I was recently asked what divorce advice books I read to help me cope with the end of my marriage. The answer might surprise you. While I did pick through several books written specifically for separating couples, I learned far more from books with a spiritual theme.
Here are the top self-help and spiritual books that helped me get on with life after divorce and enter into healthy relationships.
Mom’s House, Dad’s House
, by Isolina Ricci, PhD. This helped me get past the pain of separation to create a healthy co-parenting relationship with my ex-wife, and showed how to lay the foundations for successful two-home parenting, including setting limits and respecting roles. (The title inspired my blog’s name.)
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie. Codependency is often associated with alcoholism, which isn’t a factor with me or my ex. But codependency is a common problem in any emotionally addictive relationship. Failure to get past power struggles is a major reason many relationships fail. If the struggle is rooted in codependency, it takes awareness and strength to break free.
The Art of Happiness, by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler. This book of Dalai Lama wisdom is different than the rest – it was co-written by a western psychologist. Eastern philosophies get explained in the context of American culture, which makes it a great introduction to Buddhism. The Dalai Lama says the purpose of life is to be happy, and the way to happiness is through compassion. For me, embracing this spiritual view of life has helped my relationships immensely.
Anatomy of the Spirit, by Caroline Myss, PhD. When painful emotions and psychological problems are not dealt with properly, they manifest as dis-ease in the body. This book helps you understand physical pain in a spiritual sense. It offers a nice introduction to the chakras, comparing them to Christian doctrines and the Kabbalah’s Tree of Life. (If nothing else, understanding the chakras can later help in your exploration of tantric sex. What’s not to like about that?)
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, by Eckhart Tolle. I lied – I didn’t read this during my divorce. I read his other book, The Power of Now. But I penned a review of A New Earth, so feel compelled to plug it again.
I’ve read tons more to help me heal after divorce including the Bhagavad Gita, the Tao, and books by authors like Thomas Moore, Rumi, Krishnamurti, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ken Wilber, Gary Zukav. And I listen to Tool; their lyrics are based on Jungian psychology and spirituality. I’m happy to discuss any of these in email, just send me a note.
The best divorce advice books are whatever resonate with you!
And now for some gratuitous video: the ending to Tool’s Parabola with swirling kundalini energy rising through the chakras and opening the third eye:
The song in its blissful ten minute entirety is 
Tool Parabola youtube video.
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July 29th, 2008
Posted in
books |
Tags: advice books, coparenting, coping with divorce, dating, Eckhart Tolle, great books, Ken Wilber, Power of Now, relationship advice, relationships, self-help, separation advice, single dad, single dads, single moms, single parents, spirituality books, Tool Parabola, two-home parenting |
16 comments
Comment by mama llama
| July 29th, 2008
Extremely timely, your recommendations are much appreciated. This is a very scary step and yet necessary; as you recognize the Dalai Lama (distant cousin–he lost the double ‘L’) as believing that our purpose is to be happy, not to solely make others happy.
That plus the Ricci book might be good first reads in my case. My other issue is civility; how to be civil without giving the wrong impression of false hopes–but I suppose that is more his problem of interpretation than it is mine of trying to be civil. But my fear of creating in him false hopes makes me act cold, much colder than I ought to–and this cold attitude does not fit who I am.
Be well.
Comment by debra
| July 29th, 2008
Coming up on celebrating the 1 yr anniversary of my divorce, I still find reading others’ perspectives on not only relationships, but spirituality, like you’ve recommended, extremely helpful. In addition to these books….one of the most useful resources to me over the past several months has been your blog (and your emails). You offer incredible insight with such a calm, positive spirit. Thank you for that.
Comment by Shannon
| July 29th, 2008
First off, I love Tool. That song is just fabulous.
Second, I did the same as you-I read books that healed me spiritually so they weren’t necessarily about divorce. I really explored Buddhism during those first few years and it’s been something that has grown with me and taught me values that I am passing on to my little B. I’m excited to start my new job in a Catholic school, but am anxious to get some free time after the curriculum is developed to order some of the books you mentioned that I haven’t yet read.
Great list.
Comment by Tonya
| July 29th, 2008
Wonderful!! Just today, I was telling someone (and blogging about) one of my favorite post-marriage books, “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson. Marianne is an amazing teacher and inspiration.
I also love Anatomy of the Spirit by Myss.
I also read a book called Healing the Addictive Mind, by Lee Jampolsky. Again, it helped me to realize that we are all addicts in some form or another. With the ex, I focused on his addiction to many things including alcohol. As I read more, one line in particular stood out to me: “Those with addictions (and we all have them) are spiritually thirsty.” It helped me to get past some issues myself.
Great post and relates to my own post for today.
Comment by Tonya
| July 29th, 2008
I also want to add that I think it is healthy to look at ourselves post-marriage and see what needs to be healed. In some ways, our divorces/separations are our greatest blessings because they force us to look at ourselves and take responsibility. When you’re in a bad relationship, its so much easier to point the blame on your partner. When that partner is no longer there, the only person to point to is yourself.
I love Tolle and the Dalai Lama’s books too! It wasn’t until after the ex left that I finally began studying A Course in Miracles (Tolle’s inspiration as well) and it changed my life because I changed my mind about life!!
Thanks again for the inspiring post!
Comment by dadshouse
| July 29th, 2008
Mama Llama – cousins, you crack me up! Regarding civility and interpretation – one of the biggest lessons I learned from Buddhism is detachment. We each assign our own meaning to every thing, every action. Everyone’s perspective is their own. An amusing post from the Dad’s House kennel: My Golden Retriever is Smarter Than Your Honor Roll Student.
Debra – thanks!
Shannon – Tool rocks! I discovered them on a nearby high school radio station, and hated them at first. Their alt-metal edginess was for me an aquired taste. But their lyrics are amazing. I saw them live in Oakland a year ago. Great show.
Tonya – I’ll have to check those book recommendations out, they sound good. As for spiritually thirsty, Thomas Moore says similar things in his books like “Care of the Soul”. An obsession (or addictive behavior) is the sign of a soul crying out to be healed.
Also, I agree when you’re in a bad relationship it’s easier to point the finger at the partner. Often it’s best to take a deep look at ourselves and adjust our outlook. Eckhart Tolle is pretty good in giving specific ways to do this. In the Power of Now, there is no past or future, only the present moment. That’s your life being lived. Everything else is in your mind.
Great comments, all. Here’s more Tool, because they friggin’ rock – Aenima
Comment by mama llama
| July 29th, 2008
You know, I need to tell you that I found Mom’s House, Dad’s House at the library and started reading it–only into maybe 30 pages and it is extremely empowering. Even my children liked the front’s illustration and wants us to live like that–two houses separated by a tree. The Dalai L(l)ama’s book is not at my library, but I will special-order it. I may be purchasing this of Ricci. Thank you, Thank YOU, THANK YOU for your recommendations. You rock.
I’ll check out your link later this afternoon. Woof.
Be well.
Comment by dadshouse
| July 29th, 2008
Here’s a funny story regarding the Art of Happiness – the Dalai Lama was coming to town for a 3-day seminar that I was mildly interested in attending, if for no other reason than to hear a spiritual sage. Sort of like seeing Elvis.
I was shopping in my supermarket when I came across a huge bin of books at bargain basement prices. Strange, my supermarket NEVER sells books that way. There on top, marked down to a super save price, was the Dalai Lama’s compassionately smiling face on the cover of The Art of Happiness. I saw it as a sign.
I bought the book. I attended the seminar. But I struggled against his teachings – after all, his message is the opposite of what made me a Silicon Valley success. Over time, though, his message got through to me. Compassion is a bit more compelling than Silicon Valley materialism, egotism and greed.
Comment by Lance
| July 29th, 2008
I read a lot too to get over my relationship issues. Different from divorce, but no less significant. Here’s my list:
1. The Game, by Neil Strauss. Excellent entry point for people interested in attraction science and social artistry.
2. Double Your Dating, by David DeAngelo.
3. Way of the Superior Man & Blue Truth, both by David Deida. Both books had a profound affect on my perception of masculinity and relationships.
4. The Power of Now.
5. Transformations, a DVD product from Real Social Dynamics.
6. Listened to free video about relationship ownership and sex by Johnny Soporno. Again, changed my world view.
7. Reading zillions of blogs and forums, including this one.
Comment by The Exception
| July 29th, 2008
A Return to Love is definitely worth reading! I am sure that your kids have benefited from your reading and all that you have learned.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| July 29th, 2008
Thanks for the wonderful reading suggestions. My 3 year old son will be going on vacation with his dad the third week of August, so I’ll be sure to catch up on some valuable reading then!!
Two other books I thought I would mention that I’ve enjoyed reading are “Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex” by Julie Ross, and “Custody Chaos, Personal Peace: Sharing Custody with an EX Who Drives You Crazy” by Jeffrey Wittman. (Gee, can you tell what’s going on in my life?) Both of these book have you explore who you are and why you respond the way you do to certain situations – enlightening stuff as we take the journey of evolving as individuals and single parents!
Comment by Kat Wilder
| July 29th, 2008
For awhile, I think I read every friggin’ self-help book out there — to the point that Amazon was “suggesting” what I might be interested in next! Hey, I thought, Amazon you don’t really know me that well after all.
Then I realized reading is great, but having tools to change the behaviors were more helpful … and then, you have to do them!
And that’s generally the problem; we feel empowered reading the books and then do almost the same stuff with the next person. I didn’t really get my act together until I went on an intensive retreat for a week. Now I’m, well, perfect!
;-)
Comment by swngl.chick
| July 30th, 2008
I found Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford to be a very comforting and inspirational book on how to deal with the ending of relationships.
Comment by Hip_M0M
| July 30th, 2008
David,
I purchased many more books on divorce than I ever sat down to read. The ones that truly helped me were:
We’re Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents’ Divorce
by Constance Ahrons, PhD
The Good Divorce
by Constance Ahrons, PhD
Why Do I Love These People?: Honest and Amazing Stories of Real Families
by Po Bronson
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times
by Pema Chodron
Reconcilable Differences
by Cate Cochran
I reviewed some of these on my site but my favorite, thus far is the last one I mentioned. It focuses on several families who allowed me to change the way I look at divorce. I encourage everyone to read it!
Comment by Karen
| August 4th, 2008
One more for those who consider relationships, including their end, a pathway to spiritual growth: Check out the work of Paul and Layne Cutright (PaulandLayne.com). They have a huge library of books, audio, video, etc. On the home page itself is a brief bit of video on the 5 stages of relationship, the last of which is completion. It’s a great intro to their stuff and should give anyone who looks at it an idea of whether they want to investigate further.
Comment by Anamika
| November 30th, 2009
Great post! amazing to know that people turn to spirituality after divorce. But as its a transformational phase of life, I think, it is needed. To Pull your Ex Back is one way, other is to engross yourself in the divine.
Anamika´s last blog ..Get The Ex Back Who Dumped You – Tips For You