How to Ask a Teacher Out
On Back to School Night this year, I asked out the teacher of one of my kids. Only problem – she’s engaged to be married. Oops! Readers weighed in saying:
- I shouldn’t have pounced so quickly
- I was now the talk of the teacher’s lounge
- I had cajones
Recently a single dad stumbled upon that post, and wrote the following comment (which he permitted me to republish here):
I am a single dad as well. I Have met my Daughters 2nd grade teacher twice now. Once at open house, and then I volunteered to help out a couple weeks ago in her class. I ended up being there for a couple hours, helping the children with pumpkins, etc. I found myself attracted to her and got the feeling that it may be reciprocated. We email each other almost every day, mostly regarding my daughter making it to school on time on the days her mother has her.
Here is my question. I am thinking about asking her out. She does not have a ring, and she goes by Miss.
I was thinking about simply stating, “hi, I hope I am not overstepping my bounds, but I was wondering if you would be interested in going out some time?”
Or should I not even bring up the overstepping bounds part?
Sounds like a perfect discussion topic for Dad’s House readers.
Should a single dad ask his kid’s teacher out?
If so, how should he do it? Volunteer and get to know her? Ask around with the other moms and dads? Go straight for the jugular? There are plenty of sweet talk pick up lines.
Class is in session…
- Meeting Women the Old Fashioned Way
- Love vs Fear
- Hot Date, Cold Approach
- Dating After Divorce
- How to Pick Up Women, Dad’s House Junior Edition
- Hot Bus Girl
- Older Men and Younger Women
- Flirting in Front of Your Ex Wife or Ex Husband
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Comment by lisaq
| November 11th, 2008
Speaking from the teacher point of view, I don’t think it’s a good idea if your child is in the teacher’s class. Things can get awkward and complicated quick whether she says yes or whether she says no. There’s really almost a conflict of interest. Sure, it might be okay if everything goes well but if not, your child is still in her class. There are more events to come. Parent teacher conferences to name one. You also have to consider administration in the whole equation. They may frown on a teacher dating one of her students’ parents. Best thing to do is wait it out. If you’re still interested at the end of the school year, when your child will be moving to a different teacher’s classroom, that might be a better option.
lisaq´s last blog post..Reader Question: What Are the Rules of a Break?
Comment by Heidi
| November 11th, 2008
As a teacher, I think it’s a bad idea for a parent to ask their child’s teacher out. It could lead to a potentially awkward situation for all involved and could put the teacher’s job at risk. Wait till next year when your child isn’t in her class and then ask her out!
Heidi´s last blog post..What to do with the marital bling once the marriage has ended.
Comment by Lance
| November 11th, 2008
If they’re emailing daily, it’s on, which means you can casually toss out an invite:
“Hey, was thinking about heading out for a martini on Friday, would you care to join?”
Something simple and non-threatening like that. They’ve probably talked about mutual interests, so really you can use any excuse to get together. Even if she says no, which she might, it’s no biggee, just try gain later.
Also, the conflict of interest, which IMO is mild, is well worth the risk. Hello, we’re talking about love here!! When you’re single and dating, you ALWAYS put yourself at risk. Live passionately and go for it.
Lance´s last blog post..Oooh Snap! Natalie Dylan on Tyra With An Old Dude
Comment by Laura
| November 11th, 2008
Why could it put the teachers job at risk?
I would open the door and see if she is willing to walk through!
Obviously dont go rushing in with a marriage proposal and even if the play it cool till the end of the school year – I dont see the harm in letting her know you may be interested!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 11th, 2008
lisaq said it all. And she said it perfectly.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!
Comment by justrun
| November 11th, 2008
I think he needs to wait until the end of the school year when this woman is no longer his child’s teacher. I could say a lot more, but that’s the sum of it.
justrun´s last blog post..To Each Her Own, Clearly
Comment by debra
| November 11th, 2008
Depending on the school policies, there could be serious consequences if a teacher pursued a relationship with a current student. I agree; wait until his daughter is no longer a student. That said, he’s got half a school year to start building a sort of relationship, that of involved parent. If he continues to stay in contact, and stay involved in the class, the opportunity to discuss what might be appropriate, from her perspective, may naturally come up. In the mean time, staying involved in your daughter’s class is a win-win for everyone involved.
Comment by Crazy Computer Dad
| November 11th, 2008
Lisaq is right on, and everyone that followed her suit. Also, kids are not so dull as you might think. They will catch on and it greatly complicates things for them too. While it is great to think about what is best for the adults, we can be quite selfish when you get right down to it, don’t forget that there is a vulnerable and confused child having to cope with two households and why the relationship between her mother and father isn’t like the rest of the kids.
Comment by Twenty Four At Heart
| November 11th, 2008
I think it’s a bad idea. It could backfire and cause backlash on his kid for the remainder of the school year. The welfare of the child should come first. If there’s really something there he can ask her out at the end of the school year once the final report cards are completed. Any decent teacher would turn down the offer anyway.
Comment by Mike
| November 11th, 2008
Like dating someone you work with, I think waiting till after the school years end would be better. There are plenty of other women to date without the possibilty of the drama that could be created.
Mike´s last blog post..It’s Over
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| November 11th, 2008
While I love how bold this dad is — and there something incredibly sweet about all that emailing — I agree with Lisa and the others: wait till summer break!
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post..The man I hope to love
Comment by chi
| November 11th, 2008
Do not date the teacher for all of Lisa Q’s reasons and some more. I dated a single dad from daughter’s school. We didn’t tell anyone, but suddenly people somehow knew because someone had seen us out. It was a nightmare to be gossiped about and then having to worry what other kids might say to our kids. People talk about things in front of their kids. plus, then exes hear things.
Why is he emailing the teacher daily about if his daughter made it school on time? Surely he and and his ex can email each other or text one another about the whereabouts of their child.
Keep things professional with the teacher. As a former teacher, nothing annoyed me more than families bringing their dynamics for me to play referee between.
If you do start something your kids will find out through some grapevine.
Comment by Eathan
| November 11th, 2008
Thank got my kids current teachers aren’t attractive to me. But I have to agree with LisaQ and the others. It’s a bad idea. It’s a conflict of interest. And things can get very weird for the kids. Stay on the side line.. and wait until the last day of school.
Eathan´s last blog post..Question From Reader – Biracial Cute
Comment by Lance
| November 11th, 2008
Have you people ever met a young, hot female teacher? They’re party girls…seriously, when I’m on match, I actively look for the teachers (of which there are many) because I know they’re fun. I think dating a nice single parent is WAY safer than her dating some player-type she meets at a bar. And, frankly, the dads emailer sounds like solid guy. Where’s the risk? These are professional adults and they can keep everything aboveboard.
Lance´s last blog post..Oooh Snap! Natalie Dylan on Tyra With An Old Dude
Comment by Exception
| November 11th, 2008
I am on the fence with this one. I mean, if there is really something there, and it can’t wait until the school year ends, then the child is at an age where it most likely would be okay should the child not know what is happening. In a higher grade I would say not until the child is out of the class.
But then again, is it possible to be just friends until May or June? That would keep things less complicated.
Exception´s last blog post..Learning Deep Love Over Time *Abstract post follows*
Comment by Vinomom
| November 11th, 2008
I can see the point of waiting until the schol year ends but thats six months away! Too much time for interest to wane…With the child being in second grade I really do not see the harm in getting to know her better.
I’d ask her out, and let her take the lead on how involved she wants to be with a parent of a student. Afterall it’s really a conflict of interest for HER, not for the Dad, if you consider it a conflict at all…
Vinomom´s last blog post..Sucking It In
Comment by Nette @ Smiling Mom
| November 11th, 2008
I’m a 2nd grade teacher. I’d open the door, let her know how you feel, see if she feels the same way. Then keep it platonic for the remainder of the year. Maybe as the year goes on, you can plan a date for the week after school ends.
The teacher has your child in the class for hours and hours each day. It’d be a bit odd to be dating the kid’s father, especially if the relationship eventually fails. Just my two cents. I’d love to hear how this plays out!!
Comment by mama llama
| November 11th, 2008
Another teacher weighing in–don’t go there. Lisaq said it all.
Be well, Dads.
mama llama´s last blog post..another brain cleansing
Comment by Zeet
| November 11th, 2008
O.K. I guess I will chime in. First I just want to say, that I understand the reservations of asking out your child’s teacher. I mean, that is the whole reason I posed the question to begin with. I can see how, if things go bad it could be uncomfortable at teacher conferences etc. But, How many of those are there? maybe two? I just feel that two adults can handle those things professionally.
My children are young enough that they would not need, or even care to know.
I work in the medical field, so I understand some of the balance of dating and work. I won’t date any one I work with, but I would be open to dating someone who works in a different department. It is more sensitive when you put a child in the mix, and I understand that. I would not want to put my daughter in a position that would be negative for her.
That all being said, I like this girl. I have come to understand that if you wait for something, you don’t get it. The good things come to those who wait line is inaccurate. If I do nothing and say nothing, then In a few months from now, she may get snagged from someone else. I might get snagged by someone else. I might as well put myself out there. Now, she may have no interest in me other then I am a good father to one of her students. If that is so… well, that is fine, too bad , but fine. At least I know.
So she emailed me yesterday, and told me she was looking foreword to having the day off today so she could sleep in. She also put a little wink in ;)
So I wrote her back. I told her I was looking foreword to the same thing and I asked her the question. I liked the way Dave had wrote in his note to his child’s teacher that he hoped she at least gets a smile out of it, So I added that at the end. This is the line.
“I hope I am not overstepping here, but would you be interested in going out some time? If I am off the mark here, then I hope it at least brings you a smile.”
I think it says it all pretty well. I think I show that I understand the dynamics. It lets her know I am interested, and I give her an out. No matter what her response, I think we can act like adults during our student teacher conference.
I really wish I could have done it in person, but I don’t know when I would see her next. Maybe the “want to go out for a martini” line would have been better.
Comment by T
| November 11th, 2008
I see Lance’s point of view. One of my best friends is the principal at my kids’ preschool and OMG… She.is.a.BLAST!! I seriously have to compartmentalize the things she does or says sometimes because she is the preschool principal. But damn I love her and her wild ways…
Still, I have to agree. Become friends, stay in contact but wait to push it further until school’s out. The teacher would probably agree and respect this dad for holding out for her.
T´s last blog post..Burning so bright
Comment by T
| November 11th, 2008
Oh wow. I just read his response above. Well… I guess we’ll see then, won’t we?
T´s last blog post..Burning so bright
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| November 11th, 2008
I’d say, why not ask? If you’re emailing daily, you’re already involved. No harm in casually asking her–she can always cite policy if she wants an easy way to say no.
And if you do start dating, why not just keep it quiet from your kid(s) until school’s out?
It’s not like you tell your kids about every casual date you go on anyway (at least, I hope not!). Maybe you won’t get past 1 or 2 dates, in which case, no problem. On the other hand, if you are still hot and heavy when summer starts, that’s a perfect time to start letting your kids in on the secret, and by then it won’t be much of an issue since she won’t be your kid’s teacher any more.
Comment by dadshouse
| November 11th, 2008
I’m all for him asking the teacher out! I understand there are risks, but I think they can be worked around. For instance, if you did start dating publicly, the teachers in the teachers lounge would talk. Other parents would talk. Your kids might hear things on the playground. Plus, your ex-wife might feel the teacher is no longer treating both parents equally. So maybe dating publicly right now is a bad idea – that part should wait until summer.
For now, get things started and keep it light and fun, and maybe even non-exclusive. Lance is right, young teachers can be party girls. But they also love kids, so they offer an intoxicating mix of sexy and sweet.
I fell hard for two of my kids’ elementary teachers. I waited until the end of the year to act – and guess what? By then, both teachers had serious boyfriends who they ended up eventually marrying. You have to strike while the iron is hot! You can’t wait till the end of the year. Just move cautiously so that you don’t create an uncomfortable environment for your child. That’s the lesson I learned, and the reason I jumped on asking my kids’ teacher out at back to school night this year.
Comment by Zeet
| November 11th, 2008
Couldn’t agree more. You are right on about that mix of “party girl” and sweet too. I think that is what hooked me. Everything was going well on the day I volunteered, then it was kind of all of a sudden that I realized… Hey she is kind of cute! Later I noticed the tattoo peeking out from the waist of her jeans, then she told me she was going to vegas for the first time with her girlfriend. That was it, I was hooked :)
A girl who is fun, good looking, and good with kids. Sounds good to me.
Comment by Avigail74
| November 11th, 2008
I’m a teacher myself—and it’s such a taboo for us to date parents. I even got in so much trouble for dating an administrator in my building—so much trouble that they transferred me to another school.
I’ve had several fathers show interest in me–flirt with me–give me business cards (knowing damn well that I have access to all their numbers)–and I have to play dumb. Let me tell you—that is a hard thing for me to do for I’m quite a flirt myself!
Comment by SDMktg
| November 11th, 2008
My kids teachers have always been married. :(
I have met several teachers out and about and they are generally a lot of fun and very nice.
SDMktg´s last blog post..SEMA Show 2008 – Cars, Trucks, Models, and Freedom Grill
Comment by Solo-Dad
| November 11th, 2008
I agree with all who think this is a worst-case scenario waiting to happen. It could really ugly very quickly.
Pause, think, then go online. :)
Solo-Dad´s last blog post..Solo-Dad’s 4th Wedding
Comment by Cyndi
| November 11th, 2008
If it was the end of the school year I’d say go for it. Short of mid-may though, no way. There is no way to predict how it could turn out. We all know that even a few fabulous dates at the beginning doesn’t mean anything for the long run. In the event something were to go wrong, the poor child is then stuck in the middle. And regardles off the adult outcome, who’s to predict how other kids will react to the news and to the kid, specifically, should they get wind of it. Kids are cruel. Way to many risks all the way around so long as the child is still in that teacher’s classroom.
Cyndi´s last blog post..Coffee and a slice of humble pie
Comment by Jimmy
| November 11th, 2008
I agree with most of the teachers-its a bad idea for a person to date someone who can complain about you to you employer. I work in a a technical position with a large corporation and do enter in any type of personal relationship with clients because if it turns sour, my job could be on the line. I don’t understand how Lance can say the guy sounds sold from 3 lines of text on an email. I have known people for years in person who I thought we’re solid who let me down.
Comment by Sam
| November 11th, 2008
I’ve dated a teacher and have a few friends who are in that profession. Some of my friends have told me they were asked out by their student’s father, but had to decline. Not because they weren’t attracted to the man, but because they thought it was an ethical grey area.
Sam´s last blog post..Dormitory Pranks And Horror Stories
Comment by Kat Wilder
| November 12th, 2008
This one’s pretty much a no-brainer for me; do not, ever, get involved with someone who has a direct connection to your child. If she’s hot, she’ll still be hot in a year, when your child has moved on. Then you can move in. Unless, you know, you like drama ….
Kat Wilder´s last blog post..Whose child is this anyway?
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 12th, 2008
For statistic minded people, you boyz sure know how to ignore the obvious!
A good twenty people (at least four of them are or have been teachers and most of them are parents, some of their children grown) said this was not only a bad idea, but a BAD idea.
Two or three said “Do it!” ~ and three or four were basically “on the fence.”
At any rate, good conversation stimulus. And I don’t believe Zeet ever was really asking if he SHOULD ask the teacher out, but rather how he should go about it.
Still, when you guys throw your statistics at me, I think I’ll use an example such as this to show that statistics really don’t matter to people when they are making decisions. They do what they want.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!
Comment by Honey
| November 12th, 2008
Well, Catshouse Teri, you also can’t use polls to really figure out what’s best for you. I think the guy played it how he should have…the conflict of interest is for the teacher, not the dad, so put the ball in her court and let her do what makes her feel comfortable. We don’t even know if she’s interested!
Honey´s last blog post..The Nicest Surprise
Comment by krn
| November 12th, 2008
Absolutely! Ask her out right away. I taught for one year and would have been very flattered to be asked out by a student’s hunky Dad. I do think there is a slight conflict of interest, but if she feels the same attraction, let it be her decision. Good luck to your reader. I hope she accepts his invitation and they connect. It seems reasonable to keep things pretty low key until the school year is over and his child moves on to another teacher’s classroom for the child’s interests, however. But, love isn’t always a reasonable sort of thing so there is a risk involved. It’s a risk worth taking if you feel there is potential.
Comment by Zeet
| November 12th, 2008
All right. I got an answer back.
I want to point out that I understand the conflict she has as a teacher with this. First off, she may have no interest at all. Second, she may be interested, but feel it is something that can not be acted upon because of the situation. And third, she is interested and is willing to try as long as it is handled in the right manner.
I want to say, that I really do like this person, more then a passing “hottie”. I am genuinely interested in her.
And I agree with Honey, it really is in her court. The “polling” so to speak is more for her then me. I do think it could be done the right way. As far as ending bad goes, that does not have to transcend to the class room. I think those things can be kept separate. Just as it can be kept separate if things were to go very well. If two people hit it off, it could be hard to keep things slow, but I know it can be done, at least until the proper time.
O.K. so here is what your waiting for right? her reply.
She sent me an email back and it simply said
“I got your email. It is very important for me to keep an extremely
professional relationship with you and your family. ”
Signed her name.
I answered her back saying that I completely understand. And I hope she had a great day off.
That’s it.
So now…
I don’t think any harm was done in my acting on my feelings. At least not unless I were to loose my head and do something stupid like persist, or ask again right?
Which I won’t.
So the only puzzle left for me is this. Is she interested but will not mix work with her personal life? Or is she not interested and does not want to mix the two?
I don’t know, and maybe never will.
So from here, I will continue our normal talks etc. And I will be a good helpful dad. And maybe at the end of the year, I can ask again. And maybe, just by showing that I can and will act professionally, after my little faux pa, she will be able to trust that We could handle the possibility of dating when my child is no longer her student.
Comment by dadshouse
| November 12th, 2008
You’re right, there’s no way of telling what she thinks for real. But her message is crystal clear – there can be nothing between you two. Bummer!
Best thing for you to do, in my opinion, is move on to someone new. You can always try again with this teacher in summer. But if you don’t chase someone else, thinking about this teacher will drive you nuts!
Kudos for sticking your neck out.
Comment by Zeet
| November 12th, 2008
Thanks, And I agree 100% time to move on…
at least I tried.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 13th, 2008
I really do think harm was done. I think Zeet f*#ked up. Women don’t like men who behave too hastily. (I think I mentioned this when David was relating his story about the teacher.) Women appreciate men who think about what they are doing. If Zeet had approached her on a more cautious level, while remaining interested, she would have appreciated that much more.
You see, women get hit on all the time. A man must make himself appear different than the average hitter-onner. Often, when a woman shows any amount of interest in a man, he will start running with it. Then she’ll back off. Especially in a case like this, where there is definitely a precarious situation. As I said, women don’t appreciate this. They see it as a man who is pretty much horny or desperate. Neither one of these being attractive. Regardless of the fact that inside, this man isn’t after her just for sex. Unfortunately, many a man has done the very same thing when he does want just sex.
A man who wisely weighs the situation and presents himself as exceptional is the one who gets the date. There is never ever ever ever a reason to think you must hurry and take an opportunity. Sure, there are plenty of stories of “missed opportunities,” but I can almost guarantee you that most of those were never really opportunities anywhere but in your minds.
And you could now say, “Shut up Teri, what makes you an expert? You don’t even know these people!” This is true. But I know men and I certainly know women. And if a man isn’t interested in hearing about the working of a woman’s mind then he’s pretty much in the boat he deserves to be in.
*Side Note ~ there are SOME men who don’t have to follow any of these rules because they are drop dead gorgeous and make a woman swoon and forget everything and anything reasonable. This is not a common man either. And unless you are that sort of man, I’d be trying to get points elsewhere.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!
Comment by dadshouse
| November 13th, 2008
Teri – I think you are very wise about the ways of men and woman. However, it’s not fair to judge every man who moves quickly as being horny or desperate. Those labels show your perspective, but aren’t necessarily the truth of what’s going on in Zeet’s or any other man’s mind.
Think of it this way – I hear women all the time complain that they make eye contact with a man in a coffee house, or a bar, or in line somewhere, and he doesn’t act. He hesitates. Lance will tell you that hesitation is a killer. If a guy takes too long to come say something, then she starts thinking his approach isn’t genuine, that he’s thinking too much.
I’m just saying that flirting is a dance between two people, and the steps are different every time.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 13th, 2008
David ~ I was not projecting my perspective of a fast-moving man as being horny or desperate. I was saying that women, in general, will likely perceive a man who moves too quickly (especially in certain situations) as being horny or desperate. As for complaints about a man not acting on the eye contact, of course I think a man should respond to eye contact! HOW he responds is what is in question here. You may notice that I (and others) said Zeet should have showed interest and remained in contact with this teacher. The recommendation was never to just ignore her and hope she’s still available at the end of the year. A man in a coffee shop who notices a woman should definitely respond with interest. Just not OVER interest.
It does take two to tango, and the steps are definitely necessary to learn in order to do it well.
That’s what we’re talking about here. Not just flirting, but doing it well.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!
Comment by zeet
| November 13th, 2008
I do agree with a lot of what you say, show interest but not jump all over her. But, Ah! In this situation how is that done? I thought about it. And I didn’t jump on it either. The day we were working in the class room together, there was a moment when we were by ourselves, but I did not want to be hasty. I waited till what I felt was a better oppurtunity.
Sadly, I wish it had been in person, or perhapse I should have asked her for a late morning coffe on the day we both had off. But I also feel my mistake with women has always been, not acting. And not being up front with my intentions. I always seem to make girl “friends”. Not girlfriends.
So, I felt, ask her in a way that recognizes the sensitivity of the circumstance, but lets her know I am interested.
I don’t think harm was done, maybe slightly to my chances with her, but 6 months is a long time to wait. I will act like a gentlemen from here on, and let her know I am interested later if the same circumstances are there.
I am far from an expert on this, and will always listen to advice. Thank you for yours.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 13th, 2008
Zeet ~ I do agree that asking her in email was very thoughtful, as it made it easy for her to answer honestly. And I can sit over here and respect that. She doesn’t know this side of it over here where you are struggling to understand and not overstep boundaries. If she did have a little more insight into where you are coming from, no doubt she would be warmed by it.
The trick is figuring out how to come across as interested and not overzealous. And if we had a broadbrush answer to that, we’d be millionaires, eh? ;)
Six months is indeed a long time to “wait.” But you wouldn’t be waiting. I would still pursue her but much more carefully. The harm that was done was only in that you must hold back and tread more lightly now. In other words, whatever headway was made is gone. That doesn’t mean it’s not able to be recovered. To continue with the dance analogy ~ you have stepped on her toes. It doesn’t mean she won’t ever dance with you again, it just means it will take more on your part to convince her that you’re not just another dancer who wants to hold her close. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!
Comment by Zeet
| May 7th, 2009
Update:
I have been laying low. Our emails have been much less, and only to discuss my daughter. I saw her last night at the school conference, I stopped to say hello to her and realized that I am still very attracted to this woman. Not a knockout by any means, not the best looking girl I have dated, but she has something that just does it for me.
I had emailed her the other day discussing my daughter changing schools. My son is in the challenge program which is being held at a different school next year, and I want my daughter to be in the same school as him. I learned of a program being offered there called the explorer program that I thought might be great for my daughter. I asked my daughters teacher if she would recommend her for the program in the email.
She walked with me out of the auditorium after the concert and to the parking lot across the street. It was raining and we had no umbrella. As we walked our talk was only of the program and my daughter. At one point she got to close to the curb and almost slipped off and I put my hand around her waist to catch her. “I didn’t want you to fall ”
she looked at me and said thank you.
she said she would talk with me more about it and we said goodbye and have a good day and went to our separate cars.
I don’t know if she has any interest in me, but I can’t wait till school is over so I can try asking her out again :)
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| May 7th, 2009
Well, clearly ~ it’s been six months. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Amazing Grace