Physical Intimacy
Why is it that men can be physically intimate without letting their emotions get involved? And women can hold out for emotional intimacy even if it means going years without sex?
Lance brought all this up with his question, what is intimacy, anyway? His answer touches on physical, emotional, intellectual, social, and spiritual intimacy. He suggests intimacy is all about closeness, and sharing your inner-most world. SingleMomSeeking asked what does it really mean to be intimate? And back over at Honey and Lance, Honey weighed in with Into-Me-See: A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy. Good stuff.
I agree, intimacy is about closeness and familiarity. You get to know the other person’s gestures, thoughts, feelings in different situations. You become open books to each other.
Deep intimacy in a relationship comes when something is at stake. It’s when you reveal your essential being to another. You say, this is what makes me happy and sad, this is the thing I want most, this is who I am and what I’m all about, and if you use this information against me, you’ll have power over me and I’ll be screwed. And yet – I still want to share these things with you.
Intimacy evokes compassion and tenderness from another. And what’s not to like about that?
How can you enjoy physical intimacy without an emotional connection? By revealing your essential sexual nature to another, but keeping all else private. Men tend to be able to do this more easily than women. Tantric lovers can do this the first time they meet.
Emotional Intimacy
Why do some people want/need an emotional connection on top of that? It adds depth to the physical intimacy. It’s more fulfilling. It builds a bond that can exist even when you’re not physically present. Same with spiritual intimacy – it creates more depth, and a connection when you aren’t physically or emotionally together. (Compassion works like that – you don’t have to know the person to give them love.)
Back to men and women – why do women tend to hold out for this emotional connection, when men seem capable of having sex without feeling? My understanding is that women’s bodies are hard-wired to process emotions. When they feel something, their whole being feels it. (This is why women are so much more intuitive than men. If they are in tune with their inner body, they suddenly have this giant emotional processor at their beckon call.) If physical intimacy means revealing your most familiar, most essential self, you feel vulnerable. I imagine with sex, women feel this vulnerability at their core being.
Men aren’t wired that way!
Emotions don’t charge our entire being. They are routed to a processing center in a tiny recess of our mind. We then choose which emotions to react to. Men can learn to move from their head to their heart, and allow themselves to feel without thinking so much. But it’s a journey. We’re not hard-wired in the same way as women. Some feelings can overwhelm this process, and we break down. It’s also unhealthy if we suppress too much. (Just as it’s unhealthy to do the opposite, and overreact emotionally to every little thing.)
I know readers won’t agree with everything I said. Just remember, I am being intellectually intimate with you here. I feel vulnerable! (Haha. just kidding. Fire away.)
Cast a vote and Buzz up some intimacy for this post!
- Love vs Fear
- Single Parents are Missing Out on Intimacy
- When Single Parents Need a Hug
- Sexy Arrangement
- Hooking Up – I Just Want to Be Your Lover
- Nude in Chains (An Actual Date)
- Loose Girl
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Comment by Laura
| October 31st, 2008
I dont need their to be an emotional connection to be physically intimate with someone!
I can quiet easily hook up for the sake of having sex and walk away!
Could possible be that I cant really go without sex for too long or it could be my myriad of issues that have closed me off emotionally. So its easy to just have sex for the sake of the physical pleasure it gives!
Laura´s last blog post..Fear
Comment by T
| October 31st, 2008
This reminded me of something else I read last week.
Men’s brains are like waffles.
Women’s brains are like spaghetti.
Everything in our minds is connected and everything in a man’s mind is sectioned off into little squares.
Isn’t it the truth?!?!
Maybe we are all wired differently. Some of us adapt better (like Miss Laura above) and others of us can’t disconnect all the bits from touching each other. I have certainly tried… but the emptiness sets in if there is no emotional intimacy.
Maybe I just haven’t had enough practice? Hmmm, note to self: PRACTICE makes PERFECT! :)
T´s last blog post..Fork in the Blog
Comment by SingleParentDad
| October 31st, 2008
I have limited experience of intimate relations with no emotional attachment. In fact, I have not done it since my youth, and the sex was awful.
I’m a grown up now, so I guess it would be different, but I’ve been really good at surpressing my sexual desire. Which is remarkable considering I’m like a sailor on shore leave when it is available.
SingleParentDad´s last blog post..What Do You Do?
Comment by Twenty Four At Heart
| October 31st, 2008
Good topic. I’ve been having similar discussions with some of my male friends all week. Interesting post.
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| October 31st, 2008
I disagree—I think that’s just a stereotype. ‘Cause according to you, I’m a man! (uh, what?)
Our society has insisted for so long that only “good” girls can enjoy sex within a committed, loving relationship. I think this colors your perceptions, and also what a lot of women think they should say, or think they should want.
I might decide against no-strings sex with a guy for many reasons. But never because it doesn’t feel good without the emo connection!
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| October 31st, 2008
Maybe women want to find someone with whom they can have both sex and an emotional connection?
And they think that screwing around with Mr Wrong will just waste their time during that search?
Also it is true that if Mr Right thinks you’re “with” someone else, he’ll usually back off (or at least I hope he would, if he’s really Mr Right!) And Mr Wrong may be bragging all around about how you’re doing it with him. So that’s another reason to hold out for the entire enchilada.
Of course, our society and many men have that double standard too, that denigrates and isolates women (but not men!) with lots of previous sex partners. So maybe women are thinking about that when they turn down your offer of zipless sex?
Comment by dadshouse
| October 31st, 2008
Mad Cartoonist – I made generalizations in the first two sentences of this post. Later I used words like “tend”, “seem”, and even “people”. I know women can enjoy sex without emotion, and some men want to wait. But generally speaking, women tend to be more willing to wait and hold out for the emotional connection. Men tend to be more okay with having sex without commitment. Tendencies are not rigid rules.
Also – I didn’t say anything about women turning down offers for sex. I’ve had partners who were in it just for the physical intimacy. So I know women are quite capable of enjoying sex without an emotional commitment.
I do think men and women are wired differently.
Comment by Leah
| October 31st, 2008
This is such a great topic and a great post. Just a question though: did you mean to repeat “physical intimacy” twice or is that second heading supposed to be “emotional intimacy?” How anal of me to notice that, I know.
Men, I believe you when you say you don’t need emotional intimacy for physical intimacy, and when you say emotional intimacy is a must for physical intimacy. Women, same deal. It just goes to show what a subjective experience this whole thang is.
IME, emotional intimacy (or at least knowing the person somewhat) is not REQUIRED, but it’s usually pretty bad sex (on my part at least, maybe the guy is enjoying it?) when that element is missing. Frankly, I’d rather be intimate with myself than have bad sex. Too much trouble for a rather uninteresting result.
Leah´s last blog post..I’ve been viewed 973 times.
Comment by loriann
| October 31st, 2008
You’re on to something David….
I’ve been thinking about this post ~ “vulnerability” is the key for me.
The best sex is when I feel completely free and uninhibited ~ able to feel every one of those emotional connections ~ some, of course, overwhelming ~ but those are the ones that are exquisite. To tap into that, I am vulnerable ~ in order for me to be vulnerable I need to feel trust and respect from my partner. For me, that is not casual.
Though with more thought on this ~ could I be completely free, let myself loose with someone I knew I’d never see again? Nope, I’m not wired that way. I imagine for some people that freedom of knowing they won’t meet again IS the appeal.
To each his/her own :-)
Comment by Exception
| October 31st, 2008
I look at it a bit differently I suppose. I never consider that someone could hurt me when I expose myself or let them in – it is a gift of myself and a gift to myself. No regrets, no turning back, no expectations. Intimacy increases the power of the experience and is key to a relationship. What is there in a relationship that lacks intimacy?
I wonder if women (in general) have more difficulty having sex for sex sake without the intimacy because it is a more internal experience? Could there be physical reasons as well as those mentioned about wiring?
Again, I am like laura in that I can give myself physically without there being an emotional attachment or expectation of anything to follow. Is it the way I like it? Not really, but sometimes it is just what I need. We get wrapped up in the fear and the power issues and forget that there is another way to see everything.
Exception´s last blog post..Witchy Woman
Comment by Hadley
| October 31st, 2008
I respectfully disagree with this notion that men and women are “wired differently” if by that you mean that there are differences in the structure/function of our brains when it comes to emotion.
Ugh–these stereotypes and generalizations are so off-putting. People are people, and there are plenty of men who are emotional and women who are logical. Setting up this dichotomy sells both sexes short.
Comment by dadshouse
| October 31st, 2008
Hadley – I didn’t say our brains our different, I said that women feel emotion in their entire body. That’s what I’ve read in books written by women. If I’m totally wrong, I hope women correct me! It has nothing to do with how logical or not a person is. For instance, I have a graduate degree in computer science, yet I’m quite sensitive. My mom has a graduate degree in art, yet she’s quite logical.
I guess my point didn’t come across as written in the post.
Comment by Honey
| October 31st, 2008
Well, if men are so capable of compartmentalizing their emotions, how come the BF picks a fight with me EVERY time he’s hungry? LOL.
Good points, all, DM. Although interestingly while I am extraordinarily sensitive about relationship issues and how I feel about the BF, I am known as the stoic person who never lets anything bother me at the office. I told the BF this, and he was shocked; however, it’s also quite true.
Honey´s last blog post..Into-Me-See: A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy
Comment by Big Papa
| October 31st, 2008
We aren’t so good at being single; being alone. We all need and want to be loved, caressed, emotionally and physically, and we need to be held, embraced and filled with the deep sense of trust, loyalty and intimacy. I can’t say that I have ever been able to experience true intimacy in a healthy way, but I can say that I have a healthy desire for all that it may offer.
I tend to show my deep sense of love and desire with sex. It is during this time that I use my body, my lips, my hands, my tongue and my manhood to express my love and desires. I tell the story that I can’t seem to share outside of the bedroom, and this is why I don’t regularly engage in frivolous sex.
Comment by Lance
| October 31st, 2008
Interesting response! I have a couple of reactions. Firstly, during my intimacy research, I kept reading that deep intimacy also means vulnerability, and vulnerability means opening yourself up to being “hurt” by your partner, and that’s part and parcel of being in love. I don’t understand why…I feel pretty damn confident and secure about myself, and I think I can be intimate with someone without having them crush me if any of the usual horrible relationship transgressions occur (cheating, dumping, etc etc). Another thing, I’ve definitely had fantastic conversations with strangers about my inner world, dreams, hopes, fears, passions, etc. In pickup, this is called established rapport, and it’s always done on the first encounter. Is that intimacy? Or is intimacy sharing your feelings about boring daily crap? Or both? To be honest, I really don’t understand what intimacy is for normal, non-social artisty couples. I feel strongly that I can open myself up to almost ANYONE I meet, not just a girlfriend.
Okay, secondly, I have this theory about men having sex without emotion. I’m gonna blog about it.
Lance´s last blog post..Into-Me-See: A Couple’s Guide to Intimacy
Comment by Lori
| November 1st, 2008
Men can be physically intimate without getting attached alot easier than women because women’s bodies produce higher levels of oxytocin after sex than mens bodies do.
Oxytocin is the “cuddle hormone”, or the “bonding hormone.” It was natures way of getting us to stay together long enough to reproduce and raise our children.
Personally, I know that having sex with someone can make it easier for me to become attached to them, and then I’m surprised when a partner doesn’t feel quite as attached as I do. Because of this, it makes it much easier for me to be hurt, so I try to be careful about not jumping too quickly into a sexual relationship.
Of course sometimes you just can’t help it, that sexual desire is too strong. Darn those hormones!
As far as emotional intimacy, I totally agree, when you have it too it is way more fulfilling. I just haven’t found too many men who can open up emotionally.
Is it how you’re raised, that men shouldn’t show emotion, or the way you are wired, that makes most men unable to be emotionally intimate?
Comment by lisaq
| November 1st, 2008
Lori is right. It’s all about biology and hormones. It’s why women find themselves falling for men they really don’t even like after having sex with them. Ian Kerner has a great book titled “Be Honest-You’re Not That Into Him Either” that explores this in depth. Very worth reading.
lisaq´s last blog post..Weekly Roundup
Comment by Lori
| November 1st, 2008
lisaq…sounds like a good book. I’ll have to read that…thanks for sharing.
Comment by Leah
| November 1st, 2008
lisaq – Thanks for reminding me of the Kerner book — I was trying to recommend it to a friend and I had forgotten both the title and the author — bot very helpful. LOL
Leah´s last blog post..I’ve been viewed 973 times.
Comment by dadshouse
| November 1st, 2008
Lance – I don’t think intimacy is sharing your feelings about boring daily crap. That’s just unloading. People do that to their co-workers all the time. I know couples do that sometimes, and it can get them into a rut, especially when one partner tunes out and isn’t totally present. But it’s a two way street! If you enjoy sharing about your boring daily crap, find someone who enjoys hearing it. Otherwise, share less, and if you’re the listener, try to be present rather than tuning out the conversation.
According to John Gray’s “Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus”, a lot of men will either tune out, or will try to solve a woman’s problems, when all she wants is to be heard. (I’m not trying to stereotype men and women here – I know conversations go both ways. I’m merely referencing a bestselling advice book)
Lisaq – the book you recommended sounds great!
Comment by krn
| November 1st, 2008
I agree with lori and lisaq about oxytocin and bonding. The Kerner book sounds interesting.
Helen Fisher has written some books on love, attraction and sex for those interested in physiological influences on behavior and differences in female/male response.
Honey’s comment reminded me that the area of the brain that is activated when someone is “madly in love” is the same small area that is involved in both gut responses and some types of euphoria. No wonder the BF picks a fight when he’s hungry. It’s a gut/love/happiness axis thing! ;)
Comment by Kat Wilder
| November 1st, 2008
I think what Lance was describing (if he’ll allow me this) was a level of intimacy we all share — with our friends, our hairdressers, the bartender, strangers at the airport. You share, I share, you listen I listen, and then we realize, OMG, we’re all pretty much the same underneath — somewhat insecure and somewhat wounded people who muddle on anyway. Sure, that’s intimacy; it’s just not the same intimacy we imagine when we talk about the person we love. It’s that, and more. Because, you know, we get naked and have sex with them.
And, yes, Dad, you are right — men and women are wired differently and perceive the world differently, too. We probably have different definitions of intimacy, too, just to add layers of complications upon the Mars/Venus thing!
As for oxytocin, that’s a gal thing after sex (the bonding hormone; it happens after birth, too). Men release a cocktail — norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, nitric oxide and prolactin. That’s why they get sleepy (probably just acknowledging all that!).
All that said, intimacy might mean what Justice Stewart Potter said about porn — I don’t know what it is, but I know it when I see (or feel) it!
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Middle age or the end?
Comment by DEM
| November 1st, 2008
Intimacy? I read being vulnerable, men and women are wired different, physical versus emotional… A couple is two people connected. The strength of that connection is determined by the level of intimacy. Life causes the couple to spin about and if the strength of the connection and thus the level of intimacy is not strong enough, the couple will separate when the spinning gets strong enough to break the bond the level of intimacy they have developed had created.
The goal of any relationship should be to develop the level of intimacy such that the connection or bond between two people is strong enough to weather the bad times and to revel in the good times. We all will get both.
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| November 2nd, 2008
Lisa, I’m a big Kerner fan, and I’ve gotta have that book. Thanks!
Kat, I just tried to write an intimacy post (bear with me, please), and failed to address that oxytocin angle.
Thanks. SO dang true!
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post..What does it really mean to be intimate?
Comment by Doozie
| November 3rd, 2008
I know how to turn off the emotions, I did it numerous times when I went through my “cougar phase”.
I really don’t want to have casual sex all the time, I would rather just find a good partner to oil up with and find a connection. I’m all about FWB right now, but exclusively of course. The emotional attachments that come with it are of no interest to me at this time. I probably just made no sense.
Doozie´s last blog post..The Doozie is very Sad
Comment by Penny
| November 4th, 2008
Have to agree a LOT about how women process their emotions. Not that some women (like myself) aren’t capable of casual sex… but, if it’s casual sex, it will NEVER be anything else. I don’t want to know your last name, your employer, where you live. I don’t care. However, other women (like my sister) although she too participates in casual sex, she tries to turn it into a relationship every time. She wants to tell you everything she “is” and “know” everything about you.
On the other side of things. In my last marriage, I fell completely OUT of love. And with it? the sexual relationship fell apart. I could not find ANY enjoyment with sexual intimacy any longer once the emotional intimacy had gotten shattered.