Date Stacking
A few weeks back, before my mojo briefly disappeared on me, I was pursuing two different women over a stretch of time. Both were attractive, intelligent, mid to late-30s. They were quite happy to text me, email me, and even talk to me on the phone (one had a very sexy West Indies accent). But both appeared to be playing the same game:
Date Stacking
What is date stacking? A former girlfriend of mine, who I’m still good friends with, said it’s a technique that was floated by some woman’s magazine (Cosmo? I’m not sure.) She explained it this way –
- An attractive woman finds herself aggressively pursued by multiple men.
- Rather than accept the advances of one and say no to the others, she says yes to everyone in the hopes that the best man will win her over.
- The problem is, she might say yes to multiple men for dates on the same night.
- Then at the last minute, based on whim, or intuition, or whatever sounds like the most fun, she accepts a date with one guy and blows the others off.
Remember the woman I asked out in front of my kids in a restaurant? (I blogged her story in 3 parts: meeting the woman of my dreams, first date scheduling, getting blown off) My ex-girlfriend thinks she was date stacking.
The concept behind date stacking is that when a woman blows guys off, the guys who are super interested in her will try again. Once he tries hard enough, she rewards him with a date. Some guys will think this is bogus, and won’t give her the time of day after getting blown off once or twice. But she doesn’t care. Since she’s in such high demand, she can afford to let some guys slip away.
Women in Silicon Valley are in high demand, because there aren’t enough single women for the number of single men here. Attractive women are in super high demand.
(Occam’s razor might weigh in and say “it’s not date stacking, David, it’s YOU.” To which my ex-girlfriend will tell Occam, “it’s not David. He’s a great guy. And your razor is dull.”)
Funny thing is – one of these women keeps texting me sporadically, like I’m still in the mix. (She even texted me this past weekend!) What she doesn’t know is that MY MOJO IS BACK. When I reply to her text and say I’m just hanging out, I don’t give her another thought. And it doesn’t bug me when she doesn’t respond again. I know she’s just making sure I’m still tethered, but actually, I’m not tethered at all.
I figure these women who practice date stacking do it to feel wanted. They don’t feel good about themselves. (Maybe deep down, they even think that men suck.) It’s a game they play to give them a buzz of feeling wanted and desired, like guys are lining up for them.
If you’re a woman, and you’re lucky enough to be in a place where you’re in high demand – by all means, feel free to date non-exclusively for as long as you like. But do us guys a favor and don’t accept multiple dates on the same night. Date stacking sucks.
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Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 10th, 2008
I see nothing wrong with a woman keeping in touch with numerous men. There is no reason for a man to think that just because he’s sparked some interest in a woman that it means she’s gonna set it all aside for him, in hopes he will turn out to the “the one.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It just shouldn’t be necessarily expected.
However, this stringing-men-along-when-you’re-not-really-that-interested-in-them concept is rude and duplicitous.
I think your instincts are good about these specific women. And I also think that a good 80-90 percent of women employ these tactics. (Because pussy is ALWAYS the commodity.)
One thing you can find solace in is the fact that these tactics always backfire, at one point or another. They get a few men lined up so that they don’t wind up alone. “Oh, I want to be with THIS man or THAT man but so-and-so is always available, so I always have him to fall back on.” Then THIS or THAT man calls up so she tells Mister Reliable she’s busy. And guess what? THIS or THAT falls through, too! Ha!
And then she says, “Men are assholes.”
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..I Don’t Know Much…
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 10th, 2008
(I also think 80-90 percent of men are guilty of this same craftiness.)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..I Don’t Know Much…
Comment by Heidi
| November 10th, 2008
I don’t see how playing this sort of game can possibly have a good outcome. It seems to me that these women are merely doing this to boost their own egos, not to really meet a man.
Heidi´s last blog post..When Co-Parenting Goes Bad
Comment by Kevin M
| November 10th, 2008
Very interesting. I never actually thought people would do this. That does suck. That could explain the flakes I’ve encountered in the past.
Comment by T
| November 10th, 2008
OMG… I love Teri’s response. Girl! You are a hoot!
I agree with her. I have numerous men in my life but they know where I stand. I do my best not to lead them into thinking that they have a chance with me… unless they do! Eh… I’ve never been good at being one of those girls who hides how I’m really feeling about someone. Several of my girlfriends are trying to train me to be this way. Is it really less painful to make myself harder and string men along for my own ego boost? I just can’t do it.
I had no idea some girls did this… You are filling me in on all kinds of stuff, DH! You’re quite the dating guru, aren’t you?!
T´s last blog post..Monogamous but kinky; Confident but humble
Comment by Leah
| November 10th, 2008
Wow — I’ve always been much more the victim of date stacking than the perpetrator. I guess it didn’t occur to me that chicks do this too. I always like to think we’re more enlightened of the sexes, but I really have to put this absurdity to rest, LOL.
I think you have the right attitude, DH. I think people sense that “tethered” vibe from a mile away and either get repelled or attracted. And you don’t want the ones who get attracted to that, believe me!
Leah´s last blog post..On falling and failing
Comment by mama llama
| November 10th, 2008
I’ve never heard of this, Dads. But my initial reaction is: security blanket. Whoever involved in the practice of date-stacking is so insecure that they have to ensure there are multiple possibilites or they will be left (gasp!) alone. Agreed with Teri, as well, when occuring with nobody knowing where exactly they stand, that is crappy, unfair, immature and rude. Why toy with the feelings of others just to feed into one’s own insecurities?
Good for you for following your vibes. See? You have a good sixth sense on you!
Be well, Dads.
mama llama´s last blog post..another brain cleansing
Comment by Lance
| November 10th, 2008
I’ve date stacked before, usually two women on the same night, but I’ve always actually gone on both dates…usually drinks from 7-9pm, and then drinks or partying from 9:30 until ?? It’s good strategy and part of the dating game, IMO. Everyone that knows what they’re doing is doing it. It’s super rude to blow off date #2 (or 3) just because you had a good date #1. Follow through and pare down your dates over email later on.
I’ve been on dates with women who also had dates stacked up, either the same night or same week, and been blown off, and it’s really no biggie. Just roll with it and keep looking.
@Cathouse: Pussy is not a commodity. Pussy is as common and easy to find as dirt.
Lance´s last blog post..Barack Obama Tells Us What Romance Is
Comment by Laura
| November 10th, 2008
I have “dated” more than one guy at a time – right now there are 3 possibilities but I never schedule time on the same day! It would just be too hard to manage!
And I know how crap I feel if I get let down last minute so try not to do it to someone else – unless its because of my kids!!
Laura´s last blog post..“how am I going to START being … “
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| November 10th, 2008
Interesting! I admit I like the idea (though I’ve never done it) of trying to date several guys at the same time instead of just focusing on one at a time. But, like Cat Teri, I would draw the line at double scheduling and standing one guy up depending on my mood.
So, women, what do you say to put off a man’s efforts at relationship exclusivity before you’re ready for all that? Seems like men always want you for themselves, even if they’re not that into you, actually.
Comment by Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)
| November 10th, 2008
Well said… and I must say, not that I am in high demand but when I get more than one caller… I do try hard “not” to date stack… just because I am in no hurry to be exclusive… doesn’t mean I should play games and pretend it doesn’t hurt feelings along the way.
So more than one date a week, yes. On the same night and blow one of them off— NEVER.
Thanks for sharing.
Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)´s last blog post..Flags instead of Fiascos
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| November 10th, 2008
I’ve never date stacked, as far as I know… but I’ve been stacked for sure.
I agree that Cathouse T is a hoot! “Pussy is ALWAYS the commodity.”
Is that how the male mind works?
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post..A contest and the winner is…
Comment by dadshouse
| November 10th, 2008
Teri – I disagree with your commodity assessment. I think that might be true for some men, but it’s certainly not true for all. There are many reasons to want to be with a woman. If it was just for sex, I would have dated some women who were great in bed, but otherwise not very nice people. I look for compassion, intelligence, an active healthy lifestyle, vibrancy, AND sexiness. Not just sexiness.
Mad Cartoonist – welcome to the male ego. I think a lot of guys, when they are with a woman, want her for themselves, even if they aren’t that into her. It’s a territorial thing built into our DNA to provide and protect.
Comment by Mike
| November 10th, 2008
I remember when I first starting dating again after divorce. This woman I met, we talked, IM’d, emailed, and she constantly cancelled our dates. One of my friends told me some women just like the chase and having men pursuing them. They never go out with them though. Weird.
Mike´s last blog post..It’s Over
Comment by Vinomom
| November 10th, 2008
I’ve never really heard of date stacking, or anyone that made more than one date in a night, but I haven’t dated a lot either. Theres nothing wrong with dating more than one person, but more than one in a night? I think that is really rude. How can you be focused on the person you’re with while anticipating a date with someone else in a couple hours?
I also agree that girls that do this may be more worried about having SOMEONE to date than dating the right person. I hope you meet someone nice soon! And good to see you have your MOJO back.
Vinomom´s last blog post..Sucking It In
Comment by Honey
| November 10th, 2008
I’ve dated multiple people at a time but wouldn’t usually do two in one day (unless one was lunch and one was dinner) and I never stood anyone up. It’s too easy to say no in the first place. As long as you’re not sleeping with someone, there’s nothing wrong with it and no conversation necessary. If you’re sleeping with multiple folks, then you need to let them know so they can make an informed decision.
Honey´s last blog post..Help! My BF Won’t Use a Condom!
Comment by Exception
| November 10th, 2008
Do men do this too? And if no, why do women do it while men don’t?
Exception´s last blog post..The Elephant in the Room aka Family Secrets
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 10th, 2008
David ~ *sigh* I hate it when I have to explain my jokes.
I didn’t mean PUSSY is the commodity as in SEX. I meant PUSSY as in women. Women are always the commodity. Whether you’re in Silicon Valley or not.
(Of course, not according to Lance, although there seems to be a huge market ~ one which he is in ~ that is all about how to get them!)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!
Comment by Tracey
| November 10th, 2008
I have dated more than one person at a time, but never set up dates on the same night. That is just rude and immature. As a single parent, I don’t have the time or energy to play silly games like that. I must be out of the loop, because I don’t think I know anyone who has the kind of time and patience for those kind of games (but obviously this stuff happens).
Tracey´s last blog post..Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus
Comment by The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma
| November 10th, 2008
Wow, date stacking sucks….. I’ve never done that. I’ve dated multiple people but never blew one off for the other. I guess, I’m one of those nice-bad girls. Thanks for checking out my page. Your awesome.
The Girl You Don’t Bring Home to Momma´s last blog post..So Touching – Close to Tears
Comment by Brooke
| November 10th, 2008
Wow…date stacking. That’s a whole new phrase for my mind. I’ve certainly dated more than one person at a time, but never planned dates for the same night with multiple men. I think that is pretty egotistical. And then rude to cancel on one (or more) at the last minute. I think a person has to be pretty shallow in order to use this tactic.
Love your blog, btw! Thanks for checking out mine this weekend!
Brooke´s last blog post..When Did He Become a Little Man?
Comment by moody.bitch
| November 10th, 2008
“When I reply to her text and say I’m just hanging out, I don’t give her another thought. And it doesn’t bug me when she doesn’t respond again. I know she’s just making sure I’m still tethered, but actually, I’m not tethered at all.”
Why are you even bothering to reply back to her? If I thought someone was just checking to see if I was still “tethered”, the swiftest way I’d let them know I’m not would be by ignoring them entirely. I’m certainly not going to help them waste my precious time. ;)
moody.bitch´s last blog post..Overcoming Low Self-Esteem And Dealing with Jerks
Comment by Attainingme
| November 10th, 2008
I believe in never canceling on someone. This rule has always saved me from date stacking. I truly am forced to go through the anxiety before committing. Thank you for the guy’s perspective. I also think anyone that date stacking is also someone who is just dating to date. I doub that one feels true possibility with so many people to date stack . . .
Attainingme´s last blog post..Parte 2. Los hombres latinos de “If you want me body and you think I am sexy” . . . don’t tell me!
Comment by tnandga
| November 10th, 2008
AHHA! Now I understand what was going on with the man I had been seeing for the last few months. He was quite attentive (phone calls, texts, and frequent dates)at first. Suddenly there was a big job that required his attention, etc. I took him at his word but when the situation didn’t change I just fiqured he wasn’t so into me anymore but he kept sending random texts, now I know, tether texts. Last one I told him enjoy the new woman and it was fun. My life stays too busy to play the fish on the hook for him, moving on.
Comment by Amy
| November 10th, 2008
I did this when I was in my early twenties – but now in my early thirties – no thanks. It requires way too much energy.
Amy´s last blog post..Journal 110: October 2008 And Lastly, "Lastdays"
Comment by Jimmy
| November 10th, 2008
Pussy is always the commodity?
This and date stacking kind of reminds me of the ladder theory that was going around a couple of years ago-anyone else?
Comment by SDMktg
| November 11th, 2008
Cancelling at the last minute is always rude but when you have kids it’s even more frustrating. I’ve only had it happen a few times, always with dates from Match.com because there’s no “real life” connection like a friend that set us up or going to the same gym, coffee shop, etc. When something falls through at the last minute it generally means a night of eating at the bar, cleaning the house, and watching TV unless by some miracle one of my friends is free at that moment. When it comes to that sort of behavior, there are no second chances. No more email, no more calls, I am out because I just don’t need that and I don’t do it to other people.
Comment by Eli
| November 16th, 2008
I think these observations are important, and it’s interesting that you’ve done the research and the time to think about these things.
More importantly however, is the attitude in which you seek knowledge. Why wouldn’t the feminine seek to find the best man for her life? This is the type of mindset that the masculine thrives in. Competition, striving for the prize. You have to look at this from the feminine point of view to understand this. I am a man, in a relationship and it still doesn’t change.
The masculine, true masculine desires a totally feminine woman. Someone who will be loved and respected and desired, and provide that back to you. This means that you cannot settle for someone who is not committed fully to a life that will provide you all of the joys of the feminine.
This is where you take a look at your priorities, evaluate your life and decide; is this woman really the woman that will bring me everything the feminine has to offer, is she worth the prize, worth the work? If so, then you begin to evaluate yourself and determine if you are worthy of such a woman. If you are the better man and she is sending out an open loving heart to the universe, open to the man that will open her fully to love, then you will do it. That is the only way to see it.
To critique or look for a way to provide evidence that the way women are dating or searching for a man is incorrect provides all the wrong signals to a deeply feminine force. If that woman were reading your blog she may agree with you on the surface and admit that there are logical problems with such an approach. However, this type of dating, and the play that the feminine brings to the world is not going to change based upon some logical viewpoints about their activity.
Masculine is logical, driven and purposeful. The feminine is changing and moving and growing. You either are willing to step up to the challenge, no excuses, and give her all your masculine strength, purpose and drive, or you’re not. That’s all she will ever see.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 16th, 2008
Cool comment, Eli. Very thought provoking. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..As You Wish
Comment by dadshouse
| November 16th, 2008
Eli, I agree that men should compete for a woman, and that women bring a moving, growing, vibrant force. But since when is being rude a feminine trait, let alone one to be cherished? Do I want to be with someone who sets up multiple dates on the same night, then cancels, or worse, doesn’t bother to cancel or show up? Um…no.
I’m not trying to logically convince any women to change. I’m merely pointing out that some women date stack, and they aren’t worth my time or effort. I’m not asking women to drop everything and date me exclusively from the get-go. I have stepped up to the plate and competed for fabulous women, with great results, and will continue to do so. The date stacking women can play their games elsewhere, no worries.