When Single Parents Need a Hug
Last week was rough for me. Two female friends had to cancel on me for different reasons, and some important non-events at work let me down. What’s a dad to do? Why, get a big hug from his wife, with a reminder that there’s plenty in life to be happy and grateful for.
Um, except for one thing. This dad is divorced and in between dating relationships. There’s no woman to dole out hugs.
Sometimes a single parent just needs a hug from another adult. Physical intimacy is a very good thing. Problem is, more often than not, there’s no adult to give one out. What can you do? (I have some good female friends who are very huggy, but they aren’t at my 24/7 beckon call.)
I suppose you could just up and ask someone. Like at work: “Excuse me, but I really just need a hug right now. Won’t take more than a minute. Did you need to use the copy machine, after we’re through?” Or a neighbor: “I need to borrow some sugar. Can you give me a big hug, while you’re at it?”
Yeah, right.
I suppose there’s family. But some of us don’t have family around. Sure, I have my kids, and I give them hugs every day they’re with me. But to receive a hug from an adult is a far different thing. And believe me, I really needed one.
My first solution: turn to the internet. I dialed up craigslist, looking for an impromptu date. I found someone to meet for coffee, smiled and chatted and flirted like crazy (no, I wasn’t aiming for a booty call). Sure enough, we hugged hello and goodbye, and even hit it off well enough to want to meet again.
But a greeting hug isn’t the same as being held.
My second solution: sleep and ignore the feeling. I napped like crazy all weekend, trying to quell the swirling energy within. That kind of sort of worked. But it left me wanting.
My third solution: playing soccer in the adult league. This was great, totally took my mind off things, and made me feel like I was contributing to something. (Even though I did lift my foot while making a throw in. You know, the kind of AYSO mistake a 7-year-old would make.) But when the game ended, I once again felt disconnected and alone.
Finally, my daughter took me out to a park to kick a soccer ball around. She had noticed some problems with my kicking form. I could pass the ball just fine, but when I went to shoot or cross it, my kick had no oomph. She broke down my technique, got me to focus on the details, and voila, improved my strike on the ball.
And you know what? All that intense mind-body detail, coupled with her caring enough to want to help me improve, made me feel totally better.
I still haven’t figured out how kicking a soccer ball with my daughter can replace an adult hug, but it did on an emotional/energy level. Don’t get me wrong, I know that need-to-be-hugged feeling will come back again soon, and she can’t kick the soccer ball around with me at all hours. Nor should I rely on her to fill that void.
But this weekend, it was just right to help me remember there’s plenty in life to be happy and grateful for.
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Comment by SingleParentDad
| October 6th, 2008
*Virtual man-hug*
I’m with you David. But strangely I went for the options you laughed off! I was out this Saturday, an away football day with some of my chums. We rounded off the night with a few drinks, and it had been a very long day, and I really needed a hug. I check availability from a few ladies at the bar, they looked at my like it was a naughty euphemism, which it wasn’t, and sadly they remained unconvinced, and me un-hugged.
SingleParentDad’s last blog post..We Don’t Get To See Max’s Mom Much
Comment by mama llama
| October 6th, 2008
I have long said I am starved for physical contact. The other day, some girlfriends and I were talking about pedicures, while awaiting our children’s release from school. I spoke of my first pedicure, in January, in five years and how I cried because I just haven’t been touched in a care-giving way in so long.
I have always been a hug-loving person, naturally. Coming from a non-huggy family, this was always a challenge for me. I have had a really tough day yesterday, spent mainly curled up in bed in tears, and really could have used a hug. I miss hugs, male and female. I am afraid to hug male friends in that I might give “the wrong idea” so I go without. I miss male strength and the warmth their hugs always give–and I’m talking purely platonic. I have never been held in my marriage–it has been so long since I’ve been held, I don’t know how I would handle it, although I long for it.
sigh. Now to the shower to cry some more. Hell of a post, Dads. Be well.
mama llama’s last blog post..how not to cry?
Comment by lisaq
| October 6th, 2008
It’s damn hard sometimes isn’t it? I’ve had lots of days like that lately. Still haven’t gotten my hug fix, but family and distractions have helped some.
lisaq’s last blog post..Polyamory
Comment by The Exception
| October 6th, 2008
The touch of another is difficult to replicate – though I do try my best! There are some days when any touch would be nice – on the arm, hand, arm across the shoulder… a hug *sigh* After my ER adventure last night, I could use a hug or a shoulder to lean against.
You time with your daughter sounds priceless in itself, but you are right in that our kids are our kids with their own lives etc. That touch and emotional connection/intimacy/companionship needs to come to us from another adult.
And who knows, maybe we need to be open to receiving that energy from different sources and in so many different forms.
The Exception’s last blog post..Love Games
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 6th, 2008
I was thinking this should have read:
I had a rough week. So what’s a man to do?
Find out how great and lively a thing it is to be a dad.
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..Am I My Brother’s Keeper?
Comment by Kat Wilder
| October 6th, 2008
No wonder your soccer playing made you feel good — exercise kicks in our endorphins.
Have you heard of cuddle parties? That would definitely work, although they seem a little creepy.
Maybe we all need to organize an emergency hug team, and when you’re on call, no matter what you’re doing, you drop it, run and hug. Hey, these are tough times — Gotta be creative!
Kat Wilder’s last blog post..Daddy grows up … fast
Comment by GG
| October 6th, 2008
Touch is so important. In my second year of college, I took off to a school about 1500 miles from home where I knew no one because I thought it would be fun. I was working full-time and going to school at night and, although I did meet a few guys on Match back then (loooonnng time ago when Match was brand new), I wasn’t getting touch from anyone. At the end of that stressful year, I can remember asking one of my classmate/friends for a hug and he actually turned me down!! :( I burst into tears and realized then that I needed the support and comfort of my family around me. Packed the car and headed back to DC – best decision I could have made. All this is to say that yes, you don’t realize how much you need a kind, reassuring touch until you can’t get one.
(((HUGS)))
GG’s last blog post..Ay!
Comment by Holly Hoffman
| October 6th, 2008
A big Web hug to you! I told the BF when we started getting serious that if I seemed off-kilter there were 4 things that could be wrong – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. He asked what the remedies were, and I told him “Food, nap, hug.” I love big sqeezing hugs that feel like they push your soul back into place and keep it from wafting out of your body. There’s nothing like it. My mom was great at them, but it’s hard to justify the plane ticket. I’m lucky to have a few friends who get, and who totally understand if I come over for coffee and ask for a big hug at the end.
But, perhaps, you ought to find these guys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4.
Holly Hoffman’s last blog post..Allowing the Writer Within to Shine Through
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| October 6th, 2008
<<<<>>>>>> for you.
Won’t your new lady friend be there soon for some huggin’?????
Comment by T
| October 6th, 2008
I love this post. I feel this way too though I do what I can to hug everyone I meet! I am a completely touchy-feely-huggy person! Every now and then, I will hug someone who gets it – who understands what a real hug should be like.
I met my girlfriend’s old boyfriend a few weeks ago. He greeted me with a hug and said he felt like he already knew me from what he’d heard from my friend. I’ve since seen him a few times with her and forget it, when he hugs, I am melted butter.
He wraps his arms completely around me, relaxes his body into mine, and exhales. Then he will inhale slowly and exhale again… all the while holding me in a complete embrace. Its like we knew each other in another life these hugs are so damn good. I barely even know this guy and his hugs satiate my need for an entire day!! Its such a rare thing, a hug like that.
And yes, there is something about just being held. Maybe we need to start a hug group for single parents? Just meet once a week and all take turns holding each other. Wow. I really like this idea.
Long distance cyber hugs DH!
T’s last blog post..Rediscovering Me
Comment by Twenty Four At Heart
| October 6th, 2008
Next time book yourself for a massage. People need human touch. A massage may not be a hug, but I really think our bodies respond to being touched in a very positive way. Plus, it takes a way a lot of stress and that can only be a good thing!
Comment by dadshouse
| October 6th, 2008
SingleParentDad – isn’t that funny. It’s probably easier getting a phone number or even hooking up than getting a hug from a stranger.
Mama Llama – I know the feeling! About a year after my divorce, a girlfriend helped me pick out a jacket. I was floored. At the time, I hadn’t had a tender gesture like that from anyone in way too long.
Teri – I am happy and grateful for the time I spend with my kids, but I don’t think it’s healthy to put the burden of my adult needs for touch on them.
Kat – cuddle parties seem weird to me! I’d rather hug someone I know, and have it be more organic than contrived.
24 – massages are great, but hugs are quicker and free. :-)
All, great comments! Go hug a single parent today.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 6th, 2008
Dads, that is not at all what I said.
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..Am I My Brother’s Keeper?
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| October 6th, 2008
Yeah, I recognize that need.
Hugging my kids helps (although I have it easier than your situation, since my kids are still young and will put up with this!).
Another thing that really helps is getting a full body therapeutic massage. I go to a sports medicine-approved therapist–it’s not sleazy at all. Just relaxing. It’s a way to pamper yourself without the unhealthy side effects calories or alcohol, and it lowers your stress level, boosts your immune system, and satisfies somewhat the need to be touched.
Comment by The Dotterel
| October 6th, 2008
Interesting! And I remember that feeling so well. There’s nothing like that certain kind of hug, even though Sally and I hugged loads when her mum left (for mutual comfort). I think there’s a very basic human need for that kind of contact, whether it’s sexual or not. It’s such a shame we’re not open and tactile enough to simply go for it.
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| October 6th, 2008
Oh, and as posted above, a pedicure is great for dealing with this!!!!
I don’t see why you as a man couldn’t indulge in a pedicure! After all, it’s a great way to meet women!! There’s more single women at a nail salon than Trader Joe’s or Chi-chi’s, I can guarantee you!
If you feel like you need an excuse, 2) just tell them you’re “pre-diabetic” and need to get regular pedicures for your health. (It’s not completely a lie, most Americans are supposed to be pre-diabetic these days.)
Comment by liz
| October 6th, 2008
I had a lengthy discussion with a fellow single parent (a single dad, actually) about how we miss being touched/held/hugged more than we miss the sex. Because the sex can be found in other places, but it takes someone special to really deliver the hugs (and comfort that comes with them).
Sending hugs your way!
liz’s last blog post..Instability, Upheaval, and Guilt
Comment by Lance
| October 6th, 2008
Sports, my friend, sports help with all that stuff.
Lance’s last blog post..Natalie Dylan on CNN; She Doesn’t Look Like A Virgin
Comment by singleworkingmommy
| October 6th, 2008
I think it’s just connecting with a human being–no matter it daughter, mother, friend, brother–who cares. Your daughter cared to help you improve your strike. She’s a good daughter, and you connected with her. Knowing that someone else cares, in this case your daughter, more than she or he HAS to care, is a good feeling–and probably what you were in search for.
Good luck finding that awesome woman hug. Where’s dream woman?
singleworkingmommy’s last blog post..I Want to Throw Up Part 2…
Comment by SDMktg
| October 6th, 2008
I have a girlfriend and I still find myself wanting that comforting hug on tough days when she can’t be there and I either don’t have my kids or they’ve gone to bed. I agree massage is great if you can afford it and the massage schools are cheaper than spas.
I’m amazed that you can just go on craigslist and find a date that quickly. It took me a couple of months just to get a first date between relationships. I am glad to see you didn’t list “drink away the loneliness” in your post. It doesn’t work and you feel worse the next day.
SDMktg’s last blog post..Octoberfest Hottness
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| October 6th, 2008
David, call me next time, okay? I’m serious.
I was in your neck of the woods this weekend. A hug during an Obama fundraiser? We could have pulled it off, I’m sure.
Single Mom Seeking’s last blog post..An ex is calling. Advice?
Comment by justrun
| October 6th, 2008
Sometimes even just single people, period, need someone to hug.
Comment by dadshouse
| October 6th, 2008
I totally agree that childless single people might run into this same problem of needing a hug. The difference to me – when I was single and not a dad, I had a great support group of single friends. Some would drop by unannounced for no reason, some I could visit and hang out on their couch. I even worked with single women who I could ask for a hug, and get one, no big deal.
Once married, all those things dried up. No more drop-in dates. No more hugs at work.
Once divorced, and settled in suburbia with most of my friends now married, hugging became awkward.
So, while I understand the lack of contact is a problem for anyone, I think it’s even worse for single parents. We have built-in constraints that make it harder to date, get out and mingle, etc. (Especially here in Silicon Valley, where census data backs me up in saying there are more men than women.)
As for this CL date – CL is a super easy way to find someone to meet up for something casual like coffee or a drink. If I filtered the results with ideal match checkboxes, then it can take weeks or months to get a date.
Comment by single mommy
| October 6th, 2008
This post really hit home for me. I’m always hugging my 3 year old and we snuggle a lot too.
But I miss the tender touch of a man, one who cares and really just wants to absorb it all through a hug.
I’m sending you a virtual hug RIGHT NOW!
single mommy’s last blog post..It’s been a year
Comment by loriann
| October 6th, 2008
Well DH
I logged on this morning expecting to read of the escapades of Junior and Lance, instead I found a moving piece of writing that stayed with me throughout the day. To receive a hug and to be able to give a much needed hug is a wonderful gift. My daughter, at 21, will still, when visiting home from school, sit herself across my lap while I hold her tight, rocking in the lounger while I hum a tune as I used to do from the time she was a newborn. In these trying financial times, so much going on in the world, I very much miss having a partner to hold me tight.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Comment by Laura
| October 7th, 2008
I can so relate to this!!!
And the copier story, while rather funny, is actually true. There is a guy I work with – I am in no way attracted to him but he looks like he can give a nice big hug and on these “I need a hug” days I often play out HOW I could get a hug from him!
Laura’s last blog post..Conversations in colour
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 7th, 2008
I have a relationship right now that is the most fulfilling relationship I’ve had with a man in my entire life. I’m forty-eight years old and this is the first time I’ve been with someone who really and truly is there for me when I need them. And it’s hard for people to know when I need them because I make every tough thing I go through look easy. The people who care about me know I can do it alone because I have. So they think I don’t need help.
Last night, I was trying to open a bottle of wine. I was in the kitchen. My hunk of a man was lying down in the other room. I was determined not to bother him AGAIN to open my bottle, because I always ask him to open everything that is even slightly difficult for me. I stood there struggling with that bottle. There was a moment where I realized I was just not going to be able to do it. I was filled with a sudden and very strong emotion of helplessness. I swear to you, I almost started crying. I thought, “I CAN’T DO THIS!” And then I did it.
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..Beggars Would Ride
Comment by Cheery-Wise
| October 7th, 2008
Cat, I think that ‘helpless’ feeling can also be a strength, ya know?
I too am pretty self-reliant. I can do anything… at least, I can figure out how to do most anything. But every once in a while, when I’m seeing someone special, I am reminded how it can be a blessing *not* having to do it all on my own.
In my mind, there is something ‘right’ about having a man in my life who easily does the day-to-day things I struggle with: fixing a computer glitch, carrying something awkward up the stairs, hooking up cords and wires, helping the kids with math homework, fiddling with the car engine to fix the whatchamacallit, reaching the top shelf, mowing the lawn, taking the garbage out…
There are many nurturing aspects in my personality that complement the struggles of ‘my man’ (that elusive soul mate out there): knowing when he needs a neck massage, miraculously having the right ingredients to make an impromptu ‘just-what-I-was-hungry-for’ meal, taking care of the kid’s appointments, throwing a successful dinner party, listening with sympathy to his troubles at work, providing the right amount of gentle encouragement and TLC, making him smile (making me smile), giving a hug without any prompting.
Two people are good when they ‘fit’ each other. In many ways. Finding that right person, when you have a full life with kids, that’s the trick. Even here in California, where the ratio is reportedly in the female’s favor. :)
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 8th, 2008
No doubt, Cheery. Very well said. :)
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..Beggars Would Ride
Comment by T
| October 8th, 2008
By the way, I wrote a response to this post today… if you’re interested.
T’s last blog post..Receiving the love
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| October 8th, 2008
That is a beautiful story. It actually inspired me and made me feel like I got an adult hug too. Thank you so much for sharing this on a low day of mine.
Comment by Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)
| October 10th, 2008
This was a great post. I am just now getting a chance to play catchup from a crazy busy week at my office. And I just got a mile long email from a good friend that is tiffed at me…blah blah blah and so I am now one of those that could use a hug right about now…. and my kids just left with their dad!
And so it goes….
Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)’s last blog post..Bedtime Puppies… from Youtube.com
Comment by Barry Morris
| October 12th, 2008
I think I miss those type of hugs the most. Honestly speaking, ‘being strong’ for my 12 y.o. son takes its toll and sometimes the need to collapse into a partner’s loving, supportive embrace is palpable. A great post and one that brought tears to my eyes immediately. Thanks.
Barry Morris’s last blog post..The Economist Survey of Obama v. McCain
Comment by Barb
| October 12th, 2008
I tried to explain to a friend the other day that there is a difference between being horny and being physically lonely. I couldn’t think of any other way to describe it. Horny I can take care of…may not be the same and sometimes leaves you feeling lonelier but it’s different from wanting to be held and just wanting to “be” with someone. Wish I were closer…if you’re ever in Atlanta there’s hugs-a-plenty waiting for you. Thank you for opening up and sharing the way you do…I’ve found such peace and comfort in reading other single parent blogs!
Barb’s last blog post..Reality Sets In
Comment by Abby
| October 12th, 2008
I am a new reader and this post has me hooked! Thank you for putting to words what I have been feeling too much lately. It is at least nice to realize others are feeling many of the same things I am. Thank you for sharing!
Abby’s last blog post..Or once every six months, but who’s counting
Comment by Dr. Jenn
| October 14th, 2008
Man, wouldn’t it be nice to have hug buddies at our disposal! Sad comment on our society that sex buddies are more common than hug buddies! It reminds me of when someone looks into your eyes and says totally earnestly, “How are you?” and you burst into tears, because no one ever stops to really ask, who wants to really hear. Today, let’s offer a hug and a sincere “How are you?” to someone, anyone. Spread the love.
Dr. Jenn’s last blog post..Smart Tips for Long-Distance Online Dating