Secrets to Single Parent Success
I’m often asked how I manage to take care of my kids and run a household solo without imploding. I admit, working from home takes a strain off of things. I can do laundry and dishes while getting my work done. But the real secret to my single parent success has to do with what I don’t get done.
I let things slide.
House not clean? That would be mine. It’s not entirely filthy, we get around to cleaning it eventually. In fact, my kids’ allowance is predicated on them getting their chores done. But if the floor goes a few weeks between Swiffering, I don’t fall apart. It’s just some extra dust bunnies floating around.
Lawn not mowed? That’s mine, for sure. Local gardening services make it a habit to drop their cards on my door. But I never let my grass grow so tall that small children or animals would disappear between the blades. I fire up my mower, and get to it when I get to it. (I have to admit, the lawn looks killer when the grass is cut! And every time I cut it, I vow to maintain it that way. Funny how that never goes as planned.)
Stacks of mail on the kitchen table? Mea culpa. Though I do make it a point to pay my bills on time. Just on time. At least I don’t stuff all that mail into a Nordstrom’s bag, like the parents in Jonathan Franzen’s The Corrections. (A great book, btw. One of my all-time favorites. If you haven’t read it yet, click here and buy it this instant!)
Car not washed? Whoop-dee-do. I won’t even spend another word on that one. (Okay, that was nine words, sorry.)
In short, I feel totally fine if I can’t be Superman and get everything done. As long as my kids are happy, healthy, nurtured, and loved, I figure I’m doing all right.
But don’t take my word for it. There’s a great article over at Mom Logic titled: Single Dads Know What They’re Doing. Apparently, letting things slide is only one of the things single dads do so well. (This article was a featured link on the Facebook Single Parents Connection group page, so maybe you saw it there.)
Okay – no leaving comments that say “you’re such a good dad!” How about instead you vow to let something slide this week. Tell us what it is. Meanwhile, I’ve got some dust bunnies to clean.
Or not.
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Comment by justrun
| October 27th, 2008
I let crap slide all the time, and I have no kids to use for an excuse. I just don’t like to be more stressed than necessary. So I say go you!
justrun´s last blog post..29 in 29 for 29 Wrap Up, and Appreciation
Comment by lisaq
| October 27th, 2008
I completely agree. This is exactly how I managed things when my girls were still at home. The world won’t end if there are a few extra dust bunnies floating around.
lisaq´s last blog post..Girls, Pull Your Heads Out! I Am NOT Your Problem!
Comment by mama llama
| October 27th, 2008
Letting go has been a new and difficult challenge in my life, just in having become a parent. As I am blessed with working from home as well, it is easy to multi-task–but unfortunately just as easy to not put work away when appropriate and neglect the rest of life. The key for me is in the balance.
Important point made on the difference between the mail and the bills, by the way. Certain responsibilities must not be sacrificed. Even though each household will have its own idea of important vs. not, bills should be a top priority no matter what.
Be well, Dads.
mama llama´s last blog post..The ability to sense and learn new ways
Comment by liz
| October 27th, 2008
Alright Mr. Dad’s House…You know I like you and am a regular reader. So don’t put haul off and put me in the hater category.
But here’s the thing — You have your kids half time (part time, whatever you want to call it. Shared custody.) And while I applaud you for letting things slide, I’m going to have to just make a tiny comment here.
I let things slide all the time. I open the bills (and pay them), but other mail remains unopened and stacked for weeks at time. I keep the house clean, but the kitchen floor could probably be mopped more often that it is. We often wear clean laundry out of the laundry basket because it doesn’t get put away in a timely manner. And I wouldn’t have had to spend nearly as long doing yard work as I did yesterday if I were more regular about it.
But I have my kids 100% of the time. (Save three weeks in the summer and every other holiday.) If I had a couple nights a week to myself, I feel like I wouldn’t need to let things slide nearly as much.
This is not to say I don’t applaud everything you do in your children’s lives — I do. And you’re right, as long as your kids are “happy, healthy, nurtured, and loved,” you are doing alright. Happy, healthy children who know they are loved is my goal, too. But there are single parents out here who can’t imagine the relief it would be to have a couple nights a week to ourselves.
Not being a hater, just saying.
liz´s last blog post..A good-bye
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| October 27th, 2008
Amen Liz… From one solo mom to another.
Dad’s House, I love this post because we all need permission to let things slide.
But the times I get just a few hours to myself… I turn into a busy squirrel. I wake up every morning thinking about what I need to get done, on top of work and parenting. (No, I’m not feeling sorry for myself; or putting you down.)
Before reading your post, I was writing my list. My car has reached beyond-filthy. The sink is filled with dishes because my sister babysat last night. I pulled my office apart to reorganize yesterday and haven’t put it back together. On and on.
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post..Going to a wedding
Comment by Me Thinks
| October 27th, 2008
Amen, brother. I always have to caveat the “I work from home” statement with “but my house is still dirty”. I like to think a clean home is the sign of a life unfulfilled.
Also I have to admit being a woman we get a bonus: no man you bring home is ever going to notice your house isn’t spotless. Or at least not a straight one :)
Liz & SMS – I understand 100% both sides of this discussion because there was a time I never had any time “off” and now I do (kids’ dad stepped up to the plate finally). But I think this is helpful advice because I, like you, used to spend the few hours I’d get here and there frantically getting as much done as I could. And you know what? It sure didn’t make me happy. When I learned how to start letting stuff go, I started taking those snippets of time for myself.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 27th, 2008
Being a parent does involve letting things slide ~ more precisely called “prioritizing” ~ or more creatively called “not sweating the small shit.”
Just for fun, I’d like to toss in the concept I came up with about attaching chores to allowance. First of all, I don’t believe in allowance, because it’s not like real life. No one gets “allowance.” Not really. Except in the case of State Assistance, etc. I think it’s good to teach children that they are part of a functioning family and that requires a certain amount of responsibility on their part. Responsibility for which the reward is simply that they get to be part of the family and reap the benefits that come from that! If they don’t do their chores, and I have to do them, then they have to pay me. If I ask them to do some of my chores, I pay them. I can make up a list of EXTRA things they can do at will to earn extra money, if they like. If falling down on their responsibilities falls continuously short and becomes an issue, they lose family privileges, such as driving, cell phones, laptops. Things that make their lives ever so much more convenient, but are not exactly their “rights” to have, as offspring.
Just a thought. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by Exception
| October 27th, 2008
My dad told me about articles written on this very subject over the summer. I thnk I might have posted about it or touched on it in a post?
I was raised by a mother who spent her Saturday cleaning; nothing could be done until the house was clean. A clean house is still a priority to her to the extent that she enjoys straightening mine.
That said, she has admitted to me and to complete strangers that she made a mistake. In focusing her time on her house she missed spending time with her kids. Even though my cluttered (but clean) house drives her crazy, she believes that I have learned a lesson she didn’t. I take the time to be with my daughter – to share her life and her passions and to share mine with her. We could clean the house or we could explore Australian native dancing or go out and track a deer.
I don’t know that it is a gender issue as much as it is a personality issue… whatever the case, my time with my daughter is finite. She will grow up and move on with less desire or time for me. At that point, I can really clean the house!! (or I can do other things!!)
Exception´s last blog post..Where to Begin
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 27th, 2008
My mother also made sure we cleaned house on Saturdays before we did anything. Seems I also took away from that the lesson that doing things and being with people is more important than housework.
I have come to the conclusion that the only way to really teach children to have any amount of conviction about housework or homework (or anything else) is to give them opportunities for it to be important to THEM, rather than to US.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by dadshouse
| October 27th, 2008
Liz – great point! I don’t know how full-time parents do it. That said, since I work from home my kids come here every single day to do their homework. That’s hours each day that it’s difficult for me to focus on work. I end up using a lot of my down-time when they aren’t here just getting my work (not housework, but real work) done! I don’t have a nanny!
So it’s not like we’re running around playing all the time they are here, and me playing when they’re not. Far from it.
It’s all about priorities and balance.
Exception – my dad was similar, he insisted on a clean house on weekends before we did anything. My mom didn’t care to much. She was an art teacher and used to messes. My dad still cleans his house constantly!
Teri – I’ll start calling the “free” part of their allowance State Assistance!
Comment by Hip_M0M
| October 27th, 2008
You described my life perfectly. Clothes falling out of laundry basket – check. Car needing oil changed and wash – check. Piles of mail on the table – check. Floor needing to be swept and mopped – check.
Today is a good day to remind me of this, however, since I’m having a friend come to stay for a few days and I’m SO overwhelmed with how much needs to be done. Luckily my friend is quite understanding, and since I’m providing him with a bed & breakfast for the next few days, he really can’t say too much!
Hip_M0M´s last blog post..All About You
Comment by Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)
| October 27th, 2008
Confession. I haven’t vacuumed in a week! And I took all day Saturday as me-time… not cleaning the house time, or working on the lawn time… just sleeping in, reading a good book, enjoying myself time. (oh yeah i did end the day with 3 loads of laundry… but does that count?)
Great blog.
Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)´s last blog post..Freaky Friday Photo
Comment by T
| October 27th, 2008
I am a total mess when its my weekend. I don’t even put the dishes in the sink. I pretty much go on strike. And it feels DAMN GOOD.
I like Teri’s idea about chores/allowance. And yes, we do clean up on the weekends. As much as I let slide during the week, too much chaos makes my head hurt. The kids like getting their rooms in order so they can find things. My oldest is like me when she cannot locate something. It makes her completely mad. And my little one likes everything in its place.
Maybe its not so bad being a mommy of little girls. We turn on the music and dance together while putting away toys and laundry on the weekends. Other than that, I’ve let a LOT slide since becoming a single mom. I tried to be Wonder Woman before but hell…. it kicked my ass too hard!
Thanks for even more validation to let it all hang out DH!!
T´s last blog post..Sensing and Learning
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| October 27th, 2008
Yeah, that would be nice. But unfortunately, many women (less so for men) are judged very negatively if they “just let things slide”.
And my antagonistic ex would take any chance to take me to court to try to change our custody arrangement.
He did this once already (and lost, whew!). My babysitter had to testify that time about things like how often we were out of milk, fruit, or the kids’ snacks, and a court appointed social worker had to come by and check out the cleanliness and functionality of my house.
Believe me, if that is the threat, you will keep your house spotless inside and out and everything in good repair!
So I sigh and do so. I’m fortunate because I can afford a housecleaning service, a lawn mowing service, a snow removal service, and plumbers, handymen etc to fix things as they break.
Yup, I’ve gotten paranoid. But I’ve also gotten to enjoy having the house in nice shape, reasonably clean, and all the plumbing working for once. We have friends over more often and even spur of the moment parties are not a problem.
Comment by Leah
| October 27th, 2008
Another 24/7er here (much love to shared custody parents – just had to claim my spot in the tribe). One thing I always let slide is the cooking. I don’t cook. It’s not that I don’t like to cook. I just don’t have *time* to cook. Hell, I barely have time to grocery shop. We eat healthy food, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not combined into a recipe of any kind. I don’t spend time making elaborate, or even non-elaborate meals. Tonight my son ate a grilled cheese sandwich, cucumber slices, and an apple. I consider it a successful meal.
Leah´s last blog post..Wrasslin’
Comment by Susan
| October 27th, 2008
I’ve been shifting the same pile of photographs around the same room for the last 12 months, vowing to file and put them away “today”.
Right. Major letting it slide!
Susan´s last blog post..Multi-tasking Mishaps and Miracles
Comment by Susan
| October 27th, 2008
Oh, and it’s a good thing my kids like PB&Js because that’s dinner once a week! Like Leah, I can’t seem to get my act together to try anything other than the most basic of meals. After working all day it’s pretty much the last thing I want to do when I get home. I do usually manage to get a veggie in, though, so I’ll give myself props for that :)
Susan´s last blog post..Multi-tasking Mishaps and Miracles
Comment by Kat Wilder
| October 27th, 2008
I’m a 50 percent custody mom, but I hear what you and the 100 percent custody parents are saying.
Bills, cleaning, gardening — a lot of work? You bet! But letting our kids be a part of that is important — not just for us, but for them. As Cat says, it’s about being part of a family. And so is carving out space for yourself, whether you’re married or solo, even if things “slide” a little. It makes you a better parent, too. I have stopped feeling guilty about that, as long as it’s all in some sort of balance.
I used to think that all the “special” times — trips to Traintown and the children’s museum and the beach — made me a “good mom.” Actually, all the things I did with my kid that were small, organic, day-by-day mundane things with him by my side, were the “good mom” moments, the “special” moments. Kids just want you to be there.
It isn’t about “perfect”; it’s about good enough, and feeling good about that.
So what do I let slide? Hmm, dusting for sure. I only do a good (well, halfway good) job when I invite people over for dinner. Thank goodness that happens often enough!
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Mean people suck — online, too
Comment by Solomon King
| October 28th, 2008
Since I’m not even a parent, I feel awkward commenting here, but, I let tonnes of stuff slide all the time, until it became a habit. Now I’m trying to make things slide less.
I moved about a month ago and still have stuff stashed away in boxes all over the place.
Solomon King´s last blog post..ten random things I’ve learnt from facebook
Comment by SDMktg
| October 28th, 2008
My first year with my kids in my apartment half of the time the place was spotless. Cleaning and organizing was how I killed the time when they weren’t there. Of course I also never got to bed before 3. Once I got past that things started to slip and spending time at my girlfriend’s place gives me even less time to clean up. It’s amazing how much stuff accumulates in a year. I really need to get rid of old clothes, toys, and paperwork a couple of times a year but I never seem to find the time. I do cook for the kids most of the time when they are with me and they are starting to help.
Having 3 nights a week to myself is nice. It’s almost easier when their mom is on vacation though because we get into a groove when they’re at “our home” the whole time.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Sweet G’s Shot of the Week – Scooby Snacks
Comment by Mike Talkovsky
| October 28th, 2008
Hey Dad – I like your attitude – I did one better – just stopped watering the lawn altogether – it’s a draught year – you save on water – let the neighbors think what they will. I have one kid all the time, except when she is in school. I do have a cleaning service.
Comment by Honey
| October 29th, 2008
Usually the dishes slide–or, pile up, more accurately–until the weekend. However, I am a compulsive cleaner and once I get started I usually don’t stop, so the house usually looks pretty darn good!
I like Cathouse Teri’s idea of a list of above-and-beyond chores that kids could do for extra money. However, I do think that chores and such in exchange for an allowance is actually like a salary. Growing up, my dad gave us an allowance in exchange for doing all our chores (like a salary) and “bonuses” if we got good grades.
This worked well until I got all A’s and my sister didn’t…at which point my sister said it “wasn’t fair” and he scrapped the whole thing. Um, life’s not fair? How do you adjust your rewards based on fairness, DM?
Honey´s last blog post..He Ripped My Clothes Off!
Comment by dadshouse
| October 29th, 2008
I don’t reward grades. Instead, I try to teach my kids to feel good about doing their best, and to understand the long-range benefits of good grads and hard work. I don’t want my son deciding “I don’t need money this semester, so I won’t try hard in this one class.”
As for chores – my son kicks ass over his sister. He works way harder, does more jobs by choice, and gets paid more than her. And he gloats every pay day.
Comment by PT-LawMom
| November 17th, 2008
I agree with SMS. I tend to have no problem letting things slide… until I get free time and then I find I have so many things to do that I try to cram everything in, none of which is something for me. Sigh…
If I had my son only half the time, I tend to think I’d spend more time on chores. With only one night or perhaps a Saturday afternoon off, I usually take that time for sex or errands and save household chores for late night after my son’s asleep.
PT-LawMom´s last blog post..Losing my shit
Comment by deb
| May 27th, 2009
I am a single mother with primary residence. their father works out of the country 6-10 months of the year, so I have them most of the time.
You could say my home looks very ‘lived in’ most of the time. I do like it when its all tidy, but I spend hours making it look clean and it takes very little time to undo it all with two kids, and I do home child care.
I try not to let it bother me, but my ex also is the kind to use any excuse to try and show I am a not a good parent. that’s always in the back of my mind, so I stress about it a bit .
I try to put him out of my mind, since he doesn’t come any where near me, but he always brings it up in dissagreements and asks the kids how things are and if I am feeding them good food and so on.
I feed them very well, not to say I never use frozen pizza’s or even canned soup on occation.
my kids are not great at chores, I am constantly asking them to clean their rooms and their toys. its a never ending battle.