Long Distance Dating for Single Parents
When it comes to dating, distance is huge for me. I simply can’t drive more than half an hour to date a woman. I’m tethered to home by my kids, even though they’re now 12 and 16.
Female friends (in real life, and in the blogosphere) give me a hard time about this, saying there should be no distance too far to keep me from the woman I love. A romantic notion, I admit. But my kids come first. Period. That’s what makes me an involved dad and not a deadbeat.
Women remind me: But you only have your kids half the time!
You’re right, I have half-time custody. But I see my children practically every day.
On school days, they do their homework at my house even if they’ll be at their mom’s that night. I’m lucky enough to work from home, and they prefer hanging out with me than heading to an empty house. They both talk up a storm about their day as soon as they walk in the door. You can’t buy closeness like that! Especially in the teen years. There’s no way I’d give up that time. On evenings the kids are with me, we eat together as a family. It’s a great way to stay connected to their lives, and connect them to what’s important to me. But it also means I’m not available to skip out for a date.
On weekends, I try to go to most of their soccer and lacrosse games. I do this because I enjoy it. But I also know it’s good for my kids. I’ve read that a girl’s self-esteem skyrockets when her dad watches her play sports. Women and girls tend to be very self-conscious about their bodies. When girls run around in soccer shorts in front of their dads, it’s like getting a major-league dose of male approval. It helps them feel good about their bodies, no matter what shape they’re in.
My self-imposed distance rule wreaks havoc on my dating life. I’m sure Kat Wilder and Single Mom Seeking could set me up with their single girlfriends in Marin county and the East Bay. And there are plenty of single women in San Francisco, a 45 minute drive. Trust me – I’ve tried dating women in those places, and it doesn’t work. I simply can’t do a three-hour round-trip coffee date! I’ve even gone the super-long-distance route, dating women in New York and Los Angeles. It made for some hot phone calls, but physical intimacy was lacking. The dating relationships that have worked for me were with women within half an hour. I could visit when my parenting duties were done.
Here in Silicon Valley, census figures show there are 17% more single men than women age 24-64. I’d guess in the 30-something dating pool, that figure rises considerably, perhaps to a zillion percent. (Google engineers are still doing the math.)
Despite the poor odds, I’m sticking to my distance rule. I’m a single dad first, and a single man second. After all, you don’t really know what love is until you have children. And in a few more years, my children will be grown and gone.
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Comment by mama llama
| October 20th, 2008
Dads, everybody is different in what we can handle or tolerate, and it is unfair for anyone to judge another on those decisions. We all have different needs and requirements that stem from a variety of factors, including our upbringing, that come into play as we decide what we can and can’t deal with in a relationship. If distance is one of your factors, then so be it. As I’m learning, our reasons for separation differ so much that all there is left to do is respect the choices of our friends–whether or not we would follow that same path is irrelevant.
Putting your kids first is key, I agree…as long as your identity is not seriously compromised. I know–look who’s talking. It is a constant battle for me, but I’m also a lot newer to this situation and I am working on it…with a little help from my friends.
Nice thoughts, Dads. Be well.
mama llama´s last blog post..a spreader of the love
Comment by lisaq
| October 20th, 2008
Sadly, in Mapdot, there are few other options besides long distance dating. Obviously, our numbers here are considerably lower. It’s one of the reasons, I dated less when my girls were still at home. Now, driving an hour or an hour and a half for a date is the norm…much as I hate it. I’d soooo rather meet someone local. Unfortunately, they are few and far between.
lisaq´s last blog post..How To Date a Libra
Comment by Laura
| October 20th, 2008
I totally get this!!!
I used to drive nearly an hour to JHB to go on dates but just couldnt maintain it. Yes they would come this side sometimes too. But when he has a party there its impractical for him to fetch me and drive me all the way back there!
So now I stick close to home too. It just makes it easier for me and my baby sitting arrangements!
Laura´s last blog post..I am taking a time out
Comment by Veep Veep
| October 20th, 2008
OK one extreme to the next. Either right in town or you open your distance to New York. That makes it a bit hard to have …. dinner. ;)
How about trying to open your driving distance just a bit more than 30 minutes away. And I’m sure there are women out there who are fine with getting together after games, etc.
There’s no reason to wait until the kids are “out of the house”. Definitely won’t make you happy.
Comment by Exception
| October 20th, 2008
We all have different needs. It appears that physical touch is very important to you as often as possible. With this in mind, it is difficult to do the long distance thing.
However, the more you open yourself up to the world, as you are here – the greater the chance that you will meet a fabulous woman who does not live within your mile range. Do you close yourself off completely to that? Do you say no to your heart, to the universe, to whatever simply because the distance is greater than 30 minutes?
A long distance relationship isn’t asking you to move or change your priorities. It is simply wondering if you are willing to truly trust and open your heart and believe that wherever she might live, time and things will work out – that love is worth it – that finding that woman who you love and will love you for all that you are is worth it regardless of the distance… and no one is suggesting that you move from your kids!!
I have a friend who lives thousands of miles away from her heart – the man who shares it with her. Is it hard… definitely… but they can’t live in the same city right now. The love, I believe, for each of them is worth it – they love one another deeply.
To each their own DH – It is easy to find someone locally – but is it the right one? And isn’t love about opening up to all lpossibilities not those that you control?
(I don’t have the answers and don’t really date due to lack of time and energy to give to a relsationship… my daughter is my priority right now. I don’t think it is fair to bring a man into the picture because he would be second to my kid… so what do I know!!)
Exception´s last blog post..Having My Cake And Eating It Too
Comment by Exception
| October 20th, 2008
(and that was supposed to be “relationship”)
Exception´s last blog post..Having My Cake And Eating It Too
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| October 20th, 2008
I hear you Dad’s House.
I’m in the same place. Exactly.
The last time I tried to date long distance — he lived one and a half hours away — it really hit me hard: long distance dating doesn’t work for me, if I want to be there for my kid. And for ME.
Honestly, I think those census figures are meant to scare singles. Keep putting yourself out there. You’re good at that.
P.S. And you know that I would set you up, any day… I’m keepin’ my eyes out for single women from Silicon Valley.
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post..Single mom seeking advice… about moving
Comment by Big Papa
| October 20th, 2008
I’m a bit too new to this singles world to even have much of an opinion about this topic other than to say that I have a difficult time visiting my dear brother who lives just over the hill from me in a neighboring city.
“As the crow flys” he is about 10 minutes, but with today’s traffic conditions, it can sometimes take me upwards of 30 minutes to get there.
So, I can only imagine how disappointing it might be to meet an unknown for coffee, say…across the bay…and unless sparks fly or the conversation is exceptional, I would be a bit jaded and perhaps a bit more hesitant to make the journey again…but that’s just me.
Big Papa´s last blog post..I’m calling an Ex
Comment by Lance
| October 20th, 2008
My absolute limit for a local gf is 45′…might seem like a lot, but Orlando is so ridiculously spread out that it takes me 30′ just to drive to the friggin grocery store. We’re living in our cars over here. My current gf is a 25′ drive away, even though it’s only a handful of miles. We often meet in the middle for outings.
I’ve heard tons of stories about couples who make it despite massive distances (1000+ miles), so I wouldn’t disqualify someone right off the bat. DM, your woman of your dreams would be a good example if that ever worked out!
Lance´s last blog post..This Blog Post Is Fairly Traded
Comment by debra
| October 20th, 2008
I long for a life as geographically compact as DH’s!! No commute to work, living in the same neighborhood/school district with his children’s other parent, and a plan to date someone within a 30 minute radius! Sounds lovely as compared to my commute (1hr each way, 5 days a week), 20 min drive to my son’s Dad (this is only 1-2 days a week) and 45 minute drive (90 minutes during rush hour) to the BF’s house. Because this is my current norm, it doesn’t bother me. For DH, adding something that complicates the quite nearly perfect parenting situtation he has prioritized his life to create, seems very disruptive. The schedule of single parent dating is already complicated enough without having to build in the travel time. You end up limited to a night or two a week if you’re lucky. David’s plan would get him much more time with a partner.
Comment by dadshouse
| October 20th, 2008
Mama Llama – I hope I didn’t come across as judging, because I certainly don’t judge anyone who dates long distance. Also, I don’t feel judged. I’ve tried dating women in NY, LA, SF, Berkeley, Sausalito – it doesn’t work.
Veep Veep – I don’t do the extremes anymore. The NY and LA woman were years go. I’ve been divorced almost 9 years. As for SF women – most see a man who doesn’t live in the City (with a capital C) as being in Siberia, so unless I drive to them every moment I’m not with my kids, they say forget it. To which I say forget it, because I don’t want to live in the City. I love the sunshine and bike riding and family-oriented life down here.
Exception – I think the parenthetical part of your comment is the most powerful. You hit the nail on the head. Single parents put their kids first. That makes it harder to date. As for love – I give love to my kids every day. I send love through compassion to others as often as possible.
SingleMomSeeking – isn’t it tough in the Bay Area? There are millions of people all so close, yet no one single in our own neighborhoods. And driving any distance around here, as Big Papa can attest, takes its toll traffic wise.
Lance – dreaming woman has plans to move here, and she’d be within my 30 mile range. Of course, if she’s 31 miles away, she gets the heave-ho for sure! (kidding!!!!!)
Comment by Twenty Four At Heart
| October 20th, 2008
Brownie points to you for putting your kids first. I think people underestimate how critical the parenting role is in a child’s identity and self esteem. Good for you!
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| October 20th, 2008
If I’m seeing someone who’s too far away I don’t see him enough to keep from getting into a relationship with someone who doesn’t exist–the same guy as I’d really like him to be in my fantasy!
Also, it’s easy to ignore friction and disconnects between your personalities if you only see each other for “special” occasions where you’re both on your best behavior.
On the other hand, if all you want is a bit of fun, the distant half-fantasy lover can be just the thing you need!
Comment by Me Thinks
| October 20th, 2008
I’m with you on this one but have an additional reason: Long-distance dating puts a ton of pressure on you to “make it worth it”. Its hard to just meet for a quick lunch or coffee if you are spending 1:30 in the car. If you get even somewhat serious, I think you are forced to fast-forward into decisions that aren’t natural, like moving closer, spending longer periods of time together too fast, etc. Decisions you should never rush if you have kids.
One caveat though – if its someone that is a friend of a friend (say, someone your blogger friends in Marin might think is perfect for you), then I would consider the extra :15, its not the same as meeting someone online and I’d pursue it (especially considering you seem to live in a place with virtually no single women?).
I too am able to work from home, spend tons of extra time with my kids and be there for them when otherwise I’d be in an office or – worse – in the car commuting. But someone told me early on that its what you do the majority of the time that counts – and if taking a night “off”, letting the kids eat in front of the TV (and getting a sitter for some of us) is the exception, then you are doing a great job of balancing it all.
Comment by liz
| October 20th, 2008
Great post, and great discussion, DH. A number of insightful comments, but this section from Exception stuck me:
“A long distance relationship isn’t asking you to move or change your priorities. It is simply wondering if you are willing to truly trust and open your heart and believe that wherever she might live, time and things will work out – that love is worth it – that finding that woman who you love and will love you for all that you are is worth it regardless of the distance… and no one is suggesting that you move from your kids!!”
I think it’s one thing (a perfectly reasonable thing, mind you) to set distance limits on first or casual dates. But to rule out a potential love from your life based on mileage seems unfair to love.
Perhaps because my children are younger…it seems easier to make it work. They don’t have a ton of weekend activities, and they go to bed early enough that going out for a late dinner doesn’t mean I’ll miss any precious moments with them. But I think the key in making it work is having the other person in the relationship both understand your priorities as a single parent, and be willing to meet you halfway (both literally and figuratively).
liz´s last blog post..Ahhhhh….Fall!
Comment by Susan
| October 20th, 2008
Hey, you have to do what works for you! I’m dating someone who lives about 35-40 minutes away and it’s tough to see each other during the week – just far enough away to prevent quick stopovers. My kids are younger than yours, but I also see how involved our weeks are becoming, regardless of whose night it is to spend with them. All that said, it’s great you are putting family time at the top of the priority list — and enjoying it.
Susan´s last blog post..Changing Seasons
Comment by SDMktg
| October 20th, 2008
DH’s rule makes sense to me. It might make things harder short term but in the long run when “next steps” come into play there will be less disruption, compromise, and potential hard feelings from one or both parties having to move out of their zone to another place. I live about 10 minutes from my kids’ “other house” and 5 minutes from their school, which is very convenient.
I’m not sure what mama llama meant regarding compromising your identity by putting your kids first. For me putting my kids first is a huge part of my identity. It’s not just what I do, it’s who I am.
Comment by Honey
| October 20th, 2008
Long distance dating can work, but it depends on everyone’s situations and priorities. The BF lived 2 hours away for the first half of our relationship (more or less) and it worked okay…but neither of us has kids (nor will we ever) and it was made possible by the fact that all the animals lived with him.
I drive an hour to work, so 30 minutes is nothing to me!
Honey´s last blog post..Defining Poverty
Comment by Exception
| October 20th, 2008
SDMktG – Sometimes parents become so involved with their kids lives that they forget that they have a life outside those kids and their schedules and events. It is easy for single parents to forget that they aren’t ONLY parents but that they are women and men with friends and hobbies and interests outside the kids. I know married parents that do it as well. I think that is what Ms Llama meant in that statement. Perhaps, when we put our kids first, we run the risk of losing ourselves. It can be a fine line.
Exception´s last blog post..Having My Cake And Eating It Too
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| October 20th, 2008
I agree with Mama Llama—
it’s a temptation to make “being a mom” my primary identity, but I think that’s ultimately unfair to my kids–it puts too
much pressure on them. The ultimate goal of parenting is to raise independent adults, isn’t it? I have to remember that my beautiful babies are going to grow up and leave the nest someday–so I need to keep growing my own intellectual and emotional life in anticipation of that. Plus, it’s part of being a healthy human being.
So, I put my kids first. But I have to take care of myself, too. It’s a balance. I don’t think dating a reasonable amount is going to hurt my kids at all, and it may help them to see some (hopefully!) healthy adult relationships going on around them.
Comment by SDMktg
| October 20th, 2008
I see what you are saying. I have my kids 4 days a week and I have a job that I’m passionate about so while it’s not always easy from a practical standpoint to put them first that’s always my starting point for making decisions that will affect them. Of course the other 3 days a week are mine.
To use DH’s term I’m a bit more free range in terms of allowing my kids to make decisions and entertain themselves as opposed to “helicoptering” over them every minute.
Finding the perfect balance is what I think we’re all looking for. Kids, work, dating, health, spirituality, interests… there never seems to be enough time for everything.
Comment by dadshouse
| October 20th, 2008
Great insights, all. Sounds like SDMktg and I have similar custody schedules. I think it’s easier to not get too lost in the role of parent when we have half the week to ourselves. Even if I see my kids in the afternoon, I know I have built-in “me” time 2 weeknights each week, and alternating weekends. Balance is a little easier to come by.
Of course, it can work both ways. For a deadbeat parent who is single practically 100% of the time, they can let their lack of parenting define them to the point they don’t know what to do with the kids when they are with them (besides go out and have fun)
Liz – how can you know true love unless two people have met and gotten to know each other? I could easily start an online romance and it might “feel” like a romantic true love story. But until you meet in person and interact over a good amount of time (at least 2 months, I think), you’re only living in your imagination. I think you need that face to face contact to really know.
Comment by mama llama
| October 20th, 2008
Oh, I didn’t mean that to sound like you’ve been judgmental…I meant it directed at the fact that perhaps you’ve been unfairly judged. That’s all. Sorry it came across wrong. Written Pre-Caffeine.
Be well.
mama llama´s last blog post..a spreader of the love
Comment by Leah
| October 20th, 2008
You have your priorities straight and there is nothing wrong with that! I get it. I know there is no way in hell I could date someone long distance unless he drove to me 100% of the time. I simply cannot justify leaving my kid with a sitter or arranging very long playdates for all that travel time –even if he was the soul mate I’ve always been searching for. Hey, my son will be out of the house in 15 short years :)
Leah´s last blog post..I keep writing no matter what.
Comment by GG
| October 20th, 2008
I completely agree with you. I kept meeting men through online dating services who lived clear on the other side of town (hour or more in traffic). That is just way too hard. Why start of a potential relationship with such a big obstacle? So I’m friends (with benefits – hahaha) with some of those guys but not doing anything regularly with them because it’s just not worth it to me to spend that much time away from my son for only a short while of actual facetime. That said, I might do it for the right guy.
GG´s last blog post..Random Thoughts
Comment by Kat Wilder
| October 20th, 2008
Dad — You are always welcome to enter the Marin singles world, as odd as it is. Sure, it’s a long commute but I love what TE said — trust and an open heart are essential, whether you live in the same house or two hours away from each other.
I agree with those here who say that putting limits on distance isn’t great, but I don’t like limits in general. I’ve had 90-minute work commutes in the Bay Area — twice a day five days a week — so how could I say that I wouldn’t put that same energy into a relationship? Of course I would.
Is it hard? Sure! But that’s when you have to think outside the date every Friday and Saturday night thing. If someone has a minimum weekly requirement for seeing a lover, then a long commute will be tough. But if you’re more open-minded, those who want the relationship because he/she’s the right person will make it work.
But the bigger issue is this: If I set you up with one of my girlfriends, how can I ever fantasize about you? Tough one … !
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Play me, baby
Comment by PooMaster
| October 21st, 2008
Honestly dating like you said is secondary. Especially when you are talking a three hour commute for coffee. Make it worth it go to San Fran for the week end or some thing. Not that I am doubting your skills with women but there has to be something around you try Match.com or something if you have to. I just go to the park with the kids and find the ones without the rings.
PooMaster´s last blog post..If you are pissed I can help
Comment by dadshouse
| October 21st, 2008
Kat – lovers are easy! I don’t put distance restrictions or minimum weekly requirements on them. This post was more geared towards dating than friends with benefits. Oh, and if me being with one of your girlfriends takes the fantasy away, I guess you’ll just have to join in. (Haha)
PooMaster – a ring-less woman in a park? Tell me which park! It ain’t around my neck of the woods, for sure. I do meet woman locally, and have some good female friends. Just no girlfriend at the moment.
Comment by Kat Wilder
| October 21st, 2008
Yikes!
When I say lover I am talking about a relationship.. not a FWB or booty call. They are not lovers; they are just, well FWB or a booty call.
I guess it’s a matter of semantics; however, I would never, ever be in a relationship with someone whom I couldn’t call unequivocally my lover. Know what I mean?
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Play me, baby
Comment by dadshouse
| October 21st, 2008
Huh, Kat – you’ve written before that when you were dating online, you weren’t looking for relationships. You were looking for FWB. And the term lover usually refers to a relationship based on physical intimacy. So, I guess thanks for this clarification.
As for suggesting I be more “open-minded” – I have been PLENTY open-minded. I’ve tried dating women in your neck of the woods. Sadly, they wouldn’t get in a car and drive my direction. They wanted me up there. Me being a dad, I wasn’t available at their beckon call. A relationship like that doesn’t work for me. Does that make me closed-minded?
Comment by Kat Wilder
| October 21st, 2008
You’ve just been finding the bad Marin gals — and not the good bad. but, heck — I can’t even get my girlfriends to go to Sonoma County to hear live music!
And I didn’t mean to suggest that you are’n't open-minded — I was using the broader you.. Still, I do find most people can’t get out of the Friday-Saturday night dating rut. I know a few people who work nights and weekends and holidays — it ain’t easy for them when the world works in reverse!
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Play me, baby
Comment by dadshouse
| October 21st, 2008
Invite me to Sonoma for music – I’ll go! Especially if it’s Tool…
Oh, and I kind of sort of like bad girls. The other bad…
Comment by wcswimmom
| October 22nd, 2008
I totally understand the long-distance issue when you have the kids. If I were childless I would be living in Oakland or SF where all the singles seem to hang out. But since I am not, I am stuck in suburbia with all the married people, facing a long commute to meet anyone, or not dating at all.
Comment by Dr. Jenn
| October 23rd, 2008
I think it’s smart to know what you can and can’t do! And to know what your priorities are. Ultimately, you are much more successful that way- even if it takes more time.
The right woman will respect all of that, and adore that you adore your kids so much!
Not that it makes dating easier knowing you are doing the right thing! :)
Dr. Jenn´s last blog post..Who Else Wants to be a Warrior Goddess?