Virginity? It’s So Overrated
I was a virgin for way too long. And when I gave it up, the experience was majorly awkward. Fast forward several decades and I’m wondering – what took me so long? Virginity is so overrated.
My parents raised me to think that virginity was a thing to carry into marriage. I didn’t make it that far, by any stretch. But it burned a purity notion into my young mind. Forget about sex – if I kissed a girl, should I marry her? We should at least date. And if we dated and fooled around, should I marry her? You get the drift.
Sometime after my first sexual experience – like, the very next moment – I realized that sex was good. Fun. Delicious. Amazing. As necessary to life as water and bread.
Looking back, I now wonder why any virgin would hold out for marriage. I’m not old-school religious anything, so I find nothing sacred in the first sexual act. Don’t get me wrong, it shouldn’t be taken lightly, or even auctioned off (aheam, Natalie Dylan and Raffaella Fico.) But my reasons are more for emotional maturity than anything having to do with God.
Great sex is more than two bodies getting it on. It involves the spirit. Think tantra. Two spirits entwined, coming together as one, the universe crashing over and through you. Think full body orgasm. Mmm.
Tantric sex is way more spiritual than giving up your virginity and getting laid the first time.
The more sex you have
the more present you are to the moment
the more aware you are to your internal rhythms
the more connected you are to your partner’s energy
the more compassionate you are with your intent
the more willing you are to open up and let it all fly
– the more spiritually connected you’ll be to your intimate partner.
And that, my friend, is how you’ll have the best sex of your life.
Virginity? It’s so overrated.
Today’s post is part of Virgin Day at Honey and Lance. Check out the other posts!
- Honey and Lance
- Beauty of the Year: Virgin Vendetta
- Effy: Why Wait? An Argument Against Saving Yourself
- Hot Alpha Female: Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby
- Evil Woobie: Why is Virginity a Big Deal Among Filipinos?
- Infinity: The More Touchy Part of Dating: Sex & Virgins
- Quest for T: Virginity: A Girl and a Mom’s perspective
- 20-40: The Value of Virginity
- 20-40: Losing Your V-Card, Big Deal or Big Whoop?
- Bobby Rio at TSB Magazine: Virgins for Sale
- Holly Hoffman: How my mom helped me lose my v-card
- The Modern Savage: The Dilemmas of Male Virgins
- Single Mom Seeking: Why I’m aspiring to be a virgin again
- I Date White: The Brotha Virgin
- Dad’s House: Virginity? It’s So Overrated
- My Secret Hobby: Virginity, what’s the deal?
- The American Virgin: Let’s Talk Virgins
- V-Carded: Virginity Roundtable
- Yankee in a New World: You Dragged a Rampaging Virgin Out of Me
- Honey: Was Losing My Virginity Worth it?
- Lance: I’ve Had Sex With Three Virgins And I’m Gonna Tell You About It
- You-Know-What-us Interruptus
- Putting the EX in SEX
- Hooking Up – I Just Want To Be Your Lover
- Rebound Sex Coffee Date
- Taking Third-Date Sex to a New Extreme
- Where’s the Happy Ending?
- Scarlett Johansson in a Hot Sexy Threesome
- PreTeen Sex Talk With a Girl
- David Letterman Joke About Bristol Palin Pregnancy
- Palin Levi Break Up – Humor
- Couples Tantric Breathing Exercise
- US Patent 587994 – Male Chastity Device
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Comment by mama llama
| October 1st, 2008
Overrated?! Yessir.
As is “Senior prom is only for Seniors.”
As is promises for “Sweet Sixteen.”
And on, and on, and on. Ah, the BAGGAGE!
As a child constantly fed a diet of grandiose life events that have only led to massive disappointments, I now find myself a woman who is working hard to rewrite her slate; instead of relentlessly searching for all that was “promised” me but that never came true, I now work daily to reinvent what are truly great Life moments, and help my children to see the joy in the everyday menialities rather than blindly accept and anticipate one “great” event.
When my pushing-7 year old and I talk about sex, I make it a point to never preface it with “marriage.” The best sex I have ever had was not in marriage, and I do not regret that. I think that talks ought to involve the emphasis on connection but coupled with responsibility; when my children are ready to face any possible consequences, then perhaps the time will be right.
Thanks, Dads. Be well.
mama llama’s last blog post..a random assortment of chocolates
Comment by Karen
| October 1st, 2008
OK not the smartest blog to read when u get to work. I am now wound up wanting to head to my man’s house! I finally found that wonderful, emotional, tantric sex at 45! You are so right..it is an amazing wonderful spiritual experience. K-
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 1st, 2008
Virginity is definitely overrated.
But I disagree with you on one point.
I’ve had plenty of great sex that was just two bodies getting it on.
That is not to say that there is not such a thing, though, as GREATER sex. :)
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..Am I My Brother’s Keeper?
Comment by Laura
| October 1st, 2008
Everywhere I go there is SEX! Isnt Virgin Day supposed to NOT be about NO SEX *sigh*
I am rather frustrated today – I spent the entire day with a HOT HOT man talking about how we really wanted each other but couldnt!!!!
Was pretty intense but left me turned on and now all my blogging buddies are throwing it in my face ;-p
Cool post though and yes virginity is TOTALLY overrated!!!
Laura’s last blog post..Crossing the Colour Line in South Africa
Comment by The Exception
| October 1st, 2008
I waited, not until I married (I would still be waiting) but until I was ready to actually share and give myself. It sounds a bit hopelessly romantic as I write it, but that is what I did. There wasn’t any guilt associated with it; my parents never encouraged me to wait. It was all me. (I also realized all the possibilities… which might be why I wanted to know myself a bit better in order to share me with someone else)
The nature of sex changes with age as does our understanding of ourselves and the actions we are undertaking. We can have sex for the sake of sex or we can really have “sex” and be more in touch with ourselves and our partners.
I am not sure why people wait as long as they do. A friend of mine (guy) waited until he married after he was 30) But I am not sure that there is anything missing when we wait a little – until we know ourselves and our bodies a bit better – until we understand the depth of the act rather than just its surface value.
And all that said, sex is a lot of fun – from start to finish and everything in between!
The Exception’s last blog post..Petits Mort
Comment by zlie17
| October 1st, 2008
i totally am addicted to your blog, even though I never commented before.. but i did share a few with my older sister who is amidst a separation, pending divorce (shared with her the kids’ schedule and she thought it was a great schedule)
anyway– virginity is overrated. though I do wish i waited a little longer. the first time is awkward. bleh. though It wasn’t until after multiple partners later when I finally started liking sex with current boyfriend.
Comment by SingleCustodialDad
| October 1st, 2008
I think sex is overrated in the context of that first time. Considering that the average age at which a kid loses his or her virginity is in the late teens, it’s hard to imagine it’s anything more than two hormone driven bodies coming together…not that there’s anything wrong with that. But to think that it is or can be some sort of tantric experience might be reaching a little.
I do believe getting it “out of the way” may allow a person/couple to be less focused on “getting it/doing it” for that first time. And in that context would probably aid in opening that person’s eyes to other things or possibly progressing the relationship to the “next level”.
But in the end, it’s just sex. There’s so much more to a fulfilling relationship than sex that a person choosing to explore these other aspects before committing their bodies is another sign of maturity versus someone feeling mature or experienced because they’re no longer virgins.
Comment by Phil
| October 1st, 2008
You’ll be forwarding this article to your daughters, DH?
It’s not that virginity and purity is so great, it’s the maturity and responsibility of sex (and potential parenthood) that some people aren’t ready for.
Comment by Lia
| October 1st, 2008
I agree with Phil. It isn’t that being a virgin is so great it is that at points in your life you aren’t ready for it. Do you want your 16 year old daughter to be a virgin right now?
I actually think that virginity is really important. I don’t think my daughter needs to be married to be having sex but I certainly want her to wait until she is ready.
Lia’s last blog post..Rollin’, Rollin’, Rollin’
Comment by Nicole
| October 1st, 2008
Virginity is good for young people-
the first time is awkward… and they are not probably ready for the emotional relationship that sex involves;
with that said – you bring up a great point about how wonderful and sharing and connecting the act of intercourse is!
Comment by T
| October 1st, 2008
Great post Dad!! I love me some Tantric sex! Don’t you find that it comes more naturally with some partners than others?
T’s last blog post..Virginity: A Girl and a Mom’s perspective
Comment by QTMama
| October 1st, 2008
Sex is like a fine wine, it only gets better with age.
I hope that’s true when I’m like, 80. ;)
QTMama’s last blog post..Possibilities, Updates, Dick and Emilee
Comment by dadshouse
| October 1st, 2008
I love what Mama Llama wrote about not focusing your life on a few “grand” events, but instead learning to enjoy the everyday things along the way. Great stuff.
Phil – I’ve had frank discussions with my daughter about sex. (See my post, How to Talk to Your Daughter About Sex) Part of that post talks about safe sex. I won’t be emailing today’s post to her. But I also won’t shy from the topic when she’s ready to address it.
I am not advocating teen sex at a too young age. I’m saying I was raised to “wait until marriage”, and I think that doesn’t work. It’s not healthy. It puts too much emphasis on the “grand event” of losing your virginity. I’d rather the focus be on what it takes to have better sex – two partners coming together in a deeply connected spiritual and emotional way.
For most people, that happens in a committed relationship. It’s not a necessity for tantric sex, but is what usually works best, especially for younger people.
Comment by Evil Woobie
| October 1st, 2008
Virginity is like the wall that one has to scale before he can really say that he’s an adult. :D I guess those girls are auctioning it off because some men would love to have the bragging rights of saying they went first.
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| October 1st, 2008
I don’t know how I feel about all this. Maybe it is overrated to some, but I do know people who wait for marriage. And it means a lot to them. So by saying virginity is overrated, I feel like it is being trivialized. That being said, I get what you mean. I just don’t think everyone will.
And not everyone is a virgin by choice – some just can’t get it together! If anyone reads V-Carded, the blog by the Virgin, you know what I mean. It is not like everyone has and or takes the opportunity to get laid.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| October 1st, 2008
My teen is now older than I was when I “lost” my virginity — and why do we focus on the “lost” and not what we “found,” like the wonderful things sex offers? But I digress.
I have never regretted it — it was with my boyfriend whom I loved.
What does being “ready” emotionally to have sex mean, anyway? I have friends in their 40s who are now divorced and no more “ready” for sex than some of my friends and I were at age 15. That’s not to say that I’m encouraging or even want teens to have sex. I think you sort of know when that’s right for you if you’ve been fortunate to have been raised by a parent(s) who talks about sex and pleasure and honesty and love and respect. Sadly, a lot of kids haven’t …
Kat Wilder’s last blog post..Time to vote — hot or not?
Comment by Cheery-Wise
| October 1st, 2008
Dads, I’m not sure if you’re talking about losing your virginity or great sex. I don’t think one has a lot to do with the other (I mean, aside from the technicality of it!). I have to agree with SingleCustodialDad on this one.
Personally, I think it’s ill advised to wait until marriage. A good sexual relationship is so much a part of a healthy marriage. If you’ve chosen your life partner before you’re had a chance to discover if you’re compatible in the intimacy department – or never having explored the different kinds of touch and pleasure and ecstasy that a variety of partners can bring before you ‘settle down’ – well then, I’d say you’re lucky if the relationship lasts five years.
Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in advocating for a “wait til you’re in a loving, committed relationship” argument with my own kids. The thing is, nowadays kids don’t wait until they have a boy/girlfriend to take it to the next step: they just ‘hook up’. Sex without strings. Sex without love. Sex more for the sake of doing it, than any kind of great spiritual awakening or fulfillment. (Gosh, that sounds a lot like booty call!)
I wish they taught a class in high school about this Tantric philosophy (along with balancing your checkbook and auto repair)… well, okay, maybe adult ed?! LOL
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| October 2nd, 2008
Well, no duh! Of course “virginity” is overrated. It’s also a totally perverted concept:
It’s like: Sex! It’s a big part of being human! But OMG, we have to stop it at all costs!!!! And make people feel guilty about it, so they are f*cked up the entire rest of their lives.
Such a great concept! (not!)
It’s really weird that our society has a specific word for a person who hasn’t had sex yet. It’s as if afterwards they are suddenly a totally different person–and most definitely worse. Why is it good to define people by their sexual histories and ignore the rest of what makes them human? It’s so very reductionist, so very denying of everyone’s humanity. It’s exactly like defining a woman as “good” or “bad” by how much of her hair is covered/ankle is showing blah blah blah. Just. Stupid.
This stupid idea is the driving force behind all those perverted “purity” pledges: to emphasize the really sick and distorted idea that everything important about a person’s morality and worth rests on One Physical Event that may (or may not!) occur in a person’s life.
But of course the Physical Event usually does occur, since it’s a major part of being human. But hey, we should all of course be made to feel like crap about that!
Why this focus on making people feel guilty about wanting it, about doing it? Why are we supposed to suppress it for the good of our moral souls? It’s really twisted.
I have 2 kids entering the teen years. We talk about sex. I try to answer their questions accurately and honestly and appropriately, without toxic moralizing. I don’t want them to grow up hating their bodies, feeling ashamed of their human wants and needs. I want them to be able to fall in love and experience the joys of spiritual love combining with the physical.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me *when* my children start experiencing this part of being an adult human—I just want them to be OK with it (and safe!) when they do.
What my children don’t need? Toxic, self-hating, anti-human, moralizing and negative attitudes towards sex! So keep your purity pledges and “virginity” away from my kids!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 2nd, 2008
Cheery ~ I was definitely from a background where I was taught only to have sex when in a loving, committed relationship. To be sure I was in love before having a lover. But God damn ~ I was in love a lot! ;)
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..Am I My Brother’s Keeper?
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| October 2nd, 2008
Love that one Kat… maybe it’s not what you lost, but what you found.
Good one.
Comment by Honey
| October 13th, 2008
One of these days I’ll have to see if I can talk the BF into trying tantric sex. He’s many wonderful things, but a philosophical soul he is not.
Honey’s last blog post..I PWNed this Blog, Bitchez!!