Failed Marriage or Success?
Divorce is the culmination of a failed marriage. Right? I mean, marriage is forever, and not getting to forever must have meant you screwed up. Um, not always. Rather than failed marriage, divorce can mean success.
Some background – Kat Wilder recently wrote an insightful, passionate piece about the negative view society has toward divorced families. From one parent being favored by schools and professionals only contacting one home, to neighbors fearing time spent with a divorced person might ruin their own marriage, Kat lamented our use of the failure tag, pointing out that a lasting but loveless marriage can hardly be called a success.
With nearly half of all American first marriages ending in divorce, it can be argued that the institution itself is flawed. Two people come together, fall in love, make each other complete. They try to get along and lead a happy life, but over time something changes and they can’t. They split and move on.
Is that failure? If they grew from the experience, it’s evolution. If being married forced that change, then maybe the marriage served its purpose and it’s a success.
People fall in love for the darndest reasons, but common wisdom suggests opposites attract. You get with someone because they have strengths to balance your weaknesses. Over time, though, you might gain those strengths for yourself and start resenting those very things in your partner.
I dated a woman who was compassionate beyond belief. I loved her for that. She showed me a way of life I didn’t really know. But as I learned to give more from my heart, I started to feel emotionally crowded in her presence. The amount of her caring was always bigger than mine, even when it came to my kids, and it didn’t feel there was enough space for my compassion to grow. If I made a mistake, for instance if I reacted too selfishly to some situation, she was quick to show me how to be selfless. When we broke up, I was forced to nurture a giving heart on my own. I made mistakes, but I learned from them. That’s evolution. The relationship helped me grow and give more compassionately. That’s success.
To all those divorced people who are taking a good hard look at themselves, gaining awarenesses and growing in ways that could only come from going it solo, I say “well done!”
And to those married people who continually resent their spouse, despise their life, stopped evolving, and maybe even considering a discreet affair – you might consider you’re the one with the failed marriage.
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- Hey Ann Coulter – It’s Evolution, Baby!
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Comment by mama llama
| August 26th, 2008
Thanks. I needed to read that today. Be well.
Comment by laurakim123
| August 26th, 2008
I dont see my marriage as a failure at all!! I never have really!
It was a HUGE learning curve for the both of us and unfortunately did involve alot of heartache but we both have come out stronger and happier (ok well I have anyway)
Comment by debra
| August 26th, 2008
I have to disagree with you on this. I think divorce is a failure. I think we have all become so ‘instant gratification’ and feel that we are entitled to be blissfully happy, fulfilled and satisfied in everything we do, that nearly the moment we discover our marriage isn’t everything we had ever imagined it would be, or that our spouse isn’t that same amazing, intelligent, caring, supportive, positive person we married, we give up way too easily. We’re selfish. We put our own happiness over that of our children. Most of us never put in the work and effort to try to save our marriages. I’m not saying this applies to everyone, I know some people are in really terrible situtations that they should get their children out of. But alot of couples simply don’t try hard enough to keep their families in tact, to compensate for the changes that two adults are likely to go through as they mature over time, and to learn to accept and adapt and find happiness in what they have built together. I’d say for the majority of people, divorce is a failure to realize that happiness is not going to be handed to you, that you have to work for it to keep a marriage healthy.
Comment by The Exception
| August 26th, 2008
I read Kat’s post yesterday and liked it though I couldn’t contribute. Not only do kids of divorced families find themselves singled out – kids of single parent homes are “at risk” in so many ways.
Experiences that promote growth and discovery are successful. Our lives are enriched whether we realize it immediately or whether it takes years to find all that was gained.
I always believed that children were served more by marriages that demonstrated loving and working relationships. The strength, health, and ability to adapt, grow, and endure, demonstrated by a marriage can be nothing but beneficial to a child. So… it would follow that if the marriage is not healthy or any of the above, and that neither party is happy, the children would be best served if it ended. (A different kind of success). But, I believe recent studies suggest that children benefit from marriage, healthy or not – it is best for the kids to remain in that unhappy home.
I mention this only because I wonder how much societies idea of “family” and “Marriage” play into the notion that a divorce is failure? Such studies suggest that divorce is bad for kids – and as parents, we all worry about failing our kids.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| August 26th, 2008
Thanks, Dad, for referencing me (gee, I’ve said “Thanks, Dad” a lot in my life… not that I’m a daddy’s girl or anything … ;-)
Debra, your comment is another one I should have mentioned in my post — that people who divorce didn’t “try hard enough” or that we looked to our spouse to make us “happy.” Granted, you said not everyone does that, but then you said “many.” OK, among the people I know who divorced, that may be true to various degrees — although I — a good friend — don’t really know fully the source of their problems; do you? Yet you’ll judge. Couples therapy can work — sometimes — and individual therapy can work — sometimes. Changing ones attitude toward a spouse and being more loving, as suggested by the Dr. Phils of the world — it’s all great. But it can’t fix some very deep-rooted problems that many couples have (which, by the way, the world at large may not even be privy to; who the hell knows what goes on behind those lovely white picket fences?).
It is your attitude, too, that pigeonholes divorced people into being selfish and lazy — and I, as a woman who is neither, resent that.
Comment by debra
| August 26th, 2008
Kat, Just read your post, and enjoyed the discussion. I am speaking of my own experience, I view my own divorce as a failure because my ex and I were selfish and refused to do the work to fix what had become broken. Could it have been fixed, maybe, maybe not, but we didn’t try hard enough and we should have. I see this alot, people don’t try hard enough and want an instant fix (again, just my personal experiences with friends). I did say this doesn’t apply to everyone, I fully recognize everyone’s situation is unique, and only the two people living it could ever possibly understand it. I apologize if I came off as judgemental, I don’t jugde others, and in most cases, am fortunate enough not to be judged. I did not intend to imply that all divorced people are lazy and selfish, and it appears it came off that way. I was just expressing my opinion.
Comment by T
| August 26th, 2008
WOW!!! (I wish I could make the font of that word larger. I am saying it LOUDLY over here!)
I SO completely, wholeheartedly agree with you on this David!!!
That’s what’s so difficult about getting divorced. We judge ourselves based on society’s view of who we should be and what we should be doing. I believe that we have no right to “should” on anybody. No one has any idea of the unwritten contract you have with your partner. This contract could be as simple as “I will teach you and I will learn from you.” The form of that marriage could look completely different to an outsider.
Once the lesson is over, the marriage may change or end. Because it is ‘form’ it is constantly evolving. It doesn’t mean there has to be resentment. Of course, in the end, usually there are hurtful words and pride that is damaged. It is later that we realize we were exactly where we were supposed to be at the time. It is later that we realize we could only offer our best to the person who was only offering their best.
Now, I’m not saying to live for the “instant gratification” that debra speaks of. I do believe that it does take two to make a marriage work. And I believe that we are responsible for our own happiness. We cannot put that amount of pressure on someone else to “make” us feel anything. We are the ones who choose how we are going to see every moment and every situation.
The problem is that most of the time, this realization tends to happen after the relationship is over. It occurs to us after we have to stop pointing our finger in blame at someone else for our misery and the finger begins to point at ourselves. Which means, yes, we learned something.
Still, even if you do realize this in your marriage, will your partner realize it too? If so, then I do see hope for marriage. However it is still up to you how your marriage is going to look and I think trying to do what society thinks (because every society in the world has a different perception of relationships) is one of the things that causes more issues in the institution of marriage in general.
*You* ultimately have to decide if the form of your relationship will continue to evolve into a divorced relationship or a marriage that is different from what it was in the beginning. Just because two people aren’t married anymore, it doesn’t mean that they don’t still have a place in the other’s life.
Whew. I need to stop…
I’m basically saying, Never regret anything that once made you smile.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| August 26th, 2008
Thanks for this discussion. It’s up to each and every one of us to determine what’s ‘right’ and what’s ‘wrong’. We all have different value structures.
My uncle stayed with his wife in a loveless marriage until both children were off to college. Both girls, adults now, always questioned why they hadn’t gotten divorced years prior. They were all pretty miserable in the household. Another family, another perspective.
Comment by Phil
| August 26th, 2008
This is too complex of a subject for a comment in a blog – it obviously varies per couple, so any generalization is wrong. Yes, an unhappy marriage is a failure – but I disagree with your conclusion that divorce would be a success. A true success would be to build on the foundation you’ve created and work on your issues and improve your marriage. I think many divorced couples get remarried and still have the same problems because they never fixed the root cause. If the marriage has no love, then getting divorced is the correct thing to do – but that doesn’t make it a good thing. People tend to think in terms of “my life is bad now, so different must be better”, which isn’t always true. Success and failure are probably the wrong terms.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 26th, 2008
I’m still of a mind that since the idea behind marriage is that it lasts “forever,” then having it end means failure. And having it not end means success. This does not mean that the individuals are failures. Neither does it mean they are successes. And it doesn’t mean that their relationship is a success, just because they are staying married. But the UNION is a success. The health of it is another matter.
So when you say divorce can mean success, you are damn right. But that success is for the individual. Marriage is a contract between two people to stay together, no matter what. Not until they aren’t having fun any more. Not until one decides that they are sick of the abuse. NO MATTER WHAT. So when that does not happen, it is clear that they failed to meet the conditions of the contract.
Which is why I feel the way I do about marriage. I have no problem with being in a committed, long-term relationship. I just see no reason to get the law involved. ;)
Comment by dadshouse
| August 26th, 2008
Great discussion going on here. I’ll add a few of my cents.
Debra – I get what you’re saying about people who divorce without doing the work. My ex and I went to three different marriage counselors over the years and couldn’t fix things. That’s because we each had individual work to do. Only one of us seemed willing to do that work at the time. Also, one of us was more focused on issues in the material world, and the other on philosophical, psychological, spiritual. We didn’t see life the same way at all. I think in our case it would have been a failure to stay married as we wouldn’t have evolved in that state.
Phil – I agree with your assessment that people tend to think “my life is bad now, so different must be better” and maybe get divorced without putting in the work. In that case, I agree they failed. But they failed by the criteria that they didn’t evolve.
Teri – well put. The union is a contract and people fail the contract if they don’t live up to its terms. Which is why, it seems, you’ve changed the rules of the contract by not getting the law involved. Sneaky you.
I totally agree that this is a complex issue and different for every couple. So why then is society so quick to turn it into a simple case of success or failure? Why does society tend to discriminate against divorced people, and especially single dads (imho)?
Comment by The Exception
| August 26th, 2008
A few years ago there was a small movement to bring into play limited term marriage contracts – playing on what Teri said a bit. The idea was that, as people mature and experience life, they change. The marriage contract, however, does not often adapt to that change or one or more of the parties involved wants to change the contract or is not fulfilling their part of the contract. So… the contract could be limited in duration… not forever after as it is now; death do us part, but more a five year or ten year contract that would end or could be renewed.
It sounds very different than what we, as a society, think of as normal, but for those couples that find themselves very different people than the 22 year olds that married in a state of romantic love… etc. It might work. If nothing else, the idea forces a couple to communicate about the state and health of the marriage rather than allowing them to simply…not!
Comment by Honey
| August 26th, 2008
I think getting married too quickly leads to why a lot of divorces happen…though I also think you can be sure quite early. It’s hard to say, but I agree that if there are major problems and one or both partners is unable or unwilling to fix them at that point in time, moving on is the right thing.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| August 26th, 2008
Well, the way I see it, relationships shouldn’t be looked at as failures or successes. They are opportunities. Which is why I reject the marriage idea altogether. For a number of reasons.
You point out that you learn something from the relationships you’ve been in. And this is a good thing. You bring everything you learn along the way into the next relationship. If I have fifty relationships that don’t last forever, people don’t generally refer to that failing. (Although they sometimes refer to such a person as failing at committing… hee.) Divorces are called failed marriages merely because they are contractual agreements that… well… failed!
At any rate, in a long-term relationship, I see no reason to bring the contractual terms of “forever” into it. Law or no law. This is unreasonable to me. We are together. We are committed to one another. We go along and enjoy the strengths and weaknesses we have to offer one another as a unit. The reason we call it a long-term relationship is based on the fact that it has lasted a long term. Not based on the fact that we sat down and decided, “Hey! Let’s be long term with this!”
So I don’t see LTR’s as the same thing as marriage but with only an implied contract. To me, there is no such implication. It’s just us and it goes where it goes.
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| August 26th, 2008
I don’t have the experience with marriage to know what it is really like, but I have seen what a failed marriage is when I look at my parents. The anger and fighting that has gone on continuously during my childhood till recently, has never gave me faith in marriage. They stayed together due to societal pressure and neither is happy. For 30 years they remain unhappy, so how is that any better than divorce?
Comment by Lance
| August 26th, 2008
Great post. I’ve recently begun to view all of my past relationships as positive experiences, and not “baggage” or failures. We’re always learning and even a marriage that ends in divorce helps us grow. It’s negative thinking to view yourself or the relationship as a failure because you parted ways. I wrote a post about this:
http://honeyandlance.com/lances-take-successful-relationships
I do think that the institution of marriage is critically flawed. I like the idea of a limited time span marriage (7 years) and I seem to recall one of the other single parent bloggers wrote about this…maybe it was Kat Wilder? I do want to get married, but I will also admit to the possibility of it ending and I would approach that with a smile.
Comment by Phil
| August 26th, 2008
Lance – Ok, so after your 7 years are up, you dump the kids on the ex-wife and start hunting for a younger woman? Sounds great…for you.
I’m hardly the traditionalist, but there’s a reason why all cultures throughout history have had long-term marriages. It isn’t perfect, and many couples are better off divorced, but commitment does work.
Comment by Lance
| August 26th, 2008
@Phil: You’re assuming I have kids, which is unlikely, since I don’t believe in having my own children. The 7 year pact is renewable, and if we had kids for whatever reason, obviously I would be compelled to renew the pact.
Comment by Hip_M0M
| August 27th, 2008
I can always count on you, David, for a lively discussion over here. You’ve inspired me to post about this on my own site since this is a topic that needs to be talked about (in my opinion).
WOW…I can’t even begin to express how important this is to talk about in our society.
Thanks.
Comment by lisaq
| August 27th, 2008
Very nicely put! I know that, in my case, the failed marriages definitely facilitated change and growth…a definite evolution.
Comment by donna
| February 11th, 2009
definitely, sometimes ending a marriage is positive growth.