Relationship Compatibility
You just met a hot guy or gal, and you’re wondering if that person is right for you. There are tons of factors that come into play (tons here clearly means five or six):
• Are you physically attracted to each other?
• Do you share common interests?
• Do you share common values?
• Do you conversate (I love that word) on the same level?
• Is there chemistry?
• Does she own a cat, and are you allergic?
If you’re lacking any one of these, you can still fake it and date. But there’s one compatibility factor that simply cannot be overlooked, even for the short term – relationship compatibility.
To wit: I dated a 30 year old surgeon a few years ago, and I was smitten. She was attractive, sexy, Stanford-educated. And no offense to the Executive Admins I’ve dated, but a surgeon’s lucrative earning potential would double the disposable income in this single dad’s household. (I’ll never marry for money, but if there’s money I won’t complain.)
We had tons of fun together – hanging out, going to dinner, camping, hiking, grabbing drinks, catching a summer flick, sleeping together from the third date on. But there was one major problem – she didn’t want to become an instant mom. We were at different life stages. While we got along well enough for a summer romance, we lacked relationship compatibility.
(When I asked why she bothered dating me at all, she said she enjoyed my company and she wanted to experience dating a man who had children.)
On the other side of the coin, I’ve dated women who got way too serious for my tastes. A recent girlfriend, for instance, became my booty call partner after we broke up. But she couldn’t shake the emotional attachment we once had, and she pressed to date again. The problem was, we both knew it wouldn’t work. I’m much older than her, getting ready to send my daughter to college in two years. She wanted to have her own kids ten years from now. (I could be a grandpa by then!) We were at different life stages. While we were great in bed together, we lacked relationship compatibility.
So the next time you meet someone who turns your head, sweeps you off your feet, grabs your butt without offending you, puts magical sexy tingles in your stomach – give yourself this little relationship compatibility test:
Are you at the same life stage?
Do you want the same things from a relationship?
Whether it’s sex, lust, love, or friendship, relationship compatibility is a must.
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- How to Marry a Millionaire
- Sexy Flirty Dirty Text Messages
- Myers-Briggs Love Sexy Personality Type
- Kid-Friendly Companionship With Benefits
- Three Mathematicians Go Into a Bar…
- Romantic Compatibility – On Paper
- Sexy and Funny Dating Stories
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Comment by The Exception
| August 14th, 2008
There are times I believe that it doesn’t matter how compatible two people might be or the power of the connection, it all boils down to timing. Timing is often that ace in the hole! Friendship might be a bit easier because it is less entangled. People can maintain and build friendships based on a genuine interest in the other person and acceptance.
But with love – it is all timing in the end!
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| August 14th, 2008
This is a really great piece of writing. We should all post it inside our mental lockers as we search for our forever partners. Meeting a few of the criteria may be enough for an enjoyable short term relationship, but you’re right, you really have to have everything PLUS the relationship compatibility (and deserve it no less) for it to work out well long term. Having just said adieu to a man who met everything but the last important piece of criteria, I can totally relate! Boo hoo.
It’s hard being single, but it would be even harder to face another divorce down the road.
Comment by Honey
| August 14th, 2008
I couldn’t agree more, DM. I dated guys in their 30s pretty exclusively for a long time because I felt they were more mature and had their life together more than guys my age. While that was true, those same guys all wanted to get married and have kids right away. I ended up with a guy exactly my age…took a while longer to find someone my age who was ambitious and had it together, but it was worth it!
Comment by katherine.
| August 14th, 2008
I am on the flip side of this coin….in my late 40’s and my kids are all adults 18-26. In this part of the world most men my age have much younger children. I wouldn’t mind a relationship which included teenagers….but it would take a very special man to lure me into step-mommy-hood with little ones at this stage.
The single fathers I know thru my kids are for the most part just a tad too old for my taste.
My Mama thinks I am too picky….smile.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 14th, 2008
One very important key ingredient to a thriving relationship is how you communicate during times of stress. This could be outside stress, personal stress, or stress that has developed between you. But you really discover during those times whether or not this union can weather the inevitable storms of a life together. (This is why time is your friend when deciding on a long-term partner.)
And then there’s Kevin Bacon’s advice on maintaining a healthy relationship:
Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty!
Now THERE is a mouthful! ;)
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| August 14th, 2008
Oh, you so hit the nail on the head there! I never thought about life stages until I was in a relationship where it was obvious that we were living life on two different time lines. It is funny how things you never think about, can become the one to break the axle on the relationship wagon.
Comment by mama llama
| August 14th, 2008
Good post. Ah…20/20 hindsight is a marvelous thing, isn’t it? At least for those who learn from their errors.
Be well.
Comment by Tonya
| August 14th, 2008
This post almost reminds me of Lisa Kudrow’s character in P.S. I love you. She always had questions right up front. Hilarious stuff.
Yeah, its when we date the ones who don’t work out that we realize all the things we should’ve thought about up front. But hey, at least you had a good time right?!
Never regret anything that once made you smile. (Or come. Yeah, I said it.) ;)
Comment by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon
| August 14th, 2008
Ok, I’ve been there. I’ve dated for all the right reasons — gorgeous, smart, funny, independent and self-assured women. But the formula changed when I had a kid. I slipped once or twice, but it’s just gotta be about the kid when he or she comes into the picture. And the “I wanted to date a guy who had a kid” reason just pisses me off.
Just my two cents.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| August 14th, 2008
Dating is always better when we’re clear about what we want, regardless of our age and circumstance.
Looking to get married? Gotta weed out the booty calls.
Looking to have booty calls? Be honest about it, and whoever hangs around is in on it, too. Enjoy!
Got kids and want to have a relationship but no more kids? Gotta look for someone who wants the same.
I think we could all save ourselves a little heartache if we named it from the get-go, instead of trying to shoehorn people we have chemistry with into something they don’t want, and vice versa.
Or, instead of trying to replicate what we had — man, women, kids, house, car, dog — we create new ways of being with someone. I believe you can still have an intimate, loving monogamous relationship that doesn’t look like a 1960s family TV sitcom. Just a thought …
Comment by lisaq
| August 15th, 2008
Oh so true! I dated a guy who had never been married and had no kids but still wanted them. My youngest was a senior in high school then. Starting over with more babies was the last thing on Earth I wanted. You’ve got to be in the same place. And Kat Wilder is right…you have to know from the beginning.
Comment by QTMama
| August 15th, 2008
Great Post DH. Seriously. Having just started seeing someone myself, I am now wondering at what life stage he’s in. GREAT. Thanks. ;)
Comment by orangeninja76
| August 15th, 2008
Very good advice.
Great post!
Comment by Lance
| August 17th, 2008
DM, nice post. Perhaps a little unfortunately, I think you have to be practical minded about your relationships, almost to the point where the pragmatism trumps everything else. As we get older it’s seems to get harder to find compatibility with anyone as our lives complicate.