Temporary Isn’t All Bad
Guest post by y.debra, a regular Dad’s House reader.
It was David’s post about his family room that helped me think through how temporary my life has seemed over the past year. As a divorced single Mom, there was always something that I had to figure out how to live with ‘just for a little while’ until things settled down.
- finding a babysitter when I discovered I had to handle before and after school care and a full time job
- hiring someone to cut the grass (though T has inspired me to someday figure this one out for myself!)
- arranging playdates for my son so I could keep my training schedule (1/2 marathon in 2 weeks!),
- living in a house, now way too large for my son and I, half filled with the leftovers of furniture from my marriage.
Questions still swirl through my head, nearly two years after my ex moved out: Will I be living in this neighborhood next summer? Will my son be able to stay at his school? If we move closer to work, will he adjust to making new friends? Will I?
Everything just feels temporary. I don’t feel grounded, or secure. I don’t feel confident that I know where I’ll be in 5 years. And until the other day, all of this seemed overwhelming and negative.
Though no one ever actually said so, I grew up thinking that at some point, you had your life, and then you just proceeded to live it; no changes, no chaos, no major life decisions, no new jobs, new husbands and wives, new neighborhoods or careers. You went to college, met a man, fell in love, got married, bought a house, had children and lived happily ever after.
Turns out, that’s just not the way it works. I see that now.
I wasn’t prepared for the constant turmoil, life changing events, growing pressures, and personal growth (and stifled growth) of my marriage; things weren’t supposed to be so constantly temporary. I wish I understood then what I have now come to realize.
Temporary isn’t all bad.
Temporary is opportunity. Temporary is the potential for growth, self-discovery, and fresh beginnings, and, if we’re lucky, the chance to do things better the second time around. My life may not be what I ever imagined, it certainly isn’t the ideal I wanted for my son, and I have lost things that were at one time more important to me than they should have been. But this life I am in now is mine to figure out how to live.
I am responsible for the decisions that keep my son and I safe, fed, protected, happy, healthy and loved. I still don’t know where I’ll be living in a year, what school my son will go to, what I am going to do about summer child care, or if I’ll be able to visit my family for Christmas this year. Things are still changing. And things will continue to change, as my son’s needs change, as my needs change, as new friends and family come into our lives, and I will be grateful for all the opportunities those new, and sometimes temporary situations bring.
One of the most important things I have learned from reading many of your blogs is that when it’s not possible to change your circumstance, you have to change your perspective on how you see the circumstance you find yourself in. It’s this decision, to change the way I view my temporary life, that cleared my head, and put the smile back on my face.
y.debra is a regular reader and commenter at Dad’s House blog. In email she offered her reaction to being asked to guest post… My first thought was ‘absolutely!’ Hang out in Dad’s stylish living room, sipping Manhattans, Gimlets, or better yet Mojitos, waiting for the asparagus and salmon to come off the grill? That was just too good to pass up! Besides, while I’m here, I can give him that hug he’s been looking for! Okay, so I was only virtually invited, but here I am, if only virtually…
If you’re a blogless reader with an idea for a post you’d like to write for Dad’s House, send David a note: dadshouseblog[at]gmail[dot]com.
Thanks to y.debra for this heart-felt, insightful post!
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Comment by Exception
| October 16th, 2008
Wonderfully written! Sometimes we need that breath – that space between here and there to relax, adjust, and discover. If we keep moving, there isn’t time to learn the lessons… and think.
Isn’t it nice to know that by changing your mind or your perspective, things look a little different than they did before!
Nice post!
Exception´s last blog post..Friday and Beyond
Comment by T
| October 16th, 2008
Oh my goodness – I love this post!!!!
Exactly y.debra!! I couldn’t have said it any better myself!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. And thank you for your wisdom.
T´s last blog post..One
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 16th, 2008
Therein lies the key to happiness. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by Me Thinks
| October 16th, 2008
What a great post! I remember last year feeling the same exact way and telling my sister “I just want to feel like something in my life is permanent”. I have found in times where I feel stressed I take on projects, “feather my nest” as my mom says (erp, I just threw up a little in my mouth) to feel like I’m in control of something.
But guess what? There is something that isn’t temporary – being a parent is my constant no matter how old my kids get.
Everything else is always in flux. And I think I’m coming to embrace that. I’ve begun to really take pride in my accomplishments and the fact that I figure out the way to handle change on my own. And really, wouldn’t life be boring without change and the challenge it presents?
Comment by Twenty Four At Heart
| October 16th, 2008
Great post!
Today I’m talking about a topic that might interest a lot of the dads house readers. The subject is Faking Orgasms and the posts talks about both women AND men faking it. Hope you can make it over for a visit!
Comment by Tricia
| October 16th, 2008
Oh my word, y.debra, you spoke my heart. I’m swiftly approaching the two-year anniversary of when my ex moved out, too. (I filed immediately after, and everything was signed and finished a year ago this past July.)
Sounds like we might have a lot in common. It’s nice to know there’s other people out there who are going through the same things and feeling the way I am.
(P.S. — I had the ‘who’s going to mow the lawn?’ crisis, too. And I just grabbed the owner’s manual, sat down on my garage floor, and figured it out. If I can do it, you can do it. I actually kind of enjoy it, now.)
Tricia´s last blog post..No rhyme or reason, part II
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 16th, 2008
Quick comment on grass cutting. I think you have enough to do. Hire someone to cut the grass.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by dadshouse
| October 16th, 2008
Debra’s post really struck a chord in me, which is why I was so happy to put it up here in Dad’s House. I went years brooding, angry, hating my single parent situation. Only when I changed my perspective did the constant happy feelings re-enter my life. I’m still single, still running a household solo, but I enjoy the small moments and day to day life better now. It definitely is all about perspective.
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| October 16th, 2008
Wow, thanks for having Y. Debra over, I sure hope you served her a good drink.
So poignant, with all that hope gleaming through.
“Temporary is opportunity.”
Thank you for this.
Comment by staciesmadness
| October 16th, 2008
great post, thank you!
staciesmadness´s last blog post..Email Queen-but this one is funny
Comment by kira
| October 16th, 2008
You’ve nailed it! When life hands you lemons, switch them out for cherries. Curve balls are part of life, it is how we deal with the pitches that define us. Seeing your changes as opportunities is the perfect way to move on, to learn new things. I applaud you for your realization. Kudos!
kira´s last blog post..Civilly Uncivil
Comment by debra
| October 16th, 2008
Thanks for all the great comments!
I’m curious….what have other’s done to ‘feather their nest’ as Me Thinks puts it (your mother is a genius, I think!)? How do you make things seem less transient. If I’m feeling this sense of things being temporary, certainly my son does too. How do you make the shift, like David has, to make things more permanent and stable for your children and yourself?
Teri – new lawn guy coming this weekend; you are a wise, wise woman!
Tricia – I may be your evil twin! ; )
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 16th, 2008
The most important part of the nest ~ your bed! Make it a priority for it to be a place you LOVE to fall into. And the more feathers, the better!
Glad you’ve got the lawn guy coming! I mean, if someone loves to cut the lawn, I can see doing it, but parents ~ especially single parents ~ do NOT need more chores! :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by SDMktg
| October 16th, 2008
THAT’S IT!!!
You just captured how I’ve felt since the initial shock wore off after my split. I still have art waiting to be hung on the walls of my apartment because I keep hoping that I’ll be able to buy a place to live in the near future and where I’m at is just temporary. I also work for a start up company that’s on the verge of making it big (and has been on the verge for years) so that adds to the temporary sensation. Even my co-parenting situation isn’t entirely settled down and it’s been nearly 4 years.
My relationship with my kids is and always has been a stable part of my life and I make every effort to be as constant as I possibly can for them. I’m also fortunate enough to have a wonderful girlfriend who is very understanding and supportive so that makes life easier. My kids are about to turn 7 so I try to take things day by day because thinking about a lifetime of co-parenting and all of the unknowns ahead is totally overwhelming to me.
And I don’t have a lawn. I can barely keep houseplants alive.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Sweet G’s Shot of the Week – Parrothead Martini
Comment by dadshouse
| October 16th, 2008
Now see, I think the most important thing is the TV/rec room and the kitchen.
On TV room – when I got my place, the previous owner had the TV hookup on a wall so that when my kids were watching TV and I walked in the room, I saw the back of their heads. I moved the TV to a different wall so that when I walked in, I saw their faces. It made a WORLD of difference. I could see their faces when I checked in, and they could see the rest of the house. Plus, I put board games out there with easy access so there are options to do stuff besides watch TV. It’s a very homey room and we love hanging out there together. http://dadshouseblog.com/2008/09/23/tale-of-two-couches/
On the kitchen – I bought a complete set of pots and pans, and I cook every night. It’s not a chore – I LOVE it. It’s a passion and great stress relief.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 16th, 2008
Very good things to do with those rooms! But the bedroom is first. (you know, in my projective and humble opinion… hee hee)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by dadshouse
| October 16th, 2008
Ah, but you know what is often more fun on the couch! (Unless, of course, you encounter you-know-what-us interruptus.)
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 16th, 2008
You-know-what is often fun just about anywhere. But the bed I was speaking of was mainly for rest and a haven. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by debra
| October 17th, 2008
Teri- My bedroom was actually the first thing I did; funny you should suggest that. The minute my ex moved out, I rearragned furniture, bought new linens, put up pictures of my family, even bought some wonderful paintings from an artist in my neighborhood…a splurge I would never have made in the past. I still love my room, and you’re right, it is where I am most settled, it is my haven!
Now I suppose I have to buy a tv for my family room! :P
Comment by Me Thinks
| October 17th, 2008
The bedroom is a great project but IMO pics of your family do NOT belong where you are getting some nooky (bent over the couch is an exception)! Hee!
I do have to say the first big projects were my kids’ rooms, they love them now and are proud to show them off to their friends. That helped make them feel settled and grounded. I have an old house, previous owners had terrible taste so in the beginning I spent a lot of time doing cosmetic stuff, I’ve painted every room except one hallway. This year I’ve decided to spend my energy getting organized and using our space better.
Oh, I do have lawn service, that is 2 hours of my life I get back each week, totally worth it.
Comment by Leah
| October 17th, 2008
Love, love, love this post. There is so much wisdom in it, and so much comfort in the knowledge that the only constant in life is change. I can relate to so many of your emotions.
You know it’s weird, it wasn’t until reading this post that i realized that I have yet to redecorate my bedroom. Maybe that will bring some good lovin’ mojo :)
Leah´s last blog post..Falling
Comment by SDMktg
| October 17th, 2008
New kitchen stuff was a must when I moved out as was making sure I found a three bedroom so my son and daughter could each have their own rooms. I wanted new plates, new glasses, and pots and pans and I took the bed from the guest bedroom so I bought all new sheets for it. 600 thread count for comfort though that didn’t ward off the sleepness nights as much as I hoped it would initially. I have a TV in my room but my living room is 10 steps away with a 42″ plasma so I prefer to watch TV in there.
The funny thing is I thought my place looked very different than my old house but my mom asked why it looked so similar. I guess the differences were subtle and I had a lot of influence in the furniture, colors, etc when I was married. Our tastes had a lot of overlap so that wasn’t hard.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Sweet G’s Shot of the Week – Parrothead Martini
Comment by krn
| October 17th, 2008
Excellent post, y. debra.
Another lawn service customer here. It’s so nice to come home and see a carefully edged, freshly mowed green lawn at the end of a long day every week and know that our yard helper earned a little extra cash for his family by helping us out, too. :)