Rude Text Messages are Nicer Than This
I was cycling on a Saturday afternoon, thinking about my imminent first date with the woman of my dreams – drinks that night in an upscale restaurant – when my cell phone chirped receipt of a text message. Lo and behold, she was texting me. We’d met ten days before at a restaurant when I was out with my kids. Nervy of me to ask for her number, but I got it. How sweet is that?
Her text message said: Sorry, working late. Have to cancel.
Shit. Not again. The previous Monday she’d flaked on making plans without even sending a follow up text message or phone call. It seemed rude, but the next day she phoned to apologize, saying she’d had a doctor’s emergency. We rescheduled for Saturday drinks. At the time, it seemed like a dating upgrade. But maybe I should have asked for a doctor’s excuse note. (just kidding!)
I texted her: Bummer. Want to meet later? What time are you done?
She texted right back: 10. Maybe I will call u later.
Okay, sweet enough. She wasn’t sending rude text messages, just being a little vague. Maybe it would work out, after all. But I didn’t get my hopes up – she did say maybe, and it was a first date. I didn’t know what sort of work she did (I guessed nanny), but if she got off at 10pm on a Saturday night, she’d either want to chill at home by herself or head out for drinks with friends. Given the circumstances, our first date seemed unlikely to happen that night.
I didn’t hear from her again that night, or even the next day. How rude could one person be? I know, I know, I should have just walked away. But after the flirty sweet way we met, I couldn’t. Late afternoon, I resorted to texting. Can I ask what sort of work you do?
She texted right back: I’m a personal assistant to a family.
That explained the crazy hours. She worked in a wealthy suburb, and perhaps the mom and dad spent too much time in high tech jobs. They might keep her on call. (Would they phone, or send text messages? Ha.) Still, it seemed rude of her not to mention our broken date from the night before. Then again, did she have to? She’d already apologized when she cancelled, and she hadn’t promised to meet up or even get back to me.
I sent her a text message: Oh, that’s why you work strange hours.
She texted right back: Yes, I work too much. I don’t have a life. :-(
Some men might interpret that as her being rude, or trying to appear unattractive as a way of saying she wasn’t interested in dating. But not me. My reaction, however misguided: David to the rescue! I put rudeness and text messaging aside and phoned her immediately, intent on asking her out for drinks that very night. No more planning days in advance. My call went through to voicemail. Fine, she preferred texting.
I texted her: Free tonight? We could get drinks!
No response. This was beyond frustrating. But half an hour later a new text message from her arrived: Sounds good.
Sweet! I was in there. I phoned again. No answer. I texted her back: Want to meet at 8? Let’s talk and make plans.
She didn’t write back. I followed up with a phone call an hour later. No answer. Maybe she was taking a bath or getting her nails done, prepping for our date. I called again at 7 and left voicemail, asking if 8 still worked. No response.
WTF? Three flaked dates is all I can take. Granted, the first two were excused. But the third, saying sounds good, then not responding further? I almost wish she’d sent some actual rude text messages, instead. Anything. Just be straightforward.
It’s been a week since this last exchange. I texted her once more a few days later. But after her sounds good message, I never heard from her again. Was she date stacking? (making plans with multiple guys in one night, intending to only see one of them? Rude, I know.) Was she really that busy? Did she simply not like me or my circumstance? The whole thing vexes me.
I will say one thing – silence is the rudest text message of all.
This was part three. Part one of this story: Woman of My Dreams, Manifested
Part two of this story: Relationship Dating 101: First Meeting
Part four of this story: Perfectly Normal Date
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- Dirty Text Message Jokes
- Rebound Sex Coffee Date
- Sexy Text Messages You Can’t Ignore – Evidence of an Affair
- Flirty Text Messages on Craigslist
- A Sexy Flirty Dirty Text Message
- Some Rude Text Messages Deserve a Truckers Salute
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Comment by dadshouse
| September 3rd, 2008
p.s. this is still the old site. The new site is really close, I promise. But I didn’t want to hold up this post any longer…
Comment by liz
| September 3rd, 2008
I’d much rather hear “I’m not interested” or “Leave me alone” than get silence.
Comment by The Exception
| September 3rd, 2008
Stunned silence here in Virginia…
I am disappointed that it didn’t work out – that the date didn’t happen. I am saddened that she wasn’t upfront with you. Honesty speaks volumes. Yet I remain thrilled that you acted with such confidence to get her number! You are awesome!
Comment by T
| September 3rd, 2008
Ugh!
I don’t even know what to say! If she is playing a game, its not very nice at all. And you’re so sweet giving her the benefit of the doubt.
Perhaps even though she looked like the woman of your dreams, looks don’t tell the whole story.
*sigh* I was really hoping for this one…
I’d drop it and move on. If she is really interested, let her do all the pursuing.
Hang in there!
(Can’t wait to see the new site!)
Comment by vinomom
| September 3rd, 2008
What a total flake! A lack of common courtesy is something I just cannot stand. Replying “sounds good” and then never responding. Unacceptable. I am willing to bet she tried to get in contact with you in the next week or so. Don’t give her the time of day!
Comment by laurakim123
| September 3rd, 2008
Sorry ;(
It is all rather confusing though – why give you her number to start with? And if she changed her mind then why not just text that?
If she had time to go out with a mate that night you met her, she could have made a plan to fit you in somewhere – so I dont think she was THAT busy to be honest.
Oh well her loss really!
Comment by vinomom
| September 3rd, 2008
I wish I could edit typos – to clarify: tried = tries, meaning I think she will end up texting you again.
Comment by mama llama
| September 3rd, 2008
Agreed. Silence is uncalled for and infantile.
At best.
I have a question for you, that yesterday just occurred to me:
Do you feel that, when divulging details about what you do (ie Professional Writer. ‘Oh, about what?’ About single parents, dating, relationships…), that could come off as intimidating to your parters–at least, to those who are just starting to know you? How do you set the ladies at ease in that they will not become fodder for your writing?
I’m not saying you even got so far with this ‘Woman of your Dreams’ (and if she treats people like that, I would advise you to, in the words of Aerosmith, dream on), but once you do achieve a certain degree of confidence, how do you balance the personal vs. the professional without your partner being always on guard?
I’m sorry, David. And she appeared to genuinely want to get to know you.
Be well.
Comment by mama llama
| September 3rd, 2008
ugh…speaking of typos…sorry.
Comment by Susan
| September 3rd, 2008
David, I’m sorry this happened to you. I CAN’T STAND the silent treatment. It’s rude, confusing and I don’t get why people can’t act like adults and just politely fess up and say, “no thanks.” (You know, not that similar things have ever happened to me or anything!) But as laurakim123 and others have said, it’s her loss.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| September 3rd, 2008
Aw……. I’m so sad to hear that she’s one of THOSE women! Damn, damn, damn!
At any rate, let’s just consider it her loss, as previously noted.
And thanks for iterating that this is still the old site. I often find myself in places, never quite sure if they are old or new. :)
To sum up, though ~ you truly are a very nice man… but I think that her first two flakes were NOT excused. She be a dumb dumb head.
Makes us wonder, why did she go to all that trouble of giving you her number? Clearly, sending you all kinds of signals. Here’s my take. I’m sorry to say that there are many women who just want to be wanted. Especially beautiful women. They want every man in the room to want them. She saw you were interested. You were an easy target. You responded as any healthy man would. But she’d gotten what she wanted out of you.
Comment by Kevin
| September 3rd, 2008
I’ve been doing a lot of reading from Pickup Artists, and, based on some of the things you’ve said about how you felt about her being your dream girl, it sounds like she might have sensed that from you. Unfortunately, women like men who are a challenge… I’m in the same boat as you. I’m able to meet women, but they seem to flake on me. Definitely, after 2 flakes, that’s it. Otherwise, you appear desperate. I think that part about asking her out for that night did it for her, that you didn’t have much else going on. I’m not saying that’s the case, but I think that’s what women think. Anyway, check out the book The Game by Neil Strauss or The Mystery Method by Mystery. Good and interesting books with insight into the “crazy” minds of women :) Unfortunately, women do “play games” – if that’s what you want to call it – so we as men, need to step up and play the game. Show them we are real men. That’s what they want to see. It sucks, I know, but it’s the nature of the beast.
Good luck to you! And congrats on getting up the nerve to get her number. Next time, try not to hesitate. Pickup artists have what’s called The 3 second rule. If you make eye contact with a woman and wait more then 3 seconds to go talk to her, you’ve lost it… she’ll think you are not confident.
Love the blog! I’m looking to you for inspiration as I’m a recently separated and soon to be divorced father of two little ones…
Keep up the great posts!
Comment by dadshouse
| September 3rd, 2008
I’m guessing this woman gets hit on all the time. Giving out her number doesn’t mean a thing to her. In fact, it’s sport. Just like some men play the game of collecting numbers with no intention of following through.
Then again, it could also be something I said onthe phone. Mama Llama makes a great point – sometimes when I tell women I’m a writer, they immediately lose interest, either because they think I’m an intellectual elitist, or a starving artist. Maybe that happened with this woman.
I also agree with Kevin – perhaps I looked desperate to her by suggesting a date that night. Women say they love men to be spontaneous, but I can see how spontaneity can be misconstrued as over-eagerness and desperation.
Comment by Me Thinks
| September 3rd, 2008
Wow, that totally sucks. What is with responding with (vague) interest and then blowing you off completely? Very odd, I would tell her to take a hike if you ever run into her again.
Once I had a guy do that to me – we met, called, made plans, no call the day of vaguely planned date so I didn’t call him and figured if he wanted to date me then he would have to make the effort at that point. No call. That night: DELETE his number off my cell and went out with friends. Lo and behold I met a cool guy, 5 months later we are still dating. It happens to everyone if you take risks but personally I don’t think you should pursue after the 2nd time, let her approach you, you’ve already expressed interest. I think you got hung up on her looks.
I have a theory here too as to why she had her number written out. If she is a nanny/family assistant it could be that she planned to offer her professional services. Even if you seemed interested, it could be that she’s looking for that kind of situation. Who knows.
Chalk this up to experience and get out there again! And the 3 second thing above? Complete BS IMO :)
Comment by Kevin
| September 3rd, 2008
The 3 second rule thing also applies more so to the fact that if you wait more than 3 seconds, you will talk yourself out of talking to her…
Comment by The Exception
| September 3rd, 2008
Kevin,
Some women play games just as some men play games. There are definitely those of us, on both sides that don’t. Flirting is fun and such, but flaking lacks honesty and integrity as do many games. The best way to get to know how women think is to open your mind and get to know us as we are each quite different in our own right… just like men! ;) (And it is kind of fun to get to know one another, no?)
Comment by Kevin
| September 3rd, 2008
I agree and I wasn’t insinuating that playing games was something restricted to women. I also put it in quotes because I don’t like the overused “playing games” expression. Most of what people think is someone playing games, is that person not wanting to hurt their feelings by saying they are no longer interested. Meeting new people definitely is like a game though if you think about it. You usually are never meeting the person themselves, you are actually meeting their representative. It’s only months later you start to learn who that person really is. I’m rambling…so I’m done :) I’m not disagreeing with anyone here, just throwing in my 2 cents.
Comment by Kevin
| September 3rd, 2008
One more comment – might be more controversial…the people who appear to “play games” are typically the more desirable of the species. The ones who are good looking, great people, great career, have a lot going for themselves, etc. These people can and HAVE to be choosy (especially the women as they get hit on ALL the time). It’s this choosiness, which is built into us through evolution, that appears to be game-playing that people talk about. And sometimes, you just have to play the game in order to break through someone’s initial shields in order for them to learn the true you and for you to learn the true them…
Comment by Honey
| September 3rd, 2008
So sorry it worked out this way, DM! Sucky.
Comment by mel
| September 3rd, 2008
boooh. i was so excited for you. but seriously. delete her number and don’t bother anymore. way too flakey.
Comment by mad cartoonist
| September 3rd, 2008
Wow, too bad! She is acting like a female version of a total dick. Drop this one without looking back!
My guess–she’s in a failing LTR and she’s contemplating jumping ship, but hasn’t cut it off yet.
And she’s probably living with him. Her “weird hours” excuse (which, honestly, is unbelievably lame), breaking dates, refusing to talk on the phone, running hot-and-cold on you–it reads like a textbook case of “already taken”. Sorry, man.
Her intermittent availability to you is probably just her immature way of acting out against the current BF. She gets pissed at him and acts out by contacting you (she knows you’re hooked and she’s using you like a drug to make herself feel better). Then she changes her mind about the BF, feels ashamed, and tries to fix it up in own her mind with the BF by ignoring you and leaving you hanging.
I’ll predict she’ll contact you again when she’s bored/ annoyed again with her BF. Don’t take the bait!
I still give you major props for approaching her in a restaurant! But you may want to revise your approach.
You seem to really like Hispanic women (you talk about loving “olive skin” a lot, so I’m guessing here). But many Hispanic women are just not going to consider seriously a man (especially an Anglo) who they meet at random. You need to get into their culture, meet them at church, get to know their brothers or cousins, and then finally be properly introduced as a suitor. Yeah, they may tolerate you as a fling without that, but not for anything serious. If you have any Hispanic friends you might want to discuss with them how best to meet women from this culture for serious relationships.
Comment by loriann
| September 3rd, 2008
Well DH so much for titillating suspense!
And the recent neck whip was for naught.
This incarnation of the “Dream Woman” was not to be ~ she certainly was neither kind nor considerate. Raven hair, ruby lips and golden honey colored skin is within your grasp ~ just remember the other attributes you desire. Your enchantress may not necessarily cause your head to whip but reward you with a lifetime of wonderful massages instead. And the beat goes on……… Good luck in your move!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| September 3rd, 2008
Mad Cartoonist gives some superb advice for finding a Latino woman. Do consider it all very seriously.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| September 3rd, 2008
Dang. Sorry. I believe that should have been Latina. You’d think I’d never set foot in Southern California!
Comment by dadshouse
| September 3rd, 2008
Mad Cartoonist gave some awesome insights, all around! You may be exactly right about her having a boyfriend. Believe me, I’ve met and gone on first dates with more than one woman who then told me she was involved with, or even living with, a guy. Frustrating.
I may have to copy all these comments over to the new site… (patiently waiting)
Comment by Lori W.
| September 3rd, 2008
Man, I’m so sorry for you. I have to agree with the other posters; but I’m so proud of you for getting that number. That took courage! And maybe next time’s the lucky one!
Comment by A Girlfriend
| September 3rd, 2008
Bummer. We may never know what happened. But what we DO know is that she lacks integrity. How hard is it to say no via text? It isn’t.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| September 3rd, 2008
Mad Cartoonist has some great ideas to meet Latinas. I think Mexican Independence Day is coming right up on Sept 16th. Surely there will be some festivals around that you can attend!! Keep your eyes open, I’m sure the woman of your dreams is right around the corner!
Comment by savoredlife
| September 3rd, 2008
I see it as a positive: She may of squashed the fantasy, but she didn’t break your heart! She merely weeded herself out early… The TRUE “Woman of your Dreams” will be just that…from basic respect to radiant beauty. Chin up. She’s out there.
savoredlifes last blog post..Cherubim
Comment by lisaq
| September 4th, 2008
Awww that sucks. Sorry it didn’t work out. Better to find out now.
lisaqs last blog post..The Ethics of Having Children-Guest Post
Comment by Lance
| September 4th, 2008
Have to agree with Mad Cartoonist above, that’s a spot-on eval. Honestly, virtually all hot chicks you meet in the field have SOMETHING going on, whether it’s an FB, dating, or LTR. It’s tricky. I mean, if she really were single, she’d be on match.com right??
Also, I’ve been flaked on a bunch just like this. It sucks, but after a while I come to expect it. What does that say about single daters? We’re a dishonorable lot, is what it says.
Keep approaching, it’s just a numbers game. Eventually you’ll get a hit.
Comment by Margi
| September 4th, 2008
Dude. Sadly, Mad Cartoonist is probably right. I was friends (?) with a woman like that about 100 years ago – in another lifetime – my single lifetime. We didn’t become BFF because of her rampant games-playing. I didn’t even pull that crap in high school and she was in her 30s! Sickening.
I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you really ARE better off without that sort of B.S. You know I’m right. ;o)
Margi’s last blog post..This has been bugging me for a couple of days
Comment by Hip_M0M
| September 4th, 2008
David,
I love how open and honest and trusting you are. I think women are intimidated by men like you. At least that’s what I have to believe since this experience doesn’t sound much different from those I’ve encountered.
She’s out there. The more women you meet, the more chances you have at finding her.
Hip_M0M’s last blog post..Pro-Obama
Comment by Lisa
| September 4th, 2008
Sorry it didn’t work out for you. I agree with Mad Cartoonist also. I have a friend who keeps stringing along a man by email, even though she’s living with someone, although not happily. She tells this man that she doesn’t have time to date since she’s a single mom and in a custody battle. She says she wants to keep him as a future possibility. I told her that if she ever wants to date this man, if her live-in relationship ends, this man will figure out that she’s been living with someone all this time, and drop her like a hot potato.
Dad, as far as your dream girl….do you ever wonder if your search for the woman of your dreams, might be like looking for a unicorn? Are you overlooking some wonderful women who may not be absolutely gorgeous, but who might be perfectly compatible with you?
Comment by dadshouse
| September 4th, 2008
Lisa – hey, I brake for unicorns! (kidding). That’s a very good point. I can say that I’ve dated all sorts of women over the years – different looks, body types, education level, nationalities, etc. With my woman of my dreams manifested post, I was putting out their my dream ideal. And lo and behold, a woman like her (this one) walked in the door.
Obviously, I needed to amend my dream request with a statement saying “she needs to call back and actually meet!”
Comment by LiteralDan
| September 5th, 2008
I agree– silence opens you up to all sorts of possibilities, and way too much uncertainty. Just don’t call her to tell her that, or you may never see her again.
LiteralDan’s last blog post..The rules of D-, Vol. 1
Comment by SDMktg
| September 11th, 2008
That used to happen to me all the time with Internet dating. Everything would be great and we’d agree on a day without specific plans for when or where and then boom, no emails, no phone calls, nothing…I joking call it “radio silence”. I guess they lose interest or something better comes up. One thing I did change is I started making the plans part of asking women out. “I know this great club that just opened up, how about next Friday at 8:30?” I got a few less flakes that way. I agree with the 3 strikes rule too. Even if the person is really busy and is interested, I’m not interested in someone who is too busy to see me.
P.S. my website is largely work related. I have boy/girl twins that live with me half of the time. (They never “stay” with me) You are brave to blog about your life in full detail.
SDMktg’s last blog post..