Love vs Fear
Guest post by Loriann, a regular Dad’s House reader.
“Act Out of Love Not Fear” reads the Health Care District’s street-front sign board I regularly drive by. I pause for thought each and every time I read it. I wonder if it is “fear” that keeps me from allowing myself casual dalliances, when I desire/need/want that human touch and the bliss of great sex.
Sex can be hot, basic, primal instinct explored. A purely physical release. I get that ~ and that sex can be great. But after that euphoric feeling, that is sadly short lived, there is the feeling of emptiness ~ and that feeling lasts far longer. That emptiness can feel like a gaping black hole. It’s that emptiness, the disconnect, that I fear most.
It’s been almost a year since my last relationship ended. I’ve spent the year taking care of myself. I’ve done that with some counseling, lots of journaling, taking classes and surrounding myself with supportive family and friends. Focusing my attention on the relationships in my life that nourish me.
During this year of reflection I have come to realize what is important to me. Again, I emphasize, “to me”. I realize going a year without sex is unimaginable to some. As reported, sex is healthy ~ and to be in love and having regular sex is even more healthy for us humans. That being written, I don’t consider this past year as being “unhealthy”. On the contrary, I think I’m the healthiest I’ve been in about 5 years. I’m thinking the next man that catches my fancy will be the recipient of a whole lotta love and great sex.
Being conscious and aware of my fear, I am able to process the feeling, then let go. Acknowledging the love for myself and being clear in what I want in my life, brings me peace. Moving forward with love, not fear.
A note from Loriann:
Thank you, David, for the opportunity to share your space, be it blog space. Your generosity is appreciated.
A note from David:
Thank you, Loriann, for your heartfelt post. I too believe in living life from love not fear.
A question for readers – can you go long stretches without sex, and simply focus on your own health? Do you need that buzz you can only get from intimacy, or are you nourished by other types of relationships? Is love or fear driving your choices? (Have I asked enough book-group type questions yet?)
I’m on the fence! I totally believe in living from faith or love, not fear. But I also can’t go a year without sex! Single parenthood seems to be a testing ground of sorts.
Readers, you have the floor…
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- Failed Marriage or Success?
- Getting Grounded Again
- Dating After Divorce
- A Romantic Idea for Valentine’s Day
- Metaphysical Magic
- Hamburger Meat Recipes of the Relationship Kind
- When Single Parents Need a Hug
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Comment by lisaq
| October 28th, 2008
I’m normally the girl who avoids casual sex for the same reasons you listed. Lately though I’ve come to realize that, at least for me, it’s about the mindset I go into with. If I go into knowing it’s only about the sex, I’m good to go. I can enjoy it for what it is and not feel like crap afterwards. If, on the other hand, I don’t set the ground rules with myself, I hate it and myself when it’s over. It’s kind of opened up a whole new world for me. I’ve given myself permission to enjoy a casual sex situation…not that it’s something I do on a regular basis, but it’s nice to know that once in awhile I can go out and enjoy myself and not beat myself to death afterwards.
lisaq´s last blog post..I Need a Dating Time Out!
Comment by Karen
| October 28th, 2008
First, thanks are in order. Your blog has guided me into a healthy relationship…finally. I met someone who was in the same stage of life as I am. It is amazing. I realized just how easy it is being “me” and not that feeling of being “on stage”. I am getting over my fear of pain and hurt albeit slowly. I, like any other woman, can over analyze. I have stopped doing that and come to go with the flow. I am realizing that the need for space (a day without talking to each other) is not him with another woman but a healthy break for both of us. I went almost 3 years without sex with a man. Yes that is three. I came out of a nasty 2nd marriage that never should have happened. If only you had been blogging then!!! It pains me to think of the pain my kids went through during that awful time and I needed the time to get emotionally healthy. Yes, I was on all the on line dating sites and nothing seemed right. The opportunity was always there for the casual one nighter but sex, for me, is a very emotional personal thing, and a one nighter is not worth it. The need for physical contact was outweighed by the need for a healthy emotional relationship first. That is what I crave also. Now that I have that I also have wonderful, amazing nights with this wonderful man in my life. It is even wonderful and amazing if we don’t make love! I am and always will be a faithful reader because for some odd reason a man more then 3000 miles away talks to me like no one else. Everything from being at the same dating relationship life stage to the tantric sex posts. Thank you and keep blogging. Karen
Comment by Kat Wilder
| October 28th, 2008
Being conscious and aware is the way it should be, so kudos to you for recognizing where you needed to focus attention and then doing it!
If people feel empty after sex, it’s a good thing to be away from it until they understand what’s making that happen — be it one year, five or a *gulp * lifetime. Sex is a huge part of being healthy, emotionally and physically; being empty after is not.
I was celibate for about a year after my divorce; I just needed that time to focus on my kid and me and our new life together. After that, I wasn’t interested in a relationship, so casual sex worked great. Now, I have a wonderful, healthy relationship — with myself, too.
There’s never a rush; we only feel that there is one.
I wish you the best, and you’re obviously reaping te benefits of your actions.
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Mean people suck — online, too
Comment by Twenty Four At Heart
| October 28th, 2008
Great post!
And being honest here, I don’t think I could go a year without sex.
I’m here with happy, happy news though! I’m having contests every day for the remainder of the week. TWO prizes each day! All sorts of great gifts. It’s a birthday celebration!! Stop by and join my birthday party!
Comment by T
| October 28th, 2008
Seriously? Are you asking me, who waited an entire year for a soldier to come home, if I can survive a year without sex?! Um… barely.
You’re right though. I sorted through some things, learned more about who I am and what I want in life and grown immensely. I’ve never felt healthier. Even despite the feelings I have yet to process with the soldier not coming home the same man he was a year ago. I know that this past year was worth it. I know that I have, as you say, “a whole lotta love and great sex” to offer the next wonderful man in my life.
I think much of my relationship with Soldier at the beginning (last year) was based on fear. He was deploying and I was losing my father and struggling with single parenthood. We felt that we needed each other. I feel healthier and more whole than I did back then but he… he’s still living in fear. He has such little faith. I can’t help him with that.
I too choose to live and love based PURELY on LOVE and not FEAR. I choose to love WHOLLY and have someone LOVE me the same way.
I love this post. Of course, its exactly what I needed today.
T´s last blog post..Stages
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 28th, 2008
I see no reason for anyone to think they must somehow work up whatever it takes to enjoy casual sex. Casual sex is generally not healthy. I must clarify on one point. I take casual sex to mean sex without relational attachment. And by that I mean, intimate relational attachment. If one has a “friend with benefits,” even if you only have one friend and those benefits last a year or years, I call that casual sex. I do not think casual sex is natural nor really desired. I believe that those of us who have chosen to indulge in and enjoy casual sex have done so by developing the ability to detach sex and emotion. The pitfall is that, once we have done this, we must also learn to re-attach them. Best yet, is to develop the ability to go back and forth between attachment and re-attachment and KNOW the difference!
But I do not think this is common, nor is it something that should be aspired to. Sex is meant to be the physical expression of the connection between two people. Sure, that connection can be shallow. But swimming in the shallows can be very… well, not good for you. And very… not freeing. And if you decide to dive, well you’re gonna hit your damn head! ;)
The thing is, if you love steak, don’t go around eating hamburger. Keep your appetite for steak. Nurture it. And keep in mind how much you’ll enjoy it when it does show up on your plate!
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by loriann
| October 28th, 2008
As I was writing this piece (again, thank you David, for the experience) I received a call from the man who was my last relationship partner. Timing is everything! I was lulled by his warm and soothing voice, so familiar to me. My mind began to wander; I missed his smell and the way our bodies melded together. The way my body responded to his touch and the way I could arouse a response in him! It was the physicality that I missed. There will always be a connection between us…………but, my head and heart know better today. He’s some mighty fine ground beef, (love that Teri) but I want the whole steak. Thank you to all who have commented. It was a big step to put my thoughts out there. David, you are great!
Comment by Exception
| October 28th, 2008
It is wonderful that you have found a way to move forward from a place of love, not fear. Sex is sex and we all view it so differently at different times. I would suggest that some have it out of fear over out of love for another, for themselves, or even for sex. Each of us needs to do what is best for us – and it is wonderful that you are doing that!!
Love beings with the self – when we can love ourselves, we can love others and receive the love they have to give.
Great post!
Exception´s last blog post..Instincts
Comment by la dolce vita
| October 28th, 2008
Acting out of fear rather than love ruined my marriage.
Comment by Lance
| October 28th, 2008
I could physically go for long stretches without sex, but I don’t recommend it. Even if I’m just doing a casual thing with a FWB, like getting together 1-2 times per month, it’s still much better than forced celibacy.
Lance´s last blog post..He Ripped My Clothes Off!
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| October 28th, 2008
Wow, I’m simply in awe about how our blog posts cross over in feelings and themes.
It’s somehow a relief to see that many of us are working on the same issues. Whew.
I’ve had my share of sex without love. In the end, I’m simply unsatisfied.
I love what Loriann — and Cathouse Teri — added in their comments: a burger is tasty, but she’s holding out for the good, juicy steak.
I am, too.
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post..Will you get married again?
Comment by dadshouse
| October 28th, 2008
Great comments. Choosing from a place of love and faith is always better than choosing from fear. And I agree that everyone has their own needs, wants, desires, timetables, etc. for when to get out there and be sexual again.
I’ve met tons of women who can go long stretches without sex. I haven’t met many men who can. Why is that? Is it all about women needing a deep connection?
Teri – I agree that deep water is better than shallow, and depth of relationship can help with great sex. But deep relationships can also suck in bed! And if you practice tantric sex, you can get to that deep water without necessarily having a deep relationship connection to your partner.
Comment by staciesmadness
| October 28th, 2008
I would be willing to try ANYTHING to get “me” straight!
staciesmadness´s last blog post..Fart…astic time
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| October 28th, 2008
David ~ You can, but I think that is a pseudo deep connection rather than a real one. And temporary, based on that experience.
Love is not experiential. And I think sex being the expression of love is what we all really crave.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..If Living is Without You
Comment by mama llama
| October 28th, 2008
Long stretches without sex? Hmmm…story of my life. No details.
But the personal growth–priceless. And I’ve had to learn to be able to fulfill myself…and learn that fulfillment does NOT come from sex alone.
Great post, thank you for the reflections. Be well.
mama llama´s last blog post..The color quiz, stolen from Windy
Comment by dadshouse
| October 28th, 2008
Teri – there is romantic love, and there is love love. I strive to feel the latter every day through compassion, and through loving my kids without condition. Tantric sex is the union of two spirits, and you can’t get much deeper than that. So if you’re talking about romantic love, sure that’s nice. But you can have great sex without it, and you can find fulfillment through compassion, and through living your life with joy and gratitude.
I don’t have to have a girlfriend to feel fulfilled. (That doesn’t mean I don’t want one – but I want one for different reasons)
Comment by Susan
| October 28th, 2008
I went 2 years without either sex or a relationship after my divorce. (Had many dates, though, and great friends to keep me company.) It wasn’t because I didn’t want to have sex or a relationship (lordy, no! on either account), or that I was waiting a certain period of time, or that I felt I wasn’t ready yet — because let me tell you, I certainly was ready for some touch! But the right person and situation didn’t come along. I don’t know why, but it just didn’t. This happened a few times in my college/pre-marriage dating days, too.
But experiencing a long dry spell of either experience doesn’t mean it won’t end and that life can’t be fulfilling in other ways. In fact, I think it forced me to do things and explore things I never would have with those “distractions,” as great as they would have felt. I probably learned more about myself in those 2 years than I had in the previous 30+ — if I didn’t have that time to myself, would I have learned to focus on me and my kids, and learned what I wanted and didn’t want out of life? Or would I have fallen into the same patterns as before?
[Next stop: Susan visits the nunnery for a vacation! (kidding)]
Susan´s last blog post..Multi-tasking Mishaps and Miracles
Comment by jc
| October 28th, 2008
I loved this post.. and congratulations to you.
I went three years without one sexual encounter – the three years after my brother passed away. I just couldn’t. I had zero emotion left to offer anyone other than the pit of despair I was inhabiting. I couldn’t even imagine offering an ounce of emotional anything to anyone. I just didn’t feel it existed in me.
I fumbled my way through the darkness of those years much as you described your last year and discovered I just didn’t want to live any way but fully, completely and fearlessly – anything else would be an unfitting tribute to the life my brother lived for his 47 years. I refused to do one more thing or NOT do one more thing because of fear. Some things are hard, but I am capable of hard things. (As long as the hard thing isn’t snowboarding, because I really sucked at that).
It is scary sometimes, no doubt. BUT the thrill, accomplishment, and outright, ‘hells yeah’ feeling is worth every little tremor of doubt.
jc
jc´s last blog post..Junk drawers
Comment by Laura
| October 29th, 2008
Can I go long stretches without sex? When I am forced to yes I can! If I had to choose though I would say no! Think its simple for the buzz I get??
Right now – fear is definately driving my choices! I choose the wrong people on purpose! I know it wont work from the start so I know not to give them anything and I dont and then walk away and end up hurting them!
When there are ones who stick around – I dont beleive I am good enough for them! So I self destruct and ruin things purely because of my own insecurities!
So at the moment I am definately functioning more on fear than on love!
Laura´s last blog post..True Wisdom
Comment by Mike
| October 29th, 2008
You want to know a man who goes long stretches without sex? Look at many men in the military. 6-12 month deployments are routine, then maybe home for 3 or 4 months, then gone again. Did that for a career. It’s hard enough just doing the job, but yes, the absence of sex and intimacy makes it more difficult, and is only one aspect. The absence of physical warmth and love is challenging too. Which says nothing of the relationship really. Many spouses find that they can’t handle that level of committment (or absence of physical love) and the relationship ends. Unfortunately, it often ends while the other person is far, far away.
Comment by Honey
| October 30th, 2008
I definitely couldn’t imagine going a year without sex…but I also couldn’t imagine being with anyone but the BF. So if anything ever happened, I’m sure there would be some sort of significant waiting period while those two warring desires battled it out.
This post reminded me of one of the two worst breakup lines ever used on me. This one…guy I’ve been dating a couple of months asks me to have a picnic lunch with him by a lake. After we eat,
Him: Do you know how, when you masturbate, you have an orgasm and it’s nice, but you feel all hollow and empty inside afterwards?
Me: Umm…no.
Him: Oh. Well, that’s how I felt after the last time we had sex, so I think we should break up.
awkward pause
Him: I’m so glad that we’re such close friends, so I can be honest with you about these things.
Years later, I’m still like, WTF?!?!
Honey´s last blog post..He Ripped My Clothes Off!
Comment by Wendy
| October 31st, 2008
I went almost four years without sex in order to focus on myself. My circumstances were needless to say extreme….I lost my 11 year old daughter to brain cancer. I knew though that to try to mask any single horridly dark and deep pang of grief that set upon my soul with the caress of a man would be dishonoring the process…and myself.
I had to sit with it, I had to feel it and embrace it in an attempt to walk through it to the other side.
Now that I am seeing the light again….hmm….I realize I am still alive.
Comment by krn
| November 1st, 2008
Hmmmm, so much to think about here. This post and the comments are just what I need today. My thanks to loriann and House Dad.
Wendy~ Sending you a big *hug* across the miles. So glad you are seeing the light again.
Mike~ Some military spouses can handle it. There were very, very long stretches for us. Still, I made a promise and I meant it. Reconnecting after the long absences proved very difficult and like T. mentioned, the person that came home often wasn’t the man I was looking forward to seeing again. While that was sometimes exciting, it was also very bittersweet when small glimpses of the “old he” I fell in love with reappeared several weeks later.
Honestly, I have fear, lots of it. But, choosing to honor and experience love instead– for as long as I can sustain it, provides so much hope and energy that I can’t resist all those good feelings. Without the underlying fear, I’m not sure love would be as nice. Anyone know what I mean?
Comment by GG
| November 18th, 2008
Ditto Lance. I think if nothing else, physical intimacy is important while you are looking for that emotional and spiritual intimacy with someone else. As a single girl, I have no problem with an FWB. When I was a married girl and my husband was traveling, well, there’s a reason they invented toys and webcams. No need to go without.
GG´s last blog post..Orgasm Therapy