Hot, Sexy, Confident
Do you ever get that I NEED ATTENTION feeling? You know, where you want another person, or maybe an entire community, to adore you? After my divorce, I sure did. I think a lot of single parents do. It’s that desire for someone to want you, someone to make you feel good.
Mama Llama recently wrote that she wanted to feel like a Hoochie Mama again. That feeling of being a really hot sexy confident lady. She gives a fabulous list of qualities that it would take for a man to make her feel that way. Stuff like this: The one whose touch… sends electricity through my body. And, The one whose eyes make me melt.
Reading it sent shivers up my spine! After all, I’d like those things in a woman, for me! (Is my dream woman listening, reading this post? Ha!)
But I asked Mama Llama – why give all that power to someone else? You want to feel like a Hoochie Mama again? Don’t wait for a man. Feel like one now! Find it within yourself. Then see who you attract, who comes into your life.
In my own case – after my wife and I divorced, I felt discarded, pathetic, unwanted, unloved. I bet a lot of single parents can relate. Then a post-divorce girlfriend made me feel desired and valued again. I was on top of the world! But when she and I broke up, I was again at a loss – discarded, pathetic, unwanted, unloved.
I wondered, how could I reclaim that feeling? I needed her, of course!
I learned the hard way that relying on another person to activate that happy feeling inside yourself gives them all-mighty power over you. If they are pissed or disappointed in you, they can withhold the validation, and you feel pathetic again. You’ll do anything to get back in their favor. Tell me – why is that good?
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Over time, I learned to cultivate those good feelings within myself. To love myself for who I am. It didn’t matter what others thought of me. Now I find happiness by being happy and grateful for whatever good is in my life, and by giving love through compassion. Sounds very Buddhist, but whatever. No one has power over me to control whether I’m happy or feel like crap, and that’s a marvelous thing.
Sure, I have my down days when other people piss me off. And of course, I could use a pick-me-up every now and then. Who doesn’t love a smile or a kind word from others? My point isn’t to be emotionally disconnected from the world. It’s to cultivate happiness within.
Next time you find yourself obsessed with wanting the attention of others – demanding to be the center of it all. Wanting others to validate you as smart, or wise, or nice, or a sexy confident Hoochie Mama. Remember, you won’t be taking power from them. You’re already giving your own power away.
Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Feel good about who you are. You can’t buy love or respect. If you want that confident sexy feeling, find it within. Utilize the law of attraction, and let wonderful things come into your life.
Like attracts like. And who do you want to attract?
- Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
- Great Books for Relationship and Divorce Advice
- Online Dating Expectations
- Where Did My Mojo Go?
- Craigslist Dating for Women
- Play the Game of Life
- Sex and No Sex
- She Smiled, We Met
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Comment by Cathouse Teri
| September 19th, 2008
I agree. I always feel like a hoochie mama! ;)
I’ve written on this subject a number of times. And you’ve done a very good job here of validating those things, which is so cool coming from a man!
Who do I attract? I’m not sure I can answer that in a definitive way. I do attract a number of younger men, but I believe that is because they think I am their age. Men my age will jump on it, though, as soon as they find out how old I am. (Ha ha… I said jump on it!)
You have a great weekend, Dads. :)
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..This…
Comment by mama llama
| September 19th, 2008
Good post, Dads. I appreciate the wise words. I am not particularly looking for all that; I just know how good it is for me with the right partner to help bring that out.
I responded…then it turned into a post of its own, so you can read my rebuttal (HA!).
I hope that your Dream Woman turns out to feel so electrified by you! That would make me happy!
Be well, Dads.
mama llama’s last blog post..hoochie mama
Comment by T
| September 19th, 2008
Do I even need to tell you that I love this post or do you know me well enough by now?
Perfect. Exactly. Precisely. Absolutely. Without question.
HELLS YEAH!!!
That’s all I can say!
Love,
Hoochie Mama T
T’s last blog post..Happy Birthday Rose!
Comment by SingleParentDad
| September 19th, 2008
You go girl ;-)
SingleParentDad’s last blog post..Damaged Goods
Comment by The Exception
| September 19th, 2008
Reading this made it sound so easy – and sometimes I think that it is. Just a matter of picking the clothes that suit you, finding a hair style that brighten your mood, waking up in the morning knowing that it will be a great day and that you are quite the MILF!! (Which I have no doubt ms Llama is)
And yet, there are those days when it isn’t that easy. When one has to find a way to quiet the voices and look beyond the visible to the known. It is hard to look in the mirror and see the amazing person that we are. It is a wonderful feeling to have someone there to remind you that you are sexy and desired. But, when that person isn’t there (and even when they are) I agree with you – we have to learn to see all that we are (the love and the compassion and the sexy) in ourselves – even if we are wearing pony tails with sweats and haven’t showered! ;)
The Exception’s last blog post..What is the Modern Dating Age???
Comment by Phil
| September 19th, 2008
I hate leaving a post when I agree… If you are looking for someone or something to make you happy (as in long term satisfaction), you’ll never find it. You’ve got to do it yourself!
Comment by Holly Hoffman
| September 19th, 2008
You know, I have the opposite problem. I feel sexy, confident, hot when I’m NOT in a relationship. Something happens when I’m a few months into a relationship though. When I break up with someone, it kicks back on. I feel tough, fearless, independent, and incredibly sexy. I’m trying to figure this one out…
Holly Hoffman’s last blog post..A schedule monger no longer
Comment by dadshouse
| September 19th, 2008
Mama Llama – great response on your site. Here’s a link so readers can easily find it. Response to Dad’s House
Teri and T – I love being in agreement with sexy woman!
Phil and Single Parent Dad – you go boys!
The Exception – I get what you’re saying, but then I’ll ask, why attach your happiness to whether you feel sexy or not? The Dalai Lama suggests the purpose of life is to be happy, and the way to happiness is by giving love compassionately. Everything else is just your mind playing tricks.
Holly – that’s really interesting. I think we all have parts of our personalities that shine when we’re single, then withdraw when we’re with someone. Or vice versa. Relationships activate different emotions, fears, hopes, etc. than we have when we’re single. Won’t it be great for you to figure out how to feel tough, fearless, independent, and incredibly sexy when you’re in a couple!
Comment by The Exception
| September 19th, 2008
I didn’t intend to imply that happiness is attached to feeling sexy. Just as happiness is not attached to feeling needed, wanted, or appreciated. It is, as you suggest, something that we must find within ourselves. I think that we can be sexy and happy at the same time, but we can be happy without being sexy as well. Just as we can be happy as singles or with a partner – having a partner does not equivocate happiness and yet often we associate the two.
Comment by Laura
| September 19th, 2008
I read this post earlier and have been thinking about it all day! (the one for yesterday too actually)
I have to echo what The Exception said – you do make is sound so easy! At the moment I am finding it very hard to get all the validation from myself!
I am happy! I am sexy and confident and I know what I want. I STILL want someone else to tell me that! To be the centre of their world – even for a bit!
I am still thinking about all this though!
Comment by debra
| September 19th, 2008
Holly makes an interesting point, for me the feeling of sexiness doesn’t go away when I am in a relationship, but it certainly changes. When I’m flying solo, I agree completely, there is a ‘tough, fearless, independent’ sexiness that softens into a different, though no less confident sexiness when I’m with someone. I think it is natural to have to adapt your personality slightly to be a complimentary part of a couple, and part of that, for me, is to curb the independent, fearless, ‘by-myself’ attitude. It can often be a tough transition, since, sometimes, it is the fearless independence that attracts some people, and when I lose that harder ‘edge’, what attracted them is lacking.
Every time I have read (roughly paraphrased) ‘the purpose of life is to be happy, and the way to happiness is through giving love compassionately’, I am reminded of the diffferent kind of hapiness that comes from being in a couple. On my own, I’m a pretty happy person. When I have the opportunity to be compassionate, loving and supportive of someone I care a great deal about, it absolutely leads to a whole other level of happiness.
Comment by dadshouse
| September 19th, 2008
Oh, Debra – that’s a wonderful insight! What you wrote here: “When I have the opportunity to be compassionate, loving and supportive of someone I care a great deal about, it absolutely leads to a whole other level of happiness.”
I think that’s why parenting is so rewarding. Because we have a chance to be loving and compassionate to our kids, unconditionally.
And you’re right, when you find a partner you feel that way about, and you’re able to demonstrate that love and compassion, then it leads to a whole nother level of happiness.
You just made my Friday!
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| September 19th, 2008
What a way to head into the weekend. This is why I was at body sculpting class last night (now tell me: why are there always NO men in body sculpting class?).
Relationships are so important to us as humans, even if they’re not intimate. There’s power in connecting. Yes?
Comment by Kitkat4real (SOLO dot MOM)
| September 19th, 2008
Totally agree. Take back that power, I always say. If you are confident in your own skin and feel beautiful; others will find you attractive. You carry yourself differently when you have that kind of confidence.
And no I don’t think that sounds buddhist. ;)
Kitkat4real (SOLO dot MOM)’s last blog post..Time for the TALK
Comment by Honey
| September 19th, 2008
Perhaps that’s why I don’t want kids, DM–I don’t need to feel like I’m the center of anyone’s world! I’m the center of mine :-)
Honey’s last blog post..Finances and Dating
Comment by A Solder's Wife
| September 20th, 2008
I remember when my ex left me….I wasn’t feeling particularly sexy (2 kids, a mortgage, full time job, not enough hours in the day, let alone any for me)…you all know how that is….but I figured as long as I felt good about the aspects in my life I could control…. the rest would take care of itself….13 years later I am just as in love with the man who “happened” into my life. He didn’t make me happy, I did…..he just makes that happiness better….in those special ways.
I think we all just want to find someone in life to share our world with….isn’t that what life is truly about, spending it with those we love? I never really viewed it in a couple sense, that just kind of happened…..not sure what it would be like now….maybe I’d be just happy with great friends and casual sex (but don’t let my teens hear you say that, because that is just not something that is ever allowed, or so I tell them!)
Sexy is not how you look as much as in how you feel…..it’s a state of mind…..right T?
Comment by citizen of the world
| September 20th, 2008
Here via Mama Llama. I’m a single parent, too and I know that feeling of wondering what’s ahead. I do want a partner in life, but I no longer worry so much about it – I feel much more confident after a year out on my own.
citizen of the world’s last blog post..The War in my Backyard
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| September 21st, 2008
I am late to the convo again, but I wholeheartedly agree. You are the only one who can really make yourself feel amazing. And why does love, affection and mutual appreciation have to come from an SO? I get daily love from my friends, in and out of the blogsphere. They raise me up daily, and I do the same for them.
Whatever it takes to make you feel good – working out, dancing, craploads of makeup, an old outfit worn a new way. Do what it takes to save your own sanity and feel good about yourself.
This is a tangent, but I found that keeping those who make life positive around me really helps my world view. There is power in positive thinking. There is power in knowing who you are and cutting poisons out of your life. Sometimes you need to cut your losses, and invest in yourself over others. When you are happy and loving yourself, others will too.
Comment by single mommy
| September 21st, 2008
I loved this post! “I learned the hard way that relying on another person to activate that happy feeling inside yourself gives them all-mighty power over you. If they are pissed or disappointed in you, they can withhold the validation, and you feel pathetic again.” This is so true. Incredible the lessons we learn on this journey. However for a little pick me up just after the separation, I’d go to my old office for a visit and enjoy the silly cat calls ;)
Comment by Cheery-Wise
| September 22nd, 2008
The Buddhist Singlehood Happiness Theory… I think you’re onto something!
Dad: I just stumbled upon your blog looking for advice about teen insurance in two-family homes (my 16 year old lives full-time with me). I don’t usually comment so soon, preferring to lurk around in the background a bit first. But I already know I’m going to share you (that is, this blog) with my PWP (Parents Without Partners) friends. There is some great insight here: I look forward to exploring these posts further.
Cheers!
Comment by Jenelle
| September 28th, 2008
Completely true! I recently went through this phase, but thankfully never actually got around to doing anything about it, HA. Focusing on myself and doing some self reflection is the only way I am going to find the right mate at this time in my life. I’m certainly not looking for someone, but if I meet someone who happens to become a friend and then something more, well, that would be wonderful. I’m a young single Mother who is completely devoted to inner self acceptance and knowledge, I hope to find someone who his comfortable with who they are and can compliment me in a positive way. Going out and seeking attention is NOT the way to do it in a healthy manner. Besides, I expect more from a man as well.