A Holiday Custody Schedule That Sucks
My ex and I have a great child custody schedule for most of year. When school is in session, we each take two weekdays and alternate weekends. Summers we get the kids a month at a time. But come Thanksgiving through New Years, our holiday custody schedule truly sucks.
Basically, we alternate the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays each year. One year I’ll have my kids for Thanksgiving, but not Christmas. The following year I’ll have them for Christmas, but not Thanksgiving. New Years is a crap shoot – the kids don’t really party on New Years Eve, so whichever of us doesn’t have plans takes them.
Why don’t we share time on each holiday? Because I have no family here. For me to see my parents and siblings, I have to travel hundreds of miles. (Or thousands, to see my brother who lives on the east coast) With traveling like that, it’s impossible to share half of a holiday with my ex. When it’s my turn with the kids, I up and get out of town. And when they’re not with me, I’m pretty much on my own, (Full-time single parenting has its merits.)
For the record, my extended family has come to my house for one Christmas. But as a single parent and a man, I’m not the best at lobbying with my mom and sisters-in-law for the rights to decorate for the holidays and make a fancy meal. A shame, really, since I’m sort of a kick-ass cook. (Except when I burn stuff.) But I don’t read Martha Stewart, so I’m not motivated to fight for the right to create the latest taffeta eggshell soufflé (or whatever Martha makes when she’s not in the klink.)
As a result of our custody schedule, on holidays that I don’t have the kids I have no idea where I’ll end up. I’ve done some holidays with my parents and siblings, and some with married friends and their families, but the empty space created by my kids not being there is hard for me to take. I’ve done a few holidays with other singles, but usually only knew the host and ended up feeling a bit out of place. On more than one holiday I’ve simply hopped on my Bianchi road bike and pedaled the day away. (While everyone else put on holiday pounds, I kept my abs lean.)
If my parents and siblings lived close by, I think I’d prefer a custody schedule where the kids spend part of the day with mom and part with dad. After all, holidays are all about family, and family in my case is my kids and me.
Can someone pass the taffeta eggshell soufflé?
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- Single Mom, Empty Nest
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Comment by lisaq
| November 24th, 2008
It can definitely be difficult. I was lucky enough that everyone lived close enough that we could share the holiday. I can’t even imagine spending holidays without my girls. I’ll be thinking of you.
lisaq´s last blog post..Pornography and Relationships
Comment by Jim H.
| November 24th, 2008
I just decided Thanksgiving was my favorite between the two, so I made my ex a deal: I get Thanksgiving and the day after, she gets Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My family has more tradition associated with Thanksgiving than Christmas.
But I have to say, last Christmas was the first one without my kids, and dang, it was tough. Maybe this one won’t be as bad. I used Christmas Day to wrap my kids’ presents.
Comment by Jim H.
| November 24th, 2008
…oh yeah, I also get New Year’s Eve and Day. So maybe I get the better end of the deal!
Comment by Susan
| November 24th, 2008
Holidays with no family nearby — and no kids — can be tough. My Ex is SO not a holiday guy (or special day kind of guy to boot), so he willingly lets me have the kids on Thanksgiving and Christmas. (He celebrates Christmas with them on Christmas Eve instead.) I wonder — is it a possibility to change your arrangement, even after all these years, so you can spend either Christmas Eve, or part of Turkey day or part of Christmas with your kids? It may mean less (or no) traveling to see YOUR folks on the specific holiday, but might be easier.
Regardless, know you’re not alone. I’ll be thinking of you, too.
Comment by mama llama
| November 24th, 2008
I understand about extended family, as you well know–we just have decided to do our traveling in the summer, since the last attempt ended with all of us sick in a hotel room with the flu at Christmas since my mom didn’t want us sick at her house–THAT was fun.
That doesn’t mean I don’t still catch hell for living so far away. But that is extended family–and she could come out (1 ticket vs. 3…). The plan to share the day between the two parents is great, as long as one isn’t planning to travel out for the holiday. I am having to share much more than I want to, including space, this year, but I will suck it up and drink enough so as not to care. With 10 kids around, my children will have fun regardless–and that’s more important to me than my comfort zone being invaded.
Be well, Dads.
mama llama´s last blog post..In Thanksgiving
Comment by T
| November 24th, 2008
The ex and I both have family here. THANKFULLY. We’ll be sharing the holidays… its a lot of driving around and arranging schedules but the kids enjoy seeing all their grandparents and cousins and other family.
Still, a day of biking sounds nice too.
Mom and I started a tradition of doing the annual Turkey Trot 5K on Thanksgiving morning. After running 3 miles, we go home and CHOW!!
You could always volunteer to serve the homeless or something on your holiday alone. I know that many people have nothing on the holidays so you could always share your time or love.
Just a thought. ((hugs))
T´s last blog post..Allowing
Comment by Holly Hoffman
| November 24th, 2008
I don’t have kids, but I did my first single+no family holiday season last year, and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I woke up on Christmas morning & there was no drama, no schedule, no anxiety, nothing. I slept in, made coffee and sat on my porch enjoying the feeling of hot coffee and cool air. I told myself to enjoy it because I may never be there again.
Except I’m there again this year. ::sigh:: I wonder how long I can keep up that charade? ;) j/k
Seriously, I think the best thing about spending the holidays alone is the ability to make anything *we* want instead of figuring out how to please a bunch of other people.
I hope you have a great Christmas.
Holly Hoffman´s last blog post..Doing the Spiritual Dishes
Comment by Treemama
| November 24th, 2008
We have no formal custody arrangement yet. He has not even mentioned Thanksgiving. Before we spend Christmas morning at home and the evening with his family, so I suppose the girls will go there in the evening.
I am SO VERY LUCKY, or not (kidding) to have my entire family close by.
Do have to admit these first holidays alone are freaking me out a little, but am determined to make them the best for the girls wherever they are.
So, let me ask this, if you don’t give a crap to show up to see your kids on a regular basis should you be entitled to the holidays? Sounds petty I know, but…
Treemama´s last blog post..Weekend Update & Monday Mraz to Get You Moving
Comment by dadshouse
| November 24th, 2008
TreeMama – not sure how to answer that one. I know a lot about joint custody in that I’ve experienced it for 9 years, and can say what has worked for us and what hasn’t. I’m less versed about situations where one parent isn’t involved.
In general, my feeling is that parents are parents, and we don’t “earn” time with our kids. It’s a joy to be around children, taking care of them, loving them. If an ex chooses to only be involved at holiday time, at least they are choosing to be involved. You probably shouldn’t let them disrupt your plans, i.e. they could see the kids the day before or after. But I also think they shouldn’t be totally denied, unless there is some danger involved.
Comment by April
| November 24th, 2008
As hard as it can be to be a full-time single mom, I do appreciate having carte blanche for the holidays. Sometimes the girls see their father’s family for Thanksgiving, but this year, we’re going to Disneyland.
April´s last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| November 24th, 2008
Unfortunately, the kids almost always get caught in the middle of the tug-of-war between moms and dads during the holidays. They are rarely asked what they want to do, and even then, their desires are rarely accommodated. They finally just look at their parents and say, “I don’t care.”
I find that the powerlessness that kids feel in the divorce situation is the most negative element. To me, whatever we can do to relieve that stress is what family and true sacrifice is all about.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..Those Were The Days, My Friend ~
Comment by Graham
| November 24th, 2008
This is my first year having to spend Thanksgiving away from my kids. Luckily I do have family to spend it with but still I don’t see myself enjoying it whatsoever.
Comment by PT-LawMom
| November 24th, 2008
Ugh, it is all so sad. I actually blogged about Thanksgiving, but more about the hole my ex will leave in our family gatherings: http://ptlawmom.com/2008/11/23/thanksgiving/
Since my ex is living on his 18 wheeler, he won’t have my son for Thanksgiving and it’s unlikely he will have him for Christmas. We have a custody agreement but I can’t remember who gets him when on holidays. Ugh, I am soooo not looking forward to the year when I don’t have Pumpkinhead with me. :(
PT-LawMom´s last blog post..My Life in LOLCATS
Comment by SoloDad
| November 24th, 2008
In my first life as a Solo-Dad (some 20 years ago now), I had a very rigid visitation schedule. It seemed I was always left out of the allocated days around holidays because of my work schedule. My Ex didn’t have to work after she remarried and even though we lived in the same town, I rarely was able to get my share of days. My kids from that marriage are now in their 20’s. Ironically, I see them more now than I ever did in their respective childhoods. :)
With Ex #2, we split holidays each year but remain flexible around equal time. I’m the custodial parent this time around and I can’t bring myself to be rigid around visitation. Even though she’s allocated 1st and 3rd weekends, we simply adopted an every-other weekend and a mid-week sleepover. She also keeps our son when I have to travel on business. Thus far, 5 years later, it’s still working.
A lot of Solo-Dads dread the holidays; I know I did. A recent post for Dad’s (and Mom’s) about how to spend Thanksgiving Solo-style: http://solo-dad.com/5-ways-to-have-a-great-solo-thanksgiving
SoloDad´s last blog post..A Solo-Dad’s 6-Word Memoir
Comment by SDMktg
| November 24th, 2008
Holidays can be tough. My schedule is a lot like David’s with shared custody so I see them a lot on a regular basis. Thanksgiving without my kids is really hard. One year I went to a friend’s house and that was interesting because all of the family drama was not my own. It was kind of like being in a sitcom rather than just watching it. Last year I had dinner with my family and that was tough. My brother and sister both have kids. My mom even has a portrait wall with my brother and sisters’ wedding photos and a bad picture of me by myself. This year I’m getting her one of me and the kids to replace it. We split time with the kids on Christmas and I’m either waiting for them to come or watching them leave too early. I try hard to make the most of the weeks leading up to the holidays because that is what they seem to remember more than the day itself. That’s the real chance to establish traditions.
SDMktg´s last blog post..All Summer Long – Warewolves of London
Comment by saciesmadness
| November 24th, 2008
so hard, i am sure. I hope you have a great holiday regardless!
saciesmadness´s last blog post..while the hunter’s away
Comment by Dad-4-half
| November 24th, 2008
I understand your pain.
With a 50/50 arrangement it only get’s hairy around the holidays. Our usual week on/off is typically shared with us having Thanksgiving weekend for a trip to cabin cooking the bird on Friday after mom has Thanksgiving day. However, this year mom is on a 4 week travel binge with only Thanksgiving day/weekend home so I forfeited my trip to the cabin for some much needed 6 year old mom-time.
With plenty of activities and some volunteering over the weekend I will keep busy but the emptiness at the dinner table is tough to stomach. Why can’t everyday just feel like Thanksgiving???
Comment by Exception
| November 24th, 2008
I like the last statement of the comment above – why can’t every day be Thanksgiving. Sometimes I wonder if we are so hung up on the celebration of the specific day that we miss out on the thought behind the celebration? I know that it is the time off and time shared that help make a difference… but is it possible to let go of the tie to the “date” and start traditions with our kids or celebrations that help them and us adjust to the new schedule and new way of life?
My daughter does Christmas with her dad whenever due to our travel schedule. Our situation is very different but the thought is the same – spending special time together.
Exception´s last blog post..My Diva Just Ran Her First 5K (Yea Diva) and This is Not About That!
Comment by Jane
| November 24th, 2008
I almost wish I had this problem. My ex is such an ass-hat we have NO schedule and he randomly decides he’ll take them for a night or 2 at most and I might get a call to say I must collect them early because he ‘can’t cope with them’ :(
He mostly takes them when I call to say I am going out so would he like to see his kids, else I am getting a babysitter. Of course then I get all the fall out and crap about where am I going and who am I seeing etc. It’s a frikken nightmare.
I am so sad for my kids that their dad is such a giant failure.
You on the other hand sound like a great dad. Well done.
Jane´s last blog post..I thought I was bulletproof…
Comment by justrun
| November 24th, 2008
That would be very tough, I’m sure.
You can come to my Thanksgiving. But, that is on the East Coast which would negate your travel issue anyway.
justrun´s last blog post..Fingers and Toes Still Thawing
Comment by Leah
| November 24th, 2008
I can only imagine how the holidays must suck without your kids and family. But I bet you’ll find a way this year to make them not suck as much.
Perhaps you can do something incredibly cool that you’ve never done – travel somewhere new or bike somewhere quiet and beautiful to write. Solitude can be painful but it breeds some amazing creative work sometimes! Good luck dh.
Leah´s last blog post..Fragile
Comment by dadshouse
| November 24th, 2008
Dad-4-half – that is incredibly nice and selfless of you to sacrifice your cabin trip so your kid can have mom time. Well done!
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| November 25th, 2008
Oh, I commiserate! Holidays alone & without your kids just suck.
If you don’t want to travel, are there friends/acquaintances/students that may similarly be at loose ends that you could invite over & cook for? Almost everyone likes to eat, and these people might actually be happier if you don’t have up all the trappings of a traditional family-oriented holiday–either because they’re missing it themselves or maybe they’re Muslim or something like that.
I’ve done it before for international students who often don’t go home for the holidays because it’s too expensive. It does make me feel like everyone’s old Mom to host such a party, but it’s really fun. And bonus! They almost always bring some food to share from their own tradition.
Comment by Me Thinks
| November 25th, 2008
Late to the game here but I have to chime in on Treemama’s comments and anyone else who is frustrated by a “loose” visitation schedule. Two things I learned that are critical to making it work:
1. If you are the custodial parent, you are not obligated to give in to visitation requests that are anything outside of the specific document agreed to in your divorce decree. i.e., Dad gets the kids on Friday at 6pm and returns on Sunday at 6pm does not mean he can just take them for 4 hours on a Saturday during that window. Either he abides by the agreement or you CHOOSE to allow something alternative.
2. On the flip side: even if the other parent spends only 5 minutes a week with the kids, that 5 minutes is just as valuable to your kid as the other 6 days, 23 hours and 55 minutes you spent. You don’t get extra credit for doing all the hard work. That is a rough one to take but true (although your kids may change their opinions when they get older).
Add up the two above and you at least have what it takes to negotiate something reasonable. When I first got divorced, my ex was the “4 hours on a Saturday” guy. Over time, we have an arrangement similar to DM’s but its more like 30/60% and I would agree to 50/50 if he wanted (even though I’d miss my kids it would be good for them). Patience and negotiating skills are probably the two most important things as a divorced parent.
Now with holidays, usually I share since his family is here but it I wanted to take the kids out of town, I’d negotiate alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas and try to do something on my own. The only real problem now is that my ex won’t take vacation days to spend with the kids so if he wants them on a holiday, he expects I take them back on the next workday, that means I really can’t do ANYTHING, ugh.
But we’ll work through that one day too – maybe when they hit 18 but it’ll happen!
Comment by Hip_M0M
| November 25th, 2008
David,
I totally know how you’re feeling. My son will spend Thanksgiving morning with his dad and then I’ll pick him up for dinner.
This year, both my parents and my ex’s mom and sister will be in town and will want to spend Christmas day with their grandson. We’ll have to figure out (aka argue about) where he will be when he wakes up Christmas morning.
For me, it’s lonely without my son on holidays, but I have to think about his needs and the fact that he’ll be spending time with those who love him, which is truly a blessing. He’ll have the time of his life, no matter where he is so as parents, I hate to say this, but we’ve gotta just suck it up and deal.
Now, New Year’s Eve is another story altogether. My parents have already volunteered to stay with my son and it’s going to be the first time – in years – that I’ll have the opportunity to celebrate with adults! Woo-hoo – watch out!
Hip_M0M´s last blog post..The Magic of Macy’s
Comment by jess
| November 25th, 2008
Two Christmases ago I was sans children, and I headed out Christmas morning to drive from my beach to the mountains- to the refuge of a friend’s mom’s house. There I refueled (uh, I meant emotionally, but I also ate an awful lot!), hiked, wrote, laughed and listened to her grandma’s stories of growing up in New York City 85+ years ago. It was the perfect holy season respite.
Last year my kids were with me in the morning, then joined their dad’s family in the afternoon and stayed a few days after with him. I hopped in the car at 1pm Christmas day (highly recommend it- no one is on the road!) and headed back for two days of clear mountain air and the wonderful company of women. My wish for you would be that you find something like this for yourself. :)
jess´s last blog post..The crux of it (aka She Nailed My Emotion)
Comment by Cheery-Wise
| November 25th, 2008
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, hands down.
I love to celebrate with lots of people. Family sometimes, but always friends and friends-of-friends. Sometimes I host a big dinner, just as often we’re at a friend’s place. I can’t remember the last time there weren’t stragglers around the table.
The first year we separated, my kids and I were the orphans at a colleagues’ home. It was a merciful, and lovely last minute invite. There were 25 people around the picnic tables in their backyard – 3 stragglers were thankfully welcomed.
I’m fortunate that my ex isn’t keen on Thanksgiving. He’s Canadian and our November holiday never really made a difference to him, so he always yields to letting the kids be with me, since he knows how much it means to me.
The problem is Christmas: 3 out of the last 4 years he has taken them to Toronto to be with his extended family. Like David, practically speaking, its a long week of ‘alone time’ to deal with. Not just the morning, and the day.. but all the time around the Christmas break.
The first time it happened, I was dreading the day… why bother to decorate, if no one will be home on Christmas morning? First time in 22 years I would be childless, no Santa cookies half eaten, no stockings to open (which I stuffed, granted). I couldn’t figure out what I was going to do with myself.
But I determined right off the bat, I wasn’t going to let the kids know I was anticipating melancholy at their departure. So I put on a happy face, encouraging them to enjoy their holiday with their grandfather.
In fact, I pretended so effectively, that I actually had a wonderful holiday weekend: I spontaneously accepted an invite to spend two nights in a fantastic hotel suite, complete with hot tub, breakfast, overpriced dinner in the only place open on Christmas, evening strolls, and a visit to the historic movie theatre downtown to see It’s A Wonderful Life.
No feeling sorry for myself, I truly enjoyed my time sans kids. I had an indulgent, very adult romantic weekend. A blessing in many ways, with a struggling single dad who was ecstatic at finding a companion for the holiday.
Oh yeah, I vote for #5 on solo dad’s blog (above). Find yourself some good company for the holidays if you don’t have your kids.
Comment by MindyMom
| December 1st, 2008
Well I hope your Turkey Day was a good one regardless of the schedule.
Luckily my ex and I have a great holiday arrangement; his family’s high holiday has always been Thanksgiving so he gets the kids then every year while I always get Christmas through the 28th when they go to his place. The kids love having “two Christmas’” so everyone is happy.
I can’t imagine having Christmas without my kids but at least you have extended family and friends as alternatives.
MindyMom´s last blog post..Keeping the Peace is Overrated