “Something with no strings.”
Okay, then. I can’t say that’s what I had in mind when I met her for cappuccino. NSA sex (no strings attached) is essentially a one night stand, usually unfulfilling. But as a single dad who endures his share of dry spells, I had to admit I wasn’t opposed to the idea of helping her out.
We talked about the difficulties of modern dating – meeting other singles, finding someone you like, trusting and respecting your partner, practicing safe sex. She suggested she’d be open to hooking up with me sometime.
I can be pretty direct with women, especially when the door is thrown wide open for me to come galloping through.
“What are you doing right now?” I asked.
She blushed. “What did you have in mind?”
“We can go to my place.”
She smiled. “Okay.”
And just like that, I found myself enjoying some afternoon delight with a SoCal Divorced Hottie. (My kids were out of town, so there was no fear of you-know-what-us interruptus.)
I’ve experienced enough long-term, short-term, and casual relationships to understand the myriad feelings involved when two people get together. And I realize that as a single parent I tend to miss out on intimacy. When it lands in my lap, it’s a treat.
The problem was, afterwards she gave some really good cuddling.
I don’t hookup all that often, but it does happen and I’d grown accustomed to the get dressed quick and flee routine that many singles employ. When this woman snuggled right up and curled into me (very sex kitten-like with tons of feminine energy), it caught me by surprise. It felt like we were dating.
Seems she felt something too. When we said goodbye, she said she hoped to see me again. (Of course, maybe she simply felt better about leaving her ex. Rebound serves its purposes. And my misplaced feelings are a reminder that hookups are a bad idea.)
Still, a few nights later, in excellent modern dating form, I texted her.
How r u? I wrote.
Good. What r u doing? she wrote.
Hanging out. Wanna come over? We could have some fun. I wrote.
She didn’t reply.
In retrospect, my texting was probably too casual and sounded too much like a hookup, like I didn’t value her as anything more than a booty call partner. Granted, booty is what she wanted the first time, but that didn’t mean she wanted to think of herself that way. I let a week pass then emailed her, referring to something specific that was going on in her life. How did your presentation go? She wrote back and said it went great, and thanked me for asking.
What next? After all, she was the one who wanted rebound sex with no strings. Me suggesting any sort of follow-up date would have taken things further. Still, we got along great and the snuggling wes perfect. By treading lightly, respecting the fact that she didn’t want commitment, and keeping things low-key, maybe we’d find a happy medium between booty calls and serious dating.
At the very least there should be more skyrockets in flight. With cuddling.
- Boys are the New Girls, Women are the New Men
- Coffee House Sexy Surprise
- Sexy and Funny Dating Stories
- Confessions of a Serial Online Dater, part 1 (Craigslist coffee date gone bad)
- Sex Toys Suck!
- Sexy Flirty Dirty Text Messages
- Nude in Chains (An Actual Date)
- Scarlett Johansson Hot in a Sexy Threesome
- Dirty Text Message Jokes
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Comment by vinomom
| July 28th, 2008
Hmmm, maybe despite her “NSA Sex” Declaration, things went better than she expected and was then disappointed when you texted her with Booty Call offer.
It might be worth a follow up email explaining your reasoning behind it. Something along the lines of, “I didn’t want to make you feel pressured by asking you out, but didn’t mean to come off like a Player” sort of email.
If you really like her that much.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| July 28th, 2008
Wow, interesting, I can totally relate. If you continue to “see” each other, it may be hard for you to both stay on the same page without one of you reaching a point where you want something more if you indeed had a good connection, on more than just a physical level. (that’s what happened to me) Just remember that when she says she’s not emotional available (”still processing painful emotions”) … she is NOT emotionally available, no matter how close the cuddling may make you feel towards her.
Ms. Single Momma had an excellent post about dating during the “rebound year” after a divorce that ties into this conversation… http://mssinglemama.wordpress.com/2008/07/25/the-rebound-year/
I have a totally different opinion/perspective about her lack of a response to your text, (and I could be wrong) I think she might not like you pursuing her with texts and emails, because that might feel like a relationship – but she would like to be the one to initiate contact with you when she wants to “see” you. She doesn’t want a relationship, but she would like some no-strings-attached hot lovin’ and you apparently fit the bill. This relationship will have to be on HER terms (she may want to dictate when and how often you get together), the question may be if YOU are alright with that! Hope my two cents helped… from one who’s been there.
Comment by Lance
| July 28th, 2008
I agree with comment #2, she’s only willing to hook up on her terms and when she wants it. It’s unfortunate that it works out that way, because she’s operating from a position of power, but what can you do? Live in abundance, really that’s the only thing. I’ve also noticed the booty call partners get horny about once a month or so, and that it’s very tied to their cycles.
Oh yeah, this supports my claim that when women want to get laid, a good man should give it to her, because it’s his job. DM was doing his duty as a red blooded male and should be commended.
Comment by pajama momma
| July 28th, 2008
Yep, I’m right there with cathouse teri on the “cum” word. It had the shudder affect.
Comment by dadshouse
| July 28th, 2008
Oh, the ‘cum’ is just text speak. Like the ‘r u’ that she and I both wrote. I think you’re overanalyzing – but if not, and out of this entire story that one little word spoiled the mood for the women here, then I need a spell checker on my cell phone!
And to tell the truth, I probably wrote ‘come’ when I texted her, and it got changed to ‘cum’ in this retelling. My texting abbreviations cum n go (sorry – come and go)
I agree this woman will not be a good dating partner since she has said she’s emotionally unavailable. So now she has the power to decide when we meet, and even is the one to initiate contact.
Doesn’t that make me a bit of an object? And how the heck am I supposed to woo a strong woman if I’m not supposed to contact her?
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 28th, 2008
[Editor's note: the original post used the word 'cum' in a text messaging line. I didn't want that one word to overshadow readers' reactions to the entire post, so I've since changed it to 'come'. Chances are when I texted this woman I wrote 'come' and I changed it to 'cum' in the retelling. Cathouse Teri's and PJ Mama's comments refer to the word choice of the original post.]
When a man uses “cum” that way, it is a total turn off to me. It vulgarizes everything. Just that little word. It made it clear that you wanted not to just to get together, but to f&#k. Now, it all my have been very clear that it was a NSA situation. But even the strongest of women want to know that they are being wooed. No one wants to feel too easy.
Comment by Lance
| July 28th, 2008
DM brings up a good point in his comment above. How do you flirt/woo a chick if she’s emotionally unavailable and you’re not supposed to flirt with her? The thing is, you really can’t, because she’s chosen to be unavailable until SHE really wants to get laid, which is only every so often. Again, this is why you want to have several girls in the pipeline so you don’t get hung up on this one chick. And yes, it makes you an object.
PUA’s with better skill than me might disagree, as they have the attitude that you can always hit the attraction point to get her interested in sex again. My experience has been very hit or miss in this area, and I think this gets into manipulation territory, so I shy away from it. My attitude here is just move on to girl(s) who want a more regular thing.
Best thing you can do here is maintain the connection and wait until she wants to hook up again.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| July 28th, 2008
DM – Yes, you are a sex object in this situation. (Don’t most guys aspire to that?) You just may have too much depth to pull it off. Or put it in as the case may be. lol!
I don’t think she wants to be wooed, as that would imply a relationship, she wants to be respected for someone who is asking for what she needs. She is a woman who is asking for sex –she just doesn’t want to feel like a slut for asking for it – thus the aversion to “cum” speak. I totally agree with #4 and #5!
Comment by Tonya
| July 28th, 2008
I was going to suggest Ms. Single Mama’s Rebound year post but someone beat me to it.
Yeah, that’s a toughie. I tried the rebound sex thing… thinking friends with benefits and when it went better than expected, I felt pressured by my friend to make it more. I said I wasn’t ready but the more often we were together, the more confused I felt. I started to feel like I was falling for him. Then, with all of the emotion in the way, we had a huge falling out and nearly lost the friendship.
In other words, it probably freaked her out too. Keep it casual. Try just being her friend and give her some space. If she wants to get together again, I have a feeling she’d reach out. But emotionally, I’d be afraid to go there with her. Its still too raw.
Comment by Shannon
| July 28th, 2008
I agree with Comment # 2. It’s a her terms only thing. I’ve actually done it. ;)
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 28th, 2008
Oh sorry, DM. I didn’t mean you should pursue this woman necessarily. I was just trying to give you some advice about your general cum-n-go text habits. I really think this woman is in a dangerous place, emotionally. She is not a good candidate. I would probably stay away from her. She is going to be confused about the whole f*@k buddy system. And that can’t be good.
As for the texting, I am very much averse to the “what r u doing” idea of things anyway. It’s just a pet peeve of mine.
I think it’s obvious that I am very open-minded, sexually. But in the online world, there are certain “tells” about men that put them on my bad side, if you will. The shortcut typing is one of them. And when they oft slip in the substitute of the word “cum” for “come” it just unnerves me. Like an innocent little mistake. Oopsie! Did I say cum? hehehehe
I’m up for swallowing a fair amount, but this one just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. ;)
Comment by The Exception
| July 28th, 2008
Take it for the wonderful experience it was and… let it go. If something else happens, great, if it doesn’t… you had a great time! I don’t know that it is worth all the time and analysis.
(Cuddling and NSA don’t really work together – cuddling muddies the waters regardless of how nice it feels and how things click)
Comment by vinomom
| July 28th, 2008
Since EVERYONE disagreed w/ my first comment, I just want to expand here, and I know I’m of a younger generation, but be that as it may, I’ve had tons of NSA back in my Party Days and I had a Friend w/ Benefits for almost 4 years. I really didn’t care if these guys called again or not BUT deep down I hoped one of them would want to get to know another side of me besides Sex.
And I don’t believe that whole Emotionally Unavailable thing, because what it really means is “Emotionally Unavailable, Except for the Right Person.” Not saying you’re him, DadsHouse, but I’m just seeing a totally different spin on this whole situation.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 28th, 2008
I think you are right on the mark, Vinomom. Many women say they want a no strings attached FB, but they often deep down wish there were more to it. This woman likely did that very thing, as you suggested. Which is why I suggested that she is confused about the whole idea. In fact, she’s emotionally a little too available. And yet not. Makes her dangerous in my book.
Comment by vinomom
| July 28th, 2008
Hmm good point Teri. The key is in being honest w/ yourself. Some women can’t handle NSA Sex, some women just try to front and SAY thats what they want to shield themselves from rejection, and then others are just confused about what they want in general. I suppose the last one is the most dangerous. They will be the most likely to flip it all around on you down the line.
Comment by dadshouse
| July 28th, 2008
Exception – yep, NSA and cuddling are a lethal mix. I think this experience reminded me that the cuddling part, the shared emotional intimacy, is the good part! i.e. I should chase after a real relationship rather than booty. (Though, as Lance points out, I was doing my duty as a red-blooded man. For her needs and my own)
Vinomom – actually, I totally agreed with your first comment. I think this woman ended up liking me, just as I liked her. It is a strange situation when you start off in bed then want to take it further/deeper (um, that sounded wrong and vaguely sexual. I meant take the relationship more seriously, beyond the physical to emotional and/or spiritual)
Teri – yep, she’s probably dangerous in that she doesn’t understand her emotional state or the wild swings it may be going through so fresh after a divorce.
I’m curious, though – no one suggested I’m emotionally dangerous for chasing booty. Is that because I’m a man? i..e. we are able to separate sex from love and emotion? Or because I’ve been divorced so long, I have my emotions under check.
Comment by vinomom
| July 28th, 2008
Maybe because you are so well-adjusted? :) I don’t know, I think Men are more easily able to separate Love and Sex, in fact I even agree w/ Lance that it IS your duty as a Man to take her up on her NSA Sex Offer. Plus you weren’t chasing, you were Reciprocating.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 28th, 2008
Being emotionally dangerous is not measured by how much someone is chasing booty. There could be a man or a woman who is not chasing booty at all, and there may be extreme red flags that say that person is NOT ready to be involved in any type of relationship, whether casual or otherwise.
I perceived this woman to be dangerous because she is in an unstable state. This shows in the way she went after you and protested (a little too much) about how she wants NO strings. And then balked at continuing the “fun.” It’s not fun for her. She’s wrestling with her demons. Just how deep her instability goes would take time to discern. But who needs to have more evidence? She’s unstable enough to stay away from.
Comment by Occam's Razor
| July 28th, 2008
All this oh-my-god-what-is-this-woman-thinking stuff might be patently unnecessary. What if DM is just really lousy in bed?
Comment by dadshouse
| July 28th, 2008
Occam’s Razor – touche! (I’m cracking up)
I can provide references, I swear! lol
Comment by vinomom
| July 28th, 2008
LMAO – We missed the obvious Occam’s Razor!
Comment by Me Thinks
| July 29th, 2008
I think you dove into inviting her over for sex without any real flirting. Definitely a turn-off to me, I want a guy that flirts with, even though sex may be all he’s after you still have to turn her on. And “cum” should be reserved for someone you are already having hot text-sex with, its not just an abbreviation!
Okay, I gotta say it. Please don’t take this the wrong way but… I totally wondered the same thing “what if the sex just wasn’t that great for her?”. If she’s been with the same partner for a long time, NSA sex with a stranger can be disappointing and sort of unpleasant. My personal experience with my current boyfriend- I really dug him, we had this amazing chemistry so I jumped into bed too fast with him. The sex was really pretty bad to me the first time, it was awkward and felt like we rushed into it. I might have just let him go but he pursued me right and I gave it another chance. Funny thing is I was so nervous on our next date after that, little did he know it was because I was worried the sex would be bad again. But it kept getting better and now the sex is fantastic, amazing, mind blowing good!
Anyway, a possibility and not necessarily a reflection on your abilities – she’s going through a lot now and she may want NSA but might not be cut out for it (I’ve BTDT too).
Comment by dadshouse
| July 29th, 2008
Me Thinks – maybe she got creeped out by the latex gloves. (I’m kidding! Go watch Animal House again, and you’ll get that joke)
You do have a point. Sleeping with someone new, especially after having just met them, nerves can make the sex less than incredible for some. It’s weird blogging about my own experience and then reading others conjecture – my male ego wants to stand up and shout that I’m friggin’ fabulous in bed, but the rest of me knows it really doesn’t matter. Though, any woman who wants first hand knowledge on this topic can schedule a coffee date with me. Hahaha!
Thanks for the insights!
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| July 29th, 2008
LOL! Watch out what you wish for!!
I kind of respect the mystery lady for following through with your proposition. It took balls on her part to go to a virtual stranger’s house and get naked. This whole post is so entertaining… but it’s got be a little weird when it’s all about your sex life. I was wondering when your ego was going to kick in!! Thanks for making me laugh!!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| July 30th, 2008
What the hell? I don’t have bad sex with anyone! And even if I did, I certainly wouldn’t spend any follow-up time in a great cuddle.
At any rate, Occam’s Razor (<<cute) is right in the sense that this ain’t rocket science. It didn’t work out. End of story.
If you’re looking to learn something, well I think we’ve already discussed that in email. ;)
Comment by Dating Advice For Men
| August 5th, 2008
Great information. Will love to read more. My subscribers would like this info as well.
Comment by Blondie
| September 22nd, 2008
Interesting how so many here are quick to condemn the woman as some sort of loony stalker or emotionally damaged type when it seems to me all she did was stay true to her words from day one.
She was honest and said she didn’t want a relationship from the get-go, said she just needed some rebound sex and she got it. Cool. You agreed and entered into this arrangement knowing full well the deal.
Now it seems you’re the one who is upset that she wasn’t bluffing and really doesn’t want anything more. Hello?
Now, WHO gets more emotionally involved in sex, eh?
Comment by PT-LawMom
| December 26th, 2008
I think that Cathouse Teri is right about that word. I had a webcam buddy who would get downright nasty online and on the phone but if he used it at the inception of a casual text conversation in the middle of the day, it would gross me out. At least make sure I’m in the mood first, buddy. ;)
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