Dating After Divorce
Here’s a question inspired by a discussion topic on the Facebook Single Parents Connection group: When is an okay time to start dating after divorce?
Depends what you’re looking for.
When I first separated from my wife, I was like a chicken with its head cut off. For two months, I was so busy setting up my new household, I didn’t have the time or desire to date. But once every towel, mop and sponge was bought, and I didn’t have to dash to Target every night, I became lonely when my kids weren’t there. I needed a hug. I needed sex. I thought I needed a relationship.
In retrospect, I probably rushed some things, took too long for some things, and did some things exactly right.
If I had it to do over again, my dating after divorce timeline might look like this:
- For two months after separating – date no one! Set up your home. Get into a routine. Wait until you are done crying, and are bored and lonely.
- Three months after separating – see point one about crying.
- Four months after separating – go get laid. It’s good for the soul. Find someone online who isn’t the perfect match, but is good enough to make you feel good about yourself. Have some drinks. Wear protection. Don’t sleep over.
- Nine months to a year after separating – fall into a relationship! Just know it probably won’t last a lifetime, even if it feels that way while you’re in it. If you get past two months with the same person, you’re doing good. But watch out for any interpersonal problems that remind you of your marriage. They are signs you still have work to do!
- Three years after separating – now you are finally ready for that LTR. Knock yourself out! Find your dream partner. Have tons of sex. Give lots of hugs. Be happy. You deserve it.
If you’re like me, and years have passed since separating, and you’ve been in some LTR’s but haven’t remarried, don’t worry! It will happen when it’s right. Just keep working on yourself. Be aware of what motivates your actions and thoughts. If it’s all coming from a place of compassion, you might just be happy even if you’re still “alone”.
Oh, and have tons of sex. It’s good for you.
Single parents dating:
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- Dating Sexy Single Moms Gets Sirius
- How to Ask a Teacher Out
- Jon and Kate Gosselin Dating Craziness
- Long Distance Dating for Single Parents
Modern dating:
- Craigslist Dating for Women
- Myers-Briggs Love Sexy Personality Type
- Love vs Fear
- Are Women a Recession Commodity?
- When Hanging Out is Better Than Dating
| 
Subscribe | © 2008-2010 David Mott, DadsHouseBlog.com. All rights reserved.
Comment by lisaq
| October 15th, 2008
I’m going on 5 years…I should be go to go right? ;)
Gotta work on the tons of sex part…
lisaq’s last blog post..What Works For You?
Comment by Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)
| October 15th, 2008
Yeah I don’t agree about the tons of sex part… that’s just my opinion; but I do agree on the three years after the separation being a good time table to consider something serious in a relationship. But then again, I’m still single and was separated officially October 13, 2003… so what do I know?
Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)’s last blog post..ER-Log #2 Her Hero
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 15th, 2008
I agree with Katherine’s disagreement about tons of sex. :)
It’s important for everyone to realize that not everyone is cut out for casual sex. In fact, most people aren’t. And if you try to force that, it will wind up being an emotional disaster.
But this statement I found to be quite profound. And can be applied to all retrospection of life:
“In retrospect, I probably rushed some things, took too long for some things, and did some things exactly right.”
We can’t really expect more than that from ourselves.
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..I’m Just Wild About Harry
Comment by T
| October 15th, 2008
Agreed!!
And I agree with Teri too. This is a good overall timeline but each of us has our own lessons to learn, as you did.
T’s last blog post..Two
Comment by dadshouse
| October 15th, 2008
Oh, I didn’t mean casual sex when I said “tons of sex”. I meant that sex is good for you, and it is! If you choose to have that with one partner, great!
As for rebound sex – that’s more in line with you just having met someone and you sleep together, but maybe you’ve not yet healed from the pain of divorce. You probably won’t sleep with that person for the rest of your life. Hence, it’s a “rebound”.
Comment by Jim H.
| October 15th, 2008
To all women who posted here: You don’t get it. Men are simple. We want sex. It’s in our programming.
…and you women know it. In fact, that’s the MAJOR PUNISHMENT you use against us – withholding sex. Ever do that to your man? Or how about this: Having sex A LOT in the beginning of a relationship to try to “hook” a man?
Personally, I want sex as often as possible. I’m 37. We never, ever get tired of sex. We’ve even developed a pill to help us so we can keep on truckin’ in our later years!
If you’re “not cut out for casual sex”, we’ll move on to someone who is.
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| October 15th, 2008
That’s why I like reading this blog. DH lets us women take a peek into the inner workings of the male brain, and it seems like it’s all about sex! DH is not afraid to pull the curtains away… Sometimes I’m surprised/disappointed by what I read (seriously, is it ALWAYS all about sex?), but his honesty is refreshing.
Comment by KD @ A Bit Squirrelly
| October 15th, 2008
I wish my brother would read this. I really enjoy reading your blog because I feel like it is helping me be a better friend and sister to my brother while he is going through his divorce with his two children in the mix. Thank you.
KD @ A Bit Squirrelly’s last blog post..Reasons I Am Really a 55+ Empty Nester
Comment by Big Papa
| October 15th, 2008
Take it from a fresh perspective, meaning that I am as green again as I could ever be in this single dad dating forum. First of all it is not ALL about sex; it is mostly about sex. What does this mean exactly? I will share some of this insight on my new blog (not to compete, but merely to express and add a different viewpoint) to this challenging and interesting world or single parenting. Do you want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? come by and visit. It is in it’s infancy so don’t expect too much. And thanks to Dad’s House for stepping up for us male single parents.
http://yoursingledaddy.blogspot.com/
Big Papa’s last blog post..How Much is Too Much?
Comment by Laura
| October 15th, 2008
mmm very interesting! I did a few things too fast but not sorry I did them!
I am approaching 3 years – some days I do think Iam ready for a ltr and others not!
Laura’s last blog post..Things I have learnt
Comment by staciesmadness
| October 15th, 2008
great advise…even in a time when I feel like I will NEVER date again…
staciesmadness’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Comment by staciesmadness
| October 15th, 2008
PS…I have to get through the divorce first. ;)
staciesmadness’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
Comment by debra
| October 15th, 2008
“If you’re ‘not cut out for casual sex’ we’ll move on to someone that is”. And we should thank you for that, the moving on part. ‘Lots of sex’ can be either casual or committed, some can only enjoy it in a committed situation, others seemingly only in a casual setting. To each his own. I won’t disagree with the comment that men want sex (lots of women do too), but I do have to object to the implication that all men just want casual sex in order to have lots of it. Maybe this is an indicator of when you’re ready for a long term relationship? When you feel like you’ve sewn the wild oats that need to be sewn, and what you crave is no longer just to get laid, but to connect? Just a theory.
Comment by loriann
| October 15th, 2008
This January I will be 9 years out. For the first 6 or 7 years I was adamant that I would NEVER marry again. Funny, you know the old saying “Never, say never”. My thinking has softened. Working on some long-term goal setting in a class I’m taking, I realized that I would like to be married again. In a happy, monogamous, committed and loving relationship would be ideal ~ with lots of sex of course! And if marriage came from that union ~ I would marry again. As others have commented ~ casual is not for me. And I agree with Jim, SOME men are simple and move on ~ one track mind and short attention span are also not for me. To each his own.
Comment by Lance
| October 15th, 2008
Three years seems like a long time to me to start an LTR, but I’ve never been married and divorced, so I’ll defer here. I absolutely think anyone getting out of a serious relationship (including marriages) should get out and start dating again, quickly. Obviously, I’m a proponent of the sex part!
IMO, what a lot of people forget is that sex is more than just physical pleasure. It makes you feel like a man or woman, and that’s super important to our emotional and mental health. If you can do that safely and intelligently, it’s only a good thing, even if it’s “casual.”
Lance´s last blog post..Lance De-Virginizing Service
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| October 15th, 2008
OMG, that’s exactly what I did! Though I must say, I felt kind of slutty. And I had to go back to square 1 after I realized I had fallen into dating seriously for 4 months a “Mr Wrong in the Same Old Way”.
But I think I’m on the right track now.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 15th, 2008
David ~ I must say that I am quite sure that you meant casual sex. Because to say “have lots of sex” is a given! Everyone should be having lots of sex all the time! This is always good advice. But when you are newly divorced, and you have plenty of offers for sex, it’s tempting just to f*&k everything that moves. Men will say that this is a healthy and important step. (And that it only comes natural because after all, they are MEN and men are made for f@%king and there’s no getting around it… it’s all about sex for men and on and on and on and f&*king on! Jeez. Give it a f*_king rest, will ya, fellas?) Women will say that they just lost their minds and wanted to feel wanted. Whatever. I think it is rarely a healthy step to just f@&k whenever you get the chance. I won’t say it’s never healthy and I won’t say it’s always unhealthy. But believe me when I say I know MANY divorced people, both men and women. The men tell me stories of how they had lots of casual sex and found it to be empty. The women tell me stories of how they had lots of casual sex and found it to be empty. This is not a necessary way to find out that sex alone is an empty pursuit. Still, like children, we just wanna find out for ourselves, right?!!
I am only giving you the information that I have gathered from the masses. I personally have had lots of sex with many, many partners and have had no trouble with it. But I do not think I am the norm.
As for Jim H. ~ I think I can be fairly sure that you have no clue about who “gets it.”
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| October 15th, 2008
A question for you and other divorced parents out there:
What if you actually (amazingly) do end up dating Mr (or Ms) Perfect?
I know what to look out for, all the red flags. But I don’t know what’s sensible to do when I encounter an authentic Mr Right!
And what if everything’s going great? And it’s been 6 months exclusive? And I’ve known him as an acquaintance and work colleague already for 16 years, so I know he’s employed, educated, financially and emotionally sound, we have some of the same long-term friends, etc. And he’s great with my kids.
How do you react when he wants to “get more serious” and starts talking in the nicest possible way of exploring the possibility of commitment (marriage) sometime in the future and etc?
I responded by going into a panic, sorry to say. Problems are:
1) I cannot ever see getting married again! To anybody. I don’t want to risk it for my kids’ emotional health, or for my finances (which are still rebounding from the last one). Not for quite a few years, anyway.
2) I’m 47 and not interested in having more kids. He doesn’t either, but then, why get married?
3) I don’t want to just “live with” someone while my kids are still young. But they’re 9 years old—still a long way from college.
4) I’ve gotten to like having my own space. I like my house, where I finally got things organized and my life put back together. I like having a few evenings a month to spend alone, focusing on my own thoughts. Do I really want someone else (& their stuff) around 24-7?
Comment by dadshouse
| October 15th, 2008
Teri – if you are quite sure of my intent, then you are quite wrong. I did not mean casual sex when I said “have tons of sex.” I am not a man who f#^ks everything that moves, and I am not a proponent of that lifestyle. Most of the sex I’ve had in the past year has been with the same woman. I much prefer it like that. Please don’t project your own past experience, or your perceptions of other men, onto me or anyone else!
Comment by Big Papa
| October 15th, 2008
Ok, why not indulge me and read my take on the whole “sex” thing at
http://yoursingledaddy.blogspot.com/2008/10/sexual-healing.html
and then perhaps you could comment further…
Big Papa´s last blog post..Sexual Healing
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 15th, 2008
MC ~ All very valid questions. I would respond (as a divorced parent) but I hesitate, as I may be accused of projecting.
Anyway, I’m off to buy a projector.
No kidding.
;)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by debra
| October 15th, 2008
Mad Cartoonist – I have to believe that if you listen to yourself, you’ll make the best decision; in your heart you know what is sensible for you and your children. Even if he is Mr. Right, if it doesn’t match your timing, or what you are ready for, or what you want for you and your children, don’t ignore your own feelings about it. If he is Mr. Right, he’ll try to understand and respect your needs. As far as the panic reaction, maybe it’s your subconscious making sure you don’t ignore it? So many people see things in black and white, and ignore all the beautiful shades of gray in between. Why does it have to be either ‘just dating’, or married, two very distant points on the spectrum? Isn’t it possible to have a fullfilling, loving, committed relationship without all the legal and financial entanglements so many people struggle to get free from after divorce? If you’re happy with the way things are, why not enjoy it the way it is? Just my opinion.
Comment by The Exception
| October 15th, 2008
Oh the things I miss sometimes!
This was David’s schedule and does not apply to everyone. I know men that leave the marriage long before the divorce so they are very happy and ready for relationships before the three years are up. I have read studies that suggest that divorced people aren’t ready until they have been on there own, dating, etc for 5 years. In the end, it is all about each, the lessons that need to be learned, the processing, and when each believes the time is right.
Mr Right at the wrong time is not Mr Right – and we are the only ones who know when the time is right!
That said, we can’t live our lives isolated either… to find love, one has to be willing to open up and give love!
Ah Teri – I am sure that in your conversations with the masses, you know that “Lots of sex” is not a given in any adult relationship!! Lots of sex is desirable and desired by many of us, but from my conversations… it is not a given at all. (I know many that wish it were!!)
The Exception´s last blog post..Friday and Beyond
Comment by The Exception
| October 15th, 2008
And wow – what shiny new ads grace the right sidebar of Dad’s House!!
The Exception´s last blog post..Friday and Beyond
Comment by Big Papa
| October 15th, 2008
Take a poll on how many times you are having sex in a week:
http://yoursingledaddy.blogspot.com/
Big Papa´s last blog post..Sexual Healing
Comment by dadshouse
| October 15th, 2008
Oh, Teri – sorry I said you were projecting. Would you rather I just say you’re wrong? :-) Anytime anyone makes a blanket statement about men, especially one that makes men look like f#*king idiots or thoughtless animals, is going to get shot down by me on my blog. I’d shoot down those sorts of statements anywhere I see them. Please don’t take it personally. If you preface your remark by saying “the men you know and have met”, then I can’t quibble, can I?
The Exception – yes, we aren’t all getting laid all the time, are we? However, I put the “get tons of sex” remark in my post because I have seen some single parents say it’s best to abstain from sex completely. I disagree with that approach. I don’t think it’s healthy. Just as they might disagree with me for enjoying an occasional booty call to shorten a dry spell. (I still think sex is healthy)
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 15th, 2008
I’d rather you just say I’m being a bitch! ;)
Actually, my “man” comment was not directed at you or your comments at all. And I apologize for making it seem so.
As for the people who are not getting tons of sex… I only meant that it’s a given that everyone SHOULD be getting tons of sex. And I was even kidding about that.
‘Nuff of that, I say!
TTFN! (Still shopping for projectors.)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by loriann
| October 15th, 2008
dadshouse
You once wrote something to the effect “I don’t know how you do it” in regards to my decision about abstaining from sex. I love sex and I miss having a partner in my life. Currently I’m in the midst of a long dry spell ~ but I much prefer the quiet of a dry spell than the emotional emptiness of a meaningless interlude just to break the spell. At least for me, I need the connection of love and intimacy. I have the sense, and I could be wrong, that you think it’s unhealthy to go a period of time without sex. I’m comfortable with myself and I know what I want. I don’t want to settle. I fully understand that there are people that enjoy a healthy sex life and that casual encounters fit the bill for those times between relationships. As for me, I’m not wired that way ~ at least not anymore. Been there, done that in my late teens and twenties ~ it’s a different world from 1980 :-)
Can we agree to disagree?
Comment by The Exception
| October 15th, 2008
Sex is healthy – most definitely. Science backs that up. Good sex is probably more healthy than just sex for sex sake – good meaning when there is more involved emotionally. But that is JUST my opinion I don’t have the science to back that statement.
But everyone does things differently. If people don’t want to engage until there is that connection – more power to them. If they can find that connection more easily than others… again, that is great.
And Teri is right – we all should be having more sex – the kind of sex that we want to be having… whether that be with intimacy or a ring on our finger or for the experience of another body. That human to human (I could have said on there but I didn’t) connection has measurable impacts in so many ways.
The Exception´s last blog post..Friday and Beyond
Comment by Honey
| October 15th, 2008
Lots of sex (with a connection) is always a good thing. But I don’t think that “having a connection” is synonymous with “finding the perfect monogamous life partner,” as some people suggest here. I would imagine many, if not most, people are perfectly capable of connecting/sharing/comforting/even loving, in a limited yet satisfying way with someone that they know they won’t/can’t spend the rest of their life with.
Not understanding the binary of “either it’s casual OR they’re ‘the one’.” Where’s the middle ground?
Honey´s last blog post..Morning Sex (And Other Sex)
Comment by loriann
| October 15th, 2008
The middle ground is where we learn, over time, if the person we are with is “the one”. I simply can’t go to CL and look for a casual encounter, or go out to a social event and hook up with someone to break my dry spell. It’s just not me. I realize that some may perceive this as my limitation. That could be. I don’t believe that I’m “unhealthy” because I’m choosing to not have sex, without some connection. I guess what I think of “casual” is different from others. When I write “casual” I’m thinking of meeting someone for the first time over drinks/coffee and ending up having sex with them. Again, it could be my own limitation ~ I desire/want/need more.
Comment by dadshouse
| October 15th, 2008
Loriann – I think there are a lot of people who only want sex if there is that emotional connection, and that seems just fine. That brings you peace. I have met a lot of women like that – they can go months or years in a dry spell, and it doesn’t bother them a bit.
I have not met any guys who can go that long. I think guys have an easier time disconnecting and just enjoying the act without the connection. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel emotion or spiritual energy. It just means we don’t need that deep connection to allow ourselves to have sex.
I think everyone has their own style. I will agree with the reader who objected to women withholding sex from men. Don’t ever go to sleep angry! Make love, fall asleep, enjoy life, clebrate your relationship.
Comment by loriann
| October 15th, 2008
The sweetest childhood memories I have are those of listening to my maternal grandparents talking about all their children and grandchildren each night before they went to sleep. They talked with each other every night. They never went to bed angry, never went to bed without the other beside them. They were still making lots of love well into their 70’s. They loved and cared for each other tenderly every day. They never passed each other without a touch. I want for myself what they had! Sweet dreams Dads :-)
Comment by Barry Morris
| October 16th, 2008
After my 15-year marriage ended, a counselor -whom both my then 7-year old and I saw jointly- recommended a divorce workshop hosted by a church in Los Gatos. I attended the 6 weekly sessions and came away with one thought – when I think I’m ready for a relationship, I’m probably just ready for sex.
Barry Morris´s last blog post..Single-Parenting & Emotional Kevlar
Comment by Me Thinks
| October 16th, 2008
Hmmm… such a debate over “have lots of sex”! And I didn’t even read all the comments.
I for one agree whole-heartedly with DMs advice. Unless YOU were cheating on your spouse prior to divorce, it is likely that there was virtually no sex (or bad sex, or regretful sex, etc) those last months (or longer) prior to divorce. I personally think going through that “lots of sex” phase – either with ONE person or casually, whatever works for you – is an important part of reconnecting to what makes you desirable, sexy, etc and making you feel good (unless you do things like “f^#k everything that moves” and later regret, you have to know whats right for you).
And yes, lots of sex should be a part of any relationship. I’m always stunned at how infrequently people do according to the polls on LTRs/marriages (who is happy with 3x/week? WTF?).
I do agree that for most people its at least a year or two before they are ready for LTR and even then, you may think you are ready but you aren’t. I made the mistake of falling into a relationship right away, too intense, too fast, I thought I was ready since my marriage was effectively over for a long time, but I wasn’t, it was all bad and I learned my lesson fast, thankfully.
I think the point DM makes is that you have to give yourself time to figure things out on your own first, then enjoy dating and reconnect with your sexual self before you are truly ready for a LTR – we as parents sometimes think of those things as “luxuries” when really they should be necessities.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 16th, 2008
MeThinks ~ that was an excellent way of summing up DM’s point. But I especially like Barry’s conclusion: When I think I’m ready for a relationship, I’m probably just ready for sex. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by Leah
| October 16th, 2008
Thanks for this timeline. Wish I had read this right after separating! I got into a very classic rebound relationship 2 months after separating. bad, bad, bad!
Now…almost a year since separating, and 4 months after my divorce… tons of sex has not materialized on the horizon. I’d settle for some hand holding and the new Coen Brothers movie.
Leah´s last blog post..Exhausted mama tries to blog
Comment by PooMaster
| October 21st, 2008
Well here is my timeline
Week one: anger, hate, resentment
Week two: Tears depression for her and the family
Week three: tears for the thought of our family
Week four: numbness
Month 2: making out with random women at the bar
Month 3: comboof week 1,2,3, because of month 3
End of month 3 and all of 4 and started talking to some one who I am considering getting serious with. I would have by now I just did not want to hurt her if I was not sure but I am.
I will do along term now because I know not to over look things this time around. I know what I want and it is statistically bound for failure anyway 1st marriage 41% divorce 2nd 60% divorce rate and 3rd 73% failure
[url]http://www.divorcerate.org/[/url]
Awesome!
PooMaster´s last blog post..If you are pissed I can help
Comment by Tina
| February 11th, 2009
I was reading your list above. I have a question. I have been single for 3 years now and I focused on being the only parent in my 3 kids’ life. Were do I start as far as dating or even having sex. I mean I somehow can be socially active and meet people when I am working, but when I got divorced I aso divorced our friends, so how were do I begin? Is there advise? Oh also do men see a women as a user for one nighters? Please!!! Thanks T
Comment by dadshouse
| February 11th, 2009
Tina – being socially active and meeting people at work can be a great start. Are there singles at these events you attend? Or can you and your work friends do things where there will be other singles? Be open to meeting someone, keep your radar up.
In nine years of divorce, I’ve met a lot of women through online dating. While only one of them actually became a girlfriend, online dating is a tool for meeting other singles who want to get out.
Most girlfriends I met through friends – at dinner parties, block parties, birthday parties, etc. Most of these events had a majority of married people, but I always found someone single at the bigger events.
I have stories and advice about meeting people and dating in the Dating tab above: http://dadshouseblog.com/dating/
Comment by Dafydd
| March 14th, 2009
I just wanted to say that I love this site
Comment by John
| December 21st, 2009
Don’t rush.
Seriously.
Wait.
Get to know yourself.
Date as an independent guy. You’re more attractive that way.
John´s last blog ..Guitarman