Not All Men Are Monsters
Dad’s House is venturing into a sensitive topic today: sexual abuse. A blogger at the New Jersey Moms Blog wrote a piece titled The Sexual Abuse of a Liar. In it, she tells a painful story of childhood sexual abuse by a step-brother. I admire the author’s courage for sharing about the horrors she endured.
The victim is now a mom in her thirties with a young daughter. She has decided to make a hard and fast rule that her daughter is not allowed to play in any home where the only adult present is male. She writes:
These monsters are everywhere and they come in all shapes and sizes. They are doctors, brothers, lawyers, policemen and to me the worst of all–fathers. They are parents of your child’s friends and sometimes even teachers. They look like everyone else!
My heart goes out to this woman for the pain she suffered. I’ve met several women who were victims of childhood sexual abuse, and they had deep psychological scars to overcome, and emotional healing to do. I completely understand her not wanting to put a child in danger.
But as a single dad, this approach saddens me deeply.
In my nine years of being divorced, I can’t recall any parent preventing their child from playing with my kids at my house. We’ve even had sleepovers here. Perhaps the parents trust me because they know me as a good man. But also, I practice the same sort of Youth Protection taught by the Boy Scouts and other organizations.
Namely, other children are never alone with me. There is always someone else present, usually my kids.
I don’t take any of it personally. In fact, I’ve taught my kids not to be alone with another adult, whether a teacher, coach, neighbor, uncle, father, mother. But I won’t tell my kids they need to distrust all men. While monsters can be anywhere, they aren’t everywhere.
I understand that every person has fears, and that no one has walked in anyone else’s shoes. At the same time, I feel intense sadness and compassion for any child who wouldn’t be allowed to play at their best friend’s house, simply because the mom is not home, or the friend is raised by a single dad.
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Comment by lisaq
| November 18th, 2008
Nicely said. A child so overprotected isn’t necessarily better off. In fact, it may have a negative effect. How sad.
lisaq´s last blog post..Why Have Sex?
Comment by SingleParentDad
| November 18th, 2008
How very true. While what people go through and suffer at the hands of men is truely awful, I’m uncomfortable with the general assumption that it is just men that need to be feared. That very assumption makes it much easier for female predictors to go undetected. And abuse need not be as horrific as this case.
It would sadden me that a parent would not send a child unaccompanied to ours just because I’m a single dad. But at the same time, I know that if someone did that, I would not get along with them anyway.
SingleParentDad´s last blog post..How Much Kid?!
Comment by Single Mom Seeking
| November 18th, 2008
Dad’s House, thank you for taking on this really tough topic.
I know quite a few single mothers who follow this woman’s stance: they, too, were sexually abused and their fears now, as mothers, are overwhelming.
Fortunately, the few moms I do know are working damn hard to separate their own fears… from their parenting. They are learning to see that they’re projecting their pasts onto their children’s present-day lives. Really intense work.
This is a really intense, emotional issue. Thanks for having the courage to bring this up.
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog post..Contest: If you could throw a holiday party and invite the man/woman of your dreams…
Comment by T
| November 18th, 2008
Wow, D, this is quite the post today.
I too have a few mom friends who were sexually abused as children. From my understanding, they don’t seem to project their fears on to all men. Thankfully! One of them, in fact, has created her own yoga recovery program for addicts and has taught yoga to many sexual addicts – including those accused of child molesting! She seems to understand it and have compassion for these people on a level that many don’t understand. Perhaps its healing for her as well?
Thank you for the advice about teaching your children not to be alone with another adult that they don’t know. I don’t know why this hadn’t occurred to me before. Really great advice for me with my two little girlies.
Thanks!
T´s last blog post..Spirituality behind the sex
Comment by Exception
| November 18th, 2008
have friends who do not permit sleep overs due to these concerns – either at their house or their children to go to another house. I have not gone this far. My daughter does sleep overs and goes over to friend’s houses. We don’t know any single dads really so that has yet to be an issue. I have not talked to her about never being alone with an adult, but from the experiences of friends, I am not sure that it makes a difference. Predators are predators.
It is scary. I work to teach my daughter so many things and yet am not really sure how to teach her about protecting herself from a trusted adult.
Even sadder is the light punishment that these predators receive. Things need to change. My heart goes out to the woman and others who have experienced such abuse. (And older male siblings can be guilty as well)
Exception´s last blog post..Morning Contemplation
Comment by Lunamom
| November 18th, 2008
i’m a mother of a 7 yo girl, i’ve never been sexually abused, but my husband being a psycologist i’ve seen a lot of really sad cases, and you can’t tell who is the abuser until it happens, and it’s almost always someone you and the kid trust. For that reason i don’t allow sleep overs, and I rarely ever let her go play at friends houses. This way i’m not eliminating the posibility that it happens, but i’m certainly reducing it. I know it is not “healthy” to be over protecting, i know i’m doing wrong, but i’d rather see her going to therapy for being overprotected as a child, than for being sexually abused as a child!
Comment by goin-crazy
| November 18th, 2008
As a single mother of a son and a daughter, I never assumed anyone would “touch” my kids or abuse them. I was never sexually abused. But I still taught them about good touch and bad touch, right and wrong. I still gave them the tools.
Now, I am single mother of a son and daughter that were physically and sexually abused…by their own father.
I appreciate your stance that “not all men are monsters” and I understand where you are coming from. I understand (because I dislike being grouped in with others) that you do not want to be viewed as a predator because you are a single male.
From a different perspective, just know that it is far easier for you to say that not all men are monsters then it is for me to say the same thing.
But I will and I have to, just so my kids don’t think all men are monsters. So I don’t judge every person I meet and wonder if they are capable of the same thing. It is not an easy road to travel but one that I will keep traveling, for my sake and for my kids’ sake.
goin-crazy´s last blog post..Codependency
Comment by The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma
| November 18th, 2008
Wow, that’s sad. I hope she gets some help. You can’t go through life living like that.
The Girl You Don’t Bring Home to Momma´s last blog post..And the Day Just Got Sadder
Comment by Laura
| November 18th, 2008
Gosh I cant imagine feeling that fear! Shame man!!!
But you said it well! We cant pass our issues onto our kids – its an unfair burden to them!!
At some point you have to trust in your ability to raise them and then hope from their they are ok!
Laura´s last blog post..BRAG BRAG BRAG
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 18th, 2008
The fact is that while not all men are monsters, it is important to remember that they certainly are all capable of being monsters. (As we see in the story of Goin-Crazy ~ an all too common story.)
I was not sexually molested as a child. But I’ve known many people who were. My children were never sexually molested (although the jury really is still out on that ~ as it ever will be) but I have certainly known many who were.
As a rule, I would probably not ever allow my child to spend the night at a home where there is only a father and no mother present.
I don’t really give a shit whose feelings that hurts. I’d much rather be safe than sorry in this case.
Having said all of that, I also do not generally live based on my fears. Neither do I want my children to learn to live based on my (or their) fears.
How do we protect our children without projecting our fears (reasonable or un) unto them?
THAT, my friends, is the major and very hard question here.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..As You Wish
Comment by Dan
| November 18th, 2008
My brother and I were both sexually abused, and i won’t let my daughter go on any sleepovers, and I too have trust issues with trusting anyone with my daughter, i have gotten better.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 18th, 2008
*note
This is not unlike the struggle we have in teaching our children not to talk to strangers. We want them to see all people as prospective dangers. Because all people are. But we don’t want them to fear all people. How do we accomplish this?
Hellifiknow.
Some well thought out input is definitely in order here.
And a new slogan.
Protecting Our Dears!
versus
Projecting Our Fears!
:)
(I’m still shopping for that projector, btw, David.)
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..As You Wish
Comment by dadshouse
| November 18th, 2008
Teri – even if all the kids are in a room together, and no one is ever alone with the adult, you wouldn’t allow a sleepover? I assume you also ban camping trips with boy scouts, or groups like that? Seems extreme to me. Is your no sleepover rule based on a real world test – i.e. you knew a single dad and wouldn’t let your kids sleepover – or is it just conjecture? I know your kids are grown now.
I guess my point is, families of my kids’ friends have had no problem letting their children stay at my house. Okay – one time a mom called to make sure I don’t have a gun in the house (I don’t), and also to make sure I didn’t have a girlfriend sleeping over – she was fine with me being a single dad, but didn’t want me to model behavior of adults sleeping together out of wedlock. I totally respected that. She allowed her son to sleepover. Another family in our neighborhood won’t let their son stay at my ex-wife’s house since she has a boyfriend who sleeps over, but they are fine with him staying at my house since I’m not currently in a relationship. Everyone is different.
btw – I have met men who, as boys, were physically abused by adult females they were supposed to have felt safe with and trusted. While it’s more common for the abuser to be male, it does happen with women. Women can be monsters, too.
I’d rather teach my kids what is appopriate behavior and conversation, and what are warning or danger signs to look out for.
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| November 18th, 2008
I was never abused…but I’m still very conservative about who/where my kids get to hang out.
Would I let my kids attend a sleepover at a single dad’s house? No. Not unless I knew him very, very, very well. And probably not even then.
Comment by Honey
| November 18th, 2008
I read online that 25% of sexual predators are female, and that the percentage is probably skewed due to under-reporting. So I think you need to find ways for your kids to be safe and to feel comfortable reporting something like that rather than limiting what activities they take part in.
Honey´s last blog post..Public Service Announcement: Porn
Comment by Lunamom
| November 18th, 2008
DH: This a real first hand story: A friend of mine’s kid was abused (”touched”) repeatedly in a room where she was sleeping with other 6 kids. All of them were. Kids pretended they were sleeping while it happened to the other kid. Once one of them told her mother, the other kids told the same story to theirs.
I don’t care whose feelings get hurt by me not letting my daughter go play or sleep at anyone’s house.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 18th, 2008
David, first off ~ MANY boys have been abused at boy scout type group events. And church camp. Safety in numbers is one thing, but there is ALWAYS opportunity for a child to be taken aside without the other children noticing.
I could go on and on and on and on about the situations where adults thought their children were safe when they were not. Again, the same thing goes for the stranger-danger idea. Balance is very much in order. There is no need to respond to any of those facts by saying no to everything. I just feel that a very easy way to alleviate much of the danger is to disallow situations where it is more likely.
You are wisely suggesting teaching your children what are the warning signs. And to feel okay telling you absolutely anything that has happened to them. Very important tools.
I also realize that there are abusive women. It is just very much less likely. Not to mention the fact that I know a LOT of people who were sexually abused. Only one of the stories involves a woman. And even in that case, the woman was their mother, which makes that case even more rare.
Basically, I feel that parents should not be naive about the reality of how commonplace sexual molestation is. And that it almost always happens with a person who is meant to be trusted. That person is almost always a man and the children are almost always in situations that are seemingly harmless.
There is no catch-all answer. People have to do what they think they should do to protect their children. Our job is to not be offended when someone says they have placed restrictions on where they want their children to be. And not to judge them for it because we think we know what is best for their children.
If a parent says they don’t want their child at your house because you are a single dad, the only honest and empathetic response is, “I understand and respect that.”
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..As You Wish
Comment by Ms. Cheevious
| November 18th, 2008
Sometimes hard and fast rules are the only way to cope and feel safe. I understand your sadness, but it’s also a great way to use this harsh reality as a teaching tool. If it ever comes up that your kid(s) suffer because someone can’t have a play date at your house, explain to them with the better side of discretion how there are some awful things that happen out there, and that even though you are a good person, not everyone is… that you just have to learn to respect other people’s boundaries, and find other ways for your child to get together with those kids. At least that is how I would choose to handle it.
Ms. Cheevious´s last blog post..Pillaging, Plundering Pirates… Oh My!
Comment by dadshouse
| November 18th, 2008
Cathouse Teri – well said! I agree with everything you wrote. And I’d add one line. If they said they don’t want their kids at my house, I’d say I respect that, and I don’t want my kids at their house. No worries.
Lunamom – this isn’t about hurt feelings. For me it’s about not living in a community so filled with fear that kids can’t play together. Like I said with Teri, I respect that you wouldn’t allow your kids at my house, and I wouldn’t allow mine at yours.
Comment by dadshouse
| November 18th, 2008
btw – I’m curious if anyone can produce statistics on where abuse is more likely to take place. Church? School? After school sports? Camping trip? Single dads house? Married dads house? Moms house?
It would be really interesting to see actual data. So much more informative than conjecture.
Comment by SDMktg
| November 18th, 2008
I think it is very sad that we live in a society where this is such a huge concern. When I volunteered at my kids’ school they have to run a background check and establish different “safety” levels for the volunteers. All new parent volunteers are supposed to never be left alone with children, which is for safety but if you were volunteering and the teacher left for any reason suddenly everyone is breaking the rules.
I don’t particularly want my kids to have sleepovers at my house because I just don’t want to have to think about what other people think. There is so much distrust out there I’d just rather not be subject to it. Physical contact of any kind with anyone else’s kids scares the hell out of me because I don’t want to be accused of anything. Many of the posts on this board only confirm that more to me.
SDMktg´s last blog post..Vote Early and Often
Comment by justrun
| November 18th, 2008
This is a situation somewhat close to me. I have to agree with you– all men should not have to pay because some are bad. I’m not a parent, but I think there are other ways. I like to think if I had a child I’d try to help them know that, and teach them how to tell the difference. The scary thing is, in the situations close to me, women were culprits, too. In one case, there was female abuser and in the other, the wife not only chose to stay with her molester husband, but there was evidence that she knew what was going on all along. So ruling out men is not the answer, in my opinion.
It’s so very sad, and I commend any parent that reaches far and wide to protect their child.
justrun´s last blog post..Possibly, Maybe, Might Fail… Or Not
Comment by GG
| November 18th, 2008
This is SUCH a hard decision. As a person who tends to give people the benefit of the doubt, I would probably not worry. But as a mother to a beautiful five year-old, no way is my son sleeping over at a single dad’s house right now. Maybe when he is older and more educated. But I think, unless I knew the Dad super-well, I would be so worried. This is a hard call.
GG´s last blog post..Orgasm Therapy
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 18th, 2008
David ~ You can look up TONS of statistics. I will email you some very interesting study material. But this is almost like asking me to provide information about the validity of different versions of the Bible. Just like anything, there are too many views. And people argue among themselves about the reality of statistic measures. I spent a good part of the afternoon talking with a friend of mine who works in the legal profession and previously worked for with an agency that focused specifically on exploited and missing children. Page after page of statistics on many things, but as mentioned, many instances are not reported and even among those reported, not all are arrested or convicted. And even among those, the question of what exactly constitutes sexual molestation is up in the air.
So you could find statistical background to back up what you are saying. I could find plenty to back up what I am saying, but in the end, this is a casual blog… much like a living room. It’s not like we are all trying to present some exhaustive theories on the likelihood of molestations.
This is just people talking about how they feel about protecting children. There is much conjecture. Some of it based on experience. Some of it just based on gut feelings. In the end, we all settle with what we are comfortable with.
It is important to be careful that we are keeping the children’s interests in mind, and not our own. And making sure that we are not punishing them for the fears and/or actions of their parents.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..As You Wish
Comment by dadshouse
| November 18th, 2008
I just think it’s extremely poor form to call out single dads.
I read in the paper about priests molesting children, and teachers, and coaches, and boyfriends of single moms, and older step-brothers, etc.
I never read about single dads molesting kids.
I’m sure someone can bring up an article – I’m just saying, I don’t understand why so many moms commenting here are specifically naming single dads as monsters to avoid.
Like JustRun says – a married dad could be molesting kids, and the mom might know about it and look away to protect him.
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 18th, 2008
Poor form? I’ll be sure and let those moms know they won’t be earning the social award of the year.
Indeed, I wouldn’t let a child spend the night with a priest, a teacher, a coach or the boyfriend of a single mom, either.
And I am sure there are plenty of men in those categories who would be affronted by the very idea that someone might suspect them, based on their sex and position.
But my question is… why be affronted? What’s the big deal? Why not work around it respectfully? It’s not like anyone is actually accusing you of anything.
Just because you don’t understand someone’s fears, doesn’t mean you must hold them against them.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..As You Wish
Comment by dadshouse
| November 18th, 2008
Teri – I understand the fears. I think it’s unhealthy to pass them on to children and project the monster image onto all men, or only onto single dads.
How am I not being respectful here? I’m voicing my opinion, just like those moms voiced theirs. And you’re right, no one is accusing me of anything, or should they. But they are lumping me as a single man, or as a man period, undeservedly.
Also – it’s not just sleepovers. The original blog posting mom said she wouldn’t let her daughter even play with her best friend if the only adult there was a man.
Comment by Angel Cuala
| November 19th, 2008
I have a 12-year old daughter, and keep telling her that not all men are monsters. But anyone can be, including me. While it is true that some of them are, I think it is unfair to generalize them.
The thing is, we must use our parent instincts that anyone can possibly be evil…not only men. That is why I also do my best to avoid any such incident. If my daughter (even my wife) will have no choice but to sleep on others house, they are aware of what might happen.
I suppose we cannot really avoid evil, but being prepared and alert can help a lot.
Thanks for sharing this post.
Angel Cuala´s last blog post..A Parent Call: Hungry US Children are increasing
Comment by pajama momma
| November 19th, 2008
Having been a victim of sexual abuse from a neighbor, I feel I developed a heightened sense of awareness about people. Men AND women.
There’s a certain gut instinct one develops if you just pay attention to it.
We have a general no stay the night policy, no matter what sex the parent. I used to get in waaaay too much trouble in my youth when I stayed over at friends homes and we did things my parents would never have approved of. I just can’t trust that other parents share my values.
Granted there are exceptions like long time friends and relatives, ha, there’s even some relatives I’d never let my kids stay the night at, let alone visit.
We don’t let kids play here when it’s just hubby because we’re too afraid to be accused of anything. Just not worth it.
Yes it’s sad and it’s not right, but it’s the way things are.
Comment by ilinap
| November 19th, 2008
I found by way of the comment you left on Dirt & Noise about gender roles. First of all, thanks for being such a great dad. I too was raised by a single dad at a time when no one from divorced families lived with their dad (30 years ago). I was 10 when my folks split, and no parents ever questioned letting their kids to my house for sleepovers or anything else. Maybe times have changed. Maybe parents are more fearful and open of their own past. Maybe we all err on the side of caution when it comes to our kids. Maybe we just don’t have the same network of friends and neighbors we used to have. The funny is that all the statutory rape cases we hear about in the media involve female teachers and male students. That coupled with the recent plot on Desperate Housewives scares the crap out of me since I have 2 boys. Anyway, I applaud you being a single dad out there. My brother and I turned out pretty damn great if I may say so myself, and we owe it all to our dad.
Comment by goin-crazy
| November 19th, 2008
I am jumping in here late because I wanted to read all the comments first.
I am not calling out men in general. When I taught my kids the difference in good touch and bad touch, it was not gender specific. I told them that no one could touch them like that. My daycare is provided by a woman. I wanted to know if anyone touched them in a way that was uncomfortable. I am one of the fortunate ones who found out what was going on because my kids told me.
If it had been a woman who touched them, my stance would be exactly the same. I think men are being called out because your post was in defense of men and you are a man. If you were a woman writing this post, my comment would have been the same.
For me, the most important thing is the kids. Their dad does not have to carry this pain for the rest of his life, you do not have to carry it, none of these other men that are not monsters have to carry it. My 4 year, my 3 year and me…that is who is carrying it.
If I refuse to let my kids go places because I have a gut instinct about it, they will not go, regardless of whose feelings get hurt.
If the tables were turned and it was your son or daughter that was touched by a man or woman, I think your stance would change a little.
We all measure based on our own personal experiences. That is how life works. I am not going to argue you with you because you prefer Nike over Adidas. I would assume that you have a factual, personal basis for your opinion. The same with any differing opinion.
Some of us are able to put our pain and fear aside so we can do what’s best for the kids, some never received help and carry it with them, some are too fearful…no one is wrong. We just handle it differently.
P.S. The kids’ dad would qualify under the single dad status.
goin-crazy´s last blog post..Codependency-Part 2
Comment by dadshouse
| November 19th, 2008
My heart goes out to all victims of abuse, and I personally know several people who suffered abuse when they were children. And it’s partly because I know these people and see all they’ve had to deal with that my stance is what it is. Many of these friends mistrust members of the opposite sex. Some have been able to work past their fears and are finally, and happily, in healthy relationships again. Others have not. You do what’s right for you. Everyone is different.
If someone said “a black/asian/jewish/arab/hispanic/white person did something bad to me, so I won’t let my kids near any black/asian/jewish/arab/hispanic/white people ever again”, that would be an extreme reaction, I think. This is essentially the message some moms are sending about men – whether the man is a single dad or a married dad, they don’t trust men and they won’t allow their kids near men. I wonder what then happens if the kids encounter men in school, sports, band, scouts, church, etc.? They aren’t allowed to participate?
I understand some people have experienced horrible things that will take a long time to heal from, and some of those individuals will never be able to trust again. My heart goes out to those people.
Comment by Exception
| November 19th, 2008
I am raising a beautiful daughter – a daughter who dances. As a dancer, her body is on display. As a dancer, she is touched by men who she trusts.
My goal, as a parent, is to teach her to use her instincts, to listen to her inner voice, to say “no” and to seek help from others. I have not known abuse myself but have known children who have been abused by men that they trusted. They took action; they fought back.
In such cases, generalization damages more than it helps. There is not a single answer – a solution that applies to every situation. Do our laws need to change, yes!! For me and my daughter education is key, instincts are key, and remembering that we have a voice and a means of taking actions. I refuse to allow fear to be a motivating point. I think about her ballet and her rock climbing, (male dominated), and know that at some point trust has to come in to play. At some point I have to trust my instincts and allow her to trust hers.
BUT each situation is singular in nature. Perhaps the point of this conversation is not to generalize and blame every member of a gender or parental status, but to take each situation on its own.
Exception´s last blog post..Learning to Fly
Comment by Solo-Dad
| November 19th, 2008
I’m a single dad with a 12 year-old. My son has had sleepovers with up to three boys with me being the only adult in the house. Apparently I did something right as all three have come back for solo sleepovers.
While I think every parent must evaluate the risks of any situation where their child will spend time (especially over night), I think it’s unfair to characterize a single dad as a ‘monstrous’ risk simply because of his marital status.
Could the Prop 8 folks will be coming after us next?
Solo-Dad´s last blog post..Ending My Suffering Over Little Elvis’ Study Habits
Comment by carnal
| November 20th, 2008
It’s sad to see the cycle of abuse continue. I hope she gets help so she won’t raise a child with badly warped understandings of relationships.
Comment by james
| December 3rd, 2008
I am a 31 year old single dad. I was sexually abused by my older sister when I was 8 years old. I don’t know why she did it, I’ve often wondered if someone else did it to her first. It only happened one time.
It’s not only men that do this.
I don’t have all the answers but personally I believe that it’s better to teach our children what to do if this situation happens, than to teach them to fear every stranger they meet, or every man. Personally I think when you fear, it makes you an even bigger target. I don’t know how to explain that but I try to teach my children to be brave and fight if they get caught in a situation
Comment by Jackie
| December 4th, 2008
I work at a place where children are interviewed everyday by investigators and also work with foster children who have been abused, so I see this everyday, but not all fathers are abusers my own father was the best father anyone could wish for and my mother was also the best. So I have to say that you shouldn’t characterize father as abusers, they all aren’t, there is alot of mothers that are doing far worse by putting there children in harms way by exposing these children to those kind of people. All I would like to say is watch your children carefully they are so innocent and loving, they love their parents no matter what they do to them, so protect them and keep them safe.
Comment by oshea12566
| January 28th, 2010
“They are doctors, brothers, lawyers, policemen and to me the worst of all–fathers”
I guess I am this woman’s worse nightmare. I am a police officer and worst of all a father. Gasp! Ignore the fact I helped a missing 6 year old child find her parents in Times Square, nevermind I arrest motorists that drive with their child on their laps instead of a car seat, oh and don’t forget spent 6 months 12 hours a day no days off recovering bodies from Liberty Street and West Street(Ground Zero). I am a brother, a step brother, an uncle, and a father of a daughter. So happy she labeled me a Monster. Awesome.
Going through horrible ordeal is not an excuse for being stereotypical. Sorry in this monster’s opinion, it is not. If you get robbed by an Asian, will you keep your kids and yourself away from all Asians? Will you never have Chinese food again?
oshea12566´s last blog ..Bowling!