Hearts and Starry Nights
Over Thanksgiving Manhattan cocktails, my brother told a story from my daughter’s early childhood. Seems we were eating at Fish Market in Palo Alto, a restaurant where kids are given a handful of crayons to draw pictures, play hangman, and generally amuse themselves while dinner cooks.
The cool thing about this restaurant – rather than a children’s menu with pre-drawn art that needs to be colored in, the tables are covered with blank butcher paper. Your budding Michelangelo or Frida Kahlo can free-style draw to their heart’s content.
My daughter being my daughter took some favorite colors – blue, red, pink, purple – and started drawing her favorite shape du jour, the heart. Big hearts, little hearts, medium hearts, solid hearts, striped hearts, polka-dot hearts, hearts surrounding hearts, and every kind of heart in between.
My brother being my brother took some of the less popular colors – mauve, seafoam green, puce, oatmeal – and started creating a scene of hayfields under a starry night that would make Van Gogh proud.
Whether my daughter thought my brother’s picture needed more color, or she was simply jealous of the landscape taking shape, she reached over with her favorite color crayons and scribbled all over his art.
Whether my brother thought my daughter needed some discipline, or he was simply seeking revenge, he reached over with his less popular colors and scribbled on her hearts, right back!
“Please don’t do that,” I said to my brother. “I’m not saying what my daughter did was right. But we’re trying to teach her not to retaliate. We don’t condone tit-for-tat.”
To say my brother was taken aback by my comment is an understatement. Livid was more like it.
And how did I react when I heard this story at Thanksgiving?
A smile, a chuckle, and firm knowledge that somehow my daughter turned out all right.
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Comment by Angel Cuala
| December 2nd, 2008
I think what you did was right. Sometimes, it is us adults who are acting like a child. Kids are kids, and we must always be a good example to them.
If we want to correct their mistakes, correct them the right way. After all, all of us make mistakes.
Angel Cuala´s last blog post..Loving a long lost Child
Comment by Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)
| December 2nd, 2008
I don’t know; perhaps your brother was just letting her know how it feels to have someone color on your work… Sometimes they (children) have to be made aware of how their actions affect others… I mean there wasn’t any violence involved or enraged emotions (until you got involved, lol) but again perhaps not… just another viewpoint to consider.
Katherine (SOLO dot MOM)´s last blog post..Single Moms and Dating a McDreamy
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| December 2nd, 2008
I think you did the right thing.
It wasn’t your brothers’ place to “teach” your daughter anything–that’s your un-alloyed prerogative. And your bro showed extreme immaturity by getting annoyed–he should get a grip.
However, I do think you should have corrected your daughter yourself immediately, letting her know that her behavior was not acceptable and explaining why. Did you do that? You don’t say anything about that in your post.
Because it was a teachable moment, you know? If she scribbled all over another kids’ picture, would you tolerate it? Why should it be different if it’s an adult’s picture?
Empathy and manners are learned/taught traits. Unless she’s less than 2 years old, she should be able to appreciate that it’s not OK to destroy others’ things. I would have been all over my kid if they did that.
I strongly feel that it’s basically teaching them manners and the ability to function in our society. Rude kids too often grow up into rude adults.
Comment by Jim H.
| December 2nd, 2008
Your brother was teaching her that there are consequences for our actions. And the fact that it came from another adult, and not you, made it better.
Comment by T
| December 2nd, 2008
I am certainly not going to say anybody did anything wrong. We all do what we think is best at the time… your daughter, your brother and yourself. And see? She turned out just fine. :)
I love Frida Kahlo, Michelangelo and Van Gogh. Absolutely 3 of my favorite artists.
(Now I’ll be singing Vincent by Don McLean all day…)
T´s last blog post..Pickles and Ice Cream
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| December 2nd, 2008
You don’t mention how old your daughter was, nor even the spirit in which she colored over his picture. However, if this were my child and I saw her doing this, I would have stopped her from doing it even before brother felt a need to step in.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..The Land of Oz
Comment by The Girl You Don't Bring Home to Momma
| December 2nd, 2008
I’m sorry, but am I the only one that giggled over this. The fact that your brother was livid that she scribbled on his picture was too funny. Kids will be kids….adults however – you never know what your gonna get.
Comment by dadshouse
| December 2nd, 2008
See now, that’s the funny thing. This happened about a year after my divorce, so my daughter was seven or eight. I didn’t see her scribble on his picture, but still – we were going through a phase where my brother and dad felt it was their God-given right and duty to discipline my kids because they felt I was too lax. My comment was more a reaction to my brother than to my daughter.
I was raising two kids solo (half-time), feeling somewhat beleguered, and I felt that in general, my disciplinary tactics were working just fine. I had happy healthy kids! They weren’t perfect, but whose kid is? I was doing my best. It wasn’t in my nature to get all over my kids for anything. I had my own style, and still do. And my kids are fine.
Anyway, I truly resented the occasions when my brother and dad would butt in and try to parent my kids for me. Every time they did it was like a slap in the face to me.
So me making that comment to my brother in this particular instance was mainly about me retaliating against him, getting him back! Immature of me? Absolutely! Do I care? No…
btw – this post was meant to be funny, but I think it’s funny that the choices made nearly a decade ago by me and my brother are being so thoroughly scrutinized. Hey, it’s a blog! (big smile)
Comment by Laura
| December 2nd, 2008
Oh lol – I can so see my brother doing this! He would probably put on his Johnny Bravo voice while doing it or something!!!
I do get why you commented like that – my dad and my daughter have this tit-for-tat r/ship going on. I have tried and tried to get them both to stop but its unique to them so we all just leave it now!
Laura´s last blog post..My Son
Comment by Cathouse Teri
| December 2nd, 2008
I do not at all agree with people who think it’s their job to parent my children. And it definitely would have pissed me off if I didn’t see my daughter commit this “crime” and then have brother proceed with his oh-so-grownup way of disciplining her. But your daughter was quite old enough to know better than to scribble on someone’s picture. Especially her uncle’s. This would have made this a very awkward situation. But as you said, you were already oversensitive to the overbearing attitude of your brother, so you probably reacted to that the most.
But what was his point in bringing this up as a Thanksgiving anecdote? To sort of give you a renewed jab about being a “bad parent?”
Those of us “scrutinizing” the story are just evaluating it without having the emotional baggage that comes along with it. We’re trying to give you an objective way to see it.
But here’s the thing about our kids. We all do our best to train them on a moment-by-moment, day-to-day basis. We have our own struggles to deal with, and the last thing we need is someone riding up next to us saying they would do a better job.
Sure, kids turn out okay. I have a friend who got very upset with me when our kids were little because my son had just gotten a new toy. She insisted that he share it with her son. I told him that he did not have to share it. It was his new toy to enjoy. I asked her, “When you get a new car, do you let everyone drive it????” She said I was going to raise a bunch of self-centered kids. She, on the other hand, gave her children everything and continued to “make” people share with them. A few years ago she repeated this story to me (I had forgotten it entirely) and told me how sure she was that she was right at the time. “But now,” she said, “my kids have grown up to be extremely selfish and your kids are the most generous people in the world.”
In summary, I would have prefered to read a story about how your brother figured out he was wrong in his assessment of that scenario of so long ago, while acknowledging that your daughter has grown to be an admirable young woman.
Cathouse Teri´s last blog post..The Land of Oz
Comment by loriann
| December 2nd, 2008
Great post David,
I was feeling all warm and fuzzy at the start. I LOVE to color. There’s nothing like color therapy for me. I’m looking at my box of 64 Crayola crayons right now! Blank butcher paper, at a restaurant, is my favorite.
As for the ending, I’m one that believes it takes a village to raise a child. That your daughter got a little taste of her own medicine from her uncle is a good thing. No two people play by the same rules in life ~ expectations are different all the time. It’s good for kids to understand and learn to navigate what’s acceptable outside their own home. Just my two cents ~ now I need to get out and flirt :-)
Comment by Exception
| December 2nd, 2008
What a great story!! How would you have responded were the same incident to happen today?
Sometimes I wonder how and whether my daughter will survive me and my parenting!! (It is always nice to know that our kids do survive us!)
Exception´s last blog post..Nutcracker
Comment by dadshouse
| December 2nd, 2008
Teri, I love your comments. This one had me smiling and nodding along. I can’t imagine getting a new car, then “sharing” it with everyone, letting everyone drive it.
I agree my daughter shouldn’t have scribbled on my brother’s picture. Who knows why she did it – jealousy? Unprocessed emotions? Flirting with her uncle?
Why did my brother re-tell this story at Thanksgiving? I have no idea! His kids are 2 1/2, and they were there. My kids played with them, essentially babysitting (for free, for fun) the entire weekend. There were some skirmishes between his twins over silly things, but overall they were well behaved. And there was no parental kabitzing. Something triggered his memory, though!
Loriann – I agree it takes a village. If I see a kid litter, I’ll ask him to pick it up and throw it away. But I tend not to parent other kids if their own parents are around. I have broken that rule on occasion – like when I threw a BBQ, and some kid was banging the crap out of a tree in my backyard with a baseball bat, while his parents sipped wine and mingled. I took the bat away.
Comment by SDMktg
| December 2nd, 2008
I have to agree with the comments regarding the “mature” way to handle things as well as respecting other people’s parenting. There are times when I feel it necessary to speak up. My niece (2) threw a footstool at my daughter (7) and I was the only one in the room at the time so I told her very firmly not to. My sister would have disciplined her herself but she was in the other room and I needed to make sure things didn’t escalate. Another time my ex girlfriend’s son told me to “shut up” and she didn’t say anything. I told him not to talk to me like that. I have my own boundaries regardless of what anyone else thinks is ok for their children. If it doesn’t involve me or someone’s safety I try to stay out of it though.
I do think it’s kind of a funny story. I could see my brother coloring on my kids’ drawing if they did that to him. He’d be laughing as he did it though.
SDMktg´s last blog post..BBQ Song – Southern BBQ Edition
Comment by Mad Cartoonist
| December 2nd, 2008
I only disciplined someone else’s kid once….it was in front of his parents, too. Very bad situation, I knew I shouldn’t have, but I just couldn’t stand it any more!
I’d just spent a week sharing a cabin with my 8 year old twins, and a couple and their 8 year old son. Their kid was really a handful, very out of control, verbally and physically abusive to his parents and everyone (my kids got scared of him), impossibly badly-behaved in restaurants (throwing food, screaming, etc) but I managed not to say anything until we got back to my house, where they were going to stay for another week before heading home.
I was making dinner for everyone the night we got back, and I asked him what he wanted to eat, listing all the kid-friendly choices we had, and I told him that I’d make him whatever he liked. He looked at me, and with his parents looking on, said “f*ck you”!
His parents started making some excuse (oh, he’s so tired! or something like that) but I interrupted them and spoke directly to the kid—telling him firmly (& maybe a little too loudly?) that we didn’t talk that way in my house, that he wasn’t a baby who could get away with that behavior, that I sure wouldn’t make him any dinner if he talked to me like that, but that if he acted like an 8 year old and asked nicely I would make him dinner then.
He threw a tantrum and dashed into the basement followed by his parents who were kind of shocked at me, I think. His parents eventually emerged and we ate dinner. Finally the kid came upstairs and asked for some of what my kids were eating. I pretended nothing had happened and gave it to him, he ate it, and that was that (his parents were amazed: he’s actually eating food! He isn’t throwing it! How did you do it!). He continued to cuss at his parents during the rest of the week (poor parents!), but he was polite to me and didn’t throw food or act destructive anyway.
I’m sorry to say I was so happy when they left, even though his mom was one of my closest friends. And I’ve avoided her suggestions that we vacation together another time, just because it was so hard to be around their son. We just have different parenting styles (!), is the kindest way I can put it!
Comment by Tyler @ Building Camelot
| December 2nd, 2008
Our family deals with this and it’s good that your brother felt okay to disciple her. I don’t agree with how he did it, an eye-for-an-eye is not effective discipline, but I do think it’s good for kids to get correction from other adults.
My niece (2 yr’s old) stays with her mom all day and has had very very little correction from other adults, and she’s starting to get to the point where Uncle Tyler is going to have to set some house rules and I’m not sure how her parents will react.
My daughter (3 yrs) has been in daycare since she was a baby and she’s used to being redirected/corrected by other adults. I don’t mind her aunt or uncle correcting her as long as they do it in a respectful manner.
I think I got a little off subject…sorry
Tyler @ Building Camelot´s last blog post..10 More Things I Love About My Wife – The Final Part!
Comment by Tom
| December 3rd, 2008
Hi, I’m “the brother” in the story.
For the record, I wasn’t livid, and I never though it was my “God given right” to discipline my brother’s kids. Here’s my version of the story:
We were sitting by side drawing with crayons in the restaurant having a great time. My niece (probably 3 or 4) reached over and scribbled all over my picture, so I reached over and scribbled all over hers. An immature reaction? Probably. But I wasn’t livid.
My niece started shrieking bloody murder, and which point my brother asked me what happened. When I told him, he chastised me “You know, we’ve been trying to teach her that tit-for-tat isn’t a good way to respond when you’re upset.”
End of story.
I thought it was a funny story which is why I told it at Thanksgiving all these years later. My niece got a kick out of it.
Comment by dadshouse
| December 3rd, 2008
Tom – sorry if I took too much artistic license in the retelling of the story! It was close enough. As for the “God given right to discipline” – that was my perception at the time, and has no basis in anyone else’s reality. Such is life for all of us. Nothing has intrinsic meaning, it’s all in our minds.
(I’m tripping, right now, that my brother and I are communicating through a blog, rather than talking on the phone or emailing! Pretty soon, our kids will be texting each other about scribbling crayons. Oy!)
Comment by loriann
| December 3rd, 2008
I love the sibling dynamics & sharing for our view.
My own brothers still go back and forth ~ one is taller the other more hair, one had to drive the purple Pacer, the other had to use it for the prom which was worse :-)
Comment by NewWrldYankee
| December 3rd, 2008
I love that this story got such a heated conversation following it! I missed the boat, it looks like. But I always wonder what I will be like as a parent, funny how the things I never said I would do as a kid, I’m already starting to be that way. No matter how anal I get on cleaning, I hope I will always be a parent my kids can talk to, and occasionally scribble with.
NewWrldYankee´s last blog post..Why Being an Expat May Mean You Are Crazy
Comment by Hadley
| December 4th, 2008
Yes…I love it! I am so amused that Tom dropped in. I’ve had a sneaking suspicion for some time that artistic license was in use in some stories but here is the first evidence! :)
Very entertaining.