A Great Child Custody Schedule for Divorced Parents
In a heated divorce battle, child custody can be an emotionally charged subject. But once the dust settles, if the parents can put their own issues behind them and focus on the best interests of the children, the topic can become incredibly dry. In the end, it’s simply valuable information that several readers have asked for and I need to address. Trying to keep things light, I’ve pimped this post in typical Dad’s House style.
So fasten your seat belt and get ready for a rockin’ kick-ass custody schedule that any divorced parent living in the same town as their ex could use. (Feel free to pass it on to Madonna, Dr. Phil, Shania Twain, and other celebrity divorce couples. And if you can ignore my parenthetical attempts at humor, you’ll find some valuable tips here.)
My ex-wife and I share joint custody of our children. Through eight years of divorce, we’ve successfully used the same custody schedule for our two-home parenting. Since we have 50/50 custody and are both actively involved in our kids’ lives, we wanted a plan that allows each of us time with the kids every week. Here’s our plan. It works great. (Hear that, Madonna, Dr. Phil, and Shania Twain?)
Monday, Tuesday nights – kids are at mom’s house
Wednesday, Thursday nights – kids are at dad’s house
Friday, Saturday, Sunday nights – we alternate weekends
Transitions from one home to the other happen through school. For instance, on Tuesday night the kids sleep at their moms, and on Wednesday morning they go to school from her house. After school, they come to my house and sleep there Wednesday night. On Friday morning, or Monday after a weekend with me, they transition back to their mom’s. (If you and your ex are jet-setting celebs, always on-the-go, this won’t work.)
We liked this plan better than simply alternating weeks. By splitting each week down the middle, my ex-wife and I can sign up for scheduled activities at night, like a writing class or a running group. Also, on any given weeknight our friends and neighbors know which house the kids are staying in. That makes play dates and hanging out easier to plan. Plus, my availability for dates and booty calls is more predictable. (Thankfully, I don’t have paparazzi following me around.)
Clothing travels back and forth between homes, depending on what the kids wear to school. So do bikes and skateboards and backpacks. Toys stay in each home, so games are often different between mom’s house and dad’s house. Lesser used items like ski clothes and boogie boards are bought for them once and used by whichever parent is taking them to the snow or beach.
We swap major holidays – for instance, I get the kids for Thanksgiving in even numbered years. And we alternate summers for big vacation trips.
Birthdays and special occasions, however, are quite a different beast. And I’ve got the stories to prove. Blogging fodder for a future post, and something that won’t be so dry…
- Wouldn’t Both Single Parents Be Concerned About Their Children’s Health?
- Summer Lunch Date With My Son
- A Holiday Custody Schedule That Sucks
- How is Facebook Used by Single Parents?
- Birthday Traditions for Children of Divorce
- Should an Ex’s Significant Other Attend Kids Events?
- Great Books for Relationship and Divorce Advice
| 
Subscribe | © 2008-2010 David Mott, DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| August 12th, 2008
That actually is pretty clever. I am sure it makes it a lot easier for your kids too, since it is the same every week, unlike switching weeks. I also think is great how you both go to soccer games et, all.
Comment by debra
| August 12th, 2008
You guys live in the same neighborhood/school district, correct? That is my goal for the next couple of years, to find a way for both of us to be able to put him on or get him off the bus so that my son would have the option of spending nights during the week with Dad, instead of just every other weekend. Sounds like a great solution!
Comment by pajama momma
| August 12th, 2008
I’d like to get a divorce so I can have a break from my kids. I think I’m just ready for summer to end.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 12th, 2008
PJ Momma made me laugh. :)
This is a great plan. The trouble is that when you have two people who get a divorce, it’s often because they have trouble communicating while they are married. This trouble doesn’t end when they split. So the same miscommunications run rampant, along with strong emotions. I think this explains why this doesn’t happen more often.
Sure, it would be great if two people could put all differences aside and do all things in the interest of what is best for the kids. Just like it would be great if two people could just split up and go their separate ways, not falling into the trap of dragging each other through the emotional mire for years to come. But I once read that a divorce isn’t so simply explained as two people going their own ways. It’s one person being torn in two.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| August 12th, 2008
Thanks so much for sharing your schedule — if anyone else wants to share their successful parenting schedule, as well, that would be great!
My ex and I have been under an interim custody order for the past 2.75 years but we have a court date determining custody/final divorce coming up (yes, maybe I’ll FINALLY be getting divorced!!), so I’m curious to hear what works. Right now, I have my son fulltime except for 2 nights every other week, and during the day while I’m working. But I’m hoping we can work towards a more traditional shared parenting schedule. THANKS!! :)
Comment by mad cartoonist
| August 12th, 2008
That’s a good schedule for 50:50—I agree that predictability for both parents and children is a key to getting it to work well. I also agree–that making the pickup from school = most of the the “transitions” of the children between parents works very well.
You asked, so I’ll share our parenting agreement. I have full custody and our court-ordered parenting agreement is: My ex (who lives in the same town) has the kids from after school (or daycare) until the next morning on either Tues or Thurs, and we alternate weekends (beginning Fri after school, and ending Monday morning when we take the kids to their school). We alternate years for major holidays, and we each have 3 exclusive weeks in the summer with the kids, with one of us choosing the summer weeks “first” in alternate years.
In an additional wrinkle (added when he complained in court about his limited parenting time), my ex also has the children after school until 6 pm (when I get off work) on Tues or Thursdays when he doesn’t have the children overnight.
The schedule is mostly fine, except for the things you have noted: its confusing, and it makes it difficult to sign the kids up for serial meetings (things like cub scouts) unless these events always fall on either Monday or Wednesday nights. Unfortunately, my ex refuses to take the kids to their events himself, since he regards this as “encroaching” on his time with the children.
The other big problem is that my ex often tells me at the last minute that he “can’t take the kids” during his scheduled parenting time. This is especially bad when it is during one his afternoon parenting times, since I am supposed to be at work! I have to find emergency daycare, have the kids in my office with me, or skip out and leave work early. He also often flakes out on his parenting weekends, which isn’t so difficult logistically, but yes, now that you mention it, does interfere with my attempts to get some kind of a social life going for myself!
My ex, unfortunately, is neither reasonable nor cooperative about the parenting schedule (or anything, sadly). In fact, he tells me that since he is “paying me for taking care of the kids for him” (his interpretation of child support), I just have to suck it up and deal with his flakiness.
Which is what I’m doing, and probably will keep doing for the next 9 years. *sigh*
The alternative is to go back to court to i) either eliminate his afternoon parenting times or make him pay for scheduled daycare availability on all Tues and Thurs afternoons during those times for when he can’t take the kids himself, and ii) force him to take the kids to their scheduled events even if they do fall during his parenting times?
I cringe even thinking about going back to court even though I can probably afford it. The divorce was no picnic, as you can probably guess. You never know how legal proceedings will go, so I feel like it’s probably just a risk I shouldn’t take–it could be worse, right? Also, I keep hoping that our interactions will settle down into something more workable and easier for the kids to handle–and of course, if I initiated legal proceedings that would set that back. And you never know–I’ve heard rumors that he’s thinking of moving away, which would lead more painlessly to a reworking of our parenting agreement.
Any advice from other divorced parents out there with awkward parenting schedules and uncooperative co-parents? Is it worth trying to get it changed?
Comment by catherine
| August 12th, 2008
My ex and I have the same schedule–2-2-5-5. My girls are 5 and 7. It has worked really well.
Comment by The Exception
| August 12th, 2008
Your kids are very lucky I do believe. I have rarely experienced shared parenting that works as well as it appears to in your family – especially for more than a few years
Comment by Bekah
| August 12th, 2008
That schedule seems to work out pretty great for you guys. With our work schedules though things are a little different. IF ONLY I could work one job instead of two we could probably start something more like what you have.
Right now it’s the boy stays with his dad Saturday and Sunday night but he is with me Sundays from 9am until 4pm when I go to work. Monday after work I get him until Saturday afternoon when I go back to my second job. He pretty much has him weekends with the exception of Friday nights. But, he does get to see him almost daily as he gets him off the school bus before I even get out of work.
Plus whatever days I have to work doubles or if I have a business function he’ll take him pretty much no questions asked. What he does with him is another story entirely. He pretty much does nothing…. bah, but that’s a whole other blog post.
It’s always interesting to see how other divorced parents do things.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 12th, 2008
Mad Cartoonist ~ I just think your ex is having way too much control in de-stabilizing all of your lives. It is definitely worth going back to court to make changes that will not enable him to have that sort of power. And there is no reason to hope for change. Take the bull by the horns.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 12th, 2008
By the way, I would not take any of my advice. I have virtually no contact and no relationship with my ex.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| August 12th, 2008
All I will say is this: before the former hubby and I figured out who was going to live where, he and I moved in and out of the house so The Kid could stay put.
I was ALWAYS forgetting something or another — sneakers but no socks, bike but no helmet, bras but no panties (that actually worked out OK most of the time …) ;-)
And it sucked!
As my kid has often told me, shuffling back and forth makes him feel like he’s never really “home.”
And I get it.
Comment by Tonya
| August 12th, 2008
Wow! I love this! If the ex didn’t travel all the time with work, we could probably pull this off!
Your kids are lucky indeed!
Comment by QTMama
| August 12th, 2008
Love the schedule, Ex-DH and I do something very much the same. And it’s great!!
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| August 12th, 2008
You and your ex really are models for custody! Impressive.
I’m curious: do you use one of those shared online calendars to help you two stay coordinated? (like a Google calendar?) How do you keep track of, say, your kids’ sporting events, band concerts, friends’ birthday parties?….
Comment by Susan
| August 12th, 2008
Wow, that’s pretty similar to my and The Ex’s schedule and arrangements, including the traveling pants (had to use that phrase!) and the pick-ups and drop-offs at daycare in lieu of your school. We have an extra twist, though: we alternate M-Th nights, 2 nights at a time. Meaning, if I had the kids with me this weekend (beginning Friday evening), I drop them off at their daycare Monday morning, and then he picks them up from daycare Monday night, also Tuesday night, and then he drops them off Wednesday a.m. I pick them up Wednesday night, again Thursday night, drop off Friday a.m. and he gets them for the weekend and the rotation starts over. I’ve never heard anyone else with our arrangement (he thought it up, for better or worse!), but it’s worked for us. The main idea behind it was that the kids would not go more than 2-3 days without seeing the other parent. That was especially important to us when we first split b/c our children were very young.
Fortunately, it’s at a point now where we can be flexible if needed. I say, whatever works for people, do it!
Comment by dadshouse
| August 12th, 2008
Debra – yes, we live in the same neighborhood. We did that so our kids would have one set of friends and no commute. We have keys to each others’ houses in case the kids forgot something at the other parent’s house. Though the rule is to call first… else you risk You-know-what-us Interruptus
Cathouse Teri – you are, as always, very wise. I won’t pretend our situation is without flaws. The ex and I still have a twice yearly blowup at each other. But the dust always settles.
Mad Cartoonist – I agree with Teri, your ex has too much control over your life. I’m not sure whether a lawyer would fix that, or if you have to start asserting your right to have the custody schedule respected. I do think keeping records of when he skips custody is a good idea, in case you pursue legal action later. Also – sometimes just a strongly worded letter from an attorney can fix things, without going to court again.
Kat – my kids have full sets of important things at both homes, and they have access to the other home if they forgot something. Both my kids have said over the years that they actually like having two bedrooms, one in each home, because they decorate them differently, and they have slightly different priveleges in each house. Since the transition happens through school, and they walk or bike or skateboard, they don’t feel they are being shuttled.
SMS – nope, no technology other than email. We each keep our own calendars for kids’ events. There can be glitches, but it works most of the time.
Great comments, all!
Comment by dadshouse
| August 12th, 2008
Susan – sounds complicated! But if it works, great. We actually enjoy our arrangement with built-in stretches of 5 days with the kids, 5 days without. It adds variety. And for the single adult time, there are built-in opportunities for long weekends to take off without the kids. For instance, I can visit friends in NYC without hiccuping our custody schedule.
Comment by mama llama
| August 12th, 2008
That is kind of what my kids’ father and I have worked out, even though still in-house. One is clearly in charge of basic care of the children on some determined nights–the only glitch is that he does travel quite a bit for work, so I have to be flexible. Fortunately for all of us, I can be for the good of the kids. As you say, it seems to be the best arrangement now. When it comes to separating residences, the pre-fabricated plan that we’ve had in practice should help make transitions a bit easier…at least the concept won’t be so foreign.
Thanks for this post. Be well.
Comment by whatmenthink
| August 12th, 2008
Do your kids ever try to weasel out of things when they transition to the other parent’s house? (like homework, grounding, etc.)
Comment by dadshouse
| August 12th, 2008
Mama Llama – I did the separated under one roof thing, and it’s hard. But I think it does pave the way for two-home parenting.
WMT – yes! My kids definitely try to weasel out of punishments when they transition to the other house. Their mom and I try to stay in sync when something major goes down. As for school, one of them is self-motivated and does their work no matter what, the other isn’t. Probably typical for siblings.
Comment by Amy
| August 13th, 2008
Hi – my ex and i are both happily re-married, and our kiddo has been on a week/week schedule for years – works GREAT! It’s consistent for the child, for us when we were dating, and for our businesses now – we get along, so if we miss her, we just arrange to get her after school for an hour or so, or grab her for a bit on the weekend for lunch…she knows where her things are, what the rules and routine are, and where she’ll rest her head for a whole week.
– i have a step-son who gets bounced back and forth every day, and although they alternate weekends, he goes back to Mom’s house late afternoon every Sunday “to avoid Dad having to pick him up AND drop him off on Monday. Their reasoning is that it’s too difficult to have to get him to and from school with their busy work schedules, and they’d miss him. The parents are awesome with him and each other, the kid is happy and seems un-stressed. He’s such a great kid, it doesn’t inhibit my schedule in any way to have him every other day – but this drives me crazy! i only bring it up at the beginning and ending of each school year, as it seems a natural transition time…
It just doesn’t seem right to bounce him back and forth like that – and then they wonder why he’s spacey and un-organized, and have meetings with school counselors and his therapist, wondering about behavior and spaciness issues, but they don’t bring up the schedule. My hubbie initially agreed with me, saying he’d been thinking the same thing, but caved in as soon as his ex said it wouldn’t work with her schedule to go week/week. I’ve stressed that they get a professional opinion – everyone i’ve met has been shocked that they do this, and think it’s unfair to the 9-yr-old – even without my slanted opinion…has anyone heard anything to indicate that it’s bad or good to go day to day? really, if he’s happy and the folks get along- why care? -but i love this little guy, and i think life would be easier on him if he had more consistency..
Comment by katherine.
| August 13th, 2008
With my exhusband our schedule for our daughter was with dad every other weekend picking up from school on Thursdays and dropping off at school Monday morning. On the off week she was with Dad on Thursday night.
Easter and Thanksgiving were alternate years. Four weeks with Dad during summer to be scheduled by the end April.
Christmas…was complicated. Christmas Eve I went with my daughter to the outlaws at noon. I left her there around 3pm…when her Dad came with his wife. She came back to me by 10:30pm….and was with me until dinner time on Christmas Day. Four days later for her Birthday…she got to decide.
My other two kids are gifts…they are not mine by birth…and their father and I were never married. They each spent one night a week with me by themselves and another night with me together. They were with me everyother weekend…depending on sports schedules.
The real blessing…is when they can drive themselves between the two (or three) houses…and can decide for themselves how it all plays out. They are 26, 20, and 18 now…it gets easier….trust me.
Comment by supermom
| August 14th, 2008
I like that. Sounds like a good option. I hope I never have to find an option that works though. I’d hate to be without my kids for even a night
Comment by myles
| October 15th, 2008
I like the schedule also and its something i want to try.
Have any of you found that putting this schedule immediatly in place has caused the children emotional harm?
If you look at it, the kids dont see one parent for 5 days straight, and if you look at it again the kids only see one parent 2 nights out of nine days?
just looking for imput to a newly separtated couple with a 5 year old
Comment by dadshouse
| October 15th, 2008
Myles – my wife and I separated when our son was three. He did fine with the schedule I listed here. His mom and I did occasionally sneak in time with him so that those 5 day stretches were shorter. For instance, we’d both visit him at day care sometimes. Or we’d all show up at his big sister’s soccer games. But we stuck to the dinner/evening/sleeping part of the schedule.
We’ve been doing this schedule for 9 years now. My kids are happy and healthy and well adjusted. Not to say we didn’t have some speed bumps along the way.
We found the key was to put the needs of the kids first. Part of that is allowing them to see or talk to the other parent on non-custody days. Part of that is letting them feel safe and loved and secure no matter which home they were in. To that effect, my ex and I never bad-mouthed each other in front of the kids. We had our email rants at each other, but did our best to keep the kids out of it.
Comment by Marie
| December 3rd, 2008
I’m recently separated, going through a divorce and this is pretty close to our schedule with Friday being the exception to break up the 5-day stretch. I’m so torn about it though! My 5-year-olds (especially one) are having a hard time keeping straight where they’re going to be and ask when they are going to see me again. Their Dad says they ask him that too.
Making the right decisions for them is so hard to determine. I feel paralyzed.
Comment by dadshouse
| December 3rd, 2008
Marie – I agree it’s hard, wanting to do the right thing. My ex and I made sure we were always a phone call away. We could call them on nights we didn’t have custody, and they could call us. Plus, we see our kids more often due to after-school and weekend sports.
Reassuring our child that we loved them and will see them on a specific day seemed to work well for us. They figured out the schedule eventually. Having most transfers from one house to the other happen through school seemed to alleviate some of the sting of separation.
Comment by Peaches
| December 28th, 2008
I see clearly this would work except when the ex wife thinks every major holiday is hers and calls the police on the father. Realistically there are some mothers with mental issues suffering…it is called Parent Alienation and mommy needs help.
Comment by Honoree
| January 2nd, 2009
This would be a dream schedule. Its not “available” in my situation, but I encourage those who can make it work to make it work!!
Comment by Scott
| January 8th, 2009
I might be able to make this work, if I could ever get my ex- to even let me see my son…she thinks because I merely signed the birth certificate and wasn’t the father I should pay and not see…sux!
Comment by tony
| March 12th, 2009
i am currently going thru a divorce an found your blog a little over a month ago. you have what seems to be a good piont of veiw on alot of subjects and i always look forward to the next thing you write.it has given me perspective on some issuses that are in front of me now,like co parenting. i accutaly used your schedule as a model for what we currently do. we did modify it to suit or needs but it did eliminate alot of what if’s. another thing that you say is something i had never given any thought to is “life stages”.had i given this any thought in the past i may have saved myself alot of headaches.but on the flipside maybe no two people are ever at the same life stage.howelse would you exsplain such a high divorce rate? is it possible that for a lasting relationship one or the other has to be somewhat overly submissive.?.? who knows! ohwell just another twisted piont of veiw. any way thanks for all the good stuff you write.keep it coming.
Comment by dadshouse
| March 12th, 2009
Tony – glad this custody schedule helped you out. It really works great for us. Our kids are never confused which house they will be in.
As for life stages – you make a great point. Two people cannot possibly be at the same life stage for their entire lives. We all learn, evolve, and grow at different rates, and in different directions. The key, I think, to a lasting marriage is for the two individuals to love and accept each other, even when the other changes.
I blogged about this a bit in my post Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy. Look at that for the reference to Gary Zukav and the book Seat of the Soul.
Thanks for commenting! Glad to hear your point of view.
Comment by Allison
| March 19th, 2009
My older son’s father and I have a slightly odd visitation schedule set up, but we end up switching and accomodating eachother so much it seems to work for everyone involved. My six year old spends alot of quality time with his father. And, although, I get all the “work” time (dr visits, homework, etc), I also get plenty of fun time too. I’m lucky that my ex and I get along really well and can usually agree on what is best for our son, even if it is not what is best for us.
Comment by Jane
| March 29th, 2009
That’s a great idea, I think the hardest part is being without my child on the hollidays. But I agree, the swaping of those days is the only fair way to do it.
Comment by isaias leiva
| July 12th, 2009
I have recently crated a fathers rights advocacy group in facebook and I am looking for support, ideas and for people to share their experiences there. Please help and support. Thank you.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=129183435010
Comment by Sandy
| August 20th, 2009
What do you do on sick days?
If the child is home from school & after-school care and the other parent is to pick her up at then end of school/after-school care?
At what time is the other parent responsible to pick-up the child?
Comment by dadshouse
| August 20th, 2009
Sandy, I work from home, so if the kids are sick they often just stay with me regardless of who has custody. Their mom would pick them up from my house when she was home from work. When I was in an office, if the kids were sick they’d stay at their grandma’s house, which was nearby. It really helps having relatives in the area.
Comment by Mag
| August 28th, 2009
This seems very fair to both parents, I would like to see this in effect more.
Mag´s last blog ..Mahjong Titans Online
Comment by lostdaddy
| September 5th, 2009
Hi i have a 3 mounth old little girl and i take her about every weekend and im wondering is it good for her to be that young and go to and from like this
Comment by offload
| September 15th, 2009
I don’t know what my rights are in seeing my daughter.
My girlfriend and I have a 3 year old child together and recently I decided the relationship had to end. Her depression, anger and mean spirit have just ruined my happiness and I can’t allow our daughter to see us fight anymore.
When we found out we were pregnant I made her and her family a promise that I would take care of my girlfriend and my daughter and that they wouldn’t have to worry about anything. She wanted to be a stay at home mom and I supported her in that. I worked hard and busted my butt so that she could stay at home and raise our daughter. I’ve financially supported us all for over three years and now I think she’s holding that against me.
I haven’t talked to a lawyer or anyone because I want to believe that we can handle this out of court and the idea of someone else telling us how to raise our daughter kills me. Basically it comes down to this: I want half custody or as close as possible to it. I think a week on a week off is a bit hard on a three year old but something like a 4 day 3 day rotating kinda schedule would be ok. She feels that because she has been the stay at home mom all of the child’s life that it would be too hard on my daughter to be apart from her mommy that much. Her opening “offer” was that I should only get her every other weekend and maybe one over night during the week. To me that’s impossible. She did say I could come over and see her whenever I wanted but it’s important to me I get set days and set over nights. I am so very close with my daughter and have been as much an important part in her life as her mommy. What should I do? Is it too hard on a 3 year old to be away from her mommy too much? Is it traumatic to be split between 2 homes this early? What rights do I have? I just want what’s fair and best for my daughter. I think it’s fair that both parents get to see her equally but my girlfriend is convinced that being split between two homes is worse for our daughter and it’s better for her to live with her mommy most of the time.
What do I do?
Comment by Dual Mom
| October 25th, 2009
Hey Dad’s House, can I respond to offloads comment? I can? Why thank you very much! :)
Offload, my daughter had just turned 2 when her father and I split, we also had a 6 year old and 8 year old (both boys). I can tell you from personal experience, it’s not too young to have her share two homes. We seperated 9 years ago and initially started sharing the kids with the same arrangmenet as Dad’s House (we now do week about). It was harder on her older brothers than it was on her. How well she transitions will be completely dependant upon how well you and your ex react to the transition. Completely. You have every right to spend as much time with your daughter as her mother. Not alot of Mom’s agree with me on that and I expect I’ll get a shitload of hatemail for publicly saying it. Can I suggest showing her some blogs of parents who have this type of arrangement? Cheers!
Dual Mom´s last blog ..Communication Part Trois
Comment by Wes
| December 1st, 2009
My wife and I have been “separated under same roof” for just over a month now. We have communicated poorly for years and it finally got the better of her in particular. This is her idea. After realizing she was going to file, I went in a day ahead and filed first a couple weeks ago. I still have not given up on my last shred of hope, but after a month of trying to convince her to go to counseling, we are on a fast track towards divorce. I think our problems are the kind where counseling could help. I think couples with minor children should try everything to stay together and not put their kids through this.
We have decided on 50/50 custody, and came up with an almost identical plan for arranging our time with our three kids. Only difference is the Mon-Tues and Wed-Thr will alternate. I’d consider locking into either two weekdays, but not at first. Too many days apart from the kids is going to be too hard on any of us at first I think. We are still under the same roof, but have begun practicing the schedule to see how it works, and to kind of condition the kids to it.
Comment by SP
| February 6th, 2010
We are living under 1 roof until I finish my schooling and get a decent job so that we have more money to live seperately. I know that my daughter will not do well moving from home to home to home during the week or even on a weekend. I’m not sure what to do, it might be better to keep the family home and stay somewhere else while the other parent comes in. Has anyone else tried this?