When Dirty Text Messages Turn Clean
Who are you?
So read a text message I received from a woman I’d slept with a month before. Our first date at a coffee house had turned into booty in bed. Turns out she was a newly divorced woman and wanted rebound sex. As a single dad in between dating relationships, I’d been happy to oblige.
And now she can’t remember who I am? WTF? Perhaps she didn’t keep booty call details in her cell phone address book. But why was she texting now? My follow-up emails, phone calls, and dirty text messages to her had gotten me nowhere. Dad’s House readers suggested this woman was in a dangerous place emotionally, and I should forget her and move on. In hindsight, it’s great advice, given the lack of relationship compatibility she and I have. We’re simply at different life stages.
But when an attractive lover texts you out of the blue, it’s hard not to entertain thoughts of more sex. Especially when the sex had been good.
I wrote back, I’m David. We hooked up after coffee a few weeks back. How are you?
As soon as I pressed send, I regretted responding. I suddenly wondered if it was really her. Maybe she wasn’t divorced, only separated, and her angry husband found all my messages on her phone. Or worse, maybe she was still married. I didn’t need a shotgun ending to this affair.
She texted back, I’m good. Watching Olympics. You?
I pictured her at home, bored, flipping through old text messages on her phone. Of course, if she was contacting me at night like this, I wanted to assume she was looking to get laid. (Guys think like that. Forget that just one text message prior, she hadn’t remembered who I was.)
Dad’s House readers suggested that women should initiate contact in a booty call relationship. It’s empowering to them, they don’t feel objectified. Maybe this was her time of the month for sex. Okay, I wouldn’t bring it up. Rather than dirty text messages, I’d send sweet text messages.
I texted, Just hanging out. Long time no see!
She wrote, I was in Colorado visiting my sister.
We continued swapping clean text messages. I was a gentleman, and I really was curious what she’d been up to the past month. Why we texted rather than phoned and talked is a mystery, but follows a modern pattern. Dating singles these days seem to prefer text and instant messages to actual conversation.
At some point, I politely pressed for more. U in a mood to hang out?
That opened the door for her to invite me over. She wrote back, I’m staying in. I’ll call you later in the week.
Last time I texted with her, dirty text messages failed to turn up the heat. This time, clean text messages fell flat, as well. Occam’s razor suggests that she won’t sleep with me again because she thought I was bad in bed. (I’m not. But there’s no youtube video to prove it. You’ll just have to take my word. Or maybe I can get some testimonials and referrals. Ha!)
At any rate, it seems best to just let this one drift. Next time she texts to see what I’m up to, I won’t text back. Partly because I’m tired of the texting game she’s playing. And partly because maybe I want and deserve more from a relationship than just booty.
- Rude Text Messages are Nicer Than This
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- Dirty Text Message Jokes
- Flirty Text Messages on Craigslist
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Comment by Beth
| August 15th, 2008
I love getting dirty text messages from a boyfriend. From a guy I just met? I prefer clean. The situation you describe is different – not boyfriend, sort of just met, but did sleep together. I’m guessing she wants attention and even some validation, but feels uncomfortable with no strings sex. She did it once but that doesn’t mean she wants it again. I think you’re better off chasing and getting chased by other women.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| August 15th, 2008
This supports my theory that:
1. Women like to be treated like princesses even if they act like wildcats in heat behind closed doors.
2. Yes!! You DO deserve more from a relationship than GOOD TEXT
3. This woman may have Alzheimers
Comment by orangeninja76
| August 15th, 2008
There’s no youtube video to prove it…
That cracked me up. I’m guessing it’s something you can work on if you really want the proof! Lol.
I totally love getting dirty texts from the guy I am seeing. It puts a huge smile on my face and makes me think about what might be coming later. Anticipation is key!
Comment by The Exception
| August 15th, 2008
The flirtatious, fun, and sexy texts are a hit with me, but… I have to admit that there is a time and a place. If both singles are alone why not just pick up the phone and chat? It can be equally, if not more, fun to flirt via voice. But then, I am old fashioned!! ;)
Comment by Tonya
| August 15th, 2008
Yes you do deserve more. But that advice comes from someone who can’t handle the emptiness a booty call.
Isn’t it funny when it seems like sex would fulfill some sort of need but yet it still seems that fulfillment escapes us? Maybe we do need more than that after all. I prefer when sex feels like a connection to the universe not just a physical sensation. I get the feeling you do too.
I don’t get the game she’s playing either. It seems to me that the person you want to be around would be more honest than that.
And you deserve that too.
Comment by katherine.
| August 15th, 2008
I received a dirty text once while in a meeting…I must have really smiled cause when I looked up everyone around the was smirking at me…I am sure I blushed bright red…but its way fun to play on text..
Seriously…I think you oughta post up a couple testimonials…since its not on youtube…letters of reference, and the like…just so we know for sure.
Comment by Susan
| August 15th, 2008
Oh, I’d forget her and move on. At the very least you deserve better texting, but certainly you deserve someone who is engaged and interested in…something with you. And certainly someone who remembers you and your great time together!
Comment by Honey
| August 15th, 2008
Well I also think you deserve more than to sleep with a girl who doesn’t even remember who you are. Ha!
@katherine, the testimonials are a good idea. Perhaps Lance will ask me to write him one, someday. Though he claims to be much improved since those days ;-)
Comment by lisaq
| August 15th, 2008
I’m with Honey. You definitely deserve more than a girl who has forgotten you! Sheesh! I mean really?
And seriously, who really forgets someone they’ve had sex with a month before? Have there been that many that she can’t keep track? Even a year before seems a stretch to me (then again I don’t even need to use all of the fingers on one hand). A decade? Maybe, but a month? Sheesh!
Comment by laurakim123
| August 15th, 2008
Seriously dude if a guy cant remember me then he wont get an sms back – clean or dirty!
Maybe she wasnt sure you would remember so wanted to see how/if you would respond? Ok never mind that its a pretty lame excuse!
Dirty smses are pretty hot foreplay though!!!!
But I also reckon next time (cos there will be a next time) dont respond!
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| August 16th, 2008
You know, I don’t think she actually forgot who you were. I’ve played that game before. You remember who he is, and that you did w/e and you feel lonely. You don’t want to seem desperate, but you want the contact open in case you are feeling restless or lonely. M guy friends do it too – send random msgs to girls out of the blue, just to still “be in touch” if they want to tap into that connection later. And by saying “Who are you?”, she feels she has it all = the upper hand of being oh,so unavailable she can’t remember who you are, and she also gets to open a line of communication with you. Now, we know that might not be true, but that’s what it feels like to her.
The other explanation is that your name is pretty common. She might just be wondering which David you were – that person you met at work function, or conference, or the cute guy u met a coffee house ;), or the tutor… For example, I am looking at my phone right now and wondering, “Who in the world is Daniel?” I have no recollection of meeting a Daniel around here…
Comment by loriann
| August 16th, 2008
“Maybe I want and deserve more from a relationship”? I wonder if that is truly the case. As a frequent reader of Kat’s I’ve read your comments with interest. I always love a man’s perspective. Curiosity got the best of me and I gave your blog a look see. Seems the majority of your energy goes into booty calls, wine country one nighter’s and cuddle buddy sessions. All signs point to a man more interested in play, which certainly is wonderful and has it’s place. “Maybe” being the operative word ~ Do you truly want a relationship? Just curious.
Comment by The Exception
| August 16th, 2008
@loriann – What little I know about DH leads me to believe that he is like so many of us, seeking and wanting the intimacy and the connection (the committed relationship) and yet, due to location, circumstances, and priorities, that partner has yet to happen. So, make the best of the situation and enjoy a booty call now and again! (Not to mention that these all could have happened over the past eight years and not during the past month – and the topic is one that draws commentary and interests many)
Comment by dadshouse
| August 16th, 2008
Hi Loriann – thanks for checking out the blog. I think your timing landed you in a series of booty call posts. Those are a very small part of what I write about here. Please have a look inside the naviation tabs (Dating, Hookups, Divorce, Family, Recipes, Misc) at page top to see the diversity of topics here, and how little booty plays a role. Plus, look for my next post which I hope will address your point in more detail.
New World Yankee – wow, great insight. I think you might be on to something with regard to text messages and the dating world.
Great comments, all!
Comment by loriann
| August 16th, 2008
The Exception ~ I understand seeking and wanting. I too, am 8 years post divorce. In that time I’ve had many dates and one 4 year LTR ~ my only sexual partner since divorce. I love sex, intimacy, cuddling and the joy of being in a relationship. But for me, speaking only for myself, a booty call or a FWB relationship/friendship isn’t enough. I realize my thinking is not the norm. I could hook up an hour from now, although fun, it would be simply a physical release. I want and deserve more and so I shall remain circumstantially celibate.
Dadshouse ~ I realized there was more to you than the casual dalliances. As I wrote before, I love a man’s perspective. I think it’s great that you are an attentive Dad and fully engaged in your children’s lives. Something I, personally, find attractive. I look forward to your post.
Comment by pajama momma
| August 16th, 2008
I’m hearing the psycho siren here. she’s a killer rabbit! run away! run away!
Comment by mama llama
| August 17th, 2008
Hi there:
I have enjoyed these posts. I don’t feel qualified to comment as I am not at that point yet.
But I heard a song called “Booty Call” yesterday at a big family reunion happening right across the street. As I cut my watermelon and cooked my sausages for dinner last night, I snickered, danced and thought of you! (haha)
Have an enjoyable Sunday. Be well.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 17th, 2008
If you deserve more (and I agree wholheartedly that you do), then why do you keep settling for less?
I think it’s time you got off the booty call wagon.
Comment by dadshouse
| August 17th, 2008
Mama Llama – too funny!
Teri – great point. I think anything you enjoy and need is hard to quit cold, especially when there’s no replacement. If a smoker knows cigarettes are bad, why do they keep smoking? Or if someone is trying to lose weight, why do they keep eating dessert?
Loriann – I get what you’re saying, and don’t know how you do it. When you refer to hooking up as a physical release, I wonder “what’s wrong with that?” I know, sex is best when there’s an emotional and spiritual connection. But that can exist in a booty call partner, especially if you see them more than one time.
THAT SAID – I’d rather have a girlfriend! And my antenna are up to find her. (Or maybe she’ll appear with the next random text message I receive.)
Comment by Occam's Razor
| August 17th, 2008
Damn. You drew me out again.
Theory 1: Not only are you bad in bed, you’re forgettable.
Theory 2: The bitch is a total whack job, and you should change your locks. She could be peering in your window… right… now.
And, DM, all kidding aside, you should consider the notion that Loriann and Teri are on to something. When you find your next soulmate, what do you think her reaction will be when she comes to know one tenth of what’s written in this blog? And she will. It’s a small world, and she’ll find out. And if you evade reasonable questions, or provide bluff answers about your history and habits, or refuse to let her meet your friends because you’re scared of what they may let slip, she’ll likely get second thoughts about you very quickly.
I’m a guy, so I can’t say for sure, but my guess is that your behavior is perfectly okay with women wanting to hook up for a night, but the sort of woman you claim to be looking for is not going to believe that you’re a really caring, honest, sensitive, perceptive soul who just happens to audition potential soulmates by hopping into bed. For the sort of woman with whom you (again, claim to be) looking to fall in love, my guess is that the emotional trust and connection should come before the sweaty sticky stuff. Sometimes that takes more than three dates, damn it all. And while an occasional one night stand is cool, the general pattern you’re setting here is unlikely to be appreciated or respected by the mythical woman of your dreams.
And I wouldn’t think of trying to play it off as marketing either. “Hey, baby, sex sells, and I’m trying to get my books published.” The only problem with that is, if the stories are true, then you’re lying to her. If the stories are truly false (ha! I love appropriate oxymorons!), then you’ve been lying to your entire readership. Either way, my guess is, you won’t be able to see her for dust.
If I were you, I’d start thinking a bit about what’s most important. Your attempts to make this blog an entertaining and effective marketing tool and your need to feel wanted by someone, even if it’s just for one night, may be getting in the way of finding love again. Loriann and Teri are starting to question whether your behavior is at cross-purposes with your stated goals. If they only know you through this blog as opposed to in real life, that should serve as a huge flashing red warning sign to you. If you can’t fool casual readers, there’s no way you’ll be able to fool someone with whom you’re trying to rebuild your life.
My honest hope is that this blog is total entertainment-and-marketing bullshit, and that you’re happily married or re-married as we speak.
Be well, chief. If your blog is for real, you can swallow this advice or spit it out.
Comment by dadshouse
| August 17th, 2008
Occam’s Razor – well written response! The stories here are true. I’m not writing a diary and don’t pretend to tell everything that goes on in my life. Also, the stories didn’t all happen this past week. I’ve been divorced 8 years and have much to draw on. (Though the texting woman here is recent. And I agree she’s a little off.) I do tend to write about the more entertaining and culturally relevant experiences I’ve been through (see Pulitzer-winner Laura Sessions Stepp’s book “Unhooked” that I’ve blogged about before.) In fact, I rarely write about dates gone good, mainly for privacy reasons.
I’m not worried about what a potential soulmate thinks about my blog. I’m not looking to marry anyone from the evangelical right. That I’ve had some one night stands in eight years of divorce makes me no different than a lot of other divorced people. And in blogging about those experiences, I am relating to people who feel similarly unfulfilled. I’ve also blogged quite a bit about the positive aspects of relationships, raising kids, feminine energy, self awareness. Readers tend to latch onto the booty calls and forget the rest.
I do want to find a significant other. In the first few years post-divorce, I almost remarried twice. In more recent years, I’ve entered lighter relatonships. But it’s not all booty – last year I dated a woman (monogomously) for about 6 months. No one wants to hear about that. As Tolstoy said, Happy families are all alike.
Comment by Lance
| August 17th, 2008
@Occam’s: What’s wrong with writing about single life and all the dirty details that come with it? We’re all just trying to make sense of this dating and love thing. DM is doing a good thing by giving value to other people.
@DM: You’re on the right track, next this girl. She doesn’t seem worth your time.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| August 17th, 2008
I thought I would leave my 2 cents after reading Occam’s razor’s comments. Everyone has a history — but as soon as you enter into a relationship with someone, the only thing that is important is the present. It wouldn’t turn me off to know that a potential partner has had a healthy sex drive and has had the guts to write about it. Why would that be a negative?
It’s obvious that DM is monogamous minded. From what he writes, it sounds like as soon as he begins a serious relationship with someone, the booty calls would end. (Perhaps to his readers’ dismay, me included – truth be told, I look forward to the spicy stories!)
And I’d probably appreciate it if every potential partner I met came with such a well documented past. Overall DM sounds like a straight shooter, not a game player.
Also, who’s to say that having sex on a first date wouldn’t eventually turn into a fulfilling marriage? Yes, it’s rare, but it has happened to 2 of my friends, who’ve both been married for years…
Just thought I would play the Devil’s Advocate.
Comment by BlueBella
| August 17th, 2008
Oh wow I just popped over here from Single Mom Seeking . . .I had no idea :) Glad to have found you . . .now I’ve got some back reading to do!
As for today’s post – from a woman who’s lived in these shoes a bit I would think this gal was feeling lonely and trying to send out her ‘feelers’ to make herself feel better about possible booty calls, just wasn’t in the mood to connect ATM. . . not that I’ve ever done that or anything. . .
On a lighter note – dirty texting is delicious in my book, and simpler than a phone call which can escalate quickly when a more steady, thoughtful approach is desired.
Anyways – glad to meet you!
Comment by Blondie
| September 22nd, 2008
It’s simple, really…unlike your other booty calls, this lady is driving you nuts becaue she rejected YOU. She used you one time to fulfill a need, and moved on. Since u do this to others, why isn’t ok to have it done 2 u? It’s karma.
Simple fact of life: men forget the girls who they can hook too easily. The ones they remember are the girls who “got away.”
She doesn’t sound like a bunny boiler to me. She sounds wise to the game and is just using you like you used her.
Comment by dadshouse
| September 22nd, 2008
Blondie – that’s a great point. I think it’s true that I don’t like the feeling of being rejected. Because other than that, there aren’t a ton of reasons to stay involved with this woman. We really aren’t a match.
As for your other comment that I “use” women – hmmm. I disagree. Most of my booty calls in the last few years have not been one-night-stands. I take on a lover for months at a time. We simply don’t do stuff together besides get together for an evening involving conversation and sex. I’m not “using” her, we are “having fun” with each other.
That said, we also care for each other and are respectful in a way the woman in this post wasn’t. We send text messages to get together, but we also talk on the phone. While our situation isn’t ideal, at least we’re not fighting and engaged in power struggles like some couples, and I’m able to raise my kids without worrying who I’m bringing into their lives.