The ‘Fun Parent’ in Divorce
Imagine, like one of my readers, your kids are with you for the weekend. They want to hang out with friends, but you ask them to do their chores first. One vacuums and dusts, the other swiffers and mops, they both tidy up their rooms and make their beds. (For some reason, you the parent always gets stuck cleaning the kitchen and bathroom.)
Work done, they are free to spend their time as they like. Or are they?
Perhaps your ex calls to say the kids have chores to do at their house, as well. Chores that simply cannot wait another week – like cleaning a pet’s cage, or putting away clothes that have been on the couch since the previous weekend.
Um, how come the kids didn’t do chores at the ex’s house when they were with the ex?
Turns out, there were too many fun activities going on. Catching a movie, heading to the skateboard park, baking cookies with friends, going to a concert.
If you let your kid head over to clean that pet’s cage, what lesson are they going to learn?
- That time with one parent isn’t valued?
- That it’s okay to let chores slip because you can always steal time away from the other home?
- That one parent is the taskmaster, and the other is the fun parent?
Imagine trying to teach your kids self-discipline and responsibility balanced with having fun, only to have an ex undermine that message.
Is there a Fun Parent in every divorce? Or do some co-parents actually respect each other’s time with the kids?
- You-Know-What-us Interruptus
- Co-Parenting – How To Deal With an Ex
- Auto Insurance is Double for Teens of Divorced Single Parents
- There’s an Order to a Single Parent’s Relationship Universe
- When a Divorced Parent Wants to Move Away
- A Holiday Custody Schedule That Sucks
- Since When Are Dads Not Important?
- Spoon – My Place Or Yours?
- Relationship Test – Who Picked the Wedding Cake?
- Tit for Tat Coparenting
- Jon and Kate Divorce – What the Future May Hold
- Great Books for Relationship and Divorce Advice
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Comment by debra
| November 12th, 2008
Wow…asking the kids to come over to do their chores, interfering with their time with their other parent…that is so disrespectful. If the other parent can’t manage to get the children to complete their chores during their time with them, I’d say that parent better plan to clean the pet cage while the kids are enjoying their time with their other parent.
I’ve worried about the fun parent thing too….I’m the parent 90% of the time, so, of course, my son’s time with his Dad is precious, and vacation-like most weekends there. But, with as little time as they get to spend together, I think it should be. Don’t get me wrong, they still manage to complete homework, make it to sports practice, eat well and get to bed at a reasonable hour, but they don’t have the weekly time together to establish the routine of chores.
Comment by Jim H.
| November 12th, 2008
I’m the fun parent, and proud of it. I get my kids 50% of the time. I don’t really care what they have to do when they’re with her – and I know she makes them do chores. When they’re with me, we’re going to do things my way. The FUN way. And that means cookies, video games, watching TV, going to the skate park, doing sports, going to the movies, staying up late (when appropriate), eating out…
…but that said, check this out: When I’m doing chores, they come and help me because they WANT to. Not always. But often. I’m trying to ‘lead by example’, and you know, it’s working!
We are living in the moment 100% of the time. Keeping an eye on the future, but living in the moment!
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 12th, 2008
I’d recommend not second guessing what is going on over at the other parent’s house. Just do what you need to do at yours.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!
Comment by QTMama
| November 12th, 2008
That clown freaks me out.
QTMama´s last blog post..What a Jerk!
Comment by Laura
| November 12th, 2008
There is definately a FUN parent in our situation and it aint me!
My son tells me after a weekend with dad how boring I am!
Its cool though – they get their chores done!
Laura´s last blog post..Facing my Fears
Comment by Phil
| November 12th, 2008
When I take the kids out to a movie or play, if there are no friends involved, I’ll invite their mother along with us. She’s invited me on some of their trips too – including vacations. We don’t always accept, but I think it’s best for everyone this way.
I agree, that clown is very disturbing.
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| November 12th, 2008
Is cleaning the bathroom really important to having a happy childhood? I hope not!
My kids are with me most of the time, but they don’t do many chores at my house. Of course, neither do I–I employ a cleaning service. (Don’t hate on me! I work more than full time and I also take care of the yard/shovel snow and do everything else around our house.)
My kids still have lots of daily responsibilities–2 hrs of homework every afternoon, keeping their toys and rooms tidy, picking up their clothes, making their beds, and the daily care of their gerbil. They also like to help me cook, garden, and run errands.
I don’t think that my kids have to do any chores at my ex’s house either, except perhaps feeding their dogs. But they’re only there every other weekend, sometimes less.
Re yr question– I’d say it’s obvious that the “chore” time needs to be factored into how you spend your parenting time with your kid(s), not taken away from the other parent’s time.
PS Yikes, a clown!
Comment by T
| November 12th, 2008
I’d be pretty ticked if what you’re describing happened to me. I would say that they can do their chores when they’re with the ex… not on my time.
I learned from you that I could be fun too. (though I haven’t been lately) Still they do a TON more chores at my house. And now they’re even volunteering to clean the bathrooms and help cook too. So, it ain’t bad at all.
At their dad’s house, they just play and watch TV. Hmmm…
I have to agree with QT Mama (dear lord she cracks me up).
The clown is kinda freaky.
And thanks for the link love!
T´s last blog post..Relapse
Comment by Exception
| November 12th, 2008
It is hard to balance being the fun parent and being the structured parent. I am both which, I think, is hard for both the Diva and me. I give her comfort, I am playful, and yet I am the enforcer as well. Keeping the role straight is difficult.
And when she is with her dad, it is all fun.
Each parent has the right to parent in their own way. I suppose the objective is to find that balance, accept that the situations are different, and respect one another’s time and household rules.
Respect for one another’s time with the kids is key!
Exception´s last blog post..Sundays
Comment by dadshouse
| November 12th, 2008
Mad Cartoonist – my brothers and I had to clean out bathroom when we were kids. I don’t force it on my kids, but they do sometimes volunteer to do it. I pay per chore, and that’s the chore that pays the most!
As for why we do our own cleaning – I used to employ a housecleaner, but she subcontracted to some workers who didn’t do as good a job, and I fired her. My kids then said they’d help clean if I paid them. I wrote about the experience back when I started this blog, my first blog post ever!
I fired my cleaning lady
Comment by Vinomom
| November 12th, 2008
I think that is VERY disrespectful, and since Mom didn’t enforce the cleaning of the pet cage that resides at HER home, then she’ll just need to do it herself.
Fun Parenting – I am not the Fun Parent. I am ok with that. I’m not around to be my daughter’s friend. I don’t know if you would call her Dad the Fun Parent either. He’s more of the Lazy Parent. They watch a lot of TV when they are together.
Hmmm…maybe I need to rethink this. Does there HAVE to be a Fun Parent?
I did play Mancala with her last Friday :)
Vinomom´s last blog post..Exercise Might Really Kill You
Comment by Graham
| November 12th, 2008
I am determined to be the fun parent! My kids will soon be living in two different homes and I’ll be damned if they have more fun with their mother. It’s (mostly) her fault we are in this mess. She’s to concerned with herself anyway to care how the kids feel. Mostly just turns on the TV while she does her thing. I will put all my energy in to making sure my kids have the best life possible.
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| November 12th, 2008
Dads, LOL! Great post on firing yr cleaning lady!
I’ve done that (firing)….at least 3 times. And each time only after I underwent paroxysms of liberal class guilt (is it wrong to expect them to actually clean stuff? Does this make me an evil capitalist?) combined with real need (OMG, I really need to clean the bathroom but I really need some sleep too, help!).
After a couple years without, I recently hired 2 women who come with refs from a friend. I hope they work out! I like the extra time to spend focusing on my kids, and dating has become a lot more feasible too.
Comment by Jim H.
| November 12th, 2008
You go, Graham. I’m in a similar situation. I’ve been divorced for 6 mo. and separated for a year and a half. My boys love being with me, and complain about the situation at her house. My boys are starting to understand that in Mom’s world, Mom comes first.
By the way, a parent who insists the children come BACK to do some chore, or sends the chore with them to the other parent’s house – I would just laugh at that and say “No way. this is my time with them – not yours.”
Comment by SDMktg
| November 12th, 2008
I’d say my situation is pretty balanced. My kids say they are in timeout a lot at their mom’s house but there are more power struggles going on there. I need to be firmer about getting them to clean up but they do all of their homework at my place and I’m actively involved in their school. We also talk a lot about values and behavior.
For the most part we try to provide consistent parenting between the two homes but we are very different people with different values so the kids are learning different things from each of us. Their mom knows I’d never give up my time with them for something that was only important to her and not to them.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Need your vote! Our own "Sweet G" makes it to the Tostitos Tailgate Finals
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 12th, 2008
That’s what I meant. What Jim H. said. :)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!
Comment by Ms. Cheevious
| November 12th, 2008
I’ve been both… And it’s all about boundaries. You want to join forces with your ex in raising your kids, so when the ex says the kids didn’t do their chores, and should come home to do them while with you – I would just say, “I agree they need to do them, when it isn’t our time together. Sorry.” It’s that simple. But not all “ex” relationships work that way.
Ms. Cheevious´s last blog post..Friends with Benefits
Comment by Paunchiness
| November 12th, 2008
Thats a rough situation to be in man. I think that you can be fun and strict at the same time and your children will respect you more for it. Of course this may take several years for them to figure out but I promise you that to much fun is never good and will get back to the other side and make you look bad.
Paunchiness´s last blog post..Fish Oil – Weight Loss & Depression Benefits
Comment by Eathan
| November 12th, 2008
I am the fun parent.. but I can say that for no reason unless there’s a death, sickness, school event, sporting event, or holiday travel will they interrupt a visit for chores. That seems a little too much. Being the parent also means using your time wisely. It doesn’t matter if you’re the fun parent or not.
Eathan´s last blog post..Vodka Soaked Tampons
Comment by krn
| November 12th, 2008
I’m the less fun parent of the two of us, but I am also fun. I’m also the consistent one and now that our son is old enough to appreciate the good things that come along with that, I’m very pleased with things as they are. I’m also the full custody parent who has our son all but several weeks out of the year.
Your frustration is understood and here’s a gentle *hug* for that. I wouldn’t have been so cooperative with the ex’s request to have the kids come home to do chores. But, I admire your ability to be flexible, houseDad.
Comment by justrun
| November 12th, 2008
You mean having kids doesn’t mean someone else will clean the bathroom? Dang, there goes ALL my plans.
justrun´s last blog post..Just Say Thanks
Comment by mama
| November 12th, 2008
1. Sorry to read about the spamming.
2. I read your post today to a friend who, in her marriage, is going through the same thing. Good parent-bad parent. I go through it, too. I think it is very common even in the best of circumstances; I remember my father was never the one to throw all the contents of my bedroom out into the hall for me to clean up as did my mother to get me to clean my room.
I am trying to learn to be creative with my chore list and make it as much fun as possible, but it fries my burgers when He gets to go have fun with the kids on his time with them, going out to eat and taking them on fun outings… and I always have to have them completing tasks, with “100% fun time” at a minimum when with Mama Llama.
However, I notice that the kids come to me to talk, they respect me as I trust them with responsibilities and they are learning slowly that Life isn’t all Legos and Lincoln Logs–they must be put away as well.
Be well, Dads.
mama´s last blog post..good intentions
Comment by Zeet
| November 12th, 2008
Wow, she actually asked for them to do their chores at her place on your time? That is ridiculous. If she can’t manage their time when she has them it should not take away from the time you have with them. Very unfair.
Comment by stradasphere
| November 14th, 2008
HAHA! I am the fun parent!! But I do try and make doing chores fun…but my ex isn’t my ex yet! But they still call me the FUN DAD…I can live with that!
stradasphere´s last blog post..O-BAMA! O-BAMA!
Comment by MariaAK
| November 14th, 2008
Fun Parent? um, in different ways…
Dad: TV, Xbox, things that are loud and suck lots of gas (snomachines, 4wheelers, chainsaws, etc…we live in AK)
Mom: I’ll take them to the Nutcracker soon, we’ll ski, we ride bikes play cards, cook, and have dinner with friends.
Each parent gets to parent on their own time. We have different ideas, of course, and that MIGHT be a factor of our Divorce! The tricky part is when activities overlap into each other’s time…Scouts, sports, practices, etc. One parent may have signed up the kid for soccer and the other parent thinks “unstructured” time is better for the kids. Is it ok, then, to request the parent to take the kid to soccer during their time? (And can you get upset if they don’t?) I think you can request the other parent to do a few things on their time (NOT chores, however) but you can’t get mad if they don’t – ESPECIALLY if it isn’t bothering the kid at all and the kid is happy either way.
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| November 14th, 2008
I am right there with Jim H and Cathouse Teri – No way should be interrupting your time with them, especially when you have so little time with them in the first place. If they do your chores on your time at your house, the same applies for her time and her house. It seems only logical, right?
NewWrldYankee´s last blog post..You Can Make Your Move to Europe – Part III How to Study Abroad