How to Pickup Women, Dad’s House Junior Edition
Dad’s House Jr., a middle school student, is going to his first dance! Is he nervous? Nah. He learned the art of approaching women from watching his old man in action. Plus, he has plenty of Axe body spray.
More importantly, Dad’s House Jr. is hanging out at the dance with his buddy Lance Jr., Honey and Lance’s secret bastard child. Let’s peek in on the two boys as they hit on middle school girls…
LJr: Dude, what are you waiting for? This place is crawling with hotties.
DHJr: There’s a girl from my math class over there. White dress with blue flowers. Her name’s Lisa.
LJr: Perfect. Go talk to her. Do it before she looks.
DHJr: What!? I can’t just talk to her. I don’t know if she likes me.
LJr: It doesn’t matter if she likes you. Be confident and she’ll eat it up. Attraction isn’t a choice.
DHJr: I don’t know. What do I say?
LJr: Try the horse girl opener I taught you.
DHJr: She just looked over.
LJr: Crap. Too late. If you approach now you’re breaking the three second rule. She’ll be ready to fend you off.
DHJr: I could surprise her by bringing her a glass of punch.
LJr: OMG, don’t ever bring a girl a glass of punch. Are you freakin’ nuts?? She’ll think you’re trying to hit on her. Might as well tell her you think she looks “pretty” or something. It’s low value, really low value, and guaranteed to get you blown out.
DHJr: Wait, but, I actually do think she’s pretty.
LJr: Don’t be retarded. You want her to think you don’t like her and that she’s a big dork. That will trigger her attraction and get her chasing you.
DHJr: Uh-oh, her girlfriends just joined her.
LJr: Now they’re a 5-set. Too late, you’re blocked out.
DHJr: She’s still looking over here, smiling and laughing.
LJr: Might as well attack Fort Knox with a BB gun. Forget it. Let’s find you a new set.
DHJr: I’m going in. I can do it.
LJr: Whoa, sparky, you can’t go in now—
DHJr walks across the dance floor and approaches Lisa and her friends.
DHJr: Um, hi.
Girl 1: Hey, Dad’s House Junior. Or is it Dad’s Hut? (they all giggle)
DHJr stuffs his hands in his pockets, and looks to Lisa for support. She smiles, but doesn’t say a word. A moment of awkward silence.
Girl 2: Did you come all the way over to just stand there? Or are you going to ask Lisa to dance?
DHJr: Um, well…
Girl 1: Um, well, she can’t dance. We’re having girl time.
Lisa darts her eyes and glares at Girl 1, then gives DHJr an apologetic smile.
Girl 3: How come your buddy Lance Jr. didn’t come over with you?
Girl 4: He’s afraid of our girl power.
DHJr blurts: Actually, he kind of thinks you’re dorks.
Girls 1, 2, and 3: Say, what!?
The other girls give each other wide-eyed looks. DHJr realizes he’s onto something. He got them to react, and the focus is no longer on his way-too-obvious approach. Lisa is looking at DHJr with a mixture of shock, confusion, and admiration.
DHJr: And I’m thinking maybe he’s right.
Girl 3: We’re the dorks?
Girl 2: Bring him over here!
DHJr: Nah. You girls enjoy your girl power moment. I’m going to go hang with my homey.
DHJr walks back towards LJr. LJr laughs and gives him a thumbs up.
LJr: What did you say to them? They’re really in a tizzy.
Sure enough, the girls are chatting like crazy, look over occasionally at DHJr and LJr.
DHJr: I told them they’re dorks.
LJr: Dude, seriously? To their faces? That’s totally nuts!
DHJr shrugs: Oh, well. Let’s hit the punch bowl.
LJr: Wait. Check it out…
Girls 1 and 2 are striding purposely toward DHJr and LJr. The others follow behind like barnyard chicks…
Will Dad’s House Junior get the girl? Will his making Lisa think he doesn’t like her work to make her like him? Will they slow dance by the end of the night? (You know, that middle school style of slow dancing where bodies don’t actually touch.)
Got an opinion? Tell DHJr what to do!
Chaperones are standing by to relay any and all advice to our young ward…
- Miley Cyrus Boyfriend Justin Gaston Too Old? Nah…
- Boys are the New Girls, Women are the New Men
- Hot Teachers
- Sexy Miley Cyrus Pics and Back-to-School Gear
- Hot Mother in a Boys Clothing Store
- Talking About Sex With Your Preteen Son
- Smashing Pumpkins, If All Goes Wrong DVD, Fillmore Residency Show
Note: Parts of this post got the official Lance treatment (as if you couldn’t tell…)
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Comment by justrun
| October 3rd, 2008
Ugh. The games really do start early, don’t they?
(A little jaded right now, which may or may not have influenced my comment.) :)
Comment by Laura
| October 3rd, 2008
LOL that was funny man!!!
Very cool of DHJnr actually – he thought on his feet!
I reckon he got the girl (or girls)
Comment by lisaq
| October 3rd, 2008
Haha…that’s awesome! Can’t wait to see if he gets the girl..and the slow dance!
lisaq’s last blog post..Date or Spanish Inquisition?
Comment by SingleParentDad
| October 3rd, 2008
Blimey.
The force is strong in this one.
Top teachings!
SingleParentDad’s last blog post..We Don’t Get To See Max’s Mom Much
Comment by T
| October 3rd, 2008
OMG. That is freakin’ hilarious! And sounds JUST LIKE LANCE!!!
Ha ha ha!!!
And sadly… so true. At least in jr. high. We don’t still act like that, do we? With the girl power and all?
Sheesh!
T’s last blog post..My brother, the race car driver
Comment by The Exception
| October 3rd, 2008
Too cute! Thanks for the smiles this morning.
Games… UGH!
As for the ending – I am seeing a chat and a slow dance with Lisa, this is Dad’s House after all!
Or should that read “Disney after all”? ;)
The Exception’s last blog post..Believers and Lovers
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 3rd, 2008
My advice to Little Dad ~ if you keep hanging around Little Lance, he will have all the girls and you’ll be destined to be the eternal friend to girls. You’re the understanding and sensitive one, but most of the time, you’re just making him look good. ;)
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..Am I My Brother’s Keeper?
Comment by loriann
| October 3rd, 2008
Girl Power unleashed ~ I fear for Junior & Lance’s safety!
I believe the young lads are about to be circled and have the **** kicked out of them! (Of course, this scene will be documented by video, to be posted and viewed on YouTube before being pulled) Once the boys are put in there place the dear Lisa will want to “take care” of Junior and soothe his bruised ego ~ he’ll get that special dance :-)
Good stuff DH !
loriann’s last blog post..Smashing Pumpkins, The Fillmore Residency
Comment by Honey
| October 3rd, 2008
Well, I was really subtle in naming my “secret” bastard child Lance Jr., eh?
As long as he’s home by 11, he’s free to do what he likes at the dance.
But if he’ll take some advice from his old mom, I think that when the girls ask why he thinks they’re a dork, he should backpeddle a bit and say that he never said that they were DORKS, but that something they did/said was DORKY.
Don’t do anything your dad wouldn’t do, Lance Jr.! Oh, wait, I can’t think of much that would rule out…
Honey’s last blog post..I’ve Had Sex With Three Virgins And I’m Gonna Tell You About It
Comment by Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)
| October 3rd, 2008
Great story… I say he gets his special dance :)
Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)’s last blog post..Serenity
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| October 3rd, 2008
Ugh. I’m not sure I can believe that even young girls at yr son’s school are “into” such lame games. Srsly? My 9 year old daughter would see thru those approaches!
Is this how it really happened? Or did you come up with this by using literary license and a huge dose of imagination?
Comment by dadshouse
| October 3rd, 2008
This hasn’t happened yet. I thought people would guess that based on “Lance Jr” being in the scene. My son’s first dance is this weekend. This fictional account is based on the behaviors of some of his classmates. My son has told me about teasing from some of the girls. The pack mentality is something I witnessed last week at a school sponsored family picnic.
There are a lot of great kids in our community, and this by no means is a reflection of all of them! But it’s definitely something that could play out.
He’s excited for his first dance. We’ll see if he comes home smelling like perfume! :-)
Comment by Lance
| October 3rd, 2008
LJ is a total stud. A real chip off the old block!
Lance’s last blog post..Natalie Dylan on CNN; She Doesn’t Look Like A Virgin
Comment by Treemama
| October 5th, 2008
Every boy/man I ever dated started out by teasing me.
It’s the perfect flirtation device.
Nice post!
Treemama’s last blog post..Starting Boo’s Quilt
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| October 5th, 2008
OMG I can so picture this! Lance Jr, what a stud! DHJ – can’t wait to see what happens…
NewWrldYankee’s last blog post..Traveling in Europe : An Insider Guide
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 10th, 2008
I don’t like being teased. If a guy teases me, he’s pretty much shutting down his chances.
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..It’s a Funny Girl Kind of Day
Comment by Easy Life
| October 20th, 2008
Did he get the girl ??
Comment by Solomon King
| October 21st, 2008
Totally late n all, but this was a sweet story.
Did he get the girl?
Solomon King´s last blog post..o! for a horse with wings!