Single Mom, Empty Nest
A single mom friend of mine sent her son off to college this year, and she is now living alone for the first time in her life. The empty nest has her going a little bonkers.
I can sort of relate. As a single dad with half-time custody, I spend half my time without the kids.
She has friends (like me) to meet up for drinks or coffee or the occasional dinner party. But most of the time now, she’s totally alone. How does she cope? Especially during the holidays…
• Volunteering – she makes sure she’s involved in some community program outside of work. This lets her rub shoulders with a great group of people who are giving their time, just because they want to.
• Holiday Decorating – she loves getting her place all dressed up for the holiday season, buying new ornaments and wrapping paper, and putting up lights. Even if she’s the only one there, it feels like home.
• Visiting relatives – she has family just two hours away, and goes to visit them fairly often. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ended up moving back near them, at some point. (Once my kids are off to college, I might just move to Manhattan.)
• Hanging out with friends – I know I already mentioned that, but it’s super important for single parents who don’t have built-in adult companionship at home. And it’s even more important once the kids are off to college (or for younger kids, away at camp, or with the ex, or visiting relatives on their own)
• Lots of drugs – just kidding.
If you’re single and find yourself alone for the some part of the holidays, take a tip from my friend who is an empty nest single parent, and surround yourself with people.
And if they’re single and female, and at my life stage, give me a call…
- Single Parent, Empty House, Full Life
- Kids Are on Vacation, and I’m a Lone Wolf
- Single Parent Movie Date
- Can Dating Single Parents Be Vulnerable?
- My First Post-Divorce Girlfriend
- Divorce Didn’t Make Me a Homebody – So What Did?
- Single Parents Success Secrets
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Comment by Exception
| November 21st, 2008
Send your number!! ;)
Exception´s last blog post..If You Can’t Say Something Nice…
Comment by Exception
| November 21st, 2008
People are good, love is good, keeping busy is good. I might also suggest doing something you love doing; something that you have always wanted to do or never had the chance to do. Sometimes people can make the aloneness that much more pronounced. If we find something we want to do or love doing, it is easy to have a great time while not realizing that we aren’t coupled up or without our kids or whatever!!
And seriously, I fly to Arizona each year and each year am surrounded by people and… stress!! Each year I consider that trip to Iceland instead (and yes, I said Iceland) to avoid the stress. I don’t but were I to find myself without my kid or totally on my own… Iceland, here I come!
Exception´s last blog post..If You Can’t Say Something Nice…
Comment by lisaq
| November 21st, 2008
When I sent my youngest off to college, I damn near lost my mind! There are still days when it’s really tough. The hardest thing for me is meal time. I abhor eating alone. Ugh!
Keeping busy is definitely the only way to stay somewhat sane…then again that whole drug suggestion is looking pretty good too. :D
lisaq´s last blog post..Why Have Sex?
Comment by Solo-Dad
| November 21st, 2008
It’s kind of like the Roadrunner cartoon where the Coyote runs off a cliff and stays suspended in mid-air until he recognizes it, then he plummets.
It’s a metaphor for being so wrapped up in one thing/activity/habit that we suddenly find ourselves in mid-air and then feel as if we’re plummeting.
When I graduated from college and grad school and suddenly didn’t have to study, I felt it. When my adult kids were small and they visited every-other-weekend, I felt it intensely for the 11 day interval. These days I sometimes feel it after a business trip and find myself at home on the weekend if Little Elvis is visiting his Mom.
The become immune to the momentum that carries us off the cliff.
Having an empty nest is hard to prepare for, but we can adopt new habits and activities prior to the scheduled departure of our little birds so the impact isn’t so hard. After the fact, it’s definitely tougher.
Solo-Dad´s last blog post..Ending My Suffering Over Little Elvis’ Study Habits
Comment by mama llama
| November 21st, 2008
When my father died and my mother was left widowed at 55, the idea of surrounding herself with people became so addicting that, although necessary to do, she found that she could not bear to be alone at all. She became dependent upon having others take her mind off her losses-her children no longer around and no husband to begin retirement with-and still often complains, 9 years later, that she has “nothing to do” when I can actually get ahold of her on the phone between her many social appointments. Point being, learning to be comfortable with oneself and one’s talents is important–a development of ’self’ independent of others–and will make others want to be with you.
That is not to say that there won’t be difficult times. Key is to make them the exception to the rule, I suppose.
Missed you yesterday, Dads. Have a great weekend–
Be well.
mama llama´s last blog post..Back to Izzy…
Comment by debra
| November 21st, 2008
The Exception makes an interesting point…’sometimes people can make the aloneness that much more pronounced’. I have to agree….I find it much sadder to discover that I feel alone in a house full of people, than to be in my house alone, feeling the same way. Maybe just a sign I need to pay attention to, that at those time, ‘me time’ is more soothing for my mood.
Comment by Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)
| November 21st, 2008
Great blog and I like these comments… understanding the different perspectives. I don’t have a completely empty nest… but every other weekend and 4 weeks out of the summer I have an empty nest. It is during those times I do indulge in me-time, friends’ company, and working on house projects pending. A balance of all of this seems to work, at least for me.
Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)´s last blog post..Single Moms and Dating a McDreamy
Comment by T
| November 21st, 2008
I am loving the comments to this post too!!
I agree that there should be a balance between family and friends and alone time. I think it is very important for any person, single, single parent, empty-nester, or married with a house full of kids…. to enjoy their own company.
When I was married, once a year or so I would take a vacation on my own. I would go to the coast or somewhere I had never been before. My husband understood and didn’t mind though he despises being alone. I don’t know. It was always good for me to just be.
I still do that. This past weekend that I didn’t have the kids, I just sat in my house and read a book. And it was GLORIOUS!!
Yes, indeed. Balance is good.
T´s last blog post..Love. In spite of.
Comment by saciesmadness
| November 21st, 2008
Last year we had Thanksgiving of divorcees….our family took in any stray that didn’t have another family dinner to attend. It actually was pretty nice…even though their circumstances weren’t ideal, they had a place to go and food in their bellies…and I quite enjoyed the new company.
saciesmadness´s last blog post..Chef, I am not.
Comment by Vinomom
| November 21st, 2008
I am seldom without my daughter, but if I know she is otherwise engaged, I go crazy trying to make plans immediately. I cannot stand the thought of doing nothing, when I finally have a chance to go do whatever I want!
That said, making hasty plans like that backfires on me at times, or I make multiple plans w/ different people, and I’ve gotten in trouble for that too. I wish I was able to just go home as usual, relax, and enjoy my evening, without feel obligated to go out when my daughter has plans.
Vinomom´s last blog post..The Party to End All Parties
Comment by Becky
| November 21st, 2008
Does there happen to be a blog group for single empty nesters?
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| November 21st, 2008
Yup, this is hard! Enduring the Christmas holidays without my kids is the hardest for me.
I try plan to take at least some time off work anyway. It’s too depressing to try to work straight through the holidays, and I can’t get anything done anyway because no one else’s there.
Also, like you say, I like to give myself free reign to go nuts with decorating (fun!). Then to justify my excess, I invite my entire department over for cocktails and appetizers some night. Everyone likes a party (including me!)
Something I’ve tried is booking a few days vacation at a ski resort just for myself. Going somewhere keeps me from brooding over not seeing my kids for two whole weeks, fends off “pity” invitations (I have plans!). Also I can ski super hard all day and indulge in the resort’s spa in the evenings, which are impossible to do with small children.
Was vacationing by myself lonely? I can’t say! Because even though I scheduled the vacation just for myself, I ended up bringing along a man I’d just started dating…! He was really shocked when I asked him because we’d only been on like 4 dates, but he also was at loose ends over the holidays and he liked skiing so he said yes. It was a fun way to get to know each other better, and we ended up dating for a year after that.
This year, I’m dating someone who doesn’t ski, but oh well, I expect the holidays will be fun for other reasons!
Comment by Single Mom in New England
| November 21st, 2008
Thanks for the laugh! I think the holidays are emotionally draining for everyone, whether you’re single or married. I don’t know why it does SEEM harder to be alone during the holidays though — and seeing couples cozied up together everywhere you turn can be a little grating — thanks for the good tips to make it through the holidays!! My drug of choice will be red cabernet this holiday season! Cheers!
Comment by dadshouse
| November 21st, 2008
Mad Cartoonist – inviting someone on a ski vacation after just a few dates. Wow, you are my kind of woman! I do crazy stuff like that all the time, more on the weekend getaway level, but similar nonetheless. It’s great! We’re all adults. We’ve all loved and lost. At some point you put reality ahead of fantasy, and just go with the flow.
Comment by Wendy
| November 21st, 2008
I was reading along, shaking my head in agreement, and then I came to this:
“just kidding.”
Ugh…there goes my plans for the long weekend! I will be home alone and the loneliness is deafening at times like this.
(And of course I was just kidding about the drugs too.)
Wendy´s last blog post..I must be getting "better"
Comment by Angel Cuala
| November 21st, 2008
Nice list. I believe that being single again should not be a reason to be lonely. There are many important things to do, as long as you think about them.
And I am glad you’re kidding. Others do it seriously, and even commit suicide. Emptiness can kill too.
Thanks!
Angel Cuala´s last blog post..The Latest Online Suicide Victim and How to Stop the Others
Comment by catscratch
| November 22nd, 2008
I always enjoy my friends! They are the spice of life!
catscratch´s last blog post..Slutty, Skanky & Into S & M
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| November 23rd, 2008
I agree – your friends make your life worthwhile. I know I am not an empty nester, but I am in a similar situation, bc any family is continents away – either in the US or India – not close by any means. So my friends have become my family. I and don’t know what I would do without them.
That reminds me, when ur kids go off to college and u’re in Manhattan…try to come to Europe, too! ;)
Comment by April
| November 23rd, 2008
Being a single mom with my kids full-time, what keeps me going is the thought of an empty nest. And being all alone.
April´s last blog post..Random Thursday