Comments on: Physical Intimacy

By: Penny

Penny — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 21:37:22 +0000

Have to agree a LOT about how women process their emotions. Not that some women (like myself) aren’t capable of casual sex… but, if it’s casual sex, it will NEVER be anything else. I don’t want to know your last name, your employer, where you live. I don’t care. However, other women (like my sister) although she too participates in casual sex, she tries to turn it into a relationship every time. She wants to tell you everything she “is” and “know” everything about you.

On the other side of things. In my last marriage, I fell completely OUT of love. And with it? the sexual relationship fell apart. I could not find ANY enjoyment with sexual intimacy any longer once the emotional intimacy had gotten shattered.

By: Doozie

Doozie — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 16:02:49 +0000

I know how to turn off the emotions, I did it numerous times when I went through my "cougar phase". I really don't want to have casual sex all the time, I would rather just find a good partner to oil up with and find a connection. I'm all about FWB right now, but exclusively of course. The emotional attachments that come with it are of no interest to me at this time. I probably just made no sense. Doozie´s last blog post..The Doozie is very Sad

By: Single Mom Seeking

Single Mom Seeking — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 08:12:29 +0000

Lisa, I'm a big Kerner fan, and I've gotta have that book. Thanks! Kat, I just tried to write an intimacy post (bear with me, please), and failed to address that oxytocin angle. Thanks. SO dang true! Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post..What does it really mean to be intimate?

By: DEM

DEM — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 02:38:08 +0000

Intimacy? I read being vulnerable, men and women are wired different, physical versus emotional… A couple is two people connected. The strength of that connection is determined by the level of intimacy. Life causes the couple to spin about and if the strength of the connection and thus the level of intimacy is not strong enough, the couple will separate when the spinning gets strong enough to break the bond the level of intimacy they have developed had created.

The goal of any relationship should be to develop the level of intimacy such that the connection or bond between two people is strong enough to weather the bad times and to revel in the good times. We all will get both.

By: Kat Wilder

Kat Wilder — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 01:21:06 +0000

I think what Lance was describing (if he'll allow me this) was a level of intimacy we all share — with our friends, our hairdressers, the bartender, strangers at the airport. You share, I share, you listen I listen, and then we realize, OMG, we're all pretty much the same underneath — somewhat insecure and somewhat wounded people who muddle on anyway. Sure, that's intimacy; it's just not the same intimacy we imagine when we talk about the person we love. It's that, and more. Because, you know, we get naked and have sex with them. And, yes, Dad, you are right — men and women are wired differently and perceive the world differently, too. We probably have different definitions of intimacy, too, just to add layers of complications upon the Mars/Venus thing! As for oxytocin, that's a gal thing after sex (the bonding hormone; it happens after birth, too). Men release a cocktail — norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, nitric oxide and prolactin. That's why they get sleepy (probably just acknowledging all that!). All that said, intimacy might mean what Justice Stewart Potter said about porn — I don't know what it is, but I know it when I see (or feel) it! Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Middle age or the end?

By: krn

krn — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 00:21:41 +0000

I agree with lori and lisaq about oxytocin and bonding. The Kerner book sounds interesting.

Helen Fisher has written some books on love, attraction and sex for those interested in physiological influences on behavior and differences in female/male response.

Honey’s comment reminded me that the area of the brain that is activated when someone is “madly in love” is the same small area that is involved in both gut responses and some types of euphoria. No wonder the BF picks a fight when he’s hungry. It’s a gut/love/happiness axis thing! ;)

By: dadshouse

dadshouse — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 17:24:36 +0000

Lance – I don’t think intimacy is sharing your feelings about boring daily crap. That’s just unloading. People do that to their co-workers all the time. I know couples do that sometimes, and it can get them into a rut, especially when one partner tunes out and isn’t totally present. But it’s a two way street! If you enjoy sharing about your boring daily crap, find someone who enjoys hearing it. Otherwise, share less, and if you’re the listener, try to be present rather than tuning out the conversation.

According to John Gray’s “Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus”, a lot of men will either tune out, or will try to solve a woman’s problems, when all she wants is to be heard. (I’m not trying to stereotype men and women here – I know conversations go both ways. I’m merely referencing a bestselling advice book)

Lisaq – the book you recommended sounds great!