Where’s the Romance?
A reader recently asked, with so many booty call and one-night-stand posts on my blog, do I truly want to be in a relationship? Others have asked the same question, and so I’ve chosen to respond in this post.
First of all – I actually don’t write about booty all that often. Take a look inside the navigation tabs at the top of the page, and you’ll see several categories:
• Dating (Online dating, Dating in real life, How to meet singles, Dating for single parents)
• Hookups
• Divorce (Single parents and Two-home families, Addressing stereotypes and discrimination)
• Family (Modern family life)
• Recipes (Healthy food, Cocktails)
• Misc (Random musings, Self awareness, Video fun, Silicon Valley Moms Blog posts)
Of these six categories, the booty call section has the fewest entries. It’s not like I’m always blogging about booty – it simply catches the eye of a lot of readers. So much so that several readers think it’s all I write about.
There are many positives to single parenting, including getting to make all the decisions regarding your kids and household without having to negotiate with a spouse, free time for yourself when your ex has custody, getting the chance to learn new skills like cooking.
Unfortunately, a few single mom blogs (and maybe single dads, too, though I haven’t seen them) have taken their single-parenting independence to an extreme, celebrating the lack of man in their life to a point they come across as man-haters. Most aren’t like this but a few are. Whether they truly hate men or not, those are damaging thoughts to fixate on for them and their readers. They might be better served by focusing on the joyful feelings they want to attract.
But there are downsides to single parenting – the lack of intimacy, lack of communication, competition with an ex for the kids’ attention, being labeled with unfair stereotypes. I think we can all agree that sex is an elixir. It can take us out of our thoughts, worries, bodies. It can lift the spirit. It makes us feel good. Sadly, many single parents routinely go long stretches without sex, me included. It can be maddening.
The occasional booty call can provide a momentary feeling of closeness, intimacy, lust, passion, comfort. In the end, is it fulfilling? No. For me as a man lacking feminine energy in my life, a booty call is merely a momentary respite from intense feelings of aloneness. Do I have booty calls all the time? No. Not everything I blog about happened yesterday. I waited a few weeks to blog about a coffee date that turned into booty. That gave me time to process the experience internally, and maintain privacy. Am I a player? No. I’m a man who doesn’t hide my feelings of lust and desire from my female readers. I won’t pander. I try to tell things straight. Does admitting to sexual thoughts and feelings make me bad? No. Jimmy Carter had lust in his heart, and he’s considered a humanitarian. Sex is part of the human experience.
Booty calls and hookups are a cultural phenomenon, an artifact of modern dating. I write about them because they happen, they’re frustrating, they’re disappointing. Just like I’ve written about the pitfalls of online dating. I want single parents and parents contemplating divorce to understand – sex and romantic love is not an intrinsic part of a single parent’s life. And that sucks.
Where’s the romance? Romance is a wonderful thing, and I’ve experienced it, for sure. Just last summer I dated a woman and it was quite romantic – dining out, cooking in, picnicking, hiking, kissing in a redwood forest. Have I blogged about that? Um, no. That’s not my style. I’d rather keep the details of those moments private. There’s nothing wrong with tapping into fantasy, plenty of romance novels already offer that. Instead, I strive to spill the sometimes gritty, sometimes beautiful truth about life as a single parent.
Finally – my booty call posts are a hit with readers. They are some of my most-read posts, and I routinely get emails from readers (mainly women) who ask when I’ll share another hookup story. I also get emails asking for relationship and dating advice, parenting advice, divorce advice, etc. It’s a definite mix. Which is why I write about all those things.
Do I want a real relationship? Yes. And meanwhile I’ll keep writing about the many facets of being a single dad. The ups and downs and humorous moments of parenting and dating. And I’ll continue celebrating women and their feminine energy.
Women are wonderful. And I want one in my life again.
- Calling All Matchmakers
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- The ‘Fun Parent’ in Divorce
- A Creepy Writing Vibe
- Sex or No Sex
- When a Lover Wants Friendship and Romance
- Believe in Me
- Play the Game of Life
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Comment by laurakim123
| August 18th, 2008
As a single mom I have to agree with EVERYTHING you have said!
I have had more booty calls over my 2 years of singleness than relationships because, I wasnt really ready for more but I craved the intimacy and human contact.
I have hit a dry spell and more than anything I really really miss being touched – more than the sex its feeling someone touch me. And of course the sex is good too ;o)!
It is hard though cos I have very quickly gained the label of being “cheap” amongst my married friends and people cant seem to understand WHY I dont want to marry the first person who agrees to take me out!!!
Comment by lisaq
| August 18th, 2008
Yep, couldn’t agree more. You’ve hit on some very good points. Dry spells suck and, like many other singles, I’ve been through more than my share. Unfortunately (?) I don’t seem to be hard wired for booty calls.
And I definitely agree with laurakim123, it’s the not being touched, the lack of intimacy, that’s the hardest to deal with.
Comment by The Exception
| August 18th, 2008
…feminine energy as long as it comes in a previously noted here Latina package! ;)
Single parenting has its positives as well as its negatives. Sometimes feeling that physical closeness is what is required – it is spending that time with another adult; a connection that can’t be found with your children or all of your friends. But it can feel empty and unfulfilling as well. It can’t replace the intimacy that evolves with time, compatibility, chemistry, and honest communication those of which a good relationship is made.
If there is one thing I dislike about being a single parent – it is not having a man around with whom to share it!
A blog is just a glimpse through a person’s window as we are driving by – we can choose to attempt to fill in the blanks in our minds or we can let it be – take it for all that it is and no more.
Keep writing – and I don’t just mean about the hook ups! ;)
Comment by Marina
| August 18th, 2008
I have been reading your blog the past 3 days and let me tell you, I can understand what you are saying, not because I’m a single parent myself (I’m not) but because I’m the proud daughter of a single mom. So, being in the other side I have been able to see how hard is for you to find someone just rigth for you and also for your family (tremendously complicated task), it’s hard, but not imposible, the good thing is that you are more clear now than let’s say 8 years ago, you now know what you want, what you have, what you need and what you are willing to give. Booty or no booty, that’s part of the process. By the way, I’m in my twenties, my mom is in a loving, caring relationship for a couple of years now and even though it was a long road, ultimately paid of.
Saludos desde Venezuela
M
.My english is not perfect but hey, I try ;)
Comment by T
| August 18th, 2008
I knew that about you! :)
I agree about the dry spells being maddening. But I have learned about myself that I’m not a booty call kind of girl. And that’s ok.
Then again, if there is no end to the dry spell, I’m not totally against doing it again. I like being touched. I love sex. I even get massages just to feel someone’s hands on me. I think we are all hard-wired to enjoy intimacy. Its good to know that there are options. Even if they are only fulfilling a purely physical need.
You’re a romantic. I can see it even in your booty call posts. It seems completely obvious to me.
Thank you, as always, for your honesty.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 18th, 2008
There is absolutely nothing wrong with casual sex! CLEARLY, I have no problem with such a thing. I mean, I don’t have the nickname Cathouse for nothing! ;)
The thing is, David, that you seem to be consistently shopping for a Volkswagen when you really want to drive a Jaguar! I can’t even imagine why you would consider responding to a text saying, “Who are you?” from a woman who has f*&ked you!
It does seem you just fall into the simplist situation just because it is there. In other words, you are training yourself right out of being where you want to be. And in effect, being slashed to death by Occam’s Razor!
Truly, I meant no disrespect by my comment. I only meant that you might want to consider putting the booty behind for a time (no pun intended… hee) and evaluate the situation from a new vantage point.
Comment by dadshouse
| August 18th, 2008
Laurakim – too funny. My married friends used to ask the same question. They figured I’d be better off marrying someone, anyone, than being alone.
Lisaq – I use the term booty call loosely. What has worked for me is having a lover, someone I connect with at least a bit emotionally and who I see more than once.
The Exception – yep, I agree! Booty doesn’t replace all the good parts of a real relationship.
Marina – thanks for visiting. I enjoy hearing what things are like for children of divorce. My parents are still married, so I don’t know first hand what it’s like for my kids. They seem to be happy, healthy, and thriving. Glad to hear there’s hope for me as a single parent to find love again.
Teri – the VW/Jaguar analogy is great! I think I am shopping for a Jaguar (for the sleek beauty and engineering, not the price tag), but I’m on the VW lot. Perhaps I don’t know where the untaken Jaguars are idling these days.
T – I totally get that booty calls aren’t for everyone. I think everyone wants/needs intimacy at some point. Whether that means holding out for “the one”, or having a lover you don’t involve in the life you share with your children, is a personal choice.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 18th, 2008
You may have just hit the nail on the head.
It really is all about the price tag.
And if you’re not willing to pay for it, you won’t be winding up with a Jaguar!
The woman you want is worth much more than those you are slumming with.
The entire craft that should be being developed in a man is learning to ignore the cars on the lot that he really is not interested in. No need to drive it just because the keys are in it.
Comment by The Exception
| August 18th, 2008
Teri has an interesting perspective. One has to be willing to invest in the relationship. And for single parents, very involved with their kids, that might be more difficult than we want to admit to ourselves?
A great ride is not about the body and make of the car but more about all that makes it run!
I see the romance in most of your posts as well, just like T who thinks so like me it is scary.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 18th, 2008
Ha. All this talk about cars has brought to mind Shania’s song, YOU WIN MY LOVE.
I’m lookin’ for a lover
Who can rev his little engine up
He can have a ‘55 Chevy
Or a fancy little pick-up truck
If he’s got a cool Cadillac
With a jacuzzi in the back I’m in, oh yeah
‘Cause I’m a classy little chassis
Who’s a-huntin’ for a heart to win
Seriously, though ~ I see the booty call as the obvious way to make a shortcut to intimacy without the investment. Which is a fix that should be used VERY SPARINGLY. Too much of it tends to make a person get so far off the track of what is REAL that sometimes they don’t even know it when it finally shows up. And that is the real danger.
This, of course, is only if you are looking for something that is real. If you are not, then booty calls are the perfect answer to a perfect way of life.
By the way, any man who refers to me as a booty call will have seen my booty for the last time. ;)
Comment by dadshouse
| August 18th, 2008
Teri – by price tag, I hope you’re not talking about money and that instead it’s a metaphor for a genuine and deep connection. I’m not hurting financially and I’m not a cheap date by any means, but I refuse to “buy” myself a girlfriend or new wife. I try to be more grounded than that.
I totally agree that booty should be used sparingly. In real life, that’s exactly what I do – hence this post, because some readers think that’s ALL I do. Not the case!! My blog only gives a glimpse of some aspects of my life.
btw – what term do you prefer to booty call? Lance uses FB (where the B is for buddy, and the F, well you can figure that out). I sometimes say lover. Others say FWB. I prefer booty call partner if that’s all it is. And a girlfriend is a different thing entirely!
The Exception – you hit the nail on the head. For a single parent, dating is complicated. You can’t always invest in a new relationship if you don’t think it will work out in your kids’ best interest.
Comment by loriann
| August 18th, 2008
Well DH that was worth the wait.
I love the roses. Interestingly, it wasn’t till the very end of the post that you actually answered the question. A very simply “Yes”. Stay clear and focused on your goal and your intentions to the Universe made on 8/8/08 shall be yours. I believe “the one” is worth the wait.
Comment by Lance
| August 18th, 2008
Preach on, brother.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 18th, 2008
I am, of course, not talking about money. The entire message is analogous. However, I am also not talking about a genuine and deep connection. I am not sure at all how that can be called “a price.” I’m talking about it costing you something. And if I could make up a spreadsheet referencing what that means, I would be a wealthy woman!
Regarding terms, I prefer nothing of the kind. But I don’t really think inside that box at all, so I’m not sure how to give a real answer.
Comment by Occam's Razor
| August 18th, 2008
DM, perhaps I put it badly in my response to your last post. I don’t think you need to straighten up your act so you can happily re-marry some evangelical priss (the horror)! And I don’t think that booty is all you write about. All I really mean is, you profess to be searching for someone with brains as well as looks, and any self-respecting, intelligent woman is going to need to be satisfied with respect to *your* brains before hitching her entire life to yours. Part of your brain power will be evaluated by your judgement calls. Again, occasional one night stands are cool to anyone who isn’t on their moral high horse, but a general pattern of leaping into bed and then wondering why true love hasn’t called is bound to strike an intelligent woman as, ah, a little less than intelligent.
Put another way: if you receive a random text from a lass you just boinked a few weeks prior, with no contact since, and now she’s professing not to know who the hell you are, and you know her to be a bit of a whack job (I think we’re all agreed on that point), and you not only respond but put out the feelers for another rendezvous (your words: “U in a mood to hang out?”), I’m sorry, but the quality of your judgement is now officially in question. And, occasional or not, episodes like that serve as real warning signs, not for casual lovers, but for potential soulmates. I’m no moralist, but if I were a woman, and wondering whether to get serious with you, and I found out about behavior and judgement like that, I’d be off like a shot.
As Teri says, get off the VW (or Yugo?) lot if you’re serious about finding true love (a Jag).
But, on the other hand, it’s perfectly legitimate to keep on having fun and writing about it here to try to market yourself and your writing. It just doesn’t juxtapose well with the frequent laments re: lack of romance, connection, feminine energy, whatever. Makes you seem a bit schizo, really.
And that’s my last word on the matter. I think you get the idea. You may just not be ready to suffer the potential dry spells that a change in behavior and judgement might precipitate. On the other hand, how cool would it be to finally get the whole package? It’s just a question of what investment (in terms of time, energy, and discipline, *not* money) you’re willing to make in order to get it.
Again, be well.
Comment by Occam's Razor
| August 18th, 2008
P.S. I am your father. (insert scary timpani roll and Darth Vader breathing)
P.P.S. Totally kidding.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 18th, 2008
Oh man, that made me laugh. Timpani roll!
Comment by dadshouse
| August 18th, 2008
Occam’s Razor – I get what you’re saying. I have dated seriously, have almost found “the one” (twice), have endured dry spells, have enjoyed more casual relationships. So, I’ve done it all. Is that schizo? I don’t think so. I think it shows a willingness and openness to explore who I am and discover what makes me happy.
Regarding this woman who texted “who are you?” – we DID have contact after our initial get together, and we did both feel a bit more than just a physical connection that first time. So I don’t think it’s totally whacky to answer her text. Maybe she asked “who are you?” because she didn’t have a name associated with my number. Or mabye because, as New World Yankee pointed out, she was just feeling things out after having been out of touch for a month (she was traveling)
As for brains, I’m very well educated and enjoyed a successful career, so I’m not worried about needing to impress a woman with my intellect and wit. As for my judgement – if someone reads my blog and concludes things about me without taking the time to get to know me, then I sort of don’t care. I’m not writing this blog to seek out validation or adoration, more to explore some of the common feelings and pitfalls single parents experience.
You seem really concerned with how people perceive me (which I assume means you worry how people perceive you.) You’ve made the point multiple times that any woman who reads this blog won’t want to date me. That’s your opinion. My first girlfriend post-divorce had a bit of a checkered past. That she could articulate all she’d been through and had evolved past it was inspiring to me, not off-putting. I think any woman who gets to know me will find more right than wrong about who I am.
Comment by loriann
| August 18th, 2008
I’ve been thinking and I’d like to add the following: I’m a few years ahead of you in the child rearing ~ my youngest is 21, has not lived at home for two years now. I think when we are busy raising our children they are our priority. We don’t always take the time to nurture ourselves, whether we believe we deserve “more” or not. A booty call is a quick fix ~ as established; it does feel so good in the moment. When our baby chicks have flown the coop we are left with ourselves. Time to focus inward and find what it is we truly want ~ time to nurture ourselves. I think it goes back to timing ~ relationship compatibility ~ and what we personally are able to juggle such as children, extended family, work, the kids extra curricular activities, chauffeur duties ~ and the like.
As some of your other readers have expressed, I’m not wired for casual. Maybe to emotional ~ I like to think passionate. In the place that I’m at now I want more ~ and settling for less, though it may feel wonderful temporarily, I selfishly want more. I don’t pass judgment on you for reaching out and finding some adult contact ~ when so much energy goes towards giving we need to replenish ourselves with a little touch. I am in awe of those who are still raising children and are able to connect with another and find true love.
Comment by Occam's Razor
| August 18th, 2008
“You seem really concerned with how people perceive me (which I assume means you worry how people perceive you.) ”
Nah, not so much on the second half. It’s my wife’s biggest gripe. ;-)
And as for caring about how people perceive you… again, not so much. Just wanting good things for you.
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| August 18th, 2008
Ok, so I read this entry yesterday and didn’t comment because what you said about yourself was obvious from the beginning. I figured you didn’t write about good dates and relationships because of privacy reasons, like your two v. serious relationships. But bad dates and booty calls are free game to blogging! So of course, in your blog, there would be a disproportional amount of those stories in your dating repertoire. And I don’t think you write that many actually, it’s just that you link back to that entry quite a few times, so it gives the impression that you write about it a lot, because the words booty call appear time and again. Is this such a big deal?!
I think often times people forget that a blog is merely a slice of life, and that when you ask a Q, we can only answer based on the slice we know. That being said, your true intent and sentiment does tend to peek through even in booty call entries. In any case, It’s apparently a good thing you wrote this entry, because it seems like ppl had the wrong idea about you. Here’s to hoping the air is clear in here. =)
Comment by Ruth
| August 19th, 2008
Don’t worry about everyone trying to figure you out. They only see a smattering of your ideas in theses posts, and then they react based on their own perspectives. You sound like an interesting chap.
Comment by t
| August 19th, 2008
I rarely comment and am mostly a lurker, but I’m going to say that I kind of adore that you are out living life! Falling in love as a single parent has a lot of twists, turns and bumps along the way. My best friend and now former single mom just married a great guy that was supposed to be a one night fling just a few days before Christmas three years ago. I helped her meet him at a concert that I dragged her to. He had just finalized his divorce two weeks before that fateful night. Neither one was looking for love as they were recovering from heartbreak. The path their relationship took was far from simple to get to marriage, but they have made it work. Now they are raising five kids together and life is still complicated. And yes, the band they met seeing played the wedding reception. So keep living life because your never going to meet some fab lady worth your great words and love if you don’t put yourself out there. Adventurous guys will meet adventurous women because that is just how we live.
Comment by Lia
| August 20th, 2008
I try to remember, while reading your blog, that you are writing to a certain theme. I don’t think that your whole life is about finding “booty” or “love” or “romance” whatever you call it. HOWEVER, if I stumbled here without knowing you I would think it was all about the sex. This is exactly why the night you met some SVMoms we offered you the KY from the swag bag. Seemed to all of us that was what you were about. I know now that isn’t the truth but your blog sometimes makes it seem that way.
Comment by Me Thinks
| August 20th, 2008
Great post and intersting discussion. I for one would not at all think that you are all about booty calls but, hell, its fact of life that it happens to nearly everyone on one level or another, just cause its 3rd date doesn’t make it meaningful!. All I have to say is: Keep up the bad dates and booty calls and flirty texts, it sure as hell makes for great reading! Ha!
Seriously, the point about fishing in the wrong lake (or car analogy or whatever) may be a valid one but it, to me, has nothing to do with getting a little action when you meet someone you click with on some level even if you know its not LTR potential.
And personally I think its sweet that you don’t blog about some of the “meaningful relationships”, obviously they are still “meaningful” enough to you to protect them and maybe down the road those will be topics you want to share, who knows.